AIO For Wanting to Divorce After No Support From Job Loss
Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I (43F) and my spouse (45M) have been together for 20 years this August. He is bad at being helpful during crisis or significant negative events. We defer drastically in this aspect as I’m great in those situations, am often the first call for a number of folx, and his own mom will call me first with emergencies before him or either of his two sisters (her daughters.) I have repeatedly told him that I really need a spouse who will be there for me when bad stuff happens.
This came to a head last week. I was unexpectedly terminated from my job and lost benefits the day after (had they terminated me two days later I would have had benefits until the end of the month.) This left me scrambling, calling the company HR to figure out next steps after my manager called to tell me. I worked immediately on appealing the decision (still in process), trying to figure out healthcare resources as a stopgap while I am uninsured, calling law firms since this was partially not accommodating for a documented ADA disability (inattentive ADHD), and so forth.
I asked my spouse to see about adding me to their health insurance in the meantime until I got another job or my appeal got approved and I got reinstated (I already know Cobra would be cost prohibitive because the company has very competitive benefits package.) I asked him everyday last week about it, and today (8 days later) he says he finally talked to someone but turns out they’re not the expect on it but they believed this was a qualifying event so I should be able to be added on without waiting for open enrollment - but would need to ask the expert tomorrow to be for sure. He said that in the meantime it was more important that I didn’t have a lapse in insurance since that would be a tax penalty next year … I was shocked because I told him I already have a gap and have been uninsured for 8 days now. He then tells me he didn’t realize and didn’t understand when I told him. Of note I had told him repeatedly last week how it was messed up that a difference of two days meant I was without benefits very suddenly, told him multiple times in front of multiple different audiences (I told his family over the weekend.) This is what sets off the argument.
The other components to this is my stark realization that he did not ask me once during the week how I was doing, nor asked me if he could help with anything. I have done at least 3 dozen phone calls and emails this past week trying to sort out stuff. In fact he added to my plate this week instead of taking stuff off of it. I asked him on Thursday if he would accompany me to the garden (local botanical garden that helps with my mental health.) He said no, that he had work to do that was easier to do at home … then proceeded to work on something that did not have a deadline and was optional for him to work on. I asked a few times on Friday if he would come to the garden, he declined again. I finally asked, “hey, could you please come to the garden with me to help support me.” He paused, did a very loud exasperated sigh and said “Since you asked, I guess so” in a ‘resigned to his fate’ type of tone.
Anyways fast forward to today. And in this personal life-altering situation (this was a career position, I have been with that company for over a decade) I realized that not only did he never check in on me nor offer help, the two things I did ask help with he either did begrudgingly or punted the task for over a week.
This is not the first time when I’ve had some serious situation happen and he failed spectacularly in supporting me. I got so used to it that it was the reason why with this situation I just immediately acted on my own behalf and didn’t think to even ask for his help since I know he’s not a good person to ask. I asked what the heck he was thinking with last week and he talked about how he was focused on how he could keep things stable and how to keep himself from panicking … so selfishly only thinking about how my firing affects him and never once asked me how I was feeling about it. In stark contrast I’ve had family, friends, and former coworkers reach out to ask how I’m doing and if there is anything they can help with.
So I am now moving towards divorce (state law requires legal separation for X months before proceeding with divorce.) He says he knows he messed up badly, even says now that he doesn’t see any other way around this, he simply “did not support me in the way you deserve” (his words.) We don’t have children, so this isn’t a stopping point to try and work this out.
TL:DR AIO for wanting to proceed with divorce after I was fired and my spouse did not ask how I was doing, did not offer to help, failed to help with the one request I had for him, and he did one other request but did so begrudgingly (request he did was just accompanying me for moral support while I went to my mental health space location.)