u/purplefinch022

I struggle with discipline and self neglect. I had previous eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I’ve gained a lot of weight and I want to lose weight and exercise for my happiness, but it often slips into obsession. When I was exercising more consistently it did help my sleep and happiness, but there was the extra component of “needing to look a certain way” and hyperfixation.

I see other people my age and they’re organized, disciplined, and fit and I want to achieve it too.

I want to feel pretty and well groomed. Normal people enjoy that? 🫠

Since collapsing and being diagnosed with BPD I’ve neglected my hygiene, I’ve neglected my appearance. I want to feel confident and happy, I just don’t want to swing dramatically to a toxic direction.

Hey all

I deal with severe self esteem fluctuations and one of the areas I struggle the most is with my weight and body image. I grew up in a family with people who body shamed everyone and themselves. My parents were quite attractive people and constantly called themselves “fat and hideous” and would have me look at pics of them if it’s bad. I’ve done this to people too and refuse to have pictures taken or posted of me because of it. I don’t really look at myself in the mirror because it can really trigger me. A few weeks ago on a good streak I did and I felt beautiful (just as I was and it was incredible). But… I have gained A LOT of weight since something really distressing happened to me a while ago / mental breakdown. I am working on my underlying shame (about a lot of stuff) It’s such a struggle that I even struggle to hear doctors say “you need to lose some weight”.

In the past I have overcompensated for this (when looking at thinner bodies, girls I am jealous of) by convincing myself I’m better.

How do I work on this? (Yes I’m counseling)

I really struggle to be happy for anyone and this makes relationships almost impossible. I feel upset and sometimes even sad I can’t, but the envy won’t go away. It comes out sometimes, and sometimes I can logically tell myself “They really deserve that”; looking at their life story and understanding the hardship they worked. However, most of the time, envy consumes me - and I struggle have any close friends as a result. There *have* been times I’ve felt “love” and connection, where I’ve cried for another persons sadness. So it not entirely impossible, but it’s only a sliver of time. It was also usually paired with idealization and projecting/viewing them as an extension of myself.

How do I fix this? I don’t want to hurt anyone or be malicious, thinking of intentionally hurting people is an absolute no. in my life but not being genuinely happy for others makes it hard to have any meaningful connections. I feel so much shame writing this.

Something I noticed I do is that when intimacy builds and time passes, I devalue people and start fault finding, then feel guilty and ashamed later. I start feeling geniune disgust when they’re present, consistent, and pick apart their flaws. There is a tendency to judge the other persons separate identity and interests that don’t align with mine. I know this is a fear response and issues with projection, abandonment/engulfment. *I know deep down* I should be supportive, loving. There’s. part of me that really wants to be, but I devalue out of fear.

There’s a part of me that knows those separate interests allow for healthy space and individuality, but I guess when you still aren’t entirely integrated and sure of yourself that’s more difficult. I’ve started to feel that others are inherently separate to me, but still struggle when people get close with the abandonment/engulfment and superiority/inferiority dynamic.

Even when I was deep into my disorder and completely unconscious, I was furious at myself for the dynamic. I would spiral and ask myself what was wrong with me, because I couldn’t get rid of the disgust and (what I now know is) devaluation.

There’s still a quiet part of me that yearns for mirroring from a dad like figure. My “ex” and I mirrored so much of one another (our interests, our backgrounds, our thoughts - completed each others sentences - even our family noticed we moved in synchrony) it was rather frightening, but the relationship was a trauma bond - all a deeply and unaware disordered person is capable of. It was the ultimate shared fantasy between two Cluster B people. He held up a psychic and spiritual mirror to me, and it ripped me open.

I had a guy pursue me for years who had a strong sense of self - and I perpetually devalued him and engaged in pushes and pulls for years. There were times I cried because I loved and trusted him so much, that he made me feel so safe. Then when he wouldn’t meet my unmet needs or when I felt too smothered / he got close I’d get the ick and pick apart his flaws. When he was far away, I’d want him back. I knew he would be good for me - but I would get so repulsed and distressed. One day I told him I was projecting a father figure on to and looking for that in partners and that I got diagnosed with BPD (hope that gave him closure). I would spiral often with him about how something was wrong with me but I didn’t know what.

I remember that day. I felt so loving toward him. Sometimes when we were close my entire body calmed down, and he was like a heated blanket. I loved just sitting with him, because he felt like an anchor. Someone I could always count on. Then later I’d freak out. And I couldn’t be that for him. I was severely disordered, a child - and even though I’ve changed dramatically, in many ways I still am.

I have an absent, critical father and then over engulfing, controlling mom (where I get some comorbid NPD symptoms) which is a large contributor to my BPD (diagnosed) . I have historically almost always had a male figure I’ve latched on to for emotional regulation and constant validation . This has dated back to my single digit years. All men Ive attached too in a FP on to have had some unavailable quality to them (whether it’s distance, addiction, also being cluster B) where I fantasized about what could be.

Whenever a man that would be good for me comes along, a man who wants to see me, but and a man who has boundaries and a strong sense of self - I fucking lose it. I become physically ill from the emotional distress. I feel completely and utterly disgusted by their affection toward me (unless it’s idealization from another Cluster B) I become highly critical, devaluing (quite early on). It causes so much psychological and physical distress it’s not even worth the stress of engaging in any connections with men. Then I cry about the abandonment. I know this is all coming from lifelong deep seated issues with my parents - particularly my dad.

My dad never invested in me in a meaningful way of getting to know me - only for my achievements which he constantly reminded me I didn’t do enough of.

There is 0 basis for me in terms of connecting with men. My grandpa? A bit yes - but he’s also very entangled with my mom’s abuse. I hold men to higher standards - and any yelling, any problematic behavior from men feels intolerable.

Note I struggle with everyone (feeling engulfed) and actually sustaining friendships. I’ve had a pattern throughout my life (although maybe not even pathological) of having one close female friend I bonded super deeply with. Women are definitely easier

for me. Other than that, I enjoy solitude. My life is SO much more peaceful without a romantic relationship.

I don’t know if I will ever realistically have any relationship with a man because of how sick and miserable it makes me, and how problematic I become. If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear.