u/Accomplished-Mark925

this is going to be quite the long read.

for starters i will say that i am diagnosed with both bpd and npd. the year i was diagnosed, a lot had happened that was extremely traumatic and eye opening for me. prior to my diagnoses, i was entirely unaware of my tendencies and the reasons as to why i behaved and reacted the way that i did in and out of relationships.

i ended up having quite a few blips, quit treatment, and took myself off all medication. then everything went to shit, and i’d decided that i didn’t want to be that way anymore.

upon my decision to seek treatment, i suddenly found it entirely unavailable to me, as my pervious tendency to switch therapists, skip sessions, and ignore my psychiatrists put me at the bottom of the list, and there was no longer any urgency in finding me a psychiatrist or anything of the sort.

I have always been extremely self aware, so I felt that i didn’t need it, but i came to realize that without understanding what the source of my reactions were and what they could be linked back to, i was entirely unable to work on it on my own.

so, i ended up doing deep extensive research on my conditions myself, reading studies, textbooks, and all kinds of things to better understand myself and what sets me off. I spent a lot of time getting in touch with myself and my triggers, and did a lot of reflections on previous relationships and my own actions and mistakes.

i eventually noticed a pattern in my behavior, and that being the fact that i am at my worst when in relationships, especially since i naturally find myself gravitating toward unhealthy dynamics, whether it receiving, giving, or mutual mistreatment and abuse. keeping that in mind, i decided to stay single for an extensive amount of time while i further worked on myself and tried to find professional help.

i was doing very well for myself for quite a bit. i started to feel a bit better about myself overall, was becoming very sociable, and was getting better with handling conflict. i was very proud of myself and how far i’d come. it was almost if i’d started to go into remission.

eventually, my now ex partner began to peruse me, and i regretfully decided that i felt i was ready to make an attempt on relationships again, entirely ignoring my plan of seeking treatment beforehand and thinking i could handle it on my own. (WRONG!!!!!!)

i’d told them that i wanted to take it slow, and immediately made them aware of the things that i struggle with. i set a very strict boundary of a need for complete and mature communication, as i am obviously not someone who does well in conflict without it.

i explained my situation, the work id been doing on myself, and forced myself to completely open up, which was extremely difficult for me. but like i said, i was tired of living the way that i had been before. despite how uncomfortable it was, i wanted to make it work. i forced myself into 100% transparency in hopes that my honesty would be well received and respected.

i immediately was proven entirely incorrect, as not even three weeks into us talking, i found out that they had been saying terribly rude and disgusting things behind my back, making up lies about the status of our relationship (even prior to me agreeing to try with them) and just overall being very nasty and creepy.

unfortunately i have 0 backbone. so i told them to give me space to think about it, ignored their incessant messaging, and then drunk texted them a month or so later agreeing to let it go.

by the time we’d officially gotten together, i was showing more bpd than npd traits, but i was overall handling everything decently well for someone out of treatment. i practiced communicating and vulnerability when something upset me, and was able to apologize when things were brought up to me as well.

then my partner at the time began to disrespect me and our relationship.

they entirely ignored my boundaries, wouldn’t set boundaries with their friends or people that were flirting with them and or speaking poorly about me, and responding negatively or ignoring my feelings when i tried to communicate.

there was always an excuse as to why they couldn’t tell people we were together, wasn’t able to tell someone to stop flirting with them, why they were letting people disrespect me, why they never remembered anything about me or the things that i spoke about, etc.

i began to feel very insecure in the relationship and started struggling to effectively and healthily communicate. it was like with every issue, a strip of progress that i’d made was ripped from me and it eventually led to the first time i’d blocked them.

blocking became a recurring theme. every time there was an issue and it wasn’t being sorted, i was so overcome with emotion and rage that blocking and cutting them off was the least destructive way to handle the situation, especially since they never listened to my requests to end arguments so i could regulate myself, and would continue to message me until i started to freak out.

things started getting really bad after that, and i felt like i was losing control of myself and everything that i’d built. i started blocking them twice a week, sometimes more. there were secrets being kept, lies being told, there was blame flipping, guilt tripping, and overall a clusterfuck of bullshit that just continued every single day. i even ended up in the hospital over an argument at some point and received nothing but radio silence from the other side.

the relationship began to rebuild my insecurity and completely reduced my self esteem. i’d started to feel so insecure in the relationship that my need for control began to grow, and i felt myself rapidly regressing in progress. it eventually became so unbearable that my npd traits entirely resurged at full force, almost as if my brain was taking on a different defense mechanism as my previous weren’t working.

this is where i start to get confused.

i think the first time that i realized i was back to square one was when i tried to break up with them for the first time.

there was an immediate reaction from my partner, and an emotional disconnect from me. it was like something in my brain switched off and everything that they did and said disgusted and irritated me. i’m sure you all get it and that i don’t need to go any further into detail.

i started to lose myself in that reaction, and was threatening to break up with them frequently, and reeling them back in when they’d stop fighting me back on it so that we didn’t actually have to break up. i kept going on about everything that they’d done and how they’d never change, how everything was their fault and constantly shaming and making them feel bad for what they’d done to me. i constantly got upset over old issues as i can never let things go, and would continuously make them apologize again, as my ego did not allow me to get over it and move on. even in arguments where i was correct, them being upset with me in turn made me lash out. i was so hung up on how extensively they’d mistreated me, how stupid it made me feel, how embarrassed i was, how angry that made me, and how hurt i was, completely blaming them for falling back into old patterns and allowing myself to give in to my behaviors because “i wasn’t the only one in the wrong.”

i had completely and utterly forgotten everything that i taught myself. it felt so much better to be in control, but i was dying with the shame of my actions with every day that passed, especially because i knew how hard id worked before trying to get myself out of that spot. i felt that i was disgusting and that id never be able to live it down. like i was going to be this way forever no matter what i did.

i started trying to backpedal mentally and fix everything by being honest with them during arguments when i felt that i could, even though i’d immediately regret it get angry with them, lash out, and cut them off later like it was their fault that i told them. it started to feel like i was constantly battling myself in my head, trying to stop myself from mistreating them, but no matter what i did i couldn’t control it. i’d become so insanely attached that a genuine breakup was entirely off the table. sometimes id tell them to leave me because i couldn’t do it myself, i would force myself into telling them it was only going to get worse as a way to hold myself accountable, though they obviously never left.

i stopped being able to tell who was to blame, and it ate at me everyday. i was so scared that i had entirely become the person that i was before, and that everyone was going to find out. i was scared of them leaving because i feared they would tell everyone how horrible i was, and that it would ruin everything. i felt such deep shame for the way i behaved with my partner, because despite everything i really did feel love for them in the way i was able to.

i eventually accepted that our relationship was beyond repair, and that i was never going to feel for them as i once did. i started contacting and seeing them less, trying to work on myself again. every time we spoke i’d get irritated, or something would happen and it would turn into an argument. we started going days without communication.

i impulsively broke up with them for good recently, and knew in my heart that if i truly wanted to work back toward recovery, i would have to remove myself from the relationship. it had become my biggest trigger, and was affecting external relationships and day to day life.

now as i’m trying to build myself back up, im struggling to reflect properly. even when i explain everything to other people and they tell me it’s not my fault, i am unconvinced. i know that i leave out the extent of my behavior by default, because fucking obviously i would, (i’m working on it) so i am unable to figure out just how wrong i genuinely am. i don’t even know if i’m allowed to feel upset about how they treated me, because i clearly fucked up as well. i really was trying my best. i truly, sincerely was. i had nothing but good intentions. i put so much into trying to make it work for so long, but i couldn’t handle it anymore.

we are still in contact, and i know that i should cut it off but i can’t. i still have this lingering fear that the second i block them, they’ll put me on blast for all of the world to see and it’ll follow me forever. ..and I’m also still a bit attached. (Sorry!)

does anyone have any thoughts? i feel so lost and i don’t know where to go from here. it was such a hard crash and i don’t know how to build everything from the ground up again. i’m not sure i have it in me right now. am i more in the wrong than they were? or can it be considered mutual