Why Polyamory freaks you out PART 2
It's the specialized vocabulary that's basically a form of 'control language.' Cults develop specialized vocabulary in order to groom members to accept boundary violations / abuse. Notice how many polyamorists use a lot of pseudo-psych terms that feel like something out of Scientology or NXVM? This isn't an accident. It's an attempt to redefine ordinary concepts and words to change the meaning and control thought and behavior through language.
Compersion, kitchen-table, unicorn, relationship anarchy, solo poly, metamor, nesting partner, secondary, comet, etc are part of a new vocabulary that creates an insider framework by redefining concepts that already exist. It takes ordinary relationship concepts and rebrands them in ways that make the framework seem more sophisticated and coherent than it is. The more elaborate the vocabulary, the more official and 'scientific' it seems. (For instance, nesting partner probably refers to someone's spouse or serious relationship and secondary is more akin to a mistress.)
Why this is troubling is that by redefining relationship styles and situations that humans have practiced for years, it makes a situation that one might not want to accept now seem safe. For instance, it's a hard and heartbreaking lo be a mistress to someone who is married with a family that you will never have with them, but now you're not a mistress... you're a secondary partner. And although the situation might be the same, it's now seen framed as positive even if you're still settling for less.
Relationships get redefined so you are trained to expect less. "Get off the relationship esclator,' "Only seeing someone once a month doesn't mean it's not serious." "A partner could be anyone. Even someone you see once a year." "I know he takes her on trips and only wants to see you a couple of times a month, but that doesn't mean he's into you less. He's just bad at being poly."
Redefining emotions makes it seem like only insiders share the same experience. If you're poly you are supposed to be able to feel emotions that other humans can't like compersion or frubble. But in fact, compersion just means feeling happy for someone else. Frubble means having warm feeling for a meta. You can't just say 'I like them' or 'I'm happy for them.' because they wouldn't be special and exclusive to the in-group.
Boundaries get redefined so you are shamed for asserting them. When someone expresses discomfort, the language is ready: "that's your jealousy talking," "you need to work on your attachment style," "that's a scarcity mindset." Legitimate concern gets reframed as personal flaws or failings. These are called thought-terminating clichés, phrases that shut down critical thinking the moment doubt arises like "that's your ego talking." "Trust the process." "The outside world doesn't understand." "Don't let anyone else judge your relationships." "You must trust we have the best intentions," "That's just a hetero normative view of relationships." "You're a bigot if you don't let me sleep with other people." "If you don't let me see other people, I see that as a form of abusive control."
Basically, they frame crossing your boundaries and abusing you as a form of self-development or growth. If you don't like it, you're just not as evolved, not doing the work or are being controlling. And it can get really dark when they accuse you of abusing them when you beg them not to abuse or hurt you.
This is a cult-mentality. It's how Keith Reneire got intelligent, educated women who initially just signed up for an executive success program to allow his initials to be branded into their flesh. It was sold as self-development.
I think for most of us, it's the current cult-like mentality that's overtaken polyamory that gives us the icks.
It's not the sexual exploration, sexual hedonism or genuinely trying to figure out what to do if we find ourselves in a sincere love triangle.
It's the weird cult stuff that pretends pair-bonding isn't real and abuse is okay as long as you get consent to abuse someone.
Oh, and the other reason it gives you the icks: Too many Rennies (grown middle-aged adults who work at Red Faire). LOL