How do you live with yourself?
Genuine question as i suspect i have NPD. Ive been legitimately trying to get my therapist to take it seriously for over a year and they insist i dont have it. It just doesnt make sense, i only care about myself and wellbeing and will sacrifice it for others if i can remain comfortable. I dont have any true personality, just whatever i know the person wants from me and i care way too much about how im perceived. I need to be perfect or else i deserve to die.
I have also been a terrible person to everyone who has ever had the displeasure of getting to know me underneath the projected mask i wear. And the fucked up thing is i dont realize it. I thought i fell in love 10 years ago. I got into this relationship 1 month after my previous relationship ended, and i didnt heal from it. I just jumped right on to dating apps to get my fill of attention and validation. I met someone way way too good for me, and is one of the purest souls ive ever met. I went hard for her in the beginning bc its how i believe i felt. As soon as shit got serious and we made it official and living life together, i pulled back and became a fucking burden to live with, like actually worthless. I didnt realize i treated her so awful in general. I lied about so many stupid things bc i was too ashamed, things that wouldnt have been an issue in the first place if i was actually truthful and authentic. Its disgusting bc i feel like i loved her to the best of my ability and that was not how she felt. She feels i was controlling, vindictive, and cruel. It makes me so fucking disgusted and angry at myself bc i didnt realize the affect i had but even then its fucked up that i didnt. Bc why would you treat someone you love like that?
The cognitive dissonance i have is incredible. I can justify and reason anything i do, i cant do anything wrong of course! I literally cant stand myself and i cant change even a little bit. If anything ive just gotten worse, i care less and less and i just wanna double down being a piece of shit until i have the courage to fucking end it. The world would be so much better off without me thats for sure.