Excuse me, I realize this is a very unpleasant question, but when I read those of you who have a partner, I can’t understand how it’s possible that someone who is aware of not being loved can remain in a relationship. Can you share your personal experience, and also how you managed to maintain that relationship when resentment toward your partner started to build?
Genuine question as i suspect i have NPD. Ive been legitimately trying to get my therapist to take it seriously for over a year and they insist i dont have it. It just doesnt make sense, i only care about myself and wellbeing and will sacrifice it for others if i can remain comfortable. I dont have any true personality, just whatever i know the person wants from me and i care way too much about how im perceived. I need to be perfect or else i deserve to die.
I have also been a terrible person to everyone who has ever had the displeasure of getting to know me underneath the projected mask i wear. And the fucked up thing is i dont realize it. I thought i fell in love 10 years ago. I got into this relationship 1 month after my previous relationship ended, and i didnt heal from it. I just jumped right on to dating apps to get my fill of attention and validation. I met someone way way too good for me, and is one of the purest souls ive ever met. I went hard for her in the beginning bc its how i believe i felt. As soon as shit got serious and we made it official and living life together, i pulled back and became a fucking burden to live with, like actually worthless. I didnt realize i treated her so awful in general. I lied about so many stupid things bc i was too ashamed, things that wouldnt have been an issue in the first place if i was actually truthful and authentic. Its disgusting bc i feel like i loved her to the best of my ability and that was not how she felt. She feels i was controlling, vindictive, and cruel. It makes me so fucking disgusted and angry at myself bc i didnt realize the affect i had but even then its fucked up that i didnt. Bc why would you treat someone you love like that?
The cognitive dissonance i have is incredible. I can justify and reason anything i do, i cant do anything wrong of course! I literally cant stand myself and i cant change even a little bit. If anything ive just gotten worse, i care less and less and i just wanna double down being a piece of shit until i have the courage to fucking end it. The world would be so much better off without me thats for sure.
this came up on a walk with my husband. i've never shared this with anyone else before or really thought about it, but he mentioned how he feels sad when he thinks about his dad dying and i guess i seem surprised so he asked how i feel when i think about family members/friends dying and i said i don't feel anything.
I've been wondering how y'all deal with being insecure on your looks. I'm working in academics and I like getting self-esteem juice via debates, complex thought processes and absorbing knowledge as much as possible.
But I have to admit, that I'm pretty much absorbed with my looks as well. I'm male, millennial, and it's always been like that. Everytime a mirror pops up, I have to look at myself. Sometimes I see myself as pretty, but most of the time, I look at myself in a criticising way. Like, being worried whether I look attractive. I do take a lot of selfies.
I try to hide this whenever possible, but at some point, people realize that I'm quite vain. I talk a lot about lookism, pretty privilegue and stuff like that, like how society and media feeds us with unrealistic beauity standards to make profits. Only to fall back into my own self-absorbed patterns again.
I've always been extremely envious of handsome people. I feel I never get complimented on my looks, thus I assume I'm ugly. Writing this, I realize this is not technically true, but compliments don't stick. Maybe they would if I'd get them multiple times a day, but how likely is that?
The problem is, whenever I get rejected (real or imagined) I blame my looks. Because I'm like "I'm smarter, more talented and more creative than everyone else, it must be a looks problem".
This is one of many issues I'm currently working on with my therapist (who is specialized in the treatment of NPD). But there is still a long road to go.
Still, I'm very curious on your experiences.
Guys: once again, fuck our parents.
They tried to ruin us. And, oh, how they failed! How pathetic... 😏 😈
u/moldbellchains, you’re absolutely right – accessing this anger is a critical part of healing. It’s what cuts through the bullshit and denial.
But don’t ever fucking let them win.
Let the anger wake you up, but then make it work for you. Make it transformational. You can do this.
You do not deserve to hate yourself – that was their shame to metabolize, not yours. They placed that on you. Don't claim it; it's not your own.
You were never a ‘bad’ child; you were a fucking child. 😡
Essentially what it says in the title: I was moved to be of help to the person I care about, which requred me helping person I do NOT care much about and now only two people know I even was entangled in this situation and they'd never actually say how much I've helped despite the fact that I did. Surprisingly I am not pissed as much at THEM as at the situation itself and the Universe, so I guess that's some progress thanks to therapy You might wonder why there is trigger warning. Well, It's because literally couple of hours ago I've had an event where my ex, with whom I am keeping a very polite and proper "Fuck you" non-contact, due to both of us being terrible for each other, had an entire Santa Barbara spectacle involving my friend who had an unfortunate fate of becoming one of the only people left in the wreckage after almost everyone turned away from my ex. The spactacle involved suicidal ideations, talks about suicides and semi-public mentions of attempts. It was nagging at my friend HARD and I was not able to stand it, so I pushed a number of my ex's parents into her hands and forced her to make a call and talk to them, essentially putting words in my friends mouth, informing them of a situation, at least making them aware since
Eventually things turned out to be fine, but I am so fucking pissed, that I was ready to make these calls myself and get ready to be screamed at by my ex's mom, who definitely heard VERY not pretty things about me, that I still had some semblance of care for her, that I just didn't stop to gloat about pathetic situation she ended up in, I gloated internally and still went around doing something for her. That I, despite all the hurt she did to me still gave a fuck. And I can't even take credit now, because now my friend is the main hero of the day, who "told about the situation to everyone", because it was the initial goal, I did NOT wanted to get entangled in this too much, it would've made a lot of damage to the balance I've kept for 8 months at this point. And I KNOW that it's irrational to be praised for doing an essential minimum, a thing that anyone is kinda morally obligated to do, and that I've wrote NASTY things right now, but I just feel so done about the fact that I am FORCED to care about something, and not even get ANY recognition for the fact that I cared, that I am not gonna be perceived as someone dignified or honorable — I am still gonna be a "shitty ex, the narcissist with infantilism" from a lot of people's perspectives, while I most likely saved this person's life. And I am so done with it.
Ugly people disgust me. Like it really shows my worth if an ugly person tries to talk to me. I only want to make friends with normies who can get me jobs and girls
(This is a repost in an attempt to get actual answers to my question, but I usually just get ignored in this sub anyway)
I’m in therapy, but I’m difficult as hell, so I think my therapist is just scrambling for ways to try and fix me. I mean I’m not really there for that — I just want someone to talk to — but I guess she has to do her job anyway.
Most people say that Cognitive Based Therapy or anything related to it is the best for NPD, but I personally think it’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s basically like gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re a decent person even when you’re not, so knowing my opinion, she suggested W.E.T.
I was doing some research on it, and it seems to be more for treating PTSD and anxiety. I mean I guess I do have some of that (rough childhood and all), but it’s usually for like… war veterans and victims of severe abuse (my abuse wasn’t as scary compared to other people’s), and I’m not even part of those crowds. Perhaps she was just trying to relate it to my interests too, because I like to write, however I only tend to enjoy writing when it’s not made to be some sort of work.
She’s not really insisting it atm. It’s more or less a suggestion, but I’m scared that if I don’t go along with a little bit of what she says, she’ll think I’m difficult and unfixable and throw me away like my therapist before her. That being said, I’ll probably try it if she starts insisting, but I’d like to know if any of you guys here have experienced in W.E.T.
Bom... A minha cabeça é um looping, eu tô com medo de ser Narcisista patológico.
A minha vida inteira foram máscaras, eu não queria virar isso, eu não consigo concluir o que tenho, nenhum especialista consegue concluir, mas até o momento, estou diagnosticado e tratando TDAH e o medicamento tem realmente me ajudando no controle emocional, me ajudado a relaxar mais, a ver melhor o lado humano dos outros, tem me ajudado a conter essa "cegueira" na hora da raiva... Porém, eu sinto que é tarde demais, eu machuquei todo mundo que gostava de mim, todo mundo que acreditou em mim, eu só me vitimizava, só queria fugir de tudo, só sentia vontade de morrer... Eu não sei se isso é narcisismo, mas eu fico muito absorto, muitas vezes contra minha própria vontade, nos meus problemas... Eu tô cansado de não saber exatamente o que eu tenho, eu sou impaciente... Eu cansei de me vitimizar, mas dói simplesmente assumir que eu só sou um incompetente entende? Alguém que sentia dificuldade em tudo, na escola, que falhou profissionalmente, que não para em emprego...
Porque tipo, no fundo, eu nem queria existir tlgd? Acho que foi tanta parada ruim que aconteceu, que minha visão foi distorcendo, e desde minha adolescência eu sentia que não importa o quanto eu fizesse de esforço, meu destino era virar isso... Eu só me autodestrui, hoje aparentemente tenho algum grau de mania de perseguição, eu sinto medo das pessoas, medo de ser julgado, eu quero me esconder e chorar... Eu só queria ter sido uma pessoa "normal" sabe? Eu nem vou culpar mais família ou o planeta... Eu só... Tô me perguntando, se tem alguma esperança pra mim ter uma vida simples... Um trabalho legal... Eu exausto... Muito exausto... Eu não quero me vitimizar mais... Eu peguei nojo disso... Embora na minha cabeça toda aquela dor fosse real... Mas o vitimismo me paralisou... Eu não sei se é disforia sensível à rejeição, autismo (porque tenho suspeitas e fecho os critérios, mas ao mesmo tempo eu não consigo aceitar que eu sou "inocente"), ou sei lá... Eu só comecei a sentir prazer em viver recentemente, mas acho que o mundo cansou de me "esperar"...
Desculpa pessoal, é que eu tenho me isolado tanto, cada vez pior... Todas as vezes que eu sinto vontade de fazer alguém se sentir mal por sei lá, ser rispida do nada comigo ou invalidar quando eu falei o que estou sentindo, eu meio que me "chicoteio" emocionalmente porque na minha cabeça, desde criança eu acho que eu sou um monstro... E também, caso seja narcisismo vulnerável de verdade, eu não quero levar nada à diante, eu não quero que minha irmã sofra porque eu amo ela...
(Eu tô chorando muito escrevendo isso pq porra... Eu tentei de tudo pra não virar igual meu pai... E parece que é impossível negar essa natureza desgraçada)
Ou eu me culpo por tudo pra me adestrar, ai fica aquele rombo no peito, de saber que eu não posso criar expectativas de nada... Ou eu tento validar a minha dor e começo a sentir raiva da minha família, ai a culpa vem e me esmaga...
Since there's this wide belief that narcissists are all abusive and evil do you ever get imposter syndrome? NPD is the only thing that's made sense of the way I am and since discovering it I've been able to actually change for the better and actually see people past the filter NPD puts on them.
But lately I've been getting imposter syndrome. How can I be a narcissist if I genuinely try to be a good person and feel bad for not experiencing empathy or love the way others do? But then there's the ego injuries, the collapses, the sensitivity to criticism, the shame, the grandiosity, the delusions, the fantasies, the splits, the breakdowns ect. But I'm not abusive or at least when I've neared or crossed into that territory I immediately set a boundary because I never want to be an abuser. I already hate myself enough for everything else.
It's just... it's almost like... If I'm functioning and I cope and I'm not shitty or "sick" anymore then I'm just a normal person. And that's triggering to me. Almost like I want to be narcissistic because ultimately that means I'm better, right? But actually feeling like a person is even better I bet. Being happy just feels odd. Like it's not real. It's giving me identity whiplash.
So I'm just sort of stuck feeling like I'm either pretending to be good or pretending to be a narcissist, like they can't co-exist even though I know it's more nuanced than people will ever understand...
I’m in therapy, but I’m difficult as hell, so I think my therapist is just scrambling for ways to try and fix me. I mean I’m not really there for that — I just want someone to talk to — but I guess she has to do her job anyway.
Most people say that Cognitive Based Therapy or anything related to it is the best for NPD, but I personally think it’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s basically like gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re a decent person even when you’re not, so knowing my opinion, she suggested W.E.T.
I was doing some research on it, and it seems to be more for treating PTSD and anxiety. I mean I guess I do have some of that (rough childhood and all), but it’s usually for like… war veterans and victims of severe abuse (my abuse wasn’t as scary compared to other people’s), and I’m not even part of those crowds. Perhaps she was just trying to relate it to my interests too, because I like to write, however I only tend to enjoy writing when it’s not made to be some sort of work.
She’s not really insisting it atm. It’s more or less a suggestion, but I’m scared that if I don’t go along with a little bit of what she says, she’ll think I’m difficult and unfixable and throw me away like my therapist before her. That being said, I’ll probably try it if she starts insisting, but I’d like to know if any of you guys here have experienced in W.E.T.
Well, I often see people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) on NPD subreddits talking about their condition and their experiences with the disorder, even asking for help to change some aspects. Then, when I read the comments, I see people criticizing the person who made the post for their behavior. Like, what did you expect? You're on a NPD subreddit, Custer B, people who tend to have "bad behavior" "manipulative behavior," isn't it obvious that they would be different from an empathetic person? And if the person who saw the post and complained was truly empathetic, at the very least they would understand that no one is to blame for having a disorder and, at the very least, would try to help. Otherwise, it's better to ignore the post. This really upsets me. If you don't understand the disorder and are the type who watches those YouTube videos "How bad narcissists are" blah blah blah, don't say anything...
I struggle with discipline and self neglect. I had previous eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I’ve gained a lot of weight and I want to lose weight and exercise for my happiness, but it often slips into obsession. When I was exercising more consistently it did help my sleep and happiness, but there was the extra component of “needing to look a certain way” and hyperfixation.
I see other people my age and they’re organized, disciplined, and fit and I want to achieve it too.
I want to feel pretty and well groomed. Normal people enjoy that? 🫠
Since collapsing and being diagnosed with BPD I’ve neglected my hygiene, I’ve neglected my appearance. I want to feel confident and happy, I just don’t want to swing dramatically to a toxic direction.
trying to figure out if i’m alone in this but basically i get super angry over texting. it’s a constant game of ghosting (ghost or be ghosted) and it genuinely does trigger me to the point where i’ve deleted everything or tried to destroy my phone. seriously, ive gone to crazy extents over the intense feelings i get with texting cuz having a phone and being a physical being means that i feel so inferior weak and helpless all the time and i hate it!!!!!
the same applies to social interactions, truly. i have this burning need in me all the time to never be humiliated or seen as inferior. i don’t care about approaching anyone; if your outfit is cool i’m gonna tell you about it. but at the same time the minute i approach someone (regardless if i know them or not), it’s like a ticking time bomb. i’m hyperaware of the potential imbalances and whatnot and i just get so unbelievably angry. at what? i have no clue! i just start to change. or act weirdly. i don’t want to pour into anyone who isn’t of use to me or who isn’t going to worship me but at the same time i want to talk to everyone all the time but also not at all ever (probably for selfish reasons that make me feel superior and all powerful).
example a: randomly approached this girl and we hit it off, spoke for hours. it was nice. i asked for her number cause that stuff doesn’t bother me for some reason (my brain allows certain bold things to be seen as okay idk) and then she gave me her number. she asked for mine as well. then she messaged me and we spoke for a couple of minutes before i disappeared. genuinely had shit to do and it wasn’t personal. but now my brain’s like “okay so if she returns the energy never message her”. lo and behold she’s a human being and did the same and now i can’t shake off never wanting to interact with her again. until i get this rush to use her cuz everyone can be of use right? and then it’s like ugh this is so boring and too much work and it’s a whole fucking cycle!!!! people are so fucking boring i can’t even have fun anymore and then fuck i’m such a bore too, i turn so lifeless and i just want to listen to people talk and never say a word because i genuinely feel as though sometimes they’ll copy me or steal my vibe so i rather be personality less around others???? idek
this has happened too many times. i forget people exist until suddenly i wanna use them (ive gotten to the point where i think people are so inferior they can’t ever truly be useful but somehow i still get these sudden urges to reach out to everyone ive ever known to pretend) but ofc they’re gonna respond late to the asshole who doesn’t message properly but then it’s a major threat to my ego. does anyone else relate?
i’m too insane to leave people alone, i always want them around me at arm’s length first and then super close but then not too close cuz i’ll get upset and so it goes. i’m convinced i can’t love anyone because of this. i hate being vulnerable, i love pretending, i don’t want you to ever see the real me and i love performing (sometimes).
Have a question about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits? Welcome to the bi-weekly post for non-narcs to ask us anything! We’re here to help destigmatize the myths surrounding NPD and narcissism in general.
Some rules:
* Non narcs: please refrain from armchair diagnosing people in your life. *Only refer to them as NPD if they were actually diagnosed by an unbiased licensed professional (aka not your own therapist or an internet therapist that you think fits the description of the person you’re accusing of being a narcissist)*
* This is not a post for non-narcs or narcs to be abusive towards anyone. Please report any comments or questions that are not made in good faith.
* This is not a place to ask if your ex/mom/friend/boss/dog is a narcissist.
* This is not a place to ask if you yourself are a narcissist.
Thanks! Let’s all be civil and take some more baby steps towards fighting stigma and increasing awareness.
**This thread will be locked after two weeks and you can find the new one by searching the sub via the “Ask a Narc” flair**
~ Invis ✨ & Mod Team
I think I might have been intentionally left off a list for a major promotion. I don’t know this yet and I’m trying not to panic, but if I was and it’s because I did the right thing by coming forward about the behavior of an employer to preserve the ethicality of my workplace, I will be in a position where I or my friends will show everyone the very reasons I did not get that promotion…debate on if that’s a good idea or not is off the table. I’ll ask tomorrow, I legit might have just messed something up along the way or they forgot my name out of everybody on the list for some reason which tbh is very likely, but onto the literal post topic as that was just a vent:
How do you deal with being left out of major situations where you deserve recognition without overblowing it/“losing your mind?” I guess a lot of it would need to be telling yourself that you have enough internal worth, but we people with this disorder literally just expect recognition, so when it’s a situation where you were told you would get recognition but aren’t for some reason, do you just calmly accept it if you don’t get an answer as to why?
If you can tell, I’m rambling quite a lot. Probably because this is a major trigger for me. This is one of those things that people without this disorder might not get, so hopefully you guys have some advice. External validation is a necessity that shouldn’t be overlooked for us. It’s the root of all my motivation as well as anxiety, and I want to get what I rightfully deserve but also don’t want to be dependent on it. Happy medium?
Has anyone else ever felt the same? This leads me to behave better, but then I find myself in situations I don’t know how to handle. ( I'm not English native speaker so I'm sorry if I can't express myself well)
Looking to hear from anyone involved in liberation or movement work. I feel a deep desire to return to spaces like this, but I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I don’t trust myself knowing I deal with narc traits. I feel I have been involved in this work because I know I should - I mean I hate the world as it is now, it’s rlly deeply vile. But I feel very toxic and it is necessary to be able to take and grow from criticism in this work, as well as to empathize and operate from a selfless place. It also feels like a copout to abandon the responsibility to these struggles to remove myself - that seems selfish in its own right. So I’m stumped.
Has anyone in these struggles worked on themselves in order to preserve a healthy relationship to these communities and spaces? Has anyone found a niche where they can be useful more than they’re harmful?
this is going to be quite the long read.
for starters i will say that i am diagnosed with both bpd and npd. the year i was diagnosed, a lot had happened that was extremely traumatic and eye opening for me. prior to my diagnoses, i was entirely unaware of my tendencies and the reasons as to why i behaved and reacted the way that i did in and out of relationships.
i ended up having quite a few blips, quit treatment, and took myself off all medication. then everything went to shit, and i’d decided that i didn’t want to be that way anymore.
upon my decision to seek treatment, i suddenly found it entirely unavailable to me, as my pervious tendency to switch therapists, skip sessions, and ignore my psychiatrists put me at the bottom of the list, and there was no longer any urgency in finding me a psychiatrist or anything of the sort.
I have always been extremely self aware, so I felt that i didn’t need it, but i came to realize that without understanding what the source of my reactions were and what they could be linked back to, i was entirely unable to work on it on my own.
so, i ended up doing deep extensive research on my conditions myself, reading studies, textbooks, and all kinds of things to better understand myself and what sets me off. I spent a lot of time getting in touch with myself and my triggers, and did a lot of reflections on previous relationships and my own actions and mistakes.
i eventually noticed a pattern in my behavior, and that being the fact that i am at my worst when in relationships, especially since i naturally find myself gravitating toward unhealthy dynamics, whether it receiving, giving, or mutual mistreatment and abuse. keeping that in mind, i decided to stay single for an extensive amount of time while i further worked on myself and tried to find professional help.
i was doing very well for myself for quite a bit. i started to feel a bit better about myself overall, was becoming very sociable, and was getting better with handling conflict. i was very proud of myself and how far i’d come. it was almost if i’d started to go into remission.
eventually, my now ex partner began to peruse me, and i regretfully decided that i felt i was ready to make an attempt on relationships again, entirely ignoring my plan of seeking treatment beforehand and thinking i could handle it on my own. (WRONG!!!!!!)
i’d told them that i wanted to take it slow, and immediately made them aware of the things that i struggle with. i set a very strict boundary of a need for complete and mature communication, as i am obviously not someone who does well in conflict without it.
i explained my situation, the work id been doing on myself, and forced myself to completely open up, which was extremely difficult for me. but like i said, i was tired of living the way that i had been before. despite how uncomfortable it was, i wanted to make it work. i forced myself into 100% transparency in hopes that my honesty would be well received and respected.
i immediately was proven entirely incorrect, as not even three weeks into us talking, i found out that they had been saying terribly rude and disgusting things behind my back, making up lies about the status of our relationship (even prior to me agreeing to try with them) and just overall being very nasty and creepy.
unfortunately i have 0 backbone. so i told them to give me space to think about it, ignored their incessant messaging, and then drunk texted them a month or so later agreeing to let it go.
by the time we’d officially gotten together, i was showing more bpd than npd traits, but i was overall handling everything decently well for someone out of treatment. i practiced communicating and vulnerability when something upset me, and was able to apologize when things were brought up to me as well.
then my partner at the time began to disrespect me and our relationship.
they entirely ignored my boundaries, wouldn’t set boundaries with their friends or people that were flirting with them and or speaking poorly about me, and responding negatively or ignoring my feelings when i tried to communicate.
there was always an excuse as to why they couldn’t tell people we were together, wasn’t able to tell someone to stop flirting with them, why they were letting people disrespect me, why they never remembered anything about me or the things that i spoke about, etc.
i began to feel very insecure in the relationship and started struggling to effectively and healthily communicate. it was like with every issue, a strip of progress that i’d made was ripped from me and it eventually led to the first time i’d blocked them.
blocking became a recurring theme. every time there was an issue and it wasn’t being sorted, i was so overcome with emotion and rage that blocking and cutting them off was the least destructive way to handle the situation, especially since they never listened to my requests to end arguments so i could regulate myself, and would continue to message me until i started to freak out.
things started getting really bad after that, and i felt like i was losing control of myself and everything that i’d built. i started blocking them twice a week, sometimes more. there were secrets being kept, lies being told, there was blame flipping, guilt tripping, and overall a clusterfuck of bullshit that just continued every single day. i even ended up in the hospital over an argument at some point and received nothing but radio silence from the other side.
the relationship began to rebuild my insecurity and completely reduced my self esteem. i’d started to feel so insecure in the relationship that my need for control began to grow, and i felt myself rapidly regressing in progress. it eventually became so unbearable that my npd traits entirely resurged at full force, almost as if my brain was taking on a different defense mechanism as my previous weren’t working.
this is where i start to get confused.
i think the first time that i realized i was back to square one was when i tried to break up with them for the first time.
there was an immediate reaction from my partner, and an emotional disconnect from me. it was like something in my brain switched off and everything that they did and said disgusted and irritated me. i’m sure you all get it and that i don’t need to go any further into detail.
i started to lose myself in that reaction, and was threatening to break up with them frequently, and reeling them back in when they’d stop fighting me back on it so that we didn’t actually have to break up. i kept going on about everything that they’d done and how they’d never change, how everything was their fault and constantly shaming and making them feel bad for what they’d done to me. i constantly got upset over old issues as i can never let things go, and would continuously make them apologize again, as my ego did not allow me to get over it and move on. even in arguments where i was correct, them being upset with me in turn made me lash out. i was so hung up on how extensively they’d mistreated me, how stupid it made me feel, how embarrassed i was, how angry that made me, and how hurt i was, completely blaming them for falling back into old patterns and allowing myself to give in to my behaviors because “i wasn’t the only one in the wrong.”
i had completely and utterly forgotten everything that i taught myself. it felt so much better to be in control, but i was dying with the shame of my actions with every day that passed, especially because i knew how hard id worked before trying to get myself out of that spot. i felt that i was disgusting and that id never be able to live it down. like i was going to be this way forever no matter what i did.
i started trying to backpedal mentally and fix everything by being honest with them during arguments when i felt that i could, even though i’d immediately regret it get angry with them, lash out, and cut them off later like it was their fault that i told them. it started to feel like i was constantly battling myself in my head, trying to stop myself from mistreating them, but no matter what i did i couldn’t control it. i’d become so insanely attached that a genuine breakup was entirely off the table. sometimes id tell them to leave me because i couldn’t do it myself, i would force myself into telling them it was only going to get worse as a way to hold myself accountable, though they obviously never left.
i stopped being able to tell who was to blame, and it ate at me everyday. i was so scared that i had entirely become the person that i was before, and that everyone was going to find out. i was scared of them leaving because i feared they would tell everyone how horrible i was, and that it would ruin everything. i felt such deep shame for the way i behaved with my partner, because despite everything i really did feel love for them in the way i was able to.
i eventually accepted that our relationship was beyond repair, and that i was never going to feel for them as i once did. i started contacting and seeing them less, trying to work on myself again. every time we spoke i’d get irritated, or something would happen and it would turn into an argument. we started going days without communication.
i impulsively broke up with them for good recently, and knew in my heart that if i truly wanted to work back toward recovery, i would have to remove myself from the relationship. it had become my biggest trigger, and was affecting external relationships and day to day life.
now as i’m trying to build myself back up, im struggling to reflect properly. even when i explain everything to other people and they tell me it’s not my fault, i am unconvinced. i know that i leave out the extent of my behavior by default, because fucking obviously i would, (i’m working on it) so i am unable to figure out just how wrong i genuinely am. i don’t even know if i’m allowed to feel upset about how they treated me, because i clearly fucked up as well. i really was trying my best. i truly, sincerely was. i had nothing but good intentions. i put so much into trying to make it work for so long, but i couldn’t handle it anymore.
we are still in contact, and i know that i should cut it off but i can’t. i still have this lingering fear that the second i block them, they’ll put me on blast for all of the world to see and it’ll follow me forever. ..and I’m also still a bit attached. (Sorry!)
does anyone have any thoughts? i feel so lost and i don’t know where to go from here. it was such a hard crash and i don’t know how to build everything from the ground up again. i’m not sure i have it in me right now. am i more in the wrong than they were? or can it be considered mutual