u/Just_a_Fikus

Essentially what it says in the title: I was moved to be of help to the person I care about, which requred me helping person I do NOT care much about and now only two people know I even was entangled in this situation and they'd never actually say how much I've helped despite the fact that I did. Surprisingly I am not pissed as much at THEM as at the situation itself and the Universe, so I guess that's some progress thanks to therapy You might wonder why there is trigger warning. Well, It's because literally couple of hours ago I've had an event where my ex, with whom I am keeping a very polite and proper "Fuck you" non-contact, due to both of us being terrible for each other, had an entire Santa Barbara spectacle involving my friend who had an unfortunate fate of becoming one of the only people left in the wreckage after almost everyone turned away from my ex. The spactacle involved suicidal ideations, talks about suicides and semi-public mentions of attempts. It was nagging at my friend HARD and I was not able to stand it, so I pushed a number of my ex's parents into her hands and forced her to make a call and talk to them, essentially putting words in my friends mouth, informing them of a situation, at least making them aware since

1. We've lost contact with my ex
2. She might actually ATTEMPT doing something

Eventually things turned out to be fine, but I am so fucking pissed, that I was ready to make these calls myself and get ready to be screamed at by my ex's mom, who definitely heard VERY not pretty things about me, that I still had some semblance of care for her, that I just didn't stop to gloat about pathetic situation she ended up in, I gloated internally and still went around doing something for her. That I, despite all the hurt she did to me still gave a fuck. And I can't even take credit now, because now my friend is the main hero of the day, who "told about the situation to everyone", because it was the initial goal, I did NOT wanted to get entangled in this too much, it would've made a lot of damage to the balance I've kept for 8 months at this point. And I KNOW that it's irrational to be praised for doing an essential minimum, a thing that anyone is kinda morally obligated to do, and that I've wrote NASTY things right now, but I just feel so done about the fact that I am FORCED to care about something, and not even get ANY recognition for the fact that I cared, that I am not gonna be perceived as someone dignified or honorable — I am still gonna be a "shitty ex, the narcissist with infantilism" from a lot of people's perspectives, while I most likely saved this person's life. And I am so done with it.