r/Adoption

So to start off, I searched this sub and the web and I am having a lot of trouble finding information about the viability of this type of scenario.

I am a 30 year old woman in a very typical situation. I want biological children, have no partner, and am not optimistic about having the right environment for a child set up in my life before 40. I'm fine with step kids or raising non-biological children, or just not raising children at all. But for me, it is very difficult to let go of the idea of actually having a biological child. Again, typical. I think this is probably a phase that a lot of people in this situation at this age go through. I would like to avoid getting with someone I shouldn't just to have a child and fulfill that wish as many people tend to do in this situation.

I thought a lot about it, and there is basically one solution in the middle that I can think of. I can't really see a downside to having the below plan as a backup plan if things don't work out. Specifically, if the situation doesn't improve by my late 30's:

• Conceive with donor sperm, not IVF, but IUI or something. I would be able to choose the donor this way rather than someone else choosing for me.
• Carry the pregnancy myself
• Find a family to adopt (hopefully via an adoption agency or other service that screens families) with similar background, values, and goals who are able to provide what I am not able to.
• "Open" adoption but after the child is adopted, most of the contact would just be hands-off or occasional updates unless the child/family needed more for some reason.

Is there a name for this type of thing at all? It's not surrogacy because I'm in complete control of the process, but it's not the normal adoption origin story either because it's more intentional. I guess the closest scenario would be people who donate their IVF embryos, but it's much more active on my side than that process.

Not sure what to flare this so I just put misc to be safe. Most of my exposure to this topic and related ones is from academic literature, so I apologize if I am missing obvious things.

I recently turned 16(F), and my entire life I’ve lived with my adoptive family. There’s my Dad(52), Mom(49), And two brothers Teddie (23) and Jamison (32). I was adopted around 5-6 months old? I first started realizing that something was different about me compared to everyone else in my family when I was maybe 12. My family is white, brown and blonde hair with light hazel eyes while I was Asian, black hair, and dark eyes. I think they only told me because it got to the point where they felt like I knew that I was different: the reason I think this is because my name is “Yejin” it’s like that on every legal document and it’s always been that way but my English name is Jen, no one else in my family had to have different names so, that’s originally also where my own doubt came in from.

After they told me I didn’t feel any less like family but, this is really when I started to feel bad. Once they told me I tried to really leave it alone but I couldn’t. I kept asking questions about it casually like at dinner bringing up small things like asking if they knew my bio parent/ moms names to which they responded no.

The next week we were all at dinner my brothers included, this was nice because ever since they left I’ve been missing them but, when they arrived and we all sat down no one was really talking like they used to the air felt thick so, I began to test the waters I looked up from my plate and just barely muttered something about if I could ever meet my birth mom. After I said this my mom just looked distraught and my dad got angry and sent me to my room; I cried like a baby. My dads never gotten angry at me before but the look on my moms face was comparably worse than getting sent upstairs she looked sad it hurts because I really don’t know what I did wrong. Jamison told me it was disrespectful to ask that and that I needed to “stop being caught up on it and get over my birth mom because she didn’t want me.” And Teddie still hasn’t spoke to me.

What did I do wrong?

My parents adopted my sister (infant) when I was 12. She is my cousin's daughter. Coming from the east and conservative, adoption has a bad stigma. Because of this my parents decided to not tell her.

Now she is 21. Since I was younger, I've always argued with my parents that they should tell her that she's adopted and educate her from a young age that adoption is a beautiful thing. They disagreed (still do) and plan on telling her when she is married and kids and have a settled life.

Our whole community knows that she is adopted except for her. I bring this issue up here and there and we always end up in strong disagreements.

I recently had an argument about this with them and reasoned how it's unfair for her future husband and her kids to tell her that identity shattering news then. My parents says that since it's been smooth sailing until now they are praying that she will take the news well.

I told them that it's crazy how they just hope that she will 'take it well' and expect to get on with her life. My parents hate when I bring this up and just tells me I should pray instead of trying cause chaos since it's currently not an issue.

Am i tripping or making it a bigger deal than it is? In my head I feel like she will have a crazy amount of betrayal and identity crisis since her WHOLE reality will change and I hate to feel but partly responsible (being in on the 'lie'). I love my sister to death and only want the best for her. And tbh, I feel like my parents are being selfish by applying their stigma, mindset, and culture instead of doing what (i think) it's best for her.

I would love to hear if there's someone had similar experience and how they went about it.

Can anyone share their story? The good, the bad, the ugly. My extended family hasn't had the best experience with biological parents, but in both situations where we've been dealing with bioparents, the kids were taken by the state for their own safety and in one case there wasn't supposed to be contact; a DCFS employee is facing charges for giving the biomom my niece's new contact info (which led to my niece running away across state lines and ending up on probation for 5 years until she's 21) I know that isn't an open adoption but it still feels (probably unreasonably) like a risk.

I'm aware these experiences are not likely the common experience and would love to hear about y'alls adventures with having the bio parents stay involved bc honestly I'm stressed from the idea of having some unknown adult involved in our family. It probably doesn't help me that my own life experience was better without my bioparents involved.

I've always wanted to adopt and I keep hearing that open adoption is best but with my personal experiences it just seems to add so much more risk to the situation adding in adults I have no idea about other than a few sheets of paper full of their own description of themselves but I want to do what is best for future kiddo, not my personal comfort.

I've been home with my baby girl for about a week now. I've never felt any material instinct, or desire to have a baby. Getting pregnant was an accident for my husband and I, we never wanted kids, but after the test turned positive he grew to like the idea of family. He's bonded a lot with her but I haven't. I don't feel any emotional connection to her. Im not sure if this is just PPD making me feel this way, or if it's simply just my desire to not want to be a mother making it hard for me to connect. I don't know if I can get past that, or if it'll get better.

Say it doesn't improve, and I keep her, I'm terrified that one day she'll see the resentment. My parents didn't plan me and I grew up feeling like a burden, I won't have that happen to her. I would do everything I could to keep it from her and try to give her a good life.

On the other hand, she deserves to have a mother who can love her, and she belongs with a family who wants a child. I feel in my heart that this would be the best thing for her, but my husband loves her. He doesn't want her to grow up feeling like a burden either, and he tells me we can get through this, and has been reading into PPD as well and saying we'll get me help for it. How can I tell him that I want to consider adoption? I don't want this baby to ruin our marriage, and I feel like he could be happier too if it could go back to it being just the two of us again. A baby doesn't fit in with the lifestyle that we want, even though he loves the idea of being a father. I've been reading into open adoption, and wish to communicate this to him.

Does anyone have any advice? Birth parents who chose open adoption, did you regret your choice? Did your partner agree/disagree with you, how did it affect the marriage? Children who grew up with adoptive parents while knowing the birth parents, did you hold it against them, or were you thankful they did what they thought was best? How did it affect you emotionally?

hi guys please I don’t want harsh negative feedback. this is very important to me to be able to bond with my baby we just adopted at 5 days. I previously breastfed 8 n half years ago, I have been doing so much research on relacting. has anyone successfully able to gain full sulky back? if so did you take anything? any pointers. I been trying to pump every 2 to 3 hours if I can. Tia so much I truly appreciate anything.

I have an adopted son, and a baby girl is also on the way - both parents of my son and my daughter don’t want contact with them and of course, as any adoptive parent does, I’ve been doing tons and tons of research about adoption since me and my husband even decided we wanted to adopt, so I know the reasoning behind wanting to adopt…

But for the adoptees out there, was there a particular moment that made you want to reach out? Any events that made you want to? Would really love to hear it if anybody wants to share!

context:

i was adopted at birth. my b-mom just turned 15 when she gave birth to me. she was forced by her father to give me up. i grew up with good parents, lost my a-mom at 10. so lived full time with my ultra present and loving dad since then.

when i turned 18, i got to talk and meet my mom and she has literally changed my life. i always had the desire to meet her, especially because i wanted to understand where i come from and why she had me so young).

our 1st meeting (almost 6 months ago) was very emotional and strange. i look like her. we laugh the same. we have so much in common; both nfl fans and die hard cinema fans.

what really hurt me is the part where she told me that she hid her pregnancy until she couldn't anymore because she knew her parents would force her to get an abortion. when she was 28 weeks, her parents learned and forced her to give me away. it broke her. she started doing drugs after to cope with her pain and her grief. she a drug problem until 2019.

she has a really nice job now, she lives 25 minutes away from me and we've been spending a lot of time together. i took a gap year after high school so beside my part-time job, i have a lot of free time lol.

anyway so on thursday, i had to go somewhere for a job delivery in my mom's hometown. it had been planned for two weeks so she said that she'd drive there and we could watch the nfl draft together in a spot she used to go with her friends when they wanted to watch the superbowl. it's a chicken wings spot basically.

so we're just sitting there and enjoying the night. at some point, my b-mom goes silent for two minutes and she's staring at something. i turn around and i realize it's a man in his 70s. and my b-mom just says: "that man is my father".

and knowing what she went through because of him, i didn't know how to react. and then my mom says that we had to go somewhere else. she stood up to pay and her father walked straight to her and began to give her shit. she hadn't talked to him since she stopped using (also when she started to do therapy with an adoption specialist because of her trauma).

then her father realized who i was and he began to yell at me saying that i shouldn't be with her. that she was a whore. my mom walked to her car and she couldnt move and she sobbed and cried for an hour. we were sitting in her car and i had to call my dad to come get my own car with my uncle. i drove my mom's car and we went to her place. since thursday night, she hasn't eaten. she is in her bed and she barely talk to me.

im very resentful and angry at her father who looked fucking unstable. i dont know what to do and i cannot leave her house because i'm afraid that she could relapse (idk if shes fragile, its not the kind of stuff we talk about). i am super worried for her. i love this woman so much; she has worked so hard on herself and she is such a treasure. im her only child, she is no contact w her whole family except two cousins who are also estranged from the family). her best friend came over tonight and she couldnt get a word from her either.

I'm a new adoptive mom who finalized my son's adoption only eight weeks ago and we're desperate to take him to meet his grandparents in Mexico before he starts kindergarten. The official minor DS-11 is crushing me because his original birth certificate is permanently sealed by the court and the only proof we have is a thick stack of adoption decrees that the government site doesn't clearly explain how to attach. Every time I try the official process I end up in tears worrying one missing stamp will get the whole thing rejected and reopen the trauma of his early life. I researched passport form prep services last night and the price ranges are all over the place.

what website are other adoptive parents actually using to get these forms right the first time without the emotional spiral?

I posted yesterday about my younger brother. He's in the NICU, I already have three kids at 17yo, should I take him on, etc.

As it stands I am leaning heavily towards adoption. I have a lot of love in my soul. But from a more objective standpoint, he may be better off being adopted by someone else.

I don't know how an open adoption would work as I'm not his mom legally, but if we somehow figured it out, how exactly would it be enforced?

They are legally binding in our state (NY) but apparently they aren't enforced often. And someone else pointed out that they could just move out of state.

Losing access to him is a non negotiable for me. I keep contact with my other siblings, even the one who is a danger. They're all my babies, I'm not losing any of them.

Is there any way to make sure he isn't taken from us indefinitely? Due to his trauma in utero there is a chance he will have brain damage and may not have the capacity, or independence, to find us in the future if he is seperated. If his parents choose to hide him there isn't much I can do to find him.

Thank you for any advice :)

Someone posted a question about surnames yesterday, and it got me thinking about sharing my experience.

In 1995 I changed my surname from my adoptive Mum's name, to my biological Mum's surname. Why? Well, a couple of things...

1. I felt that the surname was all I "owned", and that it belonged to me, and no one could legally, or otherwise, take it away from me.

2. It was only a matter of time before I would get married, and have children of my own. Thus, I wanted stability for them, with regards to a surname.

3. My adoptive Dad had his own biological son. And, I knew that his family name would not "end".

Now, why am I bringing all this up?

About 3 years ago, my Missus found my biological Mum (long story how this came about). And, me being me, I jumped right in, contacted her immediately, and express if she doesn't want contact, that is fine, just say so, and I will move on with my life. After all, I have done so already for 4 decades.

With my biological Mum, and half sister, it was the whole honeymoon phase. You know that phase, where they, the biologicals, think life if great I have my child back, yet, don't want to answer the difficult questions. Well, this went on for a while, and I gave them grace to allow them to adjust to meeting me after 4 decades. - Imaging that: ME, the adoptee, giving THEM grace 🤦‍♂️

Alas, communication and making the effort to meet up and such, always seemed to fall on me. Hang on a minute, I was given up/rejected the first time, and didn't have a choice, and now here I am, "begging" them to accept me!

No, enough! I have since blocked them both, and have wished that I did not change my surname. I have learned that she, biological Mum, does not deserve me carrying her surname forward.

Honestly, if I didn't have children, I would flipping change my surname back in a heartbeat...!

TLDR: Am pissed that I changed my surname, and should have left well alone...

A little rant i guess

I was adopted when I was younger, and their daughter was a young teenager. They obviously adored and spoiled her since she was an only child, so I grew up looking up to her in that way. I saw how much they loved her and their dynamic and I wanted that too. I’m sure she felt resentment towards me, which is completely understandable from her perspective. Having a new, annoying younger sibling when you’re already a teenager is something that would be so hard to adjust to.

When she got older, I noticed how my parents treated her as mature. She was able to go out on her own, had her own card and could spend my parents money whenever. They bought her expensive designer bags and clothing, and my father and her went to new york every year just them. Now I am the same age she was and they really disregard any of my desires to be independent. I don’t have a card, I don’t have a permit, and I don’t have any way to do things on my own like she did.

When she turned 16, she got both a brand new car and a large party at a venue, with TWO quincenera-like dresses, which are minimum like $300-400 I believe. It was a big event (50-60 people give or take, i was pretty young) with family flying out and themed decorations.

I got more distant with my parents when I became a teenager, like most people do, especially towards my father. I became uncomfortable around him because of his disregarding my boundaries with touching and grabbing me.

I recently turned 16, and a couple of months before that, I told my parents that I wanted to go to new york for my birthday and bring one friend with me. My dad and sister go to new york EVERY year, so I really didn’t think it would be a big deal. I’ve always found myself comparing myself (and my parents treatment) to my sister when growing up, and this time was when I got really upset about it.

I got into a big argument with my parents about it and never was able to go. They said it was too expensive. We are well off, so I did try to ask the real reason of why he didn’t want me to go. It got really weird and off track and he said it’s because I never showed him any affection. I told him that I’ve always said I didn’t like touch. (He would pinch my bottom and restrain me to kiss me but it made me very uncomfortable even when I was a little girl.) Then he said I would meet a man and I’d be giving off the wrong signals If i didn’t like to be touched like that because he wouldn’t understand???? Super confused on that. I don’t know.

On my birthday we went to the cheesecake factory instead. Didn’t even get a cake or sung to lol I ended up crying in the bathroom. Three months later and they’re BUYING MY SISTER A HOUSE.

I’m starting to build resentment towards my sister because of my jealousy towards the way she is treated. I’ve never felt like my father truly accepted me as his child; never loved me like he loved her. Sorry If this sounds bratty lol i’m still kind of angry about it

We adopted our 10yo daughter two years ago after being a long term foster care situation. Our adoption was done through a conditional surrender with visitation for both biological mother and monthly contact with biological sister (living with childs bio grandfather). Bio dads rights were terminated after contact ceased for over two years. Both bio parents are incarcerated and mom does not contact her as often as the agreement allows. A week after the adoption was official, our child disclosed abuse by her bio sister, occuring over multiple years. The child experienced a battle with her mental health and even ended up in an inpatient psyc facility. During this time we did not hear anything from bio grandfather and we were okay with that and not pushing because of the abuse. Once our daughter started asking to have contact with her sister we reached out and offered an option with boundaries set (in public with us present). This was not acceptable to grandpa. He only wanted her to come to his house without us present. We set the firm boundary and he did not reach out again. Fast forward a few months and she asked again and so we reached out and he said okay to a Starbucks date. As the months went on our child asked for more contact. We initiated contact (as we always seem to have to do) and have been okay with our child staying for a little while without us as she continued to feel safe to do so. For the past six or so months we have been having these kind of visits approximately twice a month. Flash forward to today and our kiddo comes home and tells us the grandpa wants to take us to court because we aren't following the agreement. He tells her she's supposed to go there every other weekend, all weekend (not true). He tells her not to tell us they had the conversation. He tells us he won't allow the sister to come to our house (her birthday party is tomorrow) because we are too controlling. He fills her with all of these ideas about us as parents...

I'm so tired. We are the reason they ever had contact in the first place. We asked for them to meet for the first time. They didn't. We always ask. He never initiates any contact. I honestly don't know what to do because we have always been supportive of bio family... Yet it feels like they just tear us down and fill her with hatred towards us.

Adoptive parents, what would you do? Adoptees, what support would you need from your adoptive parent in this situation?

One thing I find very interesting and unfortunate is the fact that most if not all Chinese adoptees are considered Han Chinese once adopted (typically transracially).

I am just now learning I am most likely Hmong (or Miao as the ethnicity is called in China), and I know that a lot of other Chinese adoptees are likely of other minority ethnic groups as well. Each minority group has a distinctive culture and some don't speak Mandarin Chinese as their native/household language.

Chinese adoptees are all immersed in Han Chinese culture however, if their adoptive families allow them to engage in Chinese culture and community where they live. I am very glad I was able to go to a local Chinese school to learn Mandarin and being Chinese, but I guess it surprises me knowing now that I may not have been even learning about my actual ethnic culture.

Just food for thought, I guess..

Hello everyone. I’m a 17-year-old (M) gay from the Philippines and I’m currently in a very difficult situation at home.

I was supposed to start college soon, but my parents have decided to stop supporting my education. Right now, I’m also experiencing a very unstable and unsafe home environment.

My father has been physically and emotionally abusive since I was young. There was even an incident before where I was physically hurt badly enough that I bled. I have already reported it to our barangay in the past.

My mother is currently working abroad, but recently she has stopped supporting me financially after believing false things being said about me. For the past weeks, I’ve sometimes had no access to food and have had to rely on friends just to eat.

Because of this, staying at home no longer feels safe or sustainable for me. I’m trying to find a way to support myself honestly—whether through work that provides shelter and food, or any safe opportunity where I can start over. I’m willing to do any legal work like house help or similar jobs.

I’m not trying to run away irresponsibly—I just want a safe place to stay, stability, and a chance to continue living a normal and healthy life.

If anyone knows of any safe organizations, job opportunities, shelters, or guidance for minors in situations like this, I would really appreciate your help.

Thank you for reading.

Recently, through MyHeritage, I’ve found a half sister while making a BioFam tree.

Researching roots and travels has been quite interesting.

He is not a nice guy, I saw a picture and knew….notice nasty without meeting or knowing? Maybe I’m an ass making assumptions again.

So I’m feeling strange to say anything. Maybe she doesn’t know I exist. Would it or could reaching out cause a negative impact?

Am I overthinking?

I don’t want to cause further disruption or cause anxiety should half sis be surprised to find out.

What is the thought process among you strangers?

Would you reach out? Or how to reach out? What to say?

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(Tw: death) I was born in Russia and adopted from an orphanage when I was a year old. I finally hired a PI to find my biological family, and it turns out they’re all gone. My birth mom is dead, her grandparents and her brother are dead. I don’t know what to feel, but I’m sad that I’ll never be able to have a reunion like I’ve always wanted. I just really wanted to meet my mom, ask her about her life, and find out about my medical history.

I am mixed (white and black) and was adopted at a very young age of 3 months by an all white family with an adopted older brother (fully black). Grew up in a predominantly white area which was a battle on its own. I didn’t end up finding my biological family until I got into my 30s and met my beautiful amazing wife and we had our beautiful amazing daughter. I always wanted to find my biological family but my wife really pushed me to do it later on in our marriage. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to find them or meet them but I didn’t have the real drive or motivation to do it until we had our daughter and I felt like she needed to not go through the identity crises I went through as a kid and grow up and see people that looked like her. I also needed to see more people that looked like me once I saw how much my daughter resembles her me.

We found my mom through Ancestry.com and immediately was bombarded with relatives and family friends and then eventually got in contact with my mom. It was a lot at once to say the least and I was also a new dad which had its own difficulties of course. My mom showed me a lot of pictures of her and my younger brother (same dad) and my sister (different dad) and also my dad who died a year prior to me finding my mom.

My mom talked a lot about how my dad was abusive and a alcoholic, and painted a picture of him in a way that I felt wasn’t fair because I never got to meet him or form my own opinions about him . She then told me that she was very young when she met my father and he was already married and cheated on his wife with her and had my brother first when they were still together, but then when they had me, they broke up. Which is why she couldn’t handle it and gave me up for adoption. Her mom was also very abusive and toxic, and wouldn’t let her have another kid at such a young age (16 years old).

And then I met another man and had my sister later on. So I was the middle child that got sent away and she ended up raising my little brother and older sister. Of course that was hard to hear, but I understand because of her circumstances it must’ve been hard for her as well.

finally, my mom and I have met and to be honest it was a little underwhelming for me. She isn’t the most mature person and obviously has a lot of issues of her own that she really hasn’t dealt with. She’s kind of still a little kid and never had the time to actually mature and into an adult, but still I wanted to get to know her and I wanted to build a relationship.

It wasn’t until a year later that I finally got to meet my brother and my sister, and my brother told me a lot about how it was also hard to grow up with mom because mom was immature and had a problem with choosing men in her life over her children he gave an example when our dad and her split up for maybe the third or fourth time she left him for a year and some change to be with another man and even brought him to the wedding when he was young and he would tell me how much that really hurt him and really was a stabbed in the back because he loved our dad so much and for her to go and leave him over another man who he also didn’t get along with was just really unfair.

My mom lives in a fantasy world where she thinks she’s a princess and she’s smarter than she actually is and sure she has been through a lot and grew up in a really dangerous neighborhood in Ohio lost her brother to gang violence and had an alcoholic mom who didn’t give a crap about her so she isn’t really good with dealing with Reality and to be honest when I met my sister she’s kind of the same way. She lives this princess life where she kind of just has everything revolved around her, thinks that she’s God‘s gift to earth and really doesn’t give a crap about anybody else but herself, but really deep down she’s very insecure and never had actual guidance or maturity of having a dad or a mother in her life. My mom is not great at picking men in her life and my sister‘s dad was also very abusive and they split at an early age in my sister‘s life.

My sister has clinged onto the same boyfriend now husband for the last 10 years probably because her dad was never actually there for her and my mom raised her at 17 years old. My brother has four kids with two different women and also has a lot of insecurities and troubles with alcohol.

I had moved to Arizona, where my mom currently is to get closer to her and she told me and my wife and daughter that we could stay with her and her new boyfriend for the first three months and that didn’t go well and we ended up leaving in the first month and finding our own place to stay again. It was a situation where my mom chose her significant other in her life over her kids, again.

My mom chooses to talk to my wife more than me and we don’t really see each other like that I think in the beginning, she really did try to build a bond with me, but I think it was too scary for her and she took a big step back when she met her new boyfriend and now fiancé and now I’m not even in the picture and she really doesn’t make an effort to get to know me or have a relationship with me anymore me and my brother are close because we’re so much alike and we both feel the same way about our mom my sister again he’s not in touch with Reality and it’s hard to talk to sometimes because she’s so arrogant about things but really it’s ignorance and choosing not to actually face reality.

I’m skipping a lot of stuff because it wouldn’t be enough to put on this Reddit page for this post but the point is is that I think I dodged a bullet like being given up for adoption and I can’t imagine how I would’ve become or who the man I would be if I grew up with her when she treated my siblings the way she did.

I am blessed to to have been raised by my parents who I consider my real parents and I feel like of course I’m whole because this missing part of me of feeling lost or not a part of something or dealing with identity all that has passed and I’m at peace with it and I get to be with my brother who is now choosing to move to Arizona and bring his whole family for me and him to build a relationship together and get closer. We both needed each other.

But now I feel upset, disappointed, and annoyed by my mom because she really doesn’t care or is too immature to face. The problems is that she left behind and too immature to accept that without her I got my life together and became a good man and a good husband and a good father and I didn’t need her help and I think that upsets her.

Sorry if I came off rambling in this post, I really don’t post anything on Reddit, but I’ve been meaning to write a post in the adoptive sub Reddit because I need a different opinion from other people who were adopt and to know that maybe there are some validation and how I feel and that it’s OK to be disappointed and upset and it’s OK to feel bitter about how my mom still is the way she is with her children.

Hopefully, I get some comments on this. I’d love to talk more to this community about it again I’m leaving out a lot of things because it would just take too long to write and I’m sorry for all the word vomit.

Edit: sorry lots of typos, I had to use google voice, my apologies.