u/Inevitable-Ability-5

Last night my PA husband got drunk and started texting me aggressive texts about how I’m “weaponizing his actions.” I told him I wanted space after how he’s been treating me. He’s been misrepresenting me to everyone in order to play the victim and paint me as this cold, horrible woman despite me protecting my energy, focusing on my goals and rebuilding my confidence. He won’t ever tell them that part… just that I’m “standoffish” and “difficult” cause I won’t enable him.

He started asking if he should show up at my job and accused me of cheating cause I removed myself from the situation and went down the road to a quiet, cozy restaurant with my laptop to focus on my degree.

He waited up for me and so I changed after dropping my laptop off and went for a mile run in order to not engage in his behavior.

When he went to bed, he left his phone out and I noticed he deleted everything. All his texts, calls and voicemails. This was a major non-negotiable.

In one of the deleted voicemails from yesterday, his sponsor said “I’m sorry to hear you had multiple slips this week.” Meanwhile he was telling me he’s sober. He claims his “slips” were with photos of me. But digital is digital is digital and if that was the case, why did he delete all the evidence?

He spoke to his mom about me as well and she said that it’s wrong for me to blame him for anything he did to me and that I just am finding an excuse to accuse someone of ways that I make myself feel? And he agreed. Just like his dad, they all enable him.

After seeing that, I told him this morning that he needs to find a place to stay this weekend. He LOST it. He tried standing his ground and said he’s staying at the apartment. I told him absolutely not. He has options. He can go stay with mother dearest or his dad. He said if he goes to his dad’s, he can’t come back. And I said well that’s the decision he made for himself.

I’ve been doing so much to better myself through all of this. Working on my degree, going to physical therapy, practicing self care and pouring my energy back into myself. I deserve peace and if he won’t even respect my wish for personal space? If he wants to misrepresent me when I’m already stretched thin and making so many positive changes while he feeds his addiction, deflects and shifts blame while playing the victim, he can go do that elsewhere.

Tldr at bottom… I recently started seeing a new “trauma-informed” therapist twice per week for issues related to my PA/SA husband, his addiction, and how it completely dismantled my life. She offered EMDR, IFS, and CBT, and it felt like a good fit especially since she also acknowledged my medical trauma and the stress from endocrine issues after being dismissed and abandoned by multiple doctors while facing a life-threatening condition.

I was formally diagnosed with CPTSD from ongoing betrayal, emotional abuse, and trauma within my marriage. The medical neglect only compounded it. I had to advocate for myself to survive, while my husband was never involved in my care. He had affairs, refused to pick me up from major surgeries, and only showed up when things were convenient or “fun” for him.

Therapy is crucial for my healing, and I was genuinely hopeful. I had been seeing her twice a week for over a month after leaving my previous therapist, who made me uncomfortable by showing up at my gym and offering me gifts.

She knew abandonment is one of my biggest triggers. In fact, we discussed that at the very end of our last session which made this feel even more hurtful. I opened up about everything my marriage, the betrayal, how it derailed my life, and how I’m finally starting to rebuild, invest in myself, and face vulnerability in ways I never could before.

Then yesterday, halfway through our session, she shrugged her shoulders, scrunched her nose and said, “ehhhhh I don’t think this is a good fit. I didn’t realize you were such an extreme case, and you have too much trauma for me to help with.”

It completely blindsided me. All the progress I’d been fighting for came crashing down. I broke down and told her she could’ve at least respected my time instead of dropping that on me mid-session. I felt like my past just steam rolled me all over again. She gave no referral, nothing. Now I’m honestly scared to try again.

To make it worse, my husband keeps ignoring my request for space and started questioning me about therapy and everything else I’m dealing with. He approached me within an hour of my appointment where she abandoned me. When I told him what happened, his response was, “Well, my therapy session went great.”

I just shut down, said “OF COURSE your therapy session went well… I’m happy for you,” and cried my eyes out. He said “see? This is why I find you so difficult to be around.” This is someone who relapsed again just two weeks ago and says urges and relapse are normal and expected and that those who recover for real are considered “unicorns” cause it’s so rare… way to give me any type of hope, right? He stopped lifting a finger around the house (even more so than before which was bad enough) and uses me needing space as an excuse to not even touch a dish in the sink or help with anything while I stretch myself thinner and thinner by the day to keep some order, focus on my goals, work, pursue my degree full time and manage my health between physical therapy and doctors appointments. I’m seriously better off being alone cause he won’t lift a finger after work unless weaponized incompetence is involved.

It’s infuriating that the person who caused so much damage gets to move forward, coast along cause he’s “prioritizing his recovery” and “heal,” while I’m left carrying the weight of it all and being told I’m “too much,” “too difficult,” or “standoffish” for reacting to what he put me through for nearly a decade.

It just doesn’t feel fair. I want to just run away and never look back. I started selling my things online just so I can downsize and escape sooner than later. I feel so alone and like I’m damaged goods after this last therapist…

I want to edit to add that I’m still pursuing my degree, against my best judgement I did seek out another therapist, and I am continuing on my path even if it has become so much more painful from my Pa husbands behaviors and my last therapist. I WILL make it… I’m angry, I’m resentful and I’m bitter right now as this only happened less than 24 hours ago. But I will do this and I’m hoping that by next year, I’ll be on a beach somewhere smiling without any of these people even being a thought in my head. I found an amazing Pilates class full of supportive, friendly women as well that I’m going to lean into. I also found a women’s only yoga retreat just on state away that I emailed this afternoon. So as much as it sucks right now, I hope it gets better.. heck, it WILL get better… I truly hope it does for all of us. You are worth it. I’m worth it. We’re all worth so much more than to feel so lost, confused, sad and like our self esteem is crushed.

TLDR: I finally found a trauma-informed therapist and started opening up about severe CPTSD from my marriage and medical trauma, only for her to abruptly drop me mid-session, saying I was “too extreme” with no referral. It completely retraumatized me and now I’m scared to try again. To make it worse, my husband who caused the vast majority of it responded with “my therapy went great,” which just deepened the hurt and frustration. He then bombarded me with questions about the session and everything else I’m dealing with despite me begging for space. He refuses to respect that boundary and then said “see? This is why I find you so difficult to be around.” As if I should just be all smiley after all that’s happened… it seriously feels so unfair…