r/monogamy

It's the specialized vocabulary that's basically a form of 'control language.' Cults develop specialized vocabulary in order to groom members to accept boundary violations / abuse. Notice how many polyamorists use a lot of pseudo-psych terms that feel like something out of Scientology or NXVM? This isn't an accident. It's an attempt to redefine ordinary concepts and words to change the meaning and control thought and behavior through language.

Compersion, kitchen-table, unicorn, relationship anarchy, solo poly, metamor, nesting partner, secondary, comet, etc are part of a new vocabulary that creates an insider framework by redefining concepts that already exist. It takes ordinary relationship concepts and rebrands them in ways that make the framework seem more sophisticated and coherent than it is. The more elaborate the vocabulary, the more official and 'scientific' it seems. (For instance, nesting partner probably refers to someone's spouse or serious relationship and secondary is more akin to a mistress.)

Why this is troubling is that by redefining relationship styles and situations that humans have practiced for years, it makes a situation that one might not want to accept now seem safe. For instance, it's a hard and heartbreaking lo be a mistress to someone who is married with a family that you will never have with them, but now you're not a mistress... you're a secondary partner. And although the situation might be the same, it's now seen framed as positive even if you're still settling for less.

Relationships get redefined so you are trained to expect less. "Get off the relationship esclator,' "Only seeing someone once a month doesn't mean it's not serious." "A partner could be anyone. Even someone you see once a year." "I know he takes her on trips and only wants to see you a couple of times a month, but that doesn't mean he's into you less. He's just bad at being poly."

Redefining emotions makes it seem like only insiders share the same experience. If you're poly you are supposed to be able to feel emotions that other humans can't like compersion or frubble. But in fact, compersion just means feeling happy for someone else. Frubble means having warm feeling for a meta. You can't just say 'I like them' or 'I'm happy for them.' because they wouldn't be special and exclusive to the in-group.

Boundaries get redefined so you are shamed for asserting them. When someone expresses discomfort, the language is ready: "that's your jealousy talking," "you need to work on your attachment style," "that's a scarcity mindset." Legitimate concern gets reframed as personal flaws or failings. These are called thought-terminating clichés, phrases that shut down critical thinking the moment doubt arises like "that's your ego talking." "Trust the process." "The outside world doesn't understand." "Don't let anyone else judge your relationships." "You must trust we have the best intentions," "That's just a hetero normative view of relationships." "You're a bigot if you don't let me sleep with other people." "If you don't let me see other people, I see that as a form of abusive control."

Basically, they frame crossing your boundaries and abusing you as a form of self-development or growth. If you don't like it, you're just not as evolved, not doing the work or are being controlling. And it can get really dark when they accuse you of abusing them when you beg them not to abuse or hurt you.

This is a cult-mentality. It's how Keith Reneire got intelligent, educated women who initially just signed up for an executive success program to allow his initials to be branded into their flesh. It was sold as self-development.

I think for most of us, it's the current cult-like mentality that's overtaken polyamory that gives us the icks.

It's not the sexual exploration, sexual hedonism or genuinely trying to figure out what to do if we find ourselves in a sincere love triangle.

It's the weird cult stuff that pretends pair-bonding isn't real and abuse is okay as long as you get consent to abuse someone.

Oh, and the other reason it gives you the icks: Too many Rennies (grown middle-aged adults who work at Red Faire). LOL

I read How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartolo because of the hype and after coming across quotes from the book. I expected a story about deep, passionate love. In the book, the heroine talks about her conflict between loyalty and her love of hookups and casual sex. She falls in love with the ML but there’s another very handsome man in the story, and somehow she ends up sleeping with him as well. I always thought exclusivity, and the loyalty that comes with it, was a part of passionate love.

There’s also the popular series Clockwork Angel, which I haven’t read and don’t plan to. Apparently, the FL falls in love with two men. She ends up with both somehow. I find it unfair. These LT stories are not even tragic anymore, because it's obvious it's greed on the author's part.

Sometimes, as in How to Kill a Rockstar, the ML has “revenge sex” with other women, and the author makes sure the reader knows he is nowhere near as attracted to them as he is to the FL. It feels as though the story is mostly about stroking the FL's ego. It felt like the FL got to fulfill her desires with the second lead she truly desired, while the ML was heartbroken. Technically, it may not count as cheating because of the plot twist, but it still feels emotionally dishonest to me. Apparently, DeBartolo’s newer book, Sorrow, features the FL in an open relationship, which honestly makes me not want to read it.

The worst LT I read is a Japanese manga called Vampire Knight. FL ends up with both monogamous men in heaven because being with both of them wasn’t possible on earth. Then there’s this manga Domestic Girlfriend, where one woman gives birth to the ML’s child but the wedding is with another woman. At this point, I feel like whenever there’s a LT Japanese manga, you almost have to expect that the main character is going to sleep with both people. It makes me feel like it’s better to avoid love triangles altogether, because older stories used to focus on who the central character would ultimately choose. Now, it often feels like the story is heading into a “both are important” direction, and if it doesn’t, the protagonist will at least f them both before going back to the main chosen love interest.

I don’t like stories like Twilight either. Bella kisses Jacob and Edward doesn't even break up with her. I don’t care if people say she was manipulated, she was biting her lip and aware of what she was doing. She shouldn’t have kissed him. And I dislike comments saying she could have been happy with her other love Jacob too I mean I'm fine with her moving on and trying to be happy but not in the sense that Edward is replaceable while in the same story Edward waited 100 years for her? I don't like the one sidedness and the double standards and hypocrisy.

If she can be equally happy with Jacob, then what’s the point? Why even write fantasy romance? At that point, it starts drifting too much into reality. In real life, yes, people can move on after breakups and find happiness with someone else if they open their hearts to love again. That’s not exactly rocket science. But I always wanted fantasy romance to be about two people who feel irreplaceable to each other. I’ve read that, in love triangles, readers often self-insert into the central character. For example, many women empathize with the heroine’s confusion between two men, while in male-centered love triangles, male readers may empathize with the hero instead. Personally, though, I don’t think I self-insert into characters. What bothers me is how the person in the middle often gets involved with both people while the other two remain loyal.

Why does non-monogamy have so many cheerleaders?!

How does one see the mountains of human wreckage, suffering and sheer amounts of pain, and think "this is something I want to defend"?

What insanity is going on here? Addiction is comparable in terms of harm, and people will emphatically decry it. Polyamory, causes similar levels of life long harm and suddenly people are like "oh! Let me defend this toxic behavior!"

I don't understand. Nobody is willing to have a reasonable adult conversation about it. People blindly deny every fact, ignore every statistic, and ignore everyone's stories

They just don't want to hear it.

They don't have a horse in this race, no bets placed, nothing invested one way or the other, yet they'll consistently

Hi All,

Recently I met my current girlfriend early last year. everything was going well throughout, and I actually saw a potential future. We were planning to get married and settle down.

Only recently of this year, whereby I noticed less attention from her. Less update about her life, less text and everything just felt stale.

We had this conversation about this. Initially, it was established that I was not her ideal type financially and ambitious, and it was agreed that we work harder to have a comfortable life. She proposed to have an open relationship to explore further before settling down.

We had another conversation a month in. This time she mentioned she was actually being chased by another guy awhile back already, went for drinks occasionally but assured there was no intimacy.

The reason she is telling me this now, was because she wants to progress with him more intimately (FWB) and don’t want to go behind my back cheating and feeling guilty.

To be fair, i did told her that I am open to the idea of open relationship, but only if she update me the process.

Now that she told me, I feel that I am losing my ownself and personal values if I attempt to stay together while being in an open relationship.

While I appreciate the honesty, and I think i might have felt better if she tell me she is looking to explore and start exploring together. But she is already seeing someone before, and telling me this now. So idk, kinda feels sucky.

I don’t want to dive into details on the thing, but basically she feels that there are somethings I cannot offer her and she wants to seek it elsewhere.

To be fair, we met on a FWB dating platform. She mentioned that it was very lucky that we managed to progress into a relationship. Foolish me thinking that there could be a chance this might work out together.

Just looking for some honest thoughts. Somehow Reddit users give the best advice

from subreddits dedicated to cheating on partners to people bragging about making connections and cheating/almost cheating on their partners.

plus married/taken people on dating or hook up apps with no remorse for what they’re doing.

kinda makes me happy that I’m single despite really wanting to find somebody.

Objectifying people down to their sexual utility ain't cool.

as a female muslim living the middle east i’ve always wondered such.

here its normal and even encouraged for men to have up to 4 wives, and im not trying to be biased in saying that i truly don’t understand it, of course, as a woman you wouldn’t want your husband to sleep with other women even if they were his wive but even then i dont think anyone would like this.

we had this discussion with my religion teacher today which prompted this post.

she said we couldn’t argue against it and its just something we have to deal with. she said you’re an idiot if you wanna divorce your husband for having a second wife (since all girls in class said we’d want a divorce)

she talked about how men have the ability to love more than one women,

but does that mean more than four or is four the limit of such lust? or maybe it’s unlimited and he’ll keep lusting over women till his last breath.

she talked about how even if he got a second wife he’ll still love you both the same, but isn’t that a revolting idea?

all the moments you share; intimacy, jokes, daily life, is also shared with someone else

she talked about how you shouldn’t ruin your marriage just cause he cheated

but if that’s not enough to prompt a breakup, what will be? where is the line drawn?

she acted out this situation with a girl in class. she pretended to be the man and offered her money and a new house and so many stuff and how much “he” loves her, but he just has this desire he needs to fulfill

but is that all that truly matters in a marriage? material things? she made it seem like i should be okay with it if he’s spoiling me

well maybe i just want to spend the rest of my life with my soulmate whomever he may be, through sickness and in health and poverty and wealth??

i’m not saying this cause im a female, i truly believe in true love, even if i were a man, sure i might get lustful but when i find the love of my life why would i ever look at another?

so, enough with all the sappy talk, i thought is there truly a biological explanation or are we only told that so men can do as they please?

i mean she talked about how it’s in men’s nature to cheat and wanna be with more than one woman

but i argued that, we all know it’s a woman’s nature to wanna look pretty, so why in islam do women have to cover up? isn’t that fighting against our biological nature? wearing a hijab makes me look ugly and sad

so is it only okay to suppress biological desires when it’s against women?

alright, god tested women on what they struggle with the most, but he couldn’t test men on their biggest urge and desire as well?

women and men follow the same rules in islam by default yet women have an additional set of rules in which i can argue make this life harder for a female than a male

i also argued why we as women couldn’t have a second husband too?

she said women could only hold one person in their heart at a time

and although that’s true for me i’ve seen lots of women have two boyfriends or having a crush on multiple guys

so it isn’t just for men but how come they get the privilege ?

anyways if anyone has any researches that either back me up or back my teacher up it’d be very much appreciated.

I have been a reader of this sub for a while. I spent most my life only openly surrounded by monogamy and experiencing monogamy but recently was introduced to the world of poly/ENM.

I know it is not something I personally am interested in but I was wondering how do people find themselves in poly relationships and how do they find themselves getting out of it? I know some folks have been brave and shared their trauma with those types of relationships. But are there also times where it’s not as traumatic and you’ve just decided to walk away from a poly relationship structure?

Also, is it more common for people to leave poly communities as they age? I don’t want to say people “grow out” of it because if that’s truly how they feel they should express their love I don’t think it’s my place to say no. But also, it seems like an acceptable answer/no further questions answer for people who want to sleep around at 30-40 and don’t want to get married, have kids, or “settle down with one partner.”

I want to approach this topic respectfully and in good faith. I understand polygamy exists within Islamic tradition and historical contexts, and I am not trying to insult the religion or attack people personally. But I do think some modern conversations around polygamy lack enough discussion about emotional responsibility, self discipline, and consideration toward one’s wife.

Personally, I believe a husband should first ask himself why he feels the need for another woman in the first place. If temporary sexual frustration, periods without intimacy, or unmet desires quickly lead someone to seek another partner, then I think there needs to be deeper reflection about how intimacy and marriage are being viewed.

To me, marriage is not supposed to revolve entirely around sexual fulfillment. Real intimacy is emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical connection with someone you deeply love and value. A wife is not simply an outlet for urges, and I think reducing marriage mainly to physical needs weakens the depth of what the relationship is supposed to be.

I also think many women feel deeply hurt by the idea that they can suddenly become “not enough” the moment difficulties, limitations, or changes happen within the relationship. Even if polygamy is permissible, I still believe a husband should seriously reflect on how emotionally painful that can feel for his wife before prioritizing his own desires.

For me personally, if one day my husband could no longer have sex with me, I would still deeply value him, our companionship, our emotional bond, our affection, our loyalty, and the life we built together. I do not believe the absence of sex should suddenly make a loving relationship feel incomplete or disposable.

I think men should strive for emotional maturity, patience, loyalty, discipline, and empathy rather than immediately looking elsewhere whenever physical dissatisfaction appears. Because when intimacy becomes too centered around gratification alone, people can start viewing partners as replaceable rather than deeply cherished human beings.

At the end of the day, I personally feel relationships are strongest when both people feel fully chosen, emotionally secure, deeply valued, and committed to each other without constantly introducing the possibility of someone else entering that emotional space. I understand others may disagree, but I believe these conversations should focus far more on emotional responsibility and the wellbeing of wives, not only on what is technically permissible.

And personally, I think there is also an important difference between something being permissible and something being necessary or beneficial for a relationship. Just because someone can do something does not automatically mean they should. If a man truly cherishes, values, respects, and feels deeply fulfilled with his wife as a life partner, then I believe his focus should naturally remain on nurturing and protecting that bond rather than entertaining the idea of another woman. To me, genuine love and loyalty should make a person want to prioritize their spouse emotionally, not constantly leave room for replacement or comparison.

And honestly, when I posted this in another community, it became obvious how some people were more focused on defending whether polygamy is permissible rather than discussing the emotional and ethical side of it, which was the entire point of my post. They constantly talk about honoring and respecting women, yet completely ignore compassion, empathy, and the emotional impact on a wife. Nobody said men are required to marry more than one woman, not even God. Compassion and consideration toward your spouse are emphasized far more, yet some people approach it with a mindset of, “It’s my right, so your feelings do not matter.” To me, that completely misses the point of marriage and emotional responsibility.

I never said polygamy itself is evil or forbidden. My point is that, in today’s context, there often is no real necessity for it, and people should at least think about their wife as an individual with emotions, attachment, and vulnerability before treating it so casually. What shocked me most was how some people were more offended by my opinion than interested in understanding why many women would feel hurt or emotionally unsafe by it. Asking people to have empathy for their spouse should not be considered a controversial take but alas it went off topic and none of the men there ever tackled the subject of the post but just defended what their rights is. smh... hard to have a productive conversation when they're defending their points without even acknowledging the topic lol

As in if you are in the gym/ out and about is it normal to look at someone and think they are hot? Do you consider this a betrayal?

First of all, a little premise: I often see people asking for happy posts in this subreddit, and to those of you looking for that… I completely understand you, honestly. I’m pretty paranoid, and there are times when I struggle to recover from certain paranoid thoughts regarding relationships (even though I’m not dealing with any problems right now), but love stories always help me relax. So today, I’ll tell you about my relationship!

She is truly something unique to me. We both often feel “mentally fused,” and we describe it as telepathy. Every time it happens, we burst out laughing and look at each other as if to say, “Yeees, that’s exactly what I mean.” It feels like we’re best friends too (which, in fact, we are hahaha). We found each other again after a couple of years, and we always joke about it.

We have so many inside jokes in our relationship, and they come naturally all the time. It makes us feel even happier and more connected. Of course, we also have our bad moments — our “arguments,” which only last for the first two seconds before they immediately turn into trying to understand how to solve the issue and what is hurting either of us individually or the relationship itself. Honestly, we don’t even really compromise, because once we understand each other’s point of view and the situation, we naturally feel at ease and adjust our behavior or the way we say things.

She’s beautiful. Honestly, I don’t really care much about appearance in general — I rarely find beauty meaningful beyond a simplistic “other people think they’re beautiful, so I’ll say the same.” That’s why the beauty I see in her feels special to me. I love the mole under her eye, and I even love that she told me the meaning behind it. I love her nose too. I’d describe it as perfect — not because it’s some stereotypical “French nose” or anything like that, but because it’s simply made for her. It suits her perfectly.

Then there’s her gaze, which is definitely the thing I notice the most. What stands out the most is the way she looks at me, but it’s also beautiful to watch her eyes explore the world in every situation. It doesn’t matter whether she looks nostalgic, angry, or sad… of course I care about how she feels, but I love thinking about how she has a different look for everything in the world.

I also love her lips. They have such a beautiful color, and she takes great care of them. Their shape is so adorable that it makes me want to “eat her up,” you know? Like that feeling where something is so cute it creates a sort of affectionate aggression.

I also love her teeth, even though she calls them her “beaver teeth.” I actually get upset whenever she says that because some people used to insult her with it, and some still do. But honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. In fact, it makes me happy to look at her when she’s relaxed and see her teeth peeking out.

I love that she has a passion too. She’s a writer and dreams of becoming one, but honestly, after knowing the introduction, some parts of the story, and — hold on tight — being the only person who knows the ending, I think she’s already more than an established writer!

I also love listening to music with her. We have similar tastes, and with her I can even enjoy rap (both Italian and international). We joke around about the themes in some songs and act like fake gangsters together — it’s genuinely hilarious AHAHAH. You should see the “street moves” she pulls out sometimes.

We also share practically the same values. I trust her deeply, and she trusts me too. I love how she’s always interested in every aspect of my life, and how we always try to check in with each other, even with something as simple as “How are you?” or “Have you eaten?” From there, so many conversations are born. Not always, of course, but even having that little routine with her feels special.

We even merged our career dreams together. I want to open a neko café, and she wants to open a library/café, so together we decided to combine the two ideas.

She’s also incredibly creative with gifts. Honestly, I sometimes feel inadequate compared to the gifts she gives me. She hand-sewed a plushie for me because I struggle to sleep without holding something against my chest, and we can’t always sleep together. I named it after my very first plushie, “Cucca,” which came from the name “Luca,” because I couldn’t pronounce it properly as a child.

As for me, one time I gave her two tickets to see a singer she really loves. I also enjoy bringing her roses or flowers I find in the woods near my house.
We both want two children someday: first a daughter, then a son. Josephine and Aiden — the second name was chosen by me, inspired by Inazuma Eleven hahaha.

I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but truly, I want to love her for the rest of my life. I’ll be more than happy to keep loving her and to fall in love with her over and over again throughout our lives.

WARNING: This post does talk about non monogamous topics and is not meant to offend, trigger, or upset anyone. I am posting here and other subreddits to get a wide range of different view points and opinions on this topic help me best approach this.

We (32M & 43F) have been together for 9 years and married for 6+. We have been monogamous the entire relationship. We do not have kids and do not plan to have or want kids. We have an active sex life with a normal week having 2-4 encounters.

To start, my wife is amazing! She treats me like a king while still being a strong independent woman. Our marriage is one that people literally tell us that they wish they had. We support each other personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. Like all couples we have tiffs here and there but we communicate what our feelings and view points are. We will relax and realign very quickly, usually right then and sometimes a few hours later.

While we were dating and ever since I have been very open about my desires of threesomes, wanting to experience new things and people (edited for a better portrayal of what I initially meant), trying different kinks/toys, etc. I thought these desires would pass or were fun fantasies in my head but in the past two or less years these desires have only amplified. My wife on the other hand is not as “freaky,” as she calls it, as I am.

For roughly 4-5 years now I have felt off about our sex life. At first I thought it was something wrong with me as she was and still is beautiful and amazing in every way! Since this started I have shared my thoughts and feelings about it on how I viewed it at the time of each of these conversations. About a year or so ago I came to the realization that it was that we don’t “click” sexually except for very rarely, maybe a couple times a year. What I mean by that is I feel like both her and I are going through the motions during sex and are not there for the experience. I feel that I am just there when she wants to finish and that she is just there when I want to finish. This has been very difficult for me as I’ve always been the type that likes to make the person I’m with finish, almost like a game of who can last longer. My wife finishes in one way and one way only, which has nothing to do with my performance. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing wrong with that but it does go directly against what my goal is during sex. I view sexual encounters similar to my body is her playground that I want her to explore/play with and hers is mine, obviously with consent of whatever actions are happening from the other person.

About 3 years ago we were talking a lot about how we both were fantasizing about having a third. At one point, around this time, she made out with another guy, who was open about his swinging and a friend of mine, when we all went out bar hopping. I did have a negative reaction to it as I honestly never thought she would have actually done something with another guy as she has always told me she would rather do something with a girl. Since this happened we have had many conversations about possibly bringing a third into the equation. At one point we even joining some apps for a short period, but nothing has ever happened. She seems to go back and forth on the idea. In the past six months she has had multiple occasions where she will openly talk about wanting to be with a girl or how it would be ok if I was with another girl, usually when she is very intoxicated and even a couple of times when she’s been sober. During this time there have been a few times when she’s been out drinking with friends or co-workers she has actually tried to bring girls home or told them that she wanted to hook up with them. I would like note that each of these times I have not been with her when she’s actively pursuing this, I’m not sure if that matters.

We have had this threesome conversation about bring a third in both sober and intoxicated, but the next day if I try to bring it up it’s almost like I’m telling her I’m going to cheat on her. A couple of weeks ago I tried to have the conversation about bringing a third in which initially was received very well with the promise of another conversation to follow, that conversation never happened. During this conversation I told her that I feel like I am in a no win situation as this is something I truly want and I believe she wants too (once again based off of what she has said, not me making stuff up) but she mostly seems to only be willing when she is extremely intoxicated. This, for obvious reasons, doesn’t work for me as I don’t want her to be into it at that time and the next day feel as if I manipulated her or cheated on her even though she was there and 100% into it. I don’t believe that is ok for a first time experience, a little buzzed is one thing but browned out or blacked out is a completely different story. I also rarely drink at all, and even less get actually buzzed/drunk. Since she seems to flip flop on the idea I am scared to bring it up as I don’t want her to feel or think that it is because of her looks or that she isn’t enough for me.

For the past year or so I have constantly thought about sex (with her, with her and another, and even with others without her). I thought this was due to my “personal alone habits” and decided to stop doing that completely as I thought it would reduce these constant thoughts but Instead it has multiplied! I feel like every other thought is about sex or some sexual act.

With all of that said… I have been struggling to decide how to proceed. Do I ask her to go to a sex counselor for couples? Do I initiate the adding a third conversation again? Or finally, do I ask for an open marriage?

Yes I am aware that this would not just be a one way road and that this would open her up to experiencing there men if she decided to do so. I also fully understand and acknowledge that this type of mentality or thought process is not aligned with everyone’s views and want to hear the pro’s, con’s, warnings, successes, etc. from all angles.

Edit:

Multiple people seem to think our relationship is in a downward spiral, which is not the case at all. We both are extremely happy and love our relationship, marriage, and life we have built together. This particular aspect of our relationship of feeling disconnected sexually is solely felt by myself and not my wife.

To clarify, she has been the one bringing up the conversation up more often than I have in the last six months. For the past few months, if she brings this up while she is drunk I change the topic as this is not something I want to talk about when intoxication is involved anymore. Sometimes, not always, either her or I will bring it up a day or two after she mentioned it when she was drunk and her thoughts and views are not consistent from conversation to conversation.

I do not post to Reddit and apologize in advance if I am breaking any rules.

Hello everyone! I have created a subreddit for the monogamous gays out there to have a space for discussion, to meet, and chat! I know it can feel hard to find other monogamous gays these days, so I hope those of you that are into monogamy will join. <3

Genuinely curious about the majority of monogamous people and how they experience fantasies while in relationships. Is it relational or somatic for you?

I'm a straight woman and I experience desire, attachment, and fidelity as a single unified phenomenon. When I love, my entire erotic and romantic focus is on one man. I cannot fathom dating a person who is technically faithful but still watches porn and has fantasies about other people when I literally have none. I think most people just have fantasies they don't mention​ to partners, which I don't want in my relationship. I'm having a hard time trying to find someone who aligns with me, it is exhausting and I feel like giving up and declaring permanent singlehood at this point. ​​

Hi, I’m M35, my partner is 33F and we’ve been together for 7 years, since my early teens I’ve secretly been bi and kept this well hidden still to this day, a few of months into our relationship (Bare in mind we did have a little fling 8-9 years prior to we rekindled) i admitted to her is was Bi, however I told her that it wasn’t an issue but I felt like I had to tell her ( she’s the only female partner I’ve ever told), she was shocked and confused which is understandable, I left her to make her own decision about this and she was okay with it, as time went on she accepted it more and more. She could listen and accepted that although i wanted her I still struggled to deal with not being able to have gay sex also, after deep talks, we both accepted and agreed to a the possibilities of a Bi MMF threesome which she’s open too if it all works out, we’ve both spoken about this multiple times and we both get turned on by the thoughts of certain things but we’re both still realistic about what we both like/do and don’t want to do not only to save our relationship but also out of respect for each other. We have agreed that if we came to it, our plan would be we’d chat to the other guy first to see how things are, then take a break away where me and her can privately discuss what we liked, didnt like and would like to happen if we wanted to continue, also we’ve agree to take regular interval breaks before things advance to see how we both feel and how we’d like things to plan out if they do advance, also I’ve stated what my misses says goes, if she says no, it means no! We’re both on the same page and want to do this properly without hurting each other, does this sound like a good start?

CW for huge polyphobia I guess?

Had experiences being cheated two times with the "but I'm poly so this is okay" shit of an excuse, and in a new relationship where the person considered trying it at one time, but changed her mind (tho I still struggle trusting her because of my background). Yes, at this point I think I'm cursed lmao. Plus, since I tend to hang out in a lo of queer spaces, I also see a lot of positivity around ENM in general.

That stuff used to make me go "Eh this is weird but as long as everyone is adult and consenting" but, with time, it got to the point where it made me sick to the stomach. I wish I could just be able to not care and concentrate on myself. But god this is hard. I think about it almost every day. Being forced in this kind of twisted narrative. Losing the one I loved. Forced to accept things I wouldn't. Feeling deep hatred every time I come across stuff promoting ENM. This became a sort of mental self harm to me and I feel like I can't escape it.

It's been almost 10 years, with one entire year with these kind of thoughts in servere amount that I just described.

The consequences have been desastrous on my mental health, I'm seeing a therapist (who agrees with me that all this shit is just a bunch of narcissistic weirdos who are scared of engagement), but this is not enough. This made me unable to enjoy some moments, concentrate at work or whenever I'm with my close ones. I can't stop having to talk with my gf to be reassured, which works, but then I'm so scared she might change her mind again, like the others did, that I almost need to be reassured on almost a daily basis. This makes me feel pathetic and needy, which I hate, and is poisoning my relationship.

I want this to stop. I want to go back to a normal life and not live in constant fear and pain.

As a queer person myself, I feel like an outcast thinking like that. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm overreacting in fear of becoming like the bigots who hate us. At the same time, seeing people endorsing ENM almost makes me want to vomit so I can't just... let it exist while being in peace at the same time.

This might sound egoistical but damn. I wish that non-mono nonsens never existed. I wish people didn't start collecting spouses like they were trophies. I wish people never rediscovered that and adapted it so it could be "ethical". I wish that this lifestyle was more denounced, more studied and that the world, well especially a lot of queer/afraid of commitment/traumatized people would see that this is NOT the solution to their problems, on the contrary...

I want them, both the narcissists who will never be satisfied even while dating 12 people at the same time, and the folks who think that they don't deserve true love, to heal and find peace.

It all started off with my gf asking me if I was frustrated. I was. I told her, that I'm frustrated that she won't have an adult conversation with me about how polyamory hurts people.

She straight up denies that most poly people get hurt. She wants scientific papers on harm.

So Im asking people, for scientific papers they might have.

CW for huge polyphobia I guess?

Had experiences being cheated two times with the "but I'm poly so this is okay" shit of an excuse, and in a new relationship where the person considered trying it at one time, but changed her mind (tho I still struggle trusting her because of my background). Yes, at this point I think I'm cursed lmao. Plus, since I tend to hang out in a lo of queer spaces, I also see a lot of positivity around ENM in general.

That stuff used to make me go "Eh this is weird but as long as everyone is adult and consenting" but, with time, it got to the point where it made me sick to the stomach. I wish I could just be able to not care and concentrate on myself. But god this is hard. I think about it almost every day. Being forced in this kind of twisted narrative. Losing the one I loved. Forced to accept things I wouldn't. Feeling deep hatred every time I come across stuff promoting ENM. This became a sort of mental self harm to me and I feel like I can't escape it.

It's been almost 10 years, with one entire year with these kind of thoughts in servere amount that I just described.

The consequences have been desastrous on my mental health, I'm seeing a therapist (who agrees with me that all this shit is just a bunch of narcissistic weirdos who are scared of engagement), but this is not enough. This made me unable to enjoy some moments, concentrate at work or whenever I'm with my close ones. I can't stop having to talk with my gf to be reassured, which works, but then I'm so scared she might change her mind again, like the others did, that I almost need to be reassured on almost a daily basis. This makes me feel pathetic and needy, which I hate, and is poisoning my relationship.

I want this to stop. I want to go back to a normal life and not live in constant fear and pain.

As a queer person myself, I feel like an outcast thinking like that. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm overreacting in fear of becoming like the bigots who hate us. At the same time, seeing people endorsing ENM almost makes me want to vomit so I can't just... let it exist while being in peace at the same time.

This might sound egoistical but damn. I wish that non-mono nonsens never existed. I wish people didn't start collecting spouses like they were trophies. I wish people never rediscovered that and adapted it so it could be "ethical". I wish that this lifestyle was more denounced, more studied and that the world, well especially a lot of queer/afraid of commitment/traumatized people would see that this is NOT the solution to their problems, on the contrary...

I want them, both the narcissists who will never be satisfied even while dating 12 people at the same time, and the folks who think that they don't deserve true love, to heal and find peace.

Where did the practice of monogamy start? And what were the drivers? A more cohesive society? To manage gene flow? Better suited for industrialisation?

It has been widely adopted and you don't see any other model predominating in G7 or even G30 countries so it works in that sense. What are the downsides of monogamy in terms of impacts on physical and mental health? And on crime and types of crime. Domestic violence for example? Does history point to alternatives that were successful and could they work now?

I don’t even know where to start, I guess I have to pour out my thoughts somewhere because I don’t know what to do. before I start I know this was stupid and bound to fail from the start.

As the title says I am (F24) dating an older man (M36) that is from an open relationship, who I have met at work about a year ago now.

(What must be said right away is at the time I was in a miserable relationship in which my now ex boyfriend (M42) let his ex gf (F49) be always around us and never set any boundaries. it gets very bad to what extent but that’s another story for another time. quick add on is he in start of relationship woke me up to him being ready to go down on me while I was asleep and using the chance the second time after I broke up with him over month ago to do same thing while in my asleep state I thought this is my current bf)

i noticed him almost right away and had a silent crush on him for good 5-6 months before ever confessing (which I was planning on never doing) until I learned he is poly and even then without expectations of anything happening. I liked him as a person and genuinely wanted to just befriend him instead. During those first 6 months we would run into each other but never really talked properly but slowly after those months we started to chat more & more and we hit it off. We were on same page with almost everything , liked the same things , enjoyed same activities, same music & bands, had same love languages and it was just so easy to be around each other. Eventually I confessed to him thinking that worst that will happen is we will become friends with benefits but slowly it became more and more like dating and at some point that’s what we started to call it, dating.

In the start he was a true sweetheart, he isn’t big on texting and is very introverted but he took me out for dates he fully paid for, he made plans for us , made time to see me for even a little bit , would send paragraphs of how I make him feel or improved him in some way. He started to pick me up every morning so i wouldn’t have to go by public transport to work, Would come to me at work and chat there , told about me to his close friends and some of his coworker friends too , He was reassuring and kind and would notice immediately if I was off and would talk about it with me and fix it . He did everything and more than I could ever ask or hope for in a man. as someone who previously had an abusive relationship and one in which my emotional needs and feelings were ignored and dismissed this was like heaven. Even thought I was just the second girlfriend.

I am strictly mono but I thought I could do this . I love him so much and I’ve gotten so used to being the second or last option in every single relationship of mine to the point I thought I’d be fine with it . Then it happened. his rose coloured glasses wore off, little after our first intimacy experience.

no dates, no plans made (we see for hour a week at best now on free time ) , no paragraphs, answering messages by just reacting with emojis, I love yous turning into just love yous , he doesn’t come to me at work anymore, no surprises, he still comes to pick me up in mornings but …

i feel so lonely. while i wait in excitement for a single message, a single reply he can go all day without talking to me much at all. he says he loves me but I barely feel it . He still comforts me when I cry and kisses me but it’s not the same. When he comes over for the hour or two at best it’s always same we talk, we cuddle , we have intimacy, and he leaves back home.

i am exhausted, I love him but I know for a fact on his end it was all just love bombing or liking the idea of me or my love for him .