AIBTA for going no contact with my parents?
I am a 34F with a 35M husband of 13 years, two precious girls whom i homeschool after I sold an extremely successful business i built myself. Husband and I now jointly own multiple businesses together, one of which I bought out half ownership from his last business partners. I will label them Business A, B, C and D.
Business A my husband started roght after we got married and its kind of the axis that started all the others. I can't get into specifics cause it's a niche industry. About 6 or 7 years ago my mother (60F) asked my husband if they could start Business B. Which would piggyback off A, but result in way more income for everyone. My husband asked my opinion and while I agreed the money and the business were great ideas, I warned him getting into business with my mother was not a good idea. My mother is a control freak, corporate to the max and quite frankly mean, which in this industry is not a good idea cause it is still very much run on the handshake good Ole boy system and she wasn't a good fit for the long hours, the type of customer service and vendor relationships it requires. My husband is perfect for it and has done well within it already. I even can work within but something I have to leave up to him cause alot of these men think women need to be pleasant. They don't mind them in charge but they definitely write women off if they don't play ball thier way.
Much against my warnings they went into business. While I can't say it hasn't been successful (it has, as much as my mother has tried to ruin it many times and my husband had to swoop in and save it), it has been a nightmare and after all this time my mother still believes she built the whole thing, not realizing it all would come crashing down without my husband.
About 4 years ago they decided to open Business C, with my dad and husband as partners. Yet again cornering another peice of this industry. I again, warned my husband that my mother would end up running it as my dad was not a good fit. Shocker, he wasn't. He was terrible. My mother ended up not only running it, but almost ruining it too.
3 years ago, they all 3 bought land together and leased it to a seperate entity.
Okay, theres the build up. So, lets take a small step back from the business standpoint and talk about why i have cut off contact with my own parents.
to say i grew up in a verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically ab**** household is putting it lightly. And the kicker, it was only toward me. I have a younger sister (32F) who never recieved the ab*** i did. Not saying she was perfect, she got in her little normal growing up troubles but not once was she ever sl****d, not once was she thrown down stairs, never once was she told her own mother wished she didn't exist. My mother was the main aggressor, with my father just watching.
It would be a novel to list it all, but I got through it. I came out with my own problems I brought into my marriage but my husband and I fought hard together with therapy, communication and love to get me to a place where not only could I trust him, but I would never treat my kids that way.
I mentioned I owned a business years ago. I loved it, but I was ready for the next thing with my kids so I sold it. But during the many years I owned it I received nothing but unsolicited, nasty, demeaning and unwarranted "advice" from both my parents. I couldn't even tell them how my day was without one or the other, mostly my dad, launching into me telling me I was failing and I was going to loose everything cause I was a lousy business owner and worse employer. It even came to a head for a while where it didn't speak to him.
This whole time, my whole life, my parents are funding my sister. I was told my whole life as soon as I was done with undergrad I was own my own, married or not, they weren't giving me another cent. I was fine with that and did what I needed to do. And I haven't taken a single damn dime from them since the day I turned 22 and I got married 2 weeks before that. They threw me a cheap wedding at a venue I hated, with a guest list that wasn't mine, in a town I didn't even live in anymore and neither did my spouse cause it was cheaper for them. I said whatever, and left.
Since that day, they funded my sisters masters program, paid for her living, gave her the wedding of her dreams, helped her move states, paid some of her bills, paid for some of her travel back and forth, paid for appliances in her new house when they ALL decided to move near me and then paid for her attorney when she had to leave her shifty alcoholic husband. On top of that they've paid back her student loan and paid off credit cards.
I mentioned many times how unfair this was. While I didn't need or want thier money, it was extremely wrong of them. My mother didn't care and has continued to say things like my sister is her favorite, and even told a friend of mine she was more her daughter than I was.
Through all of this I held in there. So I could have parents at Christmas, so my kids could have grandparents, so my husband work life would be easier. But I finally had it. First of this year I bought out thier half of Business C. Less than 2 months later they call and tell they are going to out everything they own in a Trust. I asked why, they didn't have enough or really anything of immense value enough to do that and they just said it's what my mother's parents did, and they wanted to do it. I asked how they were going to set it up. They said my sister and I were the trustees of thier main assets but that the land they bought with my husband would go to my girls. I told them no. I didn't want that. They could have my girls inherit the main assets for all I care, but I would like the land to go to me. My husband and I have way later down the road future plans and if something happens with the market or we decide to do something different in our old age, we need to be able to make a quick decision with the land without the hindrance of my children being involved.
I told them both, in no uncertain terms that I didn't care about money, I didn't want a legal problem with my own children later. (We already deal with enough from his family but that's a whole nother can of fu**** up worms). That I've never asked them for one thing ever, that this would mean alot to me and it would hurt my feelings if they left it to my kids.
Surprise! They did it anyway. I told them both I hoped they were happy with thier choices but i was done, I was out. My husband tried to reason with me but they said, "we already gave her a business, shes gotten enough."
Excuse me?! I BOUGHT that business. No one GAVE me anything. And I HAD to buy it because my father (remember, the one who always told me I was a bad business owner and he could do it better) couldn't hack it and was failing miserably.
It's been 4 months, my mother is still trying to butt her way into Business C and act likes he owns it. I haven't spoken to either in almost 4 months. My sister is trying to stay out of it because she loves me but she knows she will get drug in as a reason for my anger and hurt.
For clarification: I do not hate my sister. I don't always agree with her choices, but I love her and her children. I don't begrudge her directly for all the unfairness I have been shown.
My husband has been begging me to try. I've told him multiple times, if they out the land as going to me when they pass, I will let them see my children but I will probably be forever out of thier life. I don't want this hard on him, but actually putting him in this position has made him see even more how much of a bully my mother was to me all those years. He was never blind to it, but its wearing on him.
So, am I the A-Hole?