r/loveafterporn

Let me start by saying - I am not encouraging everyone to leave their relationships. I am merely sharing a different perspective on things, because I’m tired of lying to myself. I’m just wondering if anyone has ever thought of the same things..

I’ve seen so many posts here about how we keep finding out about our partners’ relapses and everyone is just trying to find comfort in each other here about our frustrations and anxiety. But none of us ever leave. We just continue to put ourselves in this misery in the hopes that they will change. Like d-day -> cry and confront -> therapy, recovery and empty promises, while we suffer the daily anxiety -> find out they relapsed -> cycle repeats. I know we all love our partners, and sometimes this is the only aspect of them that we can’t accept because they are perfect in other areas.

But when are we ever going to learn that they relapse KNOWING how much it impacts us. They consciously did that. Why are we not supporting each other to find our exit? It makes me so sad to read these posts. I’m even disappointed in myself because I’m still with him. I dont know when is going to be the next relapse. I’m just living life on auto pilot, wary for the next relapse if it ever resurfaces. I know some of you might say, every man is different, we cannot compare your man to my man, every recovery is different etc. but when will we ever face the music? They will just find better ways to find loopholes. This is just who they are. I’ve also seen the “positive” posts where their partners have seemingly “recovered” for months, years, etc. Trust me I’ve been there. I’ve been the hopeful one. I’ve been the proud one because I felt like my story was one of the successful cases, I thought my man was an outlier in this group. Boy was I wrong. An addict is an addict. They CANNOT just stop cold turkey. Just like drug addicts and alcoholics, they need help yes, because they are fucked up. But at least with them, we can physically see the difference. However porn addiction is hard because we will never know the truth. It’s not something we can see with our eyes that they have recovered. It’s hard because it’s in their brain. What they think, who they think of, how frequent, when they do it, where they do it. But how long do we have to put our lives in misery while we “help” them through their so called “recovery”.

I just think it would be more productive if we all just support each other to exit when relapses happen. Especially when the relapses happen because we are the ones finding it out on our own. These are the things we know of, what about the other relapses that we don’t know of? It’s already hard enough as it is. We can’t keep letting their addiction dictate our way of life. We can’t be naive forever. I hope we all find the strength to face the music together.

I (34 F) recently decided to break up with my fiance (35m) after 10 years because I believe he has a porn addiction that progressed to him arranging to meet a sex worker. (Full details in my previous post on /deadbedrooms) He still won’t admit to having an addiction and his reason for visiting the escort is because of his ED which I still don’t believe.

Apart from the lack of sex, we had a great relationship - he is very caring, we are always laughing and he’s my best friend. But he has deep issues and cant communicate, so problems spiral out of control.

We are currently still living together while we get the house ready to sell and everything is normal except we are not cuddling and sleeping in separate rooms. I know this is making things harder for me but I’m enjoying a bit of normality when my world has fallen apart.

I know leaving is the right decision but would love to hear some success stories if anyone else has been in the same position and found happiness without them. I’m terrified there are no good men left and I’ll never find love like this again.

I know a lot of us deal with this. Why is it always a race, an age, a body type, and profession etc that is literally impossible for us? Why choose us??

We were doing so much better…he’s been actually clean a while, I’m extremely up his butt on all devices all day and borderline thought policing 24/7 lol. The sex is good and focused on us.

Then this morning we were in a rush to finish and i saw his eyes close and immediately felt cold. I asked “who are you thinking about” and he smiled and said “you”…then admitted he was thinking of me in his favorite fetish situation, that I could literally never be under the laws of physical reality in our universe. If there were ANY amount of money I could throw at it to be this fetish, i already would have lol. Unfortunately we see girls of this description out and about in our city on the daily. And it will never be me.

Kills me. This is my life partner yall. Married with kids. Been with him most of my adult life and never wanted another. 50 more years of this? I don’t know how to handle it….

You were going to be in a relationship or marriage with a porn addict partner or spouse the whole forever relationship, and it never never got better… they never conquered it or stopped, it would be their lifetime battle …Would you have moved forward with the relationship?

I have had a wonderful relationship with my PA it’s actually insane how made for each other we are our ways to show affection our humor our love it was perfect but his addiction has caused us so many problems for lusting after friends to ONLYFANS to lusting after strangers he has shown progress and effort to better himself and effort to mend things in our relationship but the last straw is unfixabke

He works at a school with autistic children it’s his passion since his little brother has severe autism I’ve always wondered how his addiction doesn’t affect him at work and after digging deep he admitted that he looks at his students bodies. He is looking at high school children’s bodies

I told him he need to fucking quit his job and seek help and I told him I can’t be with him. It’s so fucking horrible I cant believe this is the person I loved for two years this was th4 man I thought was my soulmate it hurts so bad. I cant believe this

Anyone willing reply with comfort or advice or share a story of their own please do I have no idea what to do my skin is crawling my stomach hurts I feel sick and hurt

Last night my PA husband got drunk and started texting me aggressive texts about how I’m “weaponizing his actions.” I told him I wanted space after how he’s been treating me. He’s been misrepresenting me to everyone in order to play the victim and paint me as this cold, horrible woman despite me protecting my energy, focusing on my goals and rebuilding my confidence. He won’t ever tell them that part… just that I’m “standoffish” and “difficult” cause I won’t enable him.

He started asking if he should show up at my job and accused me of cheating cause I removed myself from the situation and went down the road to a quiet, cozy restaurant with my laptop to focus on my degree.

He waited up for me and so I changed after dropping my laptop off and went for a mile run in order to not engage in his behavior.

When he went to bed, he left his phone out and I noticed he deleted everything. All his texts, calls and voicemails. This was a major non-negotiable.

In one of the deleted voicemails from yesterday, his sponsor said “I’m sorry to hear you had multiple slips this week.” Meanwhile he was telling me he’s sober. He claims his “slips” were with photos of me. But digital is digital is digital and if that was the case, why did he delete all the evidence?

He spoke to his mom about me as well and she said that it’s wrong for me to blame him for anything he did to me and that I just am finding an excuse to accuse someone of ways that I make myself feel? And he agreed. Just like his dad, they all enable him.

After seeing that, I told him this morning that he needs to find a place to stay this weekend. He LOST it. He tried standing his ground and said he’s staying at the apartment. I told him absolutely not. He has options. He can go stay with mother dearest or his dad. He said if he goes to his dad’s, he can’t come back. And I said well that’s the decision he made for himself.

I’ve been doing so much to better myself through all of this. Working on my degree, going to physical therapy, practicing self care and pouring my energy back into myself. I deserve peace and if he won’t even respect my wish for personal space? If he wants to misrepresent me when I’m already stretched thin and making so many positive changes while he feeds his addiction, deflects and shifts blame while playing the victim, he can go do that elsewhere.

i wanna start this off by saying i would never ever EVER force my partner to have sex with me if they didn’t enthusiastically want to.

since d-day (end of march), ive been rejected every time ive tried to engage in or ask for sex. ive been flirty, touching up on him and stuff, and he just isn’t receptive.

he was saying yesterday how he didn’t want to go to bed because he was tired, and then like three minutes later i asked if he wanted to do something and he said “but im so tired…” and then realized he would be caught lying, so he said “haha, i’m just kidding.”

i dunno. like i said, i don’t wanna do it unless he wants to.

but i feel so ugly. and gross. and i feel like he’s rejecting me because he doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore.

Just two weeks ago, I found out how bad my husband addiction was by going through his phone. After months of little to no intimacy, I’d say we’re slowly getting there 😅 but it’s hard not to think about what I saw. A couple days ago I was on top and he had his eyes closed the entire time… I asked him about it and his explanation was basically “idk.” Today, we went to a mall to look for some new summer/spring clothes for me. As we’re driving there was a woman walking on the sidewalk & he says he likes her dress and maybe I should buy something like that (it was a really cute dress honestly). Before finding out about his addiction, this would’ve been a normal conversation but I have been so angry/hurt for the rest of the day. Our ride home and rest of the day has been spent in silence. I couldn’t even focus on clothes shopping because I just feel so ugly and insecure. I’ve never had high self esteem in the first place, I thought being with my husband was the one place I could truly be comfortable with what I look like instead of always analyzing what my body looks like at any given moment. The women he watched looked nothing like me. He’s told me he likes big butts… I have no butt. He’s not a fan of boobs… all I have to offer is big boobs 🥲 I feel so gross and not looking forward to finding clothes for summer.

Anyways.. any recommendations on where to get cute clothes for spring? Bonus if it’s plus sized ☺️🌸

I have not seen this show at all. I know my husband has seen all of it in past years. I just found out that while I was putting the baby down, he was watching an episode that appears to have a sex scene between an uncle and niece??? The niece looks EXTREMELY young??

I cannot bring myself to watch the episode, I’m no prude but I’m way too traumatized. Is it as bad as I’m worried? Is it basically porn? Why is an actress who looks like a minor nude in an extremely popular show? Am I misunderstanding this?

Remember he’s seen the whole show. He went back today and watched this ONE episode, he swears it’s coincidence and not interesting or hot at all. Please help me out so I can understand without watching how bad it is or not.

My husband has been in recovery for 2 years and he have decided to stay. My problem is, I get too triggered to go in public with him so we just stay home unless it is for travel or doc appointments. It feels like Covid all over again, but I just won’t put myself in a position where he is around other women (he works from home and kids are grown). Even if I see that he does well when we travel, I just can’t put myself in that position unless I have to.

So I got my husband a smart watch for anniversary and he loves it. He wears it everyday and everywhere. He even sleeps with that thing on because it tracks his sleep and he loves that. I have one as well and it made me think of an idea. If you are concerned your PA is using while you sleep or masterbating while you are gone, a smart watch is the ultimate cheat code! It tracks sleep (shows when you are awake) and heart rate (the hubby and I were doing it and our watched picked up an increased heart rate).

I didn't get him the watch to track him and I haven't felt the need to check after him in a long time. The thought just hit me and I wanted to share it here. I know when my husband and I were in the beginning stages of recovery, I wanted any peace of mind that he was staying sober. At that time words weren't cutting it, I needed proof. All I had to work with was his actions and his online history. If I had a way to check his physical activity, that would have been a God sent.

Again, take this idea or leave it. I know it seems crazy, but if you are looking for proof, this is a way to get it. Get them a smart watch!

My partner of 8 years was clean for 5 years of our relationship and relapsed ~6 months ago. I found out about the relapse ~3 months ago (it was a 3mo long relapse). We had a wedding planned but I cancelled it 1-2 months ago.

He’s been doing great as far as recovery goes. He’s going to therapy, we do couples therapy, he attends SAA and Coda. I do see a change in him, he seems happier. He’s been honest about urges, he hasn’t been gaslighting me or minimizing anything. He’s been reaching out for support in his meetings or to friends that are understanding of his situation.

But I still feel so invisible in all of this. The couples therapy is challenging because he’s so consumed by guilt and fear as I describe my feelings during our sessions. He’s not running away from it, but he doesn’t know what to say or how to respond. He doesn’t practice what we’re working on outside of couples therapy. He thinks things are going great between us when I’m feeling like I’m on the verge of leaving. I make my feelings clear but then it’s like he forgets about it 2 days later. His time spent reflecting and whatever is mostly spent on understanding himself which makes sense but there’s just not much of his focus on the relationship at all.

I don’t know if this is just early recovery, I remember feeling this way the first time around, but I’m exhausted with feeling invisible.

I feel so wrong for it. I usually have urges to check then I remind myself to not for both his sake & mine. it's his safe space to share & write. and I violated that..

I havnt told him yet.. Im honestly not planning to.. should I tell him?

I didn't read all of it, I just scanned through it but honestly I regret it..

he spoke about liking really full on eyelashes, and reflected on it in his journal.

he also spoke about an ' orange woman' (very self tanned..) that he found attractive on the train & moved to the other side of the train to avoid her.

can I please have a bit of a reminder right now that it is WRONG for myself to check it & all it does it create insecurity within myself.

how do I fight these urges to check his journal?....

I’ve got a couple questions

Does anyone have any filter blockers for movies and tv shows? Like things that blur out sexual or nude content. I’m sure it would still be triggering but I’m just curious, I’ve seen that people will post episodes with time stamps so you can skip, but I’m looking for more like something you can install and watch through? Idk. I doubt it exists but if it does please point me?

My partner used to masturbate to my body. In person. I know to some this probably sounds weird and it was way way before d-day, we were very young like 19? But sometimes he’d wanna get down, I wouldn’t be so in the mood, and he’d ask if he could jerk off and touch my butt or kiss me or whatever. I didn’t mind, in fact I quite liked it, and since there were no pixels at all I don’t really see the harm, but maybe I’m missing something? Albeit maybe a little weird, would it be a problem given context of a porn addiction? It’s not like it’s a kink that carried on or anything, it was just an occasional thing. Would it be weird NOW, as actual adults aware of a PA?

I think that’s all I have for now but I might post more as I think of them lol

Does anyone else’s PA get emails saying that their cloud storage is full or their cloud plan is about to expire? Some of these emails list a specific number of files; mine mentioned 3,104 files. Could this be legitimate, or are these just phishing emails? I’m worried that if it's real, it means he never truly deleted anything and has just been uploading it to online storage.

Hello! So my husband has claimed that he has stopped porn 100%. While he was an addict (and I wasn't aware) he wanted sex all the time. I now know why, its because he was amped up from what he had watched for hours on end. Now that he says that he has stopped he has no sex drive anymore. It's so upsetting because I feel like all the attraction he had towards me for 20 years was fake and only happened because of photos of other women that aroused him.

Now that he doesnt have it, we have sex like 1-2 times per month versus several times per week loke before. I feel like these issues never end. On top of it the last 2 times he pursued sex he had "accidentally" clicked on a women's clothing site with scantily clad women and the other time he had received a spam email with sexual comments (from an old site he used to visit). I don't know what to think. I thought the opposite would happen. Its like these issues never go away and the lasting effects will be there forever. Anyone have the same issues ?

It’s coming up on a year since I found out he had been paying for live video chats trying to see girls naked online. Most days I feel ok with moving past it but some days I just can’t shake it and get disgusted. He says he has not done anything like it again since. I worry if there is more to the story and if he ever did anything in person. He opened up a lot about any questions I’ve had and even admitted just because he was hurt didn’t give a good excuse to do that and hurt someone else. I’ve snooped on the phone here and there and haven’t found anything since but for all I know he just got better at hiding it. How do you learn to trust again? Would things be better if I just left and started over? We have two kids and I rely partially on him financially. I feel if finances weren’t a worry I wouldn’t question things so much. He is great with kids and household chores really does help out but I am not sure how to forgive and forget. Does anyone have any advice of how to move on from this to keep my family together or is it a lost cause

Dday was over 2 years ago. We sleep in separate beds now since then. I am rarely ever intimate with him bc I am mostly disgusted with him after uncovering his addiction to voilent porn. Yeah, the "rough" kind. Repulses me. Anyway, with this new r*pe academy CNN story going viral, I am extremely triggered. It was his fav porn site...and the same one as the forum those sick husbands were using to SA their unconscious wives. I have been in a sour mood, angry, not speaking to him..just triggered all over again. I kind of hate men, I am not going to lie. I cant leave due to finances and our child. It isnt possible as much as I wish it was. It just isnt. Where do I put this anger???? I am so triggered.

My husband (32) and I (23) have been married for a year. Before we got married, I told him that I couldn't tolerate cheating. However, after three months of marriage, I discovered the pornographic comics he was reading online. I was angry, but after that, we were still together. Seven months later, I caught him again. I was furious and felt his apology meant nothing. Eventually, I was admitted to an asylum due to the immense mental stress from this case, coupled with my mother-in-law's problems. After I was out from asylum, I found out I that was pregnant. Two months later, all of my husband's corruption regarding his pornography addiction was revealed. To this day, I am still trying to forgive, accept, and continue our marriage. But I feel like it's all in vain. Even though he is completely clean, my wounds are still there. I feel like everything is different.

This is very painful for me. Honestly, I can accept his 'disease,' which is porn addiction. But I can't accept that he betrayed me. He watched other women's bodies, wanted the experience of having sex with them, fantasized about women's bodies that weren't like mine.

So far, I still love my husband. He is the father of my son. I always take care of my husband with all my heart. I always try to give him delicious food, bathe him, pamper him. I love my husband very much, but on the other hand, I also feel very stupid for still loving a man who clearly always chooses other women.

It's been over a year and a half since dday and this is the point we've reached. there has been on and off progress since but he's still in active addiction and using every day despite starting therapy and temporarily downloading covenant onto all of his devices (not in place anymore).

it's like our flat has become a prison for both of us. we're both at very stressful points in our lives (i'm doing a masters degree and he's finishing his undergrad with his dissertation due in like a week, which he's not going to finish). i'm out all the time. unlike him, i have to work to support myself through my studies and i am determined and motivated to do well as i have nothing else to fall back on in life. he has rich parents and a family home he can return to anytime he likes - i guess im resentful of this.

but this basically means im always out of the house doing something and it feels like he's always home doing nothing. every time im out i know he's there doing that and it makes me absolutely sick. my home and bed haven't felt safe for a long time. i think all the pressure and resentment has built up so much for both of us that literally any minor disagreement or negative emotion completely blows everything up.

what's so frustrating about this is that its me that's been lied to countless times over the course of the relationship. it's me that's been betrayed and put second to porn consistently for the past 2 years. me that's had to suffer with insecurity, paranoia and chronic stress the entire time and now it's ME that's on damage control.

it's got to a point that if i even say "hey im a bit concerned that whilst im out today you're going to turn to porn, do you feel like you have any ideas to prevent this from happening or anything to reassure me?" he loses his absolute shit and i have to become a safe space for his emotions. its exhausting. i know i shouldn't be monitoring him and i should be focussing on myself but its so hard to do this when i know that every time i leave to close that door he's going to be enjoying every second im gone to goon to god knows what. he really indulges while im out and spends hours playing porn games and engaging with all sorts of content. he's also made multiple alias discord and reddit accounts to sext other women throughout our relationship.

it makes me sick and i just want to see some accountability and motivation from him. i want consistent reassurance and emotional support in line with the fact he claims he really does want to stop. but i don't see any action to this. it's so heart breaking. due to the fact he's become so suicidal and his mental health so bad i've reassured him that i will not be bringing up anything to do with his addiction at least until he's more on top of his dissertation and studies.

it just feels so unfair. i try so hard to focus on myself - self care, making myself look and feel good, eating well and going to the library to do uni work but it's just so crushing that i know whilst im doing all this he's indulging behind my back. and now he gets the best of both worlds and expects to just have a nice time with me while doing that because im ultimately a doormat that has agreed to just let it slide for now.

today i remembered him telling me a while ago he didn't give a shit about having sex with me. this felt like it came up again the other day when i reassured him that i wouldn't bring up his addiction, but i also didn't feel comfortable having sex while that was the case and his response was: "that really doesn't feel important to me right now". great, but still everyday he's wanking off to porn which is obviously very important to him still.

this is all came to a head after he lied to me AGAIN about not engaging with any sort of porn on wednesday. we had got back from a trip together where he didn't really have much of a chance to relapse. i told him that i was scared of the coming monday when i had to back to my routines that it would happen again and he reassured me consistently over 3 days that he was not going back to it. he even declared it to me himself when i came back home and confidently showed me his screen time to prove it. it all came to a head when i also asked him to see his PC. that's when the trickle truth came out. he had downloaded and played porn games immediately after i left on monday just like i knew he would and had done it everyday since. my reality is fake. it's a terrifying feeling. but i have to be the one to suck it up and not say anything about it because of his mental health.

sorry for the all over the place rant. i feel so lost and drowning and filled with rage. it's so hard to focus on my work that i have SO much of when im already sacrificing so much of my wellbeing for his.