r/AIO

I had my myomectomy on 6 days ago and I’m still in early recovery. Last night my boyfriend asked me “what if you can’t feel anything during sex anymore? what's the plan then?” and kept pushing for solutions and plans. I got frustrated and told him that if after I fully heal and I genuinely can’t fulfill his sexual needs, then he should just go find someone else who can.

He got really upset and asked if he should start preparing for a breakup now, which i said no. Then he said that I clearly don’t care about him or our relationship, and that sexual activity keeps the relationship working and that there's studies of that and so on.

I just feel pretty bummed out and a little annoyed that he was so worried about that. The surgery was on my uterus, not my vagina, and sexual feeling isn’t supposed to be affected. He's focused on this hypothetical worst case scenario while I’m literally trying to heal from surgery, and as of right now he's not talking to me.

Okay I'm sitting in my car in the King Soopers parking lot because I needed five minutes before I go back inside and pretend everything is fine. I don't even need anything from the store. I just drove here.

So. Background. I've been home with our kids for almost six years. I'm starting to look for work again just part-time, maybe something in project coordination, which is what I did before. It's been... a lot. Emotionally. Figuring out who I am outside of being "mom." My husband knows this. We've talked about it a ton.

Last weekend he planned a "date night for us" which tbh I was genuinely touched by because he doesn't usually initiate that stuff. Got a sitter, made a reservation, the whole thing. Except when we got there it turned out to be dinner with two of his work friends and their wives. People I've met maybe twice. He just... didn't mention that part.

And here's where I can't figure out if I'm overreacting. I actually had a nice time? Like the people were fine, the food was good (I got the short rib and it was legitimately the best thing I've eaten in months, that detail feels important for some reason). But the whole drive home I felt this weird hollow feeling I couldn't shake.

He keeps saying he thought I'd love it, that getting out and being social would be "good for me" since I've been so in my head lately. And maybe he's not wrong? I do get isolated. But it also feels like he decided what I needed without asking me. And what I actually needed was just... him. Us. Talking about something other than the kids and whether I'm "ready" to go back to work.

The thing that's bugging me most is that I'm not even sure if I'm upset about what happened or just upset in general and this is where it landed. Both things feel true somehow.

He's not a bad guy. He thought he was doing something nice. I know that. But I also feel like I've been quietly disappearing for a while and this was supposed to be the night someone noticed and instead I just made small talk about a kitchen renovation for two hours.

Idk. Maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm not. That's why I'm posting I guess. Should I even bring it up or will I just sound ungrateful...

I (33F) have been dating lets call him Michael (29M) for about 8 months. A few months ago he expressed wanting to try things with other people in the bedroom and I wasn't completely against that as long as there was transparency and both of us were involved. So far nothing has happened. We have talked to people but nothing transpired. Recently we spent a few days apart while he was dog sitting. He said he stayed up all night into the next day and to me that was a red flag because he never does that. When we saw eachother again I had a suspicion I should check his reddit since thats how we have talked to people in the past. Well I was not prepared for what I found. He was messaging a TF about wanting to meet up and have spicy sleep. I thought at first he might want to do it as a couple, well no thats not the case. He sent some very explicit messages and photos. They then proceeded to exchange snapchats. I asked him if they continued to talk on snapchat after the exchange and he said no. Well yesterday I checked his snapchat and the messages and photos continued there. He not once said he was in a relationship and said some pretty hurtful things in those messages. I typically have a higher drive than him and have no problem having spicy sleep all the time but hes usually the one who doesn't want to. He told this person he wants someone who wants him all the time......Like hello?! What am I?.......I have barely talked to him since he lied to me and broke my trust. He keeps apologizing and saying it ment nothing he was just in the mood. He also said he lied about snapchat because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I feel stupid for even asking and writing this all out. So would I be over reacting if I broke up with him after this?

Been with my wife 10 years. I hate food with nuts in it, especially chocolate and nuts. I also have no interest in flowers.

For my birthday she got me a pistachio cake and a bouquet of flowers.

I know it's the thought that counts and I'm not angry or anything. I just feel sad my wife doesn't seem to know me.

This fits a broader pattern of her not showing much interest in the things I like or do. She says I'm hard to buy for, which I don't think is true. I have a few very clear interests - football, watches, politics, books, gym, clothes.

Am I overreacting to feel sad?

I feel insane, but I need opinions.

I (F31) decided to have a zero sugar soda tonight and my partner (M28) commented on how bad they are for you. I shrugged it off because I don’t have soda frequently and it’s my one “vice”, so whatever. It seemed like a very non-issue and we moved on.

Well, fast forward to bed time and I decide to talk to him about my struggles with my ED (eating disorder) lately. I’m mostly recovered, but still struggle with different aspects of the disorder at times.

Instead of acknowledging what I was attempting to share, he said, “well if you drink diet soda, it’s going to cause you to overeat calories.”. I told him that that was an insensitive thing to say and I was just trying to be vulnerable and ask for some reassurance with my issues and he wasn’t helping by commenting stuff like that.

He responded by saying that I was insensitive by not caring about his opinion on soda earlier (???). I said that me disagreeing with his opinion on soda is not the same thing as him making a shitty comment about my ED. He insisted it was and it started to devolve into an argument so I just told him we clearly weren’t understanding each other and should sleep on it and decided to go downstairs to sleep/watch a movie.

He thinks I’m being ridiculous by going downstairs and that I hurt his feelings first, but I just genuinely do not understand wtf happened and how the topics are related at all.

**for a bit more context, we’ve talked about diet soda previously. He thinks any amount is bad for you based on “the science of it”; however, he doesn’t have a problem with drinking regular soda himself.

***ETA***

I did apologize to him for disregarding his opinion and hurting his feelings. I said it’s okay for us to disagree about my consumption of soda, but simply didn’t appreciate his disregard for my *separate* personal concern and trying to conflate the two issues.

Title basically sums it up. He was talking about his parents and said they're both retarded because they are probably autistic. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because I personally find it offensive to refer to people with that term, but he thinks I'm being too sensitive around it and that I should know he's not meaning it as a slur or in a mean way. He claims that the ASD and ADHD community is reclaiming the term(I am neurodiverse as well) and that he can use it as he wishes, and that he was also referring to himself as retarded, even though he didn't say himself in the moment. I must admit that I have referred to situations as retarded in the past but I am trying to be conscious about being careful with my words.

I tried explaining to him that not everyone has the same views as him and he might want to be careful around using that word as freely as he did, and he got defensive saying that's just how he is and I should know that wasn't his intention and that he said it sarcastically. He then went on about how Black people refer to each other with the N word and said it's the same as him calling his parents retarded or anyone else to has autism. In my eyes it's a way for him to subtly bully and put down people around him while passing it off as sarcasm.

AIO?

Every Tuesday and Thursday, our neighbor decides to go on a joy ride with his Harley Davidson. The problem is, said joyride starts around 11:00 pm and concludes between 1:30 and 3:30 in the morning. Before starting his joyride, he revs the engine loudly, multiple times. When he arrives back to the neighborhood, he again revs the engine loudly, multiple times. It wakes me up, our kids up, my husband, and the dog goes nuts. Everyone is exhausted the next day because of this. I do not have anything against motorcycles. My dad owned several and I grew up around Harley’s. I mention this to say, I know this man could roll in quieter and chooses not too. I’m honestly considering filing some sort of report at this point because it’s weekly and I’m tired. AIO?

Editing to add a couple of things for context:

1. he is not going to work. I am pretty sure it’s to the bar and he’s coming back more than tipsy

2. it is not his only mode of transportation, he also has a car he has straight-piped that he revs just as loudly in the winter on the same cycle, unless it has snowed and he can’t get the car out.

3. he also has step kids that I am sure he is waking up at the same time

Ten years ago, when my wife and I first started dating, I once said je t’aime instead of "I love you." I had just bought her a book on ways to say "I love you" in different languages and I kind of thought it was cute; she thought it was "weird" and said she didn't like when I said it, telling me to stop. I dropped it, and in the decade since I’ve had to be careful because using other phrases in other languages or even saying words that sound like it can set her off.

Today, she misheard something I said as je t’aime and got upset. She then mentioned she saw someone we know using that phrase on Facebook and "quizzed" me to see if I knew who it was. I correctly guessed an ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago (my first kiss from freshman year). We usually laugh about how crazy this woman is because we both know her and she is a hot mess, but in this moment the mood between my wife and I shifted instantly.

According to my wife, this ex used the phrase in an open letter she wrote to her teenage daughter and then posted on Facebook. And my wife said that when she read it, it caused something to click in her brain because she always wondered where I picked it up. My wife is now convinced that the only reason I ever used that phrase 10 years ago was because of this ex. She accused me of still "holding a candle" for this high school girlfriend from over two decades ago and claimed that I used it because I was still thinking of that girlfriend when we first started dating. It didn't matter whatever defense I gave because my wife didn't believe it. I told her I wouldn't remember something like that from a not very serious high school relationship from 25 years ago and reminded her of the book I got her around the same time I first said *je t'aime to her, but my wife told me that she could tell I was lying and she couldn't believe I wouldn't just be honest with her. She went to bed upset with me and told me that she felt disrespected because I was still using a phrase she told me to stop using and that now she is convinced of my "true intentions" when using it.

I’m starting to get genuinely angry. I feel like she is inventing a fake reality to be mad at, and I’m spiraling wondering what other "secret motives" she’s projected onto me. I’ve been calm, but I feel like her behavior is completely ridiculous and I have a right to be defensive. I know she will probably be okay in the morning, but this is one of those things that she will continue to bring up for years and I will have zero footing or control over.

​Am I overreacting by getting angry, or is this as absurd as it feels?

So my(28f) partner(32m) of 10 years has been working with this girl(28f) for at least a couple years now I think. They sit next to each other at work and seem to have gotten close. I’m not too sure when this friendship/relationship started because I was a bit blindsided by it, I always just thought we had a mutual understanding that we wouldn’t get close to opposite sex coworkers, I have a bunch of male coworkers I talk to at work but do no talk to outside of work hours or have any of their socials out of respect for my partner. But one day I noticed on his phone he had a very long dm thread with this girl from work.

They had messaged each other something that I decided not to open but instead ask him about. But when I went to confront him the message was already deleted. He swore to me it was only work related memes they were sending back and forth and that he was scared what my reaction would be so he deleted the thread. This just made me feel more distrusting about the whole situation and since then I’ve seen disappearing messages be turned on and off and messages just straight up being deleted. They have even started messaging each other while he’s home with me which is something he never did before.

I’m not sure what to do from here because since I have been lied to/kept in the dark about this friendship I honestly don’t approve of it. This is a boundary he set for our relationship as well because he never liked when I had relationships with coworkers or my exes on social media. So much so that he has taken my phone and blocked my exes without my knowledge(he has not done this in years but that set the precedent for me)When I mention all this to him he tells me he will just block her or unfollow her but he never actually does. It almost seems like a cop out when I am asking him to explain himself and he just throws his arms up and says “I’ll unfollow her if it makes you less worried”. It’s not even what I am asking of him because I feel like if I did make him block her he would only be more secretive about the friendship. I don’t understand what about this relationship is so fulfilling to him when all I see them exchange is memes related to work. It makes me believe they are closer than it seems and that he has developed some feelings whether he admits it or not. He has never crossed this boundary before with other women at work, but this girl is my age, very attractive and also Latina(basically his type) me and my partner also have a more alternative style and recently I’ve noticed her style/aesthetic had drastically changed on her Instagram. She went from looking like she listens to rap/hip hop to posting bands and taking pictures in all black and fishnets.

What’s eating at me inside about all of this is that I have lost the security in my relationship and I basically feel like I am competing with someone now. I have never felt so insecure or like I just can’t trust what he is telling me. If it really is just innocent how do I get over these feelings? Or should I trust my gut in believing that there is more to this relationship than I know?

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I (43F) and my spouse (45M) have been together for 20 years this August. He is bad at being helpful during crisis or significant negative events. We defer drastically in this aspect as I’m great in those situations, am often the first call for a number of folx, and his own mom will call me first with emergencies before him or either of his two sisters (her daughters.) I have repeatedly told him that I really need a spouse who will be there for me when bad stuff happens.

This came to a head last week. I was unexpectedly terminated from my job and lost benefits the day after (had they terminated me two days later I would have had benefits until the end of the month.) This left me scrambling, calling the company HR to figure out next steps after my manager called to tell me. I worked immediately on appealing the decision (still in process), trying to figure out healthcare resources as a stopgap while I am uninsured, calling law firms since this was partially not accommodating for a documented ADA disability (inattentive ADHD), and so forth.

I asked my spouse to see about adding me to their health insurance in the meantime until I got another job or my appeal got approved and I got reinstated (I already know Cobra would be cost prohibitive because the company has very competitive benefits package.) I asked him everyday last week about it, and today (8 days later) he says he finally talked to someone but turns out they’re not the expect on it but they believed this was a qualifying event so I should be able to be added on without waiting for open enrollment - but would need to ask the expert tomorrow to be for sure. He said that in the meantime it was more important that I didn’t have a lapse in insurance since that would be a tax penalty next year … I was shocked because I told him I already have a gap and have been uninsured for 8 days now. He then tells me he didn’t realize and didn’t understand when I told him. Of note I had told him repeatedly last week how it was messed up that a difference of two days meant I was without benefits very suddenly, told him multiple times in front of multiple different audiences (I told his family over the weekend.) This is what sets off the argument.

The other components to this is my stark realization that he did not ask me once during the week how I was doing, nor asked me if he could help with anything. I have done at least 3 dozen phone calls and emails this past week trying to sort out stuff. In fact he added to my plate this week instead of taking stuff off of it. I asked him on Thursday if he would accompany me to the garden (local botanical garden that helps with my mental health.) He said no, that he had work to do that was easier to do at home … then proceeded to work on something that did not have a deadline and was optional for him to work on. I asked a few times on Friday if he would come to the garden, he declined again. I finally asked, “hey, could you please come to the garden with me to help support me.” He paused, did a very loud exasperated sigh and said “Since you asked, I guess so” in a ‘resigned to his fate’ type of tone.

Anyways fast forward to today. And in this personal life-altering situation (this was a career position, I have been with that company for over a decade) I realized that not only did he never check in on me nor offer help, the two things I did ask help with he either did begrudgingly or punted the task for over a week.

This is not the first time when I’ve had some serious situation happen and he failed spectacularly in supporting me. I got so used to it that it was the reason why with this situation I just immediately acted on my own behalf and didn’t think to even ask for his help since I know he’s not a good person to ask. I asked what the heck he was thinking with last week and he talked about how he was focused on how he could keep things stable and how to keep himself from panicking … so selfishly only thinking about how my firing affects him and never once asked me how I was feeling about it. In stark contrast I’ve had family, friends, and former coworkers reach out to ask how I’m doing and if there is anything they can help with.

So I am now moving towards divorce (state law requires legal separation for X months before proceeding with divorce.) He says he knows he messed up badly, even says now that he doesn’t see any other way around this, he simply “did not support me in the way you deserve” (his words.) We don’t have children, so this isn’t a stopping point to try and work this out.

TL:DR AIO for wanting to proceed with divorce after I was fired and my spouse did not ask how I was doing, did not offer to help, failed to help with the one request I had for him, and he did one other request but did so begrudgingly (request he did was just accompanying me for moral support while I went to my mental health space location.)

Ok Reddit need some help here

So my stbx wife and I are separated but still sharing our house for the time being, I know its over and accept it, in truth I'm a little relieved as I wasn't happy either.

The issue or question here arises from the fact that a few days ago she told our kids that she was already seeing someone and told them not to tell me as she would when the time was right, she went away for a few days (seeing him i guess) then told me when she returned.

I wasn't really surprised that she had found someone but its that she made the kids complicit in hiding it from me and it feels like then have sided with her by keeping that secret I'm hurt by this but more angry that after decades of being a loyal partner (I accept not good enough to maintain the marriage) she is playing these games AIO?

Partner (F40) told me (M47) that she was the “other women” in an affair when she was younger. This was with an older man and went on for some years (around 4, I think). She regrets the relationship now.

She told me about this 6 months ago. We have been together 11 years and have 2 children.

She told me that she felt “intensely” for him and when they were together it was like “stealing time”. She eventually broke it off after repeated promises to divorce his wife never came through.

She also told me that after they broke up, sometime later she saw a picture of him with a new woman and a baby, which “took the wind out of her sails”.

We got together about 5 years after this relationship ended, but they stayed in touch for a long time (until about 6 months before we started).

Now, I know that this all happened before my time so it’s not a cheating or jealousy thing… but it’s really rattled me. The fact that she did this bothers me morally and I ruminate on it a lot. The rumination often takes the form of sexual imagery.

This is quite distressing and when I am near / with her now I find myself often thinking about the affair. It makes me wonder if I love my partner.

If I can’t get past the moral aspect should I end it?

Or am I just being stupid about it?

TL/DR: partner told me about an affair and it is really sticking in my brain.

Edit: for the sake of clarity she did not cheat on me during our relationship. This was something that happened a long time ago, before we were together.

Ok so today evening it was my husband's friends wedding celebration. Ive been feeling low and hormonal due to an emergency contraceptive i took. The date got fixed only yesterday so it wasn't a long standing plan. I'd already made it clear since today morning that I was on the fence about going. Today evening I said I won't go, I just want to stay at home, bake, sleep early, and hit the gym in the morning. Husband said it's important to support friends etc. coz they're there in your time of need. I made a statement saying YOUR time of need, ie, they're you're friends, and not like I haven't made excuses for you during my friends weddings, so it's fine. However, having said that, I decided to still go get ready, since I have hung out with the girl a few time. While I was getting ready, he came and told me twice don't bother, dont get ready. I thought he was just irritated and said no let's just stick to the original plan. And that I would take the cab and come back early.
But after I fully got ready, he said DON't COME. I'm not taking you, take a cab and come. i was just shocked and so pissed off I thought my head would explode. I did have a full on breakdown, said, no SHOUTED some things like you're literally driving me insane. When I kept asking why don't you want me to come, he just saying "just just", "no please don't do what I say", and then just said "I am done talking about it". And ....left?
I swear I am so mad, I could drive my fist through the wall. Idk if this whole situation is just petty or insane or Im having hormal mood swings