PA loses his temper, throws tantrum or becomes suicidal whenever my feelings are hurt
It's been over a year and a half since dday and this is the point we've reached. there has been on and off progress since but he's still in active addiction and using every day despite starting therapy and temporarily downloading covenant onto all of his devices (not in place anymore).
it's like our flat has become a prison for both of us. we're both at very stressful points in our lives (i'm doing a masters degree and he's finishing his undergrad with his dissertation due in like a week, which he's not going to finish). i'm out all the time. unlike him, i have to work to support myself through my studies and i am determined and motivated to do well as i have nothing else to fall back on in life. he has rich parents and a family home he can return to anytime he likes - i guess im resentful of this.
but this basically means im always out of the house doing something and it feels like he's always home doing nothing. every time im out i know he's there doing that and it makes me absolutely sick. my home and bed haven't felt safe for a long time. i think all the pressure and resentment has built up so much for both of us that literally any minor disagreement or negative emotion completely blows everything up.
what's so frustrating about this is that its me that's been lied to countless times over the course of the relationship. it's me that's been betrayed and put second to porn consistently for the past 2 years. me that's had to suffer with insecurity, paranoia and chronic stress the entire time and now it's ME that's on damage control.
it's got to a point that if i even say "hey im a bit concerned that whilst im out today you're going to turn to porn, do you feel like you have any ideas to prevent this from happening or anything to reassure me?" he loses his absolute shit and i have to become a safe space for his emotions. its exhausting. i know i shouldn't be monitoring him and i should be focussing on myself but its so hard to do this when i know that every time i leave to close that door he's going to be enjoying every second im gone to goon to god knows what. he really indulges while im out and spends hours playing porn games and engaging with all sorts of content. he's also made multiple alias discord and reddit accounts to sext other women throughout our relationship.
it makes me sick and i just want to see some accountability and motivation from him. i want consistent reassurance and emotional support in line with the fact he claims he really does want to stop. but i don't see any action to this. it's so heart breaking. due to the fact he's become so suicidal and his mental health so bad i've reassured him that i will not be bringing up anything to do with his addiction at least until he's more on top of his dissertation and studies.
it just feels so unfair. i try so hard to focus on myself - self care, making myself look and feel good, eating well and going to the library to do uni work but it's just so crushing that i know whilst im doing all this he's indulging behind my back. and now he gets the best of both worlds and expects to just have a nice time with me while doing that because im ultimately a doormat that has agreed to just let it slide for now.
today i remembered him telling me a while ago he didn't give a shit about having sex with me. this felt like it came up again the other day when i reassured him that i wouldn't bring up his addiction, but i also didn't feel comfortable having sex while that was the case and his response was: "that really doesn't feel important to me right now". great, but still everyday he's wanking off to porn which is obviously very important to him still.
this is all came to a head after he lied to me AGAIN about not engaging with any sort of porn on wednesday. we had got back from a trip together where he didn't really have much of a chance to relapse. i told him that i was scared of the coming monday when i had to back to my routines that it would happen again and he reassured me consistently over 3 days that he was not going back to it. he even declared it to me himself when i came back home and confidently showed me his screen time to prove it. it all came to a head when i also asked him to see his PC. that's when the trickle truth came out. he had downloaded and played porn games immediately after i left on monday just like i knew he would and had done it everyday since. my reality is fake. it's a terrifying feeling. but i have to be the one to suck it up and not say anything about it because of his mental health.
sorry for the all over the place rant. i feel so lost and drowning and filled with rage. it's so hard to focus on my work that i have SO much of when im already sacrificing so much of my wellbeing for his.