does texting trigger you?
trying to figure out if i’m alone in this but basically i get super angry over texting. it’s a constant game of ghosting (ghost or be ghosted) and it genuinely does trigger me to the point where i’ve deleted everything or tried to destroy my phone. seriously, ive gone to crazy extents over the intense feelings i get with texting cuz having a phone and being a physical being means that i feel so inferior weak and helpless all the time and i hate it!!!!!
the same applies to social interactions, truly. i have this burning need in me all the time to never be humiliated or seen as inferior. i don’t care about approaching anyone; if your outfit is cool i’m gonna tell you about it. but at the same time the minute i approach someone (regardless if i know them or not), it’s like a ticking time bomb. i’m hyperaware of the potential imbalances and whatnot and i just get so unbelievably angry. at what? i have no clue! i just start to change. or act weirdly. i don’t want to pour into anyone who isn’t of use to me or who isn’t going to worship me but at the same time i want to talk to everyone all the time but also not at all ever (probably for selfish reasons that make me feel superior and all powerful).
example a: randomly approached this girl and we hit it off, spoke for hours. it was nice. i asked for her number cause that stuff doesn’t bother me for some reason (my brain allows certain bold things to be seen as okay idk) and then she gave me her number. she asked for mine as well. then she messaged me and we spoke for a couple of minutes before i disappeared. genuinely had shit to do and it wasn’t personal. but now my brain’s like “okay so if she returns the energy never message her”. lo and behold she’s a human being and did the same and now i can’t shake off never wanting to interact with her again. until i get this rush to use her cuz everyone can be of use right? and then it’s like ugh this is so boring and too much work and it’s a whole fucking cycle!!!! people are so fucking boring i can’t even have fun anymore and then fuck i’m such a bore too, i turn so lifeless and i just want to listen to people talk and never say a word because i genuinely feel as though sometimes they’ll copy me or steal my vibe so i rather be personality less around others???? idek
this has happened too many times. i forget people exist until suddenly i wanna use them (ive gotten to the point where i think people are so inferior they can’t ever truly be useful but somehow i still get these sudden urges to reach out to everyone ive ever known to pretend) but ofc they’re gonna respond late to the asshole who doesn’t message properly but then it’s a major threat to my ego. does anyone else relate?
i’m too insane to leave people alone, i always want them around me at arm’s length first and then super close but then not too close cuz i’ll get upset and so it goes. i’m convinced i can’t love anyone because of this. i hate being vulnerable, i love pretending, i don’t want you to ever see the real me and i love performing (sometimes).