u/MonkeyTAang

We (32M & 43F) have been together for 9 years and married for 6+. We have been monogamous the entire relationship. We do not have kids and do not plan to have or want kids. We have an active sex life with a normal week having 2-4 encounters.

To start, my wife is amazing! She treats me like a king while still being a strong independent woman. Our marriage is one that people literally tell us that they wish they had. We support each other personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. Like all couples we have tiffs here and there but we communicate what our feelings and view points are. We will relax and realign very quickly, usually right then and sometimes a few hours later.

While we were dating and ever since I have been very open about my desires of threesomes, wanting to be with other races, trying different kinks/toys, etc. I thought these desires would pass or were fun fantasies in my head but in the past two or less years these desires have only amplified. My wife on the other hand is not as “freaky,” as she calls it, as I am.

For roughly 4-5 years now I have felt off about our sex life. At first I thought it was something wrong with me as she was and still is beautiful and amazing in every way! Since this started I have shared my thoughts and feelings about it on how I viewed it at the time of each of these conversations. About a year or so ago I came to the realization that it was that we don’t “click” sexually except for very rarely, maybe a couple times a year. What I mean by that is I feel like both her and I are going through the motions during sex and are not there for the experience. I feel that I am just there when she wants to finish and that she is just there when I want to finish. This has been very difficult for me as I’ve always been the type that likes to make the person I’m with finish, almost like a game of who can last longer. My wife finishes in one way and one way only, which has nothing to do with my performance. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing wrong with that but it does go directly against what my goal is during sex. I view sexual encounters similar to my body is her playground that I want her to explore/play with and hers is mine, obviously with consent of whatever actions are happening from the other person.

About 3 years ago we were talking a lot about how we both were fantasizing about having a third. At one point, around this time, she made out with another guy, who was open about his swinging and a friend of mine, when we all went out bar hopping. I did have a negative reaction to it as I honestly never thought she would have actually done something with another guy as she has always told me she would rather do something with a girl. Since this happened we have had many conversations about possibly bringing a third into the equation. At one point we even joining some apps for a short period, but nothing has ever happened. She seems to go back and forth on the idea. In the past six months she has had multiple occasions where she will openly talk about wanting to be with a girl or how it would be ok if I was with another girl, usually when she is very intoxicated and even a couple of times when she’s been sober. During this time there have been a few times when she’s been out drinking with friends or co-workers she has actually tried to bring girls home or told them that she wanted to hook up with them. I would like note that each of these times I have not been with her when she’s actively pursuing this, I’m not sure if that matters.

We have had this threesome conversation about bring a third in both sober and intoxicated, but the next day if I try to bring it up it’s almost like I’m telling her I’m going to cheat on her. A couple of weeks ago I tried to have the conversation about bringing a third in which initially was received very well with the promise of another conversation to follow, that conversation never happened. During this conversation I told her that I feel like I am in a no win situation as this is something I truly want and I believe she wants too (once again based off of what she has said, not me making stuff up) but she mostly seems to only be willing when she is extremely intoxicated. This, for obvious reasons, doesn’t work for me as I don’t want her to be into it at that time and the next day feel as if I manipulated her or cheated on her even though she was there and 100% into it. I don’t believe that is ok for a first time experience, a little buzzed is one thing but browned out or blacked out is a completely different story. I also rarely drink at all, and even less get actually buzzed/drunk. Since she seems to flip flop on the idea I am scared to bring it up as I don’t want her to feel or think that it is because of her looks or that she isn’t enough for me.

For the past year or so I have constantly thought about sex (with her, with her and another, and even with others without her). I thought this was due to my “personal alone habits” and decided to stop doing that completely as I thought it would reduce these constant thoughts but Instead it has multiplied! I feel like every other thought is about sex or some sexual act.

With all of that said… I have been struggling to decide how to proceed. Do I ask her to go to a sex counselor for couples? Do I initiate the adding a third conversation again? Or finally, do I ask for an open marriage?

Yes I am aware that this would not just be a one way road and that this would open her up to experiencing there men if she decided to do so. I also fully understand and acknowledge that this type of mentality or thought process is not aligned with everyone’s views and want to hear the pro’s, con’s, warnings, successes, etc. from all angles.

WARNING: This post does talk about non monogamous topics and is not meant to offend, trigger, or upset anyone. I am posting here and other subreddits to get a wide range of different view points and opinions on this topic help me best approach this.

We (32M & 43F) have been together for 9 years and married for 6+. We have been monogamous the entire relationship. We do not have kids and do not plan to have or want kids. We have an active sex life with a normal week having 2-4 encounters.

To start, my wife is amazing! She treats me like a king while still being a strong independent woman. Our marriage is one that people literally tell us that they wish they had. We support each other personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. Like all couples we have tiffs here and there but we communicate what our feelings and view points are. We will relax and realign very quickly, usually right then and sometimes a few hours later.

While we were dating and ever since I have been very open about my desires of threesomes, wanting to experience new things and people (edited for a better portrayal of what I initially meant), trying different kinks/toys, etc. I thought these desires would pass or were fun fantasies in my head but in the past two or less years these desires have only amplified. My wife on the other hand is not as “freaky,” as she calls it, as I am.

For roughly 4-5 years now I have felt off about our sex life. At first I thought it was something wrong with me as she was and still is beautiful and amazing in every way! Since this started I have shared my thoughts and feelings about it on how I viewed it at the time of each of these conversations. About a year or so ago I came to the realization that it was that we don’t “click” sexually except for very rarely, maybe a couple times a year. What I mean by that is I feel like both her and I are going through the motions during sex and are not there for the experience. I feel that I am just there when she wants to finish and that she is just there when I want to finish. This has been very difficult for me as I’ve always been the type that likes to make the person I’m with finish, almost like a game of who can last longer. My wife finishes in one way and one way only, which has nothing to do with my performance. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing wrong with that but it does go directly against what my goal is during sex. I view sexual encounters similar to my body is her playground that I want her to explore/play with and hers is mine, obviously with consent of whatever actions are happening from the other person.

About 3 years ago we were talking a lot about how we both were fantasizing about having a third. At one point, around this time, she made out with another guy, who was open about his swinging and a friend of mine, when we all went out bar hopping. I did have a negative reaction to it as I honestly never thought she would have actually done something with another guy as she has always told me she would rather do something with a girl. Since this happened we have had many conversations about possibly bringing a third into the equation. At one point we even joining some apps for a short period, but nothing has ever happened. She seems to go back and forth on the idea. In the past six months she has had multiple occasions where she will openly talk about wanting to be with a girl or how it would be ok if I was with another girl, usually when she is very intoxicated and even a couple of times when she’s been sober. During this time there have been a few times when she’s been out drinking with friends or co-workers she has actually tried to bring girls home or told them that she wanted to hook up with them. I would like note that each of these times I have not been with her when she’s actively pursuing this, I’m not sure if that matters.

We have had this threesome conversation about bring a third in both sober and intoxicated, but the next day if I try to bring it up it’s almost like I’m telling her I’m going to cheat on her. A couple of weeks ago I tried to have the conversation about bringing a third in which initially was received very well with the promise of another conversation to follow, that conversation never happened. During this conversation I told her that I feel like I am in a no win situation as this is something I truly want and I believe she wants too (once again based off of what she has said, not me making stuff up) but she mostly seems to only be willing when she is extremely intoxicated. This, for obvious reasons, doesn’t work for me as I don’t want her to be into it at that time and the next day feel as if I manipulated her or cheated on her even though she was there and 100% into it. I don’t believe that is ok for a first time experience, a little buzzed is one thing but browned out or blacked out is a completely different story. I also rarely drink at all, and even less get actually buzzed/drunk. Since she seems to flip flop on the idea I am scared to bring it up as I don’t want her to feel or think that it is because of her looks or that she isn’t enough for me.

For the past year or so I have constantly thought about sex (with her, with her and another, and even with others without her). I thought this was due to my “personal alone habits” and decided to stop doing that completely as I thought it would reduce these constant thoughts but Instead it has multiplied! I feel like every other thought is about sex or some sexual act.

With all of that said… I have been struggling to decide how to proceed. Do I ask her to go to a sex counselor for couples? Do I initiate the adding a third conversation again? Or finally, do I ask for an open marriage?

Yes I am aware that this would not just be a one way road and that this would open her up to experiencing there men if she decided to do so. I also fully understand and acknowledge that this type of mentality or thought process is not aligned with everyone’s views and want to hear the pro’s, con’s, warnings, successes, etc. from all angles.

Edit:

Multiple people seem to think our relationship is in a downward spiral, which is not the case at all. We both are extremely happy and love our relationship, marriage, and life we have built together. This particular aspect of our relationship of feeling disconnected sexually is solely felt by myself and not my wife.

To clarify, she has been the one bringing up the conversation up more often than I have in the last six months. For the past few months, if she brings this up while she is drunk I change the topic as this is not something I want to talk about when intoxication is involved anymore. Sometimes, not always, either her or I will bring it up a day or two after she mentioned it when she was drunk and her thoughts and views are not consistent from conversation to conversation.

I do not post to Reddit and apologize in advance if I am breaking any rules.

We (32M & 43F) have been together for 9 years and married for 6+. We have been monogamous the entire relationship. We do not have kids and do not plan to have or want kids. We have an active sex life with a normal week having 2-4 encounters.

To start, my wife is amazing! She treats me like a king while still being a strong independent woman. Our marriage is one that people literally tell us that they wish they had. We support each other personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. Like all couples we have tiffs here and there but we communicate what our feelings and view points are. We will relax and realign very quickly, usually right then and sometimes a few hours later.

While we were dating and ever since I have been very open about my desires of threesomes, wanting to experience new things and people (edited for a better portrayal of what I initially meant), trying different kinks/toys, etc. I thought these desires would pass or were fun fantasies in my head but in the past two or less years these desires have only amplified. My wife on the other hand is not as “freaky,” as she calls it, as I am.

For roughly 4-5 years now I have felt off about our sex life. At first I thought it was something wrong with me as she was and still is beautiful and amazing in every way! Since this started I have shared my thoughts and feelings about it on how I viewed it at the time of each of these conversations. About a year or so ago I came to the realization that it was that we don’t “click” sexually except for very rarely, maybe a couple times a year. What I mean by that is I feel like both her and I are going through the motions during sex and are not there for the experience. I feel that I am just there when she wants to finish and that she is just there when I want to finish. This has been very difficult for me as I’ve always been the type that likes to make the person I’m with finish, almost like a game of who can last longer. My wife finishes in one way and one way only, which has nothing to do with my performance. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing wrong with that but it does go directly against what my goal is during sex. I view sexual encounters similar to my body is her playground that I want her to explore/play with and hers is mine, obviously with consent of whatever actions are happening from the other person.

About 3 years ago we were talking a lot about how we both were fantasizing about having a third. At one point, around this time, she made out with another guy, who was open about his swinging and a friend of mine, when we all went out bar hopping. I did have a negative reaction to it as I honestly never thought she would have actually done something with another guy as she has always told me she would rather do something with a girl. Since this happened we have had many conversations about possibly bringing a third into the equation. At one point we even joining some apps for a short period, but nothing has ever happened. She seems to go back and forth on the idea. In the past six months she has had multiple occasions where she will openly talk about wanting to be with a girl or how it would be ok if I was with another girl, usually when she is very intoxicated and even a couple of times when she’s been sober. During this time there have been a few times when she’s been out drinking with friends or co-workers she has actually tried to bring girls home or told them that she wanted to hook up with them. I would like note that each of these times I have not been with her when she’s actively pursuing this, I’m not sure if that matters.

We have had this threesome conversation about bring a third in both sober and intoxicated, but the next day if I try to bring it up it’s almost like I’m telling her I’m going to cheat on her. A couple of weeks ago I tried to have the conversation about bringing a third in which initially was received very well with the promise of another conversation to follow, that conversation never happened. During this conversation I told her that I feel like I am in a no win situation as this is something I truly want and I believe she wants too (once again based off of what she has said, not me making stuff up) but she mostly seems to only be willing when she is extremely intoxicated. This, for obvious reasons, doesn’t work for me as I don’t want her to be into it at that time and the next day feel as if I manipulated her or cheated on her even though she was there and 100% into it. I don’t believe that is ok for a first time experience, a little buzzed is one thing but browned out or blacked out is a completely different story. I also rarely drink at all, and even less get actually buzzed/drunk. Since she seems to flip flop on the idea I am scared to bring it up as I don’t want her to feel or think that it is because of her looks or that she isn’t enough for me.

For the past year or so I have constantly thought about sex (with her, with her and another, and even with others without her). I thought this was due to my “personal alone habits” and decided to stop doing that completely as I thought it would reduce these constant thoughts but Instead it has multiplied! I feel like every other thought is about sex or some sexual act.

With all of that said… I have been struggling to decide how to proceed. Do I ask her to go to a sex counselor for couples? Do I initiate the adding a third conversation again? Or finally, do I ask for an open marriage?

Yes I am aware that this would not just be a one way road and that this would open her up to experiencing there men if she decided to do so. I also fully understand and acknowledge that this type of mentality or thought process is not aligned with everyone’s views and want to hear the pro’s, con’s, warnings, successes, etc. from all angles.

Edit:

Multiple people seem to think our relationship is in a downward spiral, which is not the case at all. We both are extremely happy and love our relationship, marriage, and life we have built together. This particular aspect of our relationship of feeling disconnected sexually is solely felt by myself and not my wife.

To clarify, she has been the one bringing up the conversation up more often than I have in the last six months. For the past few months, if she brings this up while she is drunk I change the topic as this is not something I want to talk about when intoxication is involved anymore. Sometimes, not always, either her or I will bring it up a day or two after she mentioned it when she was drunk and her thoughts and views are not consistent from conversation to conversation.

I do not post to Reddit and apologize in advance if I am breaking any rules.