r/family

I am a 34F with a 35M husband of 13 years, two precious girls whom i homeschool after I sold an extremely successful business i built myself. Husband and I now jointly own multiple businesses together, one of which I bought out half ownership from his last business partners. I will label them Business A, B, C and D.

Business A my husband started roght after we got married and its kind of the axis that started all the others. I can't get into specifics cause it's a niche industry. About 6 or 7 years ago my mother (60F) asked my husband if they could start Business B. Which would piggyback off A, but result in way more income for everyone. My husband asked my opinion and while I agreed the money and the business were great ideas, I warned him getting into business with my mother was not a good idea. My mother is a control freak, corporate to the max and quite frankly mean, which in this industry is not a good idea cause it is still very much run on the handshake good Ole boy system and she wasn't a good fit for the long hours, the type of customer service and vendor relationships it requires. My husband is perfect for it and has done well within it already. I even can work within but something I have to leave up to him cause alot of these men think women need to be pleasant. They don't mind them in charge but they definitely write women off if they don't play ball thier way.

Much against my warnings they went into business. While I can't say it hasn't been successful (it has, as much as my mother has tried to ruin it many times and my husband had to swoop in and save it), it has been a nightmare and after all ​this time my mother still believes she built the whole thing, not realizing it all would come crashing down without my husband.

About 4 years ago they decided to open Business C, with my dad and husband as partners. Yet again cornering another peice of this industry. I again, warned my husband that my mother would end up running it as my dad was not a good fit. Shocker, he wasn't. He was terrible. My mother ended up not only running it, but almost ruining it too.

3 years ago, they all 3 bought land together and leased it to a seperate entity.

Okay, theres the build up. So, lets take a small step back from the business standpoint and talk about why i have cut off contact with my own parents.

to say i grew up in a verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically ab**** household is putting it lightly. And the kicker, it was only toward me. I have a younger sister (32F) who never recieved the ab*** i did. Not saying she was perfect, she got in her little normal growing up troubles but not once ​​was she ever sl****d, not once was she thrown down stairs, never once was she told her own mother wished she didn't exist. My mother was the main aggressor, with my father just watching.

It would be a novel to list it all, but I got through it. I came out with my own problems I brought into my marriage but my husband and I fought hard together with therapy, communication and love to get me to a place where not only could I trust him, but I would never treat my kids that way.

I mentioned I owned a business years ago. I loved it, but I was ready for the next thing with my kids so I sold it. But during the many years I owned it I received nothing but unsolicited, nasty, demeaning and unwarranted "advice" from both my parents. I couldn't even tell them how my day was without one or the other, mostly my dad, launching into me telling me I was failing and I was going to loose everything cause I was a lousy business owner and worse employer. It even came to a head for a while where it didn't speak to him.

This whole time, my whole life, my parents are funding my sister. I was told my whole life as soon as I was done with undergrad I was own my own, married or not, they weren't giving me another cent. I was fine with that and did what I needed to do. And I haven't taken a single damn dime from them since the day I turned 22 and I got married 2 weeks before that. They threw me a cheap wedding at a venue I hated, with a guest list that wasn't mine, in a town I didn't even live in anymore and neither did my spouse cause it was cheaper for them. I said whatever, and left.

Since that day, they funded my sisters masters program, paid for her living, gave her the wedding of her dreams, helped her move states, paid some of her bills, paid for some of her travel back and forth, paid for appliances in her new house when they ALL decided to move near me and then paid for her attorney when she had to leave her shifty alcoholic husband. On top of that they've paid back her student loan and paid off credit cards.

I mentioned many times how unfair this was. While I didn't need or want thier money, it was extremely wrong of them. My mother didn't care and has continued to say things like my sister is her favorite, and even told a friend of mine she was more her daughter than I was.

Through all of this I held in there. So I could have parents at Christmas, so my kids could have grandparents, so my husband work life would be easier. But I finally had it. First of this year I bought out thier half of Business C. Less than 2 months later they call and tell ​they are going to out everything they own in a Trust. I asked why, they didn't have enough or really anything of immense value enough to do that and they just said it's what my mother's parents did, and they wanted to do it. I asked how they were going to set it up. They said my sister and I were the trustees of thier main assets but that the land they bought with my husband would go to my girls. I told them no. I didn't want that. They could have my girls inherit the main assets for all I care, but I would like the land to go to me. My husband and I have way later down the road future plans and if something happens with the market or we decide to do something different in our old age, we need to be able to make a quick decision with the land without the hindrance of my children being involved.

I told them both, in no uncertain terms that I didn't care about money, I didn't want a legal problem with my own children later. (We already deal with enough from his family but that's a whole nother can of fu**** up worms). That I've never asked them for one thing ever, that this would mean alot to me and it would hurt my feelings if they left it to my kids.

Surprise! They did it anyway. I told them both I hoped they were happy with thier choices but i was done, I was out. My husband tried to reason with me but they said, "we already gave her a business, shes gotten enough." ​​​​

Excuse me?! I BOUGHT that business. No one GAVE me anything. And I HAD to buy it because my father (remember, the one who always told me I was a bad business owner and he could do it better) couldn't hack it and was failing miserably.

It's been 4 months, my mother is still trying to butt her way into Business C and act likes he owns it. I haven't spoken to either in almost 4 months. My sister is trying to stay out of it because she loves me but she knows she will get drug in as a reason for my anger and hurt.

For clarification: I do not hate my sister. I don't always agree with her choices, but I love her and her children. I don't begrudge her directly for all the unfairness I have been shown.

My husband has been begging me to try. I've told him multiple times, if they out the land as going to me when they pass, I will let them see my children but I will probably be forever out of thier life. I don't want this hard on him, but actually putting him in this position has made him see even more how much of a bully my mother was to me all those years. He was never blind to it, but its wearing on him.

So, am I the A-Hole? ​

I, 19F, have been with my boyfriend, 21M for over a year and a half. We have been doing long distance since August because I moved away for college. My boyfriend is the sweetest person ever and he loves me more than anything, he has been there for me at my lowest and supports me in everything. My parents have always found something wrong with him since the beginning, first they didn’t like that he did not want to go to college (not something that bothered me bc college is a big financial decision and he still wants to do something with his life, he is one of the most hardworking people I know) though now he is considering going to college. Parents did not want him to become a distraction going into college (which they blatantly told him) and he truly was not. He always tells me the number one priority for me should be my studies and when we talk on the phone or facetime he always makes sure I have finished homework and studying. I returned from college two weeks ago and my birthday was last week, they are now upset that he did not come to visit me or bring me a gift, when in reality he asked me if he could come over to celebrate with us, but they are so strict to the point I feel uncomfortable when he’s here because of them so I told him no. He is not allowed in my room and we are only allowed to sit in the living room with supervision, i’m not allowed to go to his house without my brother accompanying me and we can only go out for 2-3 hours max. They always make it awkward and uncomfortable for me, and I always feel bad for him in these situations. He is so willing to comply with all their rules because he truly loves me and wants my parents to accept our relationship and support us, but recently they told me that I have to break up with him, or they’ll do it for me. They threatened that if I don’t break up with him I cannot continue with my studies, and that he will never fit into our family (they believe him and his family are lower class and uneducated because of their culture and background). They break my heart telling me all of this saying they know what’s best for me and that i’ll thank them one day, but I do not want to breakup with him, I don’t know what to do. I’m still dependent on them financially. I love my parents but I love my boyfriend and they don’t understand. Advice please?

I honestly don’t know if I’m being too sensitive or if this would hurt other people too.

When I had my baby shower a lot of my family didn’t show up and barely cared. It was honestly really painful and embarrassing at the time.

Now my brother is having a baby and my mom is spending a lot on his shower, his wife’s sisters and mom is helping, and everyone is excited and involved. Meanwhile some of the same family members who never even came to mine are showing up for theirs.

I am happy for them and love them so much. I think the hardest part is feeling like people celebrate everyone else but when it comes to me, I’m just forgotten.

Has anyone else dealt with this feeling?

I had an exam today and there was a bus strike in my area, so yesterday I asked my mom to tell my younger brother to drop me to college. He immediately said he would charge me ₹100 even though the scooty belongs to my mom and she pays for the petrol.

In the morning I woke him up and he wasted time arguing that it wasn’t even 7 yet. Then my mom started saying buses would still run in the morning during strikes. I explained that once before during a strike, the bus left me far away and I literally had to walk 11.5 km home alone. I was scared the same thing would happen again, especially on an exam day.

Instead of understanding, both of them kept arguing with me about buses and my brother kept saying he would just leave me at the bus stop if he saw a bus. I got frustrated and stormed out saying he happily does “slavery” for his friends because he picks them up and drops them every day without complaining, but acts like helping his own sister is a burden.

What hurts more is that he constantly mocks and teases me whenever I go with him on the scooty. When I complain, my mom just says “ignore him.” Today I finally started recording him because I was tired of nobody taking it seriously. Then my mom got angry at ME for recording instead of understanding why I was upset.

I somehow still went for the exam, but the whole thing made me feel so unwanted in my own house. On the way I genuinely felt like after marriage I’d never want to come back home again.

Am I overreacting for being this hurt?

Hi all,

I just want to get some advice regarding my situation. For some background im a 26 (M), and I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents as they age recently.

I’ve never had a solid relationship with my parents growing up and even now mainly due to the fact that my father was always working and I dealt with a lot of abuse/neglect growing up from my mother.

I never had my parents at any events growing up whether it be school, graduation etc. and it always made me feel like there was just something wrong with me. I saw how they’d treat my older sister and the contrast was stark.

As my parents age and I’ve come to age I’ve accepted that I just can’t change the past, my father was always working all the time and still sort of is, most of our interactions boils down to saying goodmorning or happy birthday. I’ve noticed they’ve slowly been trying to mend our relationship by asking surface level question, but honestly it just irritates me whenever they try to speak to me or show any sort of affection.

I feel terrible about this and I do want our relationship to get better now that they’re 68 (dad) & 52 (mother), and I feel so guilty about not trying to do this sooner. I don’t relate to them in any regard, but I don’t want them to die thinking I hate them.

How did any of you manage a similar situation?

how can i deal with my bf helping his younger sister out so much. he helps her financially and even small things like subscriptions or subletting problems he’ll step in and even contact people for her etc. i feel like these are all things we gotta do ourselves and maybe our older sibling can guide us but not take over…am i wrong? sometimes his mom will call him to ask and make sure he helps his sister with internship applying and apartment finding and everything and she’s 22 and he’s 24 so there’s not a huge gap in experience. i’m the younger sibling and don’t really need my sister to help in these things so when i see their dynamic im just very confused if it’s necessary? jealous or not idc im just tryna figure out what i can do or if anyone else has dealt with this

So I just came from vacation, back home after 6 months and arguably I have gained weight because of well I didn't follow my proper diet and what not, thats all ok so when I came from the airport my mother said why did you gain so much weight and with your marriage approaching your finance is lean, how will your pair look good, then she proceeded to give me a lecture in our home when we were alone that I should have maintained my weight, mind you I just arrived today, ie yesterday and my mother has not talked with me since and asked me to not be lazy and walk, what made me hurt is that maybe my whole worth was attached to me being lean.

i’m sorry if my wording in the title is weird. also i have ocd/anxiety so i hope this isn’t just me overthinking idk

i (22f) am graduating college on thursday. my parents plan to have a joint grad party for me and my two brothers sometime in june and my mom is telling me to invite my friends but the thing is that people in my family are racist and get drunk use racial slurs (were white), and the people in my family cannot control their drinking. some of them can become aggressive and borderline scary, and i have one aunt that gets drunk and angry every holiday. my dad specifically has an inability to not bring up anything political (he was sending me shit on my birthday after i’ve communicated to him tht i don’t want him to send me any of it), so that’s another thing. i’m financially dependent on them too, so please no suggestions to cut them off.

my friends are majority POC and/or queer. i want my friends there but i don’t want them in an environment that’s going to be potentially dangerous for them, and i don’t know how to explain it to my family if i don’t invite my friends. i don’t even want this grad party if im being honest.

sorry if some of this didn’t make sense, i can clarify things if needed.

I usually get annoyed whenever my Mom messages me. It can be as simple as asking me how I’m doing of what I am doing but I get super frustrated whenever I need to reply to her. I thought maybe I’ve gotten so used to being away (since I’m away for college) from her. I always find my mood being so sour whenever I see her message pops a notification on my phone. Sometimes I think I’m being irrational but I don’t know… Her presence just annoys the hell out of me but then I cannot not be there for her cos we only got the two of us. My sister died and my mom & dad are annulled. Most of the time I despise going home just because I know I’ll get annoyed with her after a few days.

Can someone help me understand why I feel this way? Is it because I’ve held so many grudges over the years? I think I need some therapy LOL!

My younger sis is 16 and she is more expressive and more affectionate one and I am opp one I don’t express much and nor do I feel comfortable doing that to my family and I don’t like to be touched and all. I feel like they always like my sister more and they prolly do love me but just because I am their daughter or else idts them woukd love me but I feel they don’t like me. I feel really sad about it and idk shoujd I just be fat so they don’t get bothered

Earlier today, my mom asked me on the phone ”did u think about me, did u think about mommy” knowing that ive been staying about at the place for youth difficulty, knowing shes toxic for me?!

Hi community. I have a very long question for the group. My son and daughter-in-law and my 2 year old grandson live in an area where they do not have any friends with children. Their interaction is only with us for the most part when they visit every few weeks. They also call on FT throughout the day. They are not social people by nature and are also incredibly lazy. When not at work they sit and watch TV ALL DAY LONG. MyDIL is a SAHM and retired school teacher. My son works 3rd shift and sleeps with the baby during naps around 1 or 2 until he goes in later. My grandson is very smart (of course bc I’m the grandma) and very inquisitive. He plays by himself incredibly well but like any toddler he gets bored and then starts acting out in typical toddler form. They usually deal with this by either getting something to eat, getting him another toy, turning on the TV in the another room, or just ignoring or yelling at him, which makes him very sad. When he stays with my husband and myself we never even find a need to turn the TV on and engage him by playing and just doing the things we did with our own kids - alternating solo play, letting him help us with chores, or gardening, maybe a planned outing which we talk about all day or the day before. But mostly just low key, free “activities” such as grocery store followed by the park or the library, maybe the mall, Sunday school etc. He is a joy and there just isn’t the sadness that I see on FaceTime when they call (4-5x per day) usually with glum faces bc they (the parents) are “so bored” or either he’s crying in the background.
So I suggested that perhaps he needs to go to Nursery School a couple of days a week to give him some structure and the chance to play with other children. Immediately met with the same “speech” I’ve heard in the past about “no I’m a teacher. I can do that and we will go to the park to see other kids. We aren’t sending him to school I’ve told you this. We are smarter and qualified to teach him”. I didn’t resist bc I know how bad that’s been in the past so I just try to ignore it knowing it’s not my decision and we’ve all agreed to boundaries. But I did say “it just could be really beneficial for him to play maybe 3-4 hours 2 days a week with other children so he can learn how to interact and also know that there is structure and social norms in the world, hell even animal mamas do this “. I was met with a nope not happening type reply.
I’m very sad because I just know this is not the right decision and that it’s also not a good idea as a parent to dig your heels in on any principle. Plus I do know that while home schooling is a controversial topic (I partially homeschooled 3 of 4 kids when they were middle /high for a few classes) I do not think the issue is homeschool. I consider it isolating behaviors and no sense of responsibility as there are so many things to be done around their house.

They buy/sell on the internet so there’s masses of piles of stuff throughout their house with no organization. They buy some new toy every single day and there’s just so many toys he at times can’t find his special ones, and there are no special ones when you get something new every day. They never cook and only order out. Feed the baby chips and cookies-processed foods. There’s no meal times and no structure to any day at all. It’s not a nasty hoarding situation completely but it’s very close. They also rely on us for the majority of their finances which is a whole convoluted other issue involving my husband who “feels bad for the baby” so let’s them get away with this.

My question is what is the best way to support the baby without supporting this very bad decision ? I currently just try to ignore it but ut gets harder as he gets older and I see what a curious great kid that he is. I just don’t want him to grow up a little monster bc there’s no structure and he’s just given a toy or food or yelled at when he cries or is bored. I see how happy is with my husband and I around and want him to be that way in his own home. It’s unfathomable to be that two adults can seriously sit all day long in one place doing absolutely nothing. But then again they’ve done thus many years. They used to live in the north in a teeny apartment and would do the same thing after work but they did get out sometimes. Now they live near Atlanta. Weather is gorgeous. Lots of things they could do. But nope-
TV. Phone. Xbox. Kindle. That’s it. That’s their life.
Our grandson is learning dishes can keep, bathrooms are dirty, dust is normal, clothes and toys stay on the floor. And my world is watching my mom and dad and putting around my big house and the. We all go sleep in the same bed and get up and do it again. What a sad life.

We have 3 adult kids who have always been super close. About two years ago, the youngest made a decision for her life that the other two didn’t agree with. She has since reversed course, but her siblings still won’t talk to her. It is affecting our entire family. The older two won’t come to family functions that they know she’ll be at. The older siblings also have children, so this is a bigger thing. How do we as parents handle this, we can’t have all separate holidays and gatherings for the rest of time. I understand that not everyone will get along all of the time, but the separation in our family is killing us!

This is a long story. I apologize in advance for the length.

We adopted our daughter from foster care when she was 2. She was taken at birth due to her birth mother's drug use while she was pregnant. Her birth father was dealing with mental illness and drug use and was in and out of jail and neither birth family stepped up to adopt her.

She always struggled. She did not attach well to us, even though we tried everything we could think of/the professionals suggested. She was diagnosed ADHD at 4 and began therapy at 6. At 7 she started taking meds for anxiety and ADHD. When she was young, she was like waching a freight train climbing a mountain. You could feel the pressure and frustration building and then she exploded. Once the explosion had passed, she was fine for several weeks/months until it happened again.

As she got older, the explosions became more frequent and more intense, but COVID absolutely broke her. She would become so frustrated with virtual school that the explosions began happening multiple times a day and even after we returned to school. they never settled down again.

Around this time, she was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, ODD and Reactive Attachment Disorder and began a series of unsuccessful medical interventions. Her body did not respond to medication the way that one would expect due to the drugs that had been in her system while she was inutero. She was hospitalized about 15 times in 3 years due to various unsafe behaviors.

During this time (high school) she also became very physically and abusive to me (mom) and verbally abusive to the others living in our home. She was still involved in counseling and other therapies, usually 3-4 times a week. The therapists were of little help, as she was not interested in participating. She was also struggling in school, dealing with multiple suspensions, an expulsion and alternative school. The police were at my house so frequently that we got to be on a first name basis with the officers. She told us many times that once she turned 18 we would be dead to her, she was moving out and we would never see or speak to her again.

About 2 months before she turned 18, we made arrangements with her therapist to allow her to move to her boyfriend's mothers home. We were initally very against this idea, as the boyfriend had recently been put in jail for multiple felony charges, but the abuse towards me at home was so intense, that we figured it would be the safest choice. The therapist continued to work with her while she was living in that house.

That lasted for about a month before she was kicked out. She came back home, as she was not 18 yet and continued her abuse, but at some point, she crossed her dad and he pressed charges against her for assault.

On her 18th birthday, she told us that she would be going to stay with a friend in a week or so, so we found her a local hotel, paid for 10 days, bought her groceries, gave her $1000 and helped her move. Most of her things went into a storage unit that we continue to pay for 10 months later.

The friend thing did not work out and she ended up getting some hotel vouchers and stayed at a local shelter, until she was trespassed from there by the police. The boyfriend's mother took her back in. The second time lasted around 6 weeks before she got kicked out again. During this time, we got her a car, as public transporation is abysmal where we are.

She spent a few days in her car until we found her a room in an apartment that we agreed to pay for 6 months as winter was closing in. She was there only 3 weeks before the roommate began having trouble. Within 3 months, she was kicked out again. Around this same time she crashed the car, refused to park it until it got fixed and drove it until the transmission blew up.

After getting kicked out this time she couch surfed for a few weeks until she was able to look for another room to rent. This time, she pays the majority of the rent and we help her a litle bit. She has been arrested now multiple times for theft/shoplifiting and is currently on probation for the next year.

She finally (as of 2 months ago) got a job, but claims that she has not been paid for the past several weeks. She only calls/texts when she needs money/food/an uber and is still so very verbally abusive.

She met her birth family a few months ago, but seems to be on the outs with them already. Her dad and sister (here at home) want nothing to do with her because of all the abuse, which leaves just me to help her.

I am struggling hard with this one. Thoughts?

TLDR: Adopted daughter with multiple mental illnesses is extremely abusive to adoptive mom, but has none one else to help her. Mom wants to step back to protect herself, but feels really guilty about leaving her all alone.

I am an identical twin brother. We were as thick as thieves until we reached 18 and went our own ways for college. I did Ecology for undergraduate and he did Computer Science. I proceeded to do a research MSc for two-years and am now two years into a career as an ecologist in Ireland. He is working for Microsoft in Dublin as a software engineer for two years now, and was a software developer for another company after leaving uni in 2022.

I believe he makes upwards of €70k a year whereas I make €32,500 a year. I know ecology isn't where the money is. It's how my twin acts about money is what bugs me. He is always texting into our family group chat about how expensive things are, even though his salary is more than twice mine. And he is just saving mad whereas I have hardly any savings. He is so tight with money.

My mom and I visited him in Dublin, we paid for a hotel room between the two of us that was a 5 minute walk from his apartment. When we checked in, he turned up with a backpack of clothes and toiletries and stayed in the spare bed in our room for free. We then went down to the bar for dinner and drinks. He got us a round of drinks that was €13. Fast forwards a couple of days when the dinner was over, he split the bull and requested money off mom and I for the drinks, that we just thought he'd let go since he stayed in the room we paid for for free. Back to that weekend I took my mom's car to drive us to a scenic spot for a walk while my mom went shopping. I then filled the car with €60 petrol as I thought it would be the nice thing to do. Not one offer to help with the fuel bill.

Another time I was living in Galway and there was a market on with a ferris wheel. Two tickets were €7. I asked him to pay snd I'd pay him back and he publicly berrated me for asking him to pay the €7 and he's tired of paying for me.

Numerous occasions I gave him lifts home as I was driving from Galway to Kerry and passing through Limerick where he lived at the time. Not one offer for petrol money, and if he bought coffee for me, there'd be a Revolut request. He is constantly money pinching and just saving all his high earnings.

Most recently, his partner is building a house that's almost finished. My twin told me that his partner won't expect him to pay rent, just bills. And he will be fully remote in work. So on his very high salary he will only he paying a small proportion on bills and pocketing the rest of his salary. Whereas I am renting, paying upwards of €800 a month on rent and bills, then food, and another €300 a month on medical expenses and running a car on my €32,500 a year, all while he still acts like he doesnt have money for all the expenses and complaing to me and mom about the cost of things.

It makes me feel so petty and resentful. I have tried to pull him up on it numerous times but it leads to bitter arguments. And there is just a rift developing due to the disparity. To add, my mom is always on his side of the argument defending him. I just get so irritated and annoyed whenever I think about it. Any advice on how to overcome this resentment?

TL:DR my twin brother makes twice as much money as I do, doesn't appreciate how well off he is, and makes me so resentful.

About a year ago I cut contact with my family because over the years I realized just how crummy they’ve been to me. Even my own mother has failed to be there for me the way that I needed her to be. With that though I believe my mom hasn’t been the most attentive to any of her children with the exception of her youngest daughter.

So with that being said my mother’s children are extremely selfish. All they care about are themselves. I have my reasons why I’ve come to this conclusion that would take way too long to explain. It’s a culmination of many things over the years that has made me realize that I am more of an acquaintance to these people than I am a family member.

My siblings see my mother as a burden. They begrudgingly give her support when she needs it financially. For years I was the only one paying my mom’s auto insurance and phone bill. No one offered to help me pay these things and so when I finally put my foot down last year and said I can no longer pay her bill by myself that if everyone wants to pool money together to pay for her insurance that would be fine with me. But they didn’t. They let her insurance default and now my younger sister is paying for her auto insurance.

Getting back on track my mom was the only one that actually did stop by to see why I changed my number. I told her why and that her children don’t care bout anyone but themselves and she argued me that they infact do love and care about me. She didn’t understand why I’d just cut off everyone.

I remained firm and clear in my choice. I also decided to change my number and not update her with the new one because my mom would always stop by my sisters apartment but couldn’t be bothered with simply saying hello despite my front door being literally a few feet away from the stairs she’d take to go up to my sisters apartment. After I started complaining she ‘d park on the opposite side and go up those stairs so I wouldn’t be able to see her.

My mother’s eldest daughter treated me the same way but she would instead walk past our front door (knowing we had a ring camera) just to sort of make fun of the fact that I just wanted a connection with her

So I remained firm and didn’t speak with any of them for months. Fast forward to February of this year my mom had a sudden and massive heart attack. She flat lined twice. Everyone came to the hospital. I found out through my mom‘s youngest daughter because I had given her my number after we had a talk the month prior in January.

So even in the hospital when she was in the ICU everyone’s selfishness started to show. No one wanted to sign off on mom’s medical paperwork giving the hospital permission to treat her while she was there. The youngest daughter literally fled the hospital and was in her car. She was too afraid to face all of this.

So I was forced to take control of everything. Even in that situation her children felt the need to be distant and cold towards me. It’s like these people are a bit off/not all the way there. I had to swallow my own pride for the sake of my mom just to help her and work with these people because now was not the time to let personal matters get in the way of providing support for our mother.

I was the one that stayed the night when she was in the ICU. No one else had the time or care to stay the night. I was concerned about the quality of her care because the patient right next door to her was clearly being neglected and her middle sons (twins) basically said she’d have to stay the night there by her self and that she’d be fine. I didn’t trust the nurses there to take proper care of her and if something happened while she was in the ICU no one would have been there to update anyone

Well now that my mom won’t be able to work anymore they are all angry and saying that she will have to just go back to work and if she doesn‘t she’s as good as homeless.

My mom seemed heart broken about this but I feel like her denial of her children’s selfishness and me stating this to her a year ago is now coming back full circle. Everyone is saying they don’t have any money to provide to help her that she will have to figure it out on her own.

I’m not heartless I do care if my mom has a place to stay and if need be I’d open up my home to her if she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. We have more than enough room here and my husband is okay with her moving here. If she doesn’t want that I’ll support her the best I can financially.

Her youngest daughter has also said she try to support her the best she can but I honestly don’t know if I believe her. She’s dumped her own kids on my mom on the weekends (despite my mom having a major health condition) so she can go out on the weekends.

My mom has 6 children out of those 6 only 2 of them are actually willing to at least try to help her.

I think it’s very sad.

Hey guys — I feel weird making a post about this because the answer seems really obvious, but here goes nothing. Using a burner account because many of those involved are on Reddit.

My fiancé (32M) and I (31F) have had a wonderful, healthy relationship that has blossomed and resulted in him being a full-fledged member of my family, most of whom live nearby to us. We spend holidays and birthdays together regularly, and recently we decided to spend Mother’s Day all together.

I have two sisters. One of which (27F) has a great relationship with fiancé, and she got us all into a groupchat to pull together a Mother’s Day celebration for my mom. I’ll call her Sister 1 due to birth order. Sister 1 said she would handle decorations, I would handle gifts and cards, and fiancé would do all the barbecuing, so we all agreed and got to work.

We asked Sister 2 (24F) to contribute by grabbing some flowers and drinks at the store. The problem is that Sister 2 doesn’t leave her basement room and spends the day & night sleeping. She’s been struggling with serious mental health problems that have resulted in her being depressed for years now, locked in a filthy dark basement room, and barely holding onto her job. When she’s not working, she’s sleeping. We have all tried everything to help get her back on her feet, but she has generally not been receptive to our efforts to help her and gets angry instead. It has been a great source of pain for all of us and we’ve all gotten into arguments about how to best approach the situation as her mental health has gotten worse and worse.

We also strongly suspect she’s addicted to prescription drugs of some kind. We’re unsure exactly of what drugs she’s using (other than weed) but strongly suspect she’s been taking pills due to some instances in the past involving her physically abusive ex, who also abused pills and who she is now talking to again, unfortunately.

Additional context: she did not attend fiancé and I’s engagement party due to it being on Valentine’s Day, and she was struggling around missing the aforementioned ex. She completely missed the meeting of the families, which was an important milestone for us. She apologized afterwards, but that has hung heavy over me, and it’s basically how to things have been with her over the past two years.

Anyway.

Eventually after being badgered by Sister 1, Sister 2 emerged from the basement to go buy flowers and drinks. Fiancé and I tagged along with her to get some stuff at the grocery store for the party.

In the car, she began to complain about how Sister 1 was “such a bitch” for being upset with her for not helping out. I used an admittedly badly timed moment to tell her how frustrating it is to be left without her help for family events, how Sister 1 is justified in being annoyed, how hard it’s been to not hear from her for weeks to months, and how it seems she’s been resistant to taking steps to improving her mental health or accepting any help.

In response, she went off about how she’s too busy “saving the world” at her job (she’s a social worker) and crashes every day at home with no energy to do anything else, and that we would never understand what it was like to be her. I reminded her that we all have jobs and busy schedules, and she snapped back that we weren’t “saving the world” like she was, and that we would never understand her struggle. (Btw… My fiancé works in special ed and Sister 1 is a school counselor.) I got angry and told her she had Main Character Syndrome and that she needed to get over her self-victimization.

Things escalated after I told her she acts like she’s the only one with problems in the family.

Her response to that was, “I never said that!”

And fiancé — now having a hard time staying silent in the back of the car as she was yelling at me — said quietly, “Actually, you did just say that.”

This is when all hell breaks loose. We were at a red light, and she turns around to fiancé, and basically screams at the top of her lungs — like, Bad Girls Club-style cussing and berating at the TOP of her lungs at him — asking who the fuck he thought he was, etc etc. You get the gist. It was humiliating. We felt unsafe in the car and got out at the red light. We ended up going to another grocery store and returning home.

Context: Fiancé has a history of being abused (verbally and physically, including being called the f-slur) by his father and brother who did hard drugs and kind of used him as a punching bag growing up. So he does not do well with violence and aggression. He’s a very gentle soul.

Anyway, Sister 2 didn’t show up to the Mother’s Day party for a while after that. She was parked somewhere random and my mom was worried sick trying to get her to come home. When she did come home eventually, my mother urged her to apologize to fiancé for her behavior. So she walks up to fiancé very begrudgingly, and mutters that “I’m sorry but do not get involved with arguments between me and my sister.” In short, it was not an apology at all, and fiancé, myself, and Sister 1 are like “that wasn’t an apology?”

This enrages Sister 2 further. She absolutely loses it and cusses out fiancé at the top of her lungs all over again, except this time she doubles down by calling him cringey, asking if he was gay, bragging that she had more testosterone than him, and ultimately, saying she “never liked (fiancé) since the beginning”, that “she doesn’t like him,” and that she was “not going to come to the wedding.” For his part, fiancé lost his temper and lashed out verbally at her as well —cursing and insulting included. I could tell she was shocked because IMO I think people are generally too scared to stand up to her, so this might have been a first.

She stormed away. Then, after a bit, she ran back upstairs from her basement room with a vengeance. She lunged at him as if she were planning on physically fighting him. It got to the point where my mom had to hold her back and I could see the fear in Sister 1’s face as she watched the drama unfold. It was genuinely scary. In anger, I called her crazy and that I didn’t know who she was anymore, which I do regret and didn’t help the situation.

It was an absolute shitshow.

Given his trauma of being lunged at and verbally abused by his own family members growing up, fiancé was shaky and pretty mentally fucked up for days after the incident. He has firmly decided that he does NOT want Sister 2 at the wedding because he simply does not feel safe around her anymore.

When this was verbalized to my mother and Sister 1, they were both incredibly offended and upset that Sister 2 would be barred from the wedding. They think it’s a decision I’m going to regret for the rest of my life. Sister 1 even said that “sisterhood loyalty” comes first, and that if Sister 2 was barred from going to the wedding, then she would refuse to attend herself. This broke my heart, as she’s really close to fiancé and myself and I really wanted her to be there.

Now I’m at a point where I just need external guidance on what to do and how to approach this. I feel that growing up in my volatile family has resulted in me normalizing Sister 2’s behavior in my head and while I support fiancé above all, I’m just terrified that this will shatter our family. I don’t know how to react or what to do.

My mother says everyone “made mistakes” that day that we all have to apologize for, instead of pinning all the blame on Sister 2. She believes that fiancé should have accepted Sister 2’s initial “apology” and moved on, and that not allowing Sister 2 to attend my wedding could result in Sister 2 “being pushed the edge” — heavily implying her hurting herself. She is saying it’s a choice I would regret for the rest of my life, and that Sister 2 didn’t independently explode and would not do so at the wedding.

——

**TL;DR:** After a series of family arguments on Mother's Day, my (31F) depressed, volatile sister (24F) deeply insulted and physically lunged at my fiancé (32M) before being restrained. My fiancé and I exchanged insults with her during the escalation. Because my fiancé has childhood abuse trauma and feels unsafe, we banned my sister from our wedding.

My mother and other sister (27F) argue that everyone made mistakes that day, and that there’s no reason why we should keep my offending sister from attending the wedding. My other sister is now threatening to boycott the wedding out of sisterly loyalty to my uninvited sister, and my mom warns the ban could — her words — “push (volatile sister) over the edge.”

AITAH for keeping her uninvited and standing with my fiancé?

I looked twice. Three times. Four times. We made eye contact.

With a shriek of "Die! Die! Die!" I sprayed it until the roach was dripping with bug spray.

It ran anyway.

The commotion woke my mother. She shuffled out to see what was happening.

"A roach! A roach! A roach! Grandma! Get it, get it, get it! P-p-p-please!" I screamed.

The thing — soaked in spray and still thrashing — she said, "Got it with some tissue," and flushed it straight down the toilet.

That night, my 91-year-old mother looked like a hero to me.

I have a daughter. Every single beat of my heart is for her. That is the only lens through which I know how to tell this story.

My nani came from a good family. Her husband, my nanaji, was well-to-do and genuinely devoted to her. Ambassadors, TVs, gold, house help, the best clothes of the time. He kept her first in everything. By the standards of that era, she had a full life.

They had five daughters.

And she spent the rest of her life getting each one of them married off like it was the only task she had been put on earth to complete. I studied Victorian literature. I understand why women were bartered, why the system worked the way it did, why daughters were seen as liabilities in societies where they had no rights of their own. I understand the history of it. What I cannot understand, what I will never make peace with, is that the women who suffered most under that system were often the ones who carried it forward the hardest.

My mother is her second daughter. She got married at 24. Within months she was pregnant. Within that same stretch of time, her relationship with her in-laws had already fallen apart so badly that she attempted suicide. Twice.

And my nani never brought her home.

There was a point where my mother was staying with her parents. I asked her once, why did you go back? She never had an answer. I think the answer is that nobody encouraged her to stay. There was a brother, there was a sister-in-law, there would have been trouble. So she went back. And my nani let her.

I only learned the next part of this story when I had just given birth to my own daughter. I was 32. My mother would have been around 28 when it happened. She already had two daughters. When she got pregnant a third time, her mother-in-law decided the child would be aborted. My mother remembers lying on a bed, crying, knowing what was going to happen, unable to stop it.

Her mother-in-law went to my nani. Asked her to make it happen. My nani said she would not commit that sin. She had five daughters of her own. She would not be part of it.

And then she left it entirely in their hands and walked away.

She drew a line. And then did nothing with it.

I think about the blessing she used to give us when we visited. She would press money into our hands, five hundred rupees, and when we tried to refuse she would say, no, take it, bless us, you are daughters of this house, pray that we get more so we can give you more.

I used to find it strange. Now I find it devastating. What she should have been saying, what she never said, was: I bless you that you never have to depend on anyone the way your mothers did. But she never encouraged any of her daughters toward independence. She let them stay dependent on their husbands and in-laws no matter what those households looked like from the inside.

My mother raised two daughters on her own terms anyway. Made them independent anyway. Survived things I genuinely do not think I could have survived. I had my daughter at 32 in a stable home and I still felt the full weight of it. I cannot begin to imagine what my mother carried at 28, alone, in a house that did not want her children.

I don't have tidy feelings about my nani. She was not a cruel woman. But she was a woman who had every reason to know better and chose, every single time, the path of least disruption. Her daughters paid for that. Some of them are still paying.

This is the part that stays with me. Patriarchy does not only live in the men who enforce it. Sometimes it lives quietly in the mothers who never taught their daughters they were allowed to leave.

First and foremost, I don’t blame him. From what I understand he doesn’t want to talk to anyone in the family. No reason was provided but I’m sure I have a good enough understanding of it. Our father is/was a toxic individual and has been pretty much all our lives. At this point I tolerate it by “zoning out” the moment he starts getting angry about anything. Not sure how to explain it. It’s exhausting to be criticized for every little thing. I think I gave up at some point and that’s how I’ve handled it since. I’m not sure my brother ever could - which is understandable. Everyone’s different.

My brother moved away and he seemed happier for it. I think that distance was great. We didn’t talk to much before he stopped responding but it was always nice. Saw him last year and it was great. I’ve always been happy he managed to find that distance and sort of thought things were better. It’s hard to really know when that person isn’t/wasn’t open about their internal struggles too much. I’ve always tried to give him that space to talk on his own terms because I know he liked personal space. Thought that was the right way to do it.

Recently he decided he was going no contact with everyone. No reason given but he got a new phone and doesn’t want to talk. Which is fair. I kind of just want to mentally treat it liked he’s dead. Like I don’t have a brother anymore. I’m not sure I have the mental energy to acknowledge it. And again, I don’t mean this in like a “I hate him” kind of way. Hes my brother I love and respect him. I don’t blame him for his choice. I just don’t really know how to handle it. I’m certainly going to miss him.