NPD imposter syndrome
Since there's this wide belief that narcissists are all abusive and evil do you ever get imposter syndrome? NPD is the only thing that's made sense of the way I am and since discovering it I've been able to actually change for the better and actually see people past the filter NPD puts on them.
But lately I've been getting imposter syndrome. How can I be a narcissist if I genuinely try to be a good person and feel bad for not experiencing empathy or love the way others do? But then there's the ego injuries, the collapses, the sensitivity to criticism, the shame, the grandiosity, the delusions, the fantasies, the splits, the breakdowns ect. But I'm not abusive or at least when I've neared or crossed into that territory I immediately set a boundary because I never want to be an abuser. I already hate myself enough for everything else.
It's just... it's almost like... If I'm functioning and I cope and I'm not shitty or "sick" anymore then I'm just a normal person. And that's triggering to me. Almost like I want to be narcissistic because ultimately that means I'm better, right? But actually feeling like a person is even better I bet. Being happy just feels odd. Like it's not real. It's giving me identity whiplash.
So I'm just sort of stuck feeling like I'm either pretending to be good or pretending to be a narcissist, like they can't co-exist even though I know it's more nuanced than people will ever understand...