u/Responsible-Gas-8740

I've seen so many poly people having the "needing deep connections and trust", as well as the "dating only one person prevents you from forming different bonds and relationships with other people in a romantic way and missing that is sad" arguments against monogamy. At the same time, many poly people I know or I've heard about (keep in mind that don't know every single poly person on earth) actually lack proprer friendships, or have no genuine friends at all.

A poly person I knew considered their acquitances (ie, persons they tolerated, liked to spend some time with but not too many of it, worked with) as their friends. And they told me they had romantic feelings whenever the connection was stronger than that : being able to have deep conversations, sharing interests, and the other person being a safe space. Which, to me at least, is the basis of friendship.

And this is sad to see, as someone who has several healthy, deep friendships, and circle of friends which I can confide in without having to mask, people lowering their standards like that.

I had one ex which cheated on me on the pretext that she was polyam. Her way of seeing her friendship was that she had one main "friend" in her life, which she spent all her time with, and this relationship was very ambiguous as well. I was in this position, as her partner later, and she was jealous whenever I interacted with friends (and I meant in a normal way ie talking and spend time with, not flirting or trying to date them or anything gross like that). But at the same time, she blamed me when I told her kissing another guy was cheating, on the pretext that she was poly and couldn't repress her needs. She mixed everything up.

And I saw many poly people being like that : friendship and love are close things for them, or even sometimes, the same thing alltogether. They don't seem to have the same limits to what's everything supposed to be differenciated by.

And I mean, in the end, they're adults and choose whatever fits them most, I guess. But knowing that there's a big chance they're missing the point of having genuine and amazing friendships and a partner who truly loves them, and instead, choose to share what's not shareable (in my opinion) ie their lover, and have these weird, unhealthy dynamics where their friends are the people who share their partner with them...

Instead, they choose to have shallow friendships, and involve themselves systematically in romantic situationships which will inevitably break at some point. They're thinking that this lifestyle will give them opportunities to build stronger relationships, but at the end, they're making them more fragile, more difficult, more prone to drama. And they're bringing themselves closer to isolation, which is truly depressing. Both for them and to an exterior point of view.

And truly, I think they're missing out something amazing. Hoping to see some of them think about that and change their ways instead of denying their, and their loved one's needs.

I've seen so many poly people having the "needing deep connections and trust", as well as the "dating only one person prevents you from forming different bonds and relationships with other people in a romantic way and missing that is sad" arguments against monogamy. At the same time, many poly people I know or I've heard about (keep in mind that don't know every single poly person on earth) actually lack proprer friendships, or have no genuine friends at all.

A poly person I knew considered their acquitances (ie, persons they tolerated, liked to spend some time with but not too many of it, worked with) as their friends. And they told me they had romantic feelings whenever the connection was stronger than that : being able to have deep conversations, sharing interests, and the other person being a safe space. Which, to me at least, is the basis of friendship.

And this is sad to see, as someone who has several healthy, deep friendships, and circle of friends which I can confide in without having to mask, people lowering their standards like that.

I had one ex which cheated on me on the pretext that she was polyam. Her way of seeing her friendship was that she had one main "friend" in her life, which she spent all her time with, and this relationship was very ambiguous as well. I was in this position, as her partner later, and she was jealous whenever I interacted with friends (and I meant in a normal way ie talking and spend time with, not flirting or trying to date them or anything gross like that). But at the same time, she blamed me when I told her kissing another guy was cheating, on the pretext that she was poly and couldn't repress her needs. She mixed everything up.

And I saw many poly people being like that : friendship and love are close things for them, or even sometimes, the same thing alltogether. They don't seem to have the same limits to what's everything supposed to be differenciated by.

And I mean, in the end, they're adults and choose whatever fits them most, I guess. But knowing that there's a big chance they're missing the point of having genuine and amazing friendships and a partner who truly loves them, and instead, choose to share what's not shareable (in my opinion) ie their lover, and have these weird, unhealthy dynamics where their friends are the people who share their partner with them...

Instead, they choose to have shallow friendships, and involve themselves systematically in romantic situationships which will inevitably break at some point. They're thinking that this lifestyle will give them opportunities to build stronger relationships, but at the end, they're making them more fragile, more difficult, more prone to drama. And they're bringing themselves closer to isolation, which is truly depressing. Both for them and to an exterior point of view.

And truly, I think they're missing out something amazing. Hoping to see some of them think about that and change their ways instead of denying their, and their loved one's needs.

CW for huge polyphobia I guess?

Had experiences being cheated two times with the "but I'm poly so this is okay" shit of an excuse, and in a new relationship where the person considered trying it at one time, but changed her mind (tho I still struggle trusting her because of my background). Yes, at this point I think I'm cursed lmao. Plus, since I tend to hang out in a lo of queer spaces, I also see a lot of positivity around ENM in general.

That stuff used to make me go "Eh this is weird but as long as everyone is adult and consenting" but, with time, it got to the point where it made me sick to the stomach. I wish I could just be able to not care and concentrate on myself. But god this is hard. I think about it almost every day. Being forced in this kind of twisted narrative. Losing the one I loved. Forced to accept things I wouldn't. Feeling deep hatred every time I come across stuff promoting ENM. This became a sort of mental self harm to me and I feel like I can't escape it.

It's been almost 10 years, with one entire year with these kind of thoughts in servere amount that I just described.

The consequences have been desastrous on my mental health, I'm seeing a therapist (who agrees with me that all this shit is just a bunch of narcissistic weirdos who are scared of engagement), but this is not enough. This made me unable to enjoy some moments, concentrate at work or whenever I'm with my close ones. I can't stop having to talk with my gf to be reassured, which works, but then I'm so scared she might change her mind again, like the others did, that I almost need to be reassured on almost a daily basis. This makes me feel pathetic and needy, which I hate, and is poisoning my relationship.

I want this to stop. I want to go back to a normal life and not live in constant fear and pain.

As a queer person myself, I feel like an outcast thinking like that. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm overreacting in fear of becoming like the bigots who hate us. At the same time, seeing people endorsing ENM almost makes me want to vomit so I can't just... let it exist while being in peace at the same time.

This might sound egoistical but damn. I wish that non-mono nonsens never existed. I wish people didn't start collecting spouses like they were trophies. I wish people never rediscovered that and adapted it so it could be "ethical". I wish that this lifestyle was more denounced, more studied and that the world, well especially a lot of queer/afraid of commitment/traumatized people would see that this is NOT the solution to their problems, on the contrary...

I want them, both the narcissists who will never be satisfied even while dating 12 people at the same time, and the folks who think that they don't deserve true love, to heal and find peace.

CW for huge polyphobia I guess?

Had experiences being cheated two times with the "but I'm poly so this is okay" shit of an excuse, and in a new relationship where the person considered trying it at one time, but changed her mind (tho I still struggle trusting her because of my background). Yes, at this point I think I'm cursed lmao. Plus, since I tend to hang out in a lo of queer spaces, I also see a lot of positivity around ENM in general.

That stuff used to make me go "Eh this is weird but as long as everyone is adult and consenting" but, with time, it got to the point where it made me sick to the stomach. I wish I could just be able to not care and concentrate on myself. But god this is hard. I think about it almost every day. Being forced in this kind of twisted narrative. Losing the one I loved. Forced to accept things I wouldn't. Feeling deep hatred every time I come across stuff promoting ENM. This became a sort of mental self harm to me and I feel like I can't escape it.

It's been almost 10 years, with one entire year with these kind of thoughts in servere amount that I just described.

The consequences have been desastrous on my mental health, I'm seeing a therapist (who agrees with me that all this shit is just a bunch of narcissistic weirdos who are scared of engagement), but this is not enough. This made me unable to enjoy some moments, concentrate at work or whenever I'm with my close ones. I can't stop having to talk with my gf to be reassured, which works, but then I'm so scared she might change her mind again, like the others did, that I almost need to be reassured on almost a daily basis. This makes me feel pathetic and needy, which I hate, and is poisoning my relationship.

I want this to stop. I want to go back to a normal life and not live in constant fear and pain.

As a queer person myself, I feel like an outcast thinking like that. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm overreacting in fear of becoming like the bigots who hate us. At the same time, seeing people endorsing ENM almost makes me want to vomit so I can't just... let it exist while being in peace at the same time.

This might sound egoistical but damn. I wish that non-mono nonsens never existed. I wish people didn't start collecting spouses like they were trophies. I wish people never rediscovered that and adapted it so it could be "ethical". I wish that this lifestyle was more denounced, more studied and that the world, well especially a lot of queer/afraid of commitment/traumatized people would see that this is NOT the solution to their problems, on the contrary...

I want them, both the narcissists who will never be satisfied even while dating 12 people at the same time, and the folks who think that they don't deserve true love, to heal and find peace.