r/MilitarySpouse

This is a rant in full honesty.

I'm a OCONUS mil spouse (a newish mil spouse, and an even newer federal employee). When I first arrived to our current duty station, it took my 14 months to land this job - a GS-6. As it was the first offer I got, I JUMPED on it. I had my bachelor's degree at the time, and two years experience in psychiatric healthcare. It wasn't want I wanted to do, but unemployment was destroying my mental health.

I have tried applying to other jobs at our current location with no luck, and of course the hiring freeze minimized opportunity and the cuts had a GS-11 I had lined-up tossed to the trash.

Fast forward to now, we are preparing to PCS to another OCONUS location. So I'm preparing my end of things for jobs (still at the original GS-6). Since obtaining this job, I earned an MBA concentrating in Healthcare Administration. I know about the internal TIG (which I fully believe should have some waiver or something because a blanketed rule is BS). If I understand my mil spouse preference will often be subjected to TIG (please correct me if I'm wrong). I've been applying to jobs open to the public, and I am sitting with the hiring manager for a couple GS-9s and even a GS-12 (all are different series). But it is my understanding is that the tool that is supposed to help me (MSP) will not be considered as these positions were open to the public (again, please correct me if I'm wrong). I'm not against this being the case per se. I enjoy merit based competition, and I think I have a leg to stand on. It's just another way I feel like mil spouses are destined to struggle with their careers.

But on top of all this, I just found out about the two step promotion rule. Because my original plan at our new duty station was to pursue what I actually want to do in healthcare, but to also be realistic and open to other roles similar to my current one. If I pursued a GS-6 or 7, I was going to negotiate to a step 10 or 7/8 respectively as those are the closest steps to a GS-9 step 1. But it appears that this also won't be an option if I'm understanding correctly.

I'm just so mad and tired of being locked down when I can do and am qualified for so much more. I feel like I wasted my time. I graduated with my MBA at 21. I worked my ass off to set myself ahead - starting college at the age of 15, and because I fell in love with an Active Duty Service member... I'm boxed in to a role with no growth and limited financial opportunity. Why did I even bother. It's so disheartening.

And this is all IF I can land a job in a timely manner at our new base.

Are there other obstacles I'm missing between me and genuine career growth?

TLDR: I'm frustrated. This is a rant. I'm stuck at a low GS level because of TIG, 2 step rule, being overseas and a mil spouse despite having qualifications for GS-9 to 12 depending on the series.

My husband is on a year long deployment 4 hours away from me. We are at the half way mark. I see him every 2-4 weeks depending on our schedules, and we do not have kids yet. I actually just became an IVF patient. We moved states for this deployment so we could be in a bigger area, closer to family, and have lots of access to fertility an IVF clinics.
6 weeks ago, the day after our 8 year wedding anniversary, we were on the phone. Not fighting or anything. He got really short with me and got off the phone abruptly. These are both out of character for him. I sent him a text apologizing for whatever i had unknowingly done to upset him.

That night he sent me a mile long text listing all the ways I suck and have ruined his life. Terribly painful hurtful things. Mind you- i take great care of myself. The last 8 years i owned my own business and was financially stable. We’ve never cheated in r anything like that, and up until this happened, i thought we were best friends and soul mates. I stick to our budget and never go over. He has my location and i live with my parents. I’m back in school full time at community college for nursing.

In the past 6 weeks, he hasn’t reached out to me one time. It’s like he completely walked away from our marriage overnight. Every 2-3 days i text him and say i love and miss him and that im sorry for whatever i’ve done. 90% of the time he didn’t respond and never says i love you back. This has been the most gut wrenching painful experience of my life. He literally acts like i don’t exit. I had to get on anti depressants and anxiety meds.

The weird thing is that 3 weeks ago i said hey, im coming down to see you and that’s that. He didn’t fight back. We had a great evening together like old times. Great sex, great conversation. Since then, it’s like i don’t exist.

Next week is my last week of the school semester and then i plan on driving down to see him and get to the bottom of this.

This is the hardest thing i’ve ever gone through. He just changed overnight. Before this we weren’t fighting or anything. The whole point of me moving with him too was so that we could see each other every few weeks.

I know, he’s likely having an affair. What’s weird is that he’s been holding an investigation on other soldiers having an affair and he was always speaking about how disgusting people who have affairs are.

I can’t decide if he found someone else, is having a mental breakdown from the intense work load he has, or just doesn’t love me anymore. We are Christians and i never thought divorce was an option.

Any advice?

I just started using Tricare select and I can’t tell if it’s worth it. I had an eye appointment and had to pay almost $200 out of pocket for a “contact measurement. Now I need a dental crown and I have to pay like $800. Is this normal or am I getting scammed?

I need honest outside perspective on my marriage and finances because I feel like something has changed and I don’t know if this is normal.

When my husband and I first got together, I was working and we were both transparent about our finances. We could talk openly about what we each had, and there were no issues around access or honesty.

Since becoming a stay-at-home mom, things have changed. My husband now controls the main bank account and says I don’t need access because “it’s his account.” We do have a joint account, but he only transfers money into it when he feels like it.

If I ask how much money we have, he questions why I’m asking or refuses to show me. He says I don’t need to know what’s in his account.

There have also been specific situations that concern me:
- He transferred money for an oil change, then took it back when it was time for me to pay and told me to “figure it out.”
- My car (in my name) is now at risk of repossession because he decided he didn’t want to help with the payments anymore and told me to handle it.
- Our newer car is in his name, and he controls access to it. I have to ask for the keys, even though I’m the one with the kids most of the time.
- When he was overseas, I had power of attorney and used $300 for groceries and gas. After that, he removed my access.

We now have a newborn and shared responsibilities. I’m not trying to control money—I just want transparency and stability so I can take care of our household.

I’ve mentioned getting a job again, but he isn’t supportive and responds with “what about the kids?”

I’m trying to understand—Is this normal? How do couples usually handle finances in situations where one person stays home with the kids?

My husband is an O-6 in the Navy and I have filed for divorce. In the interim, I have filed a motion for temporary spousal and child support here in Virginia. He will be PCSing 3 hours away and our lease ends on 31 July.

I am a stay-at-home mom to 3 under 3, 2 of them with diagnosed special needs. A few months ago when I filed for divorce, he terminated our lease without my knowledge citing SCRA. However, it was never intended for me and the children to PCS with him due to their special needs and services genuinely being better here than where he will be PCSing. However, since I filed for divorce apparently that no longer matters.

Long story short, our PL hearing was rescheduled to 28 July, only days before the ending of our lease.

My STBX says on 31 July, he will end all utilities, cut off my cell phone, and restrict my access to the only credit card that I am an authorized user on. Other than that I have no access to any accounts or financial information. He keeps me completely in the dark and only sends money if I ask for it, and even then it's nickel and dimed.

He says that I need to figure out housing by 31 July, essentially claiming he is in his legal right to "cut me off" even though we are still legally married. He says if I "can't secure housing" he will take the children with him.

He also expects me to start paying the note by refinancing on the vehicle I use to transport the children to therapies, doctor's appointments and pre-school. If I cannot obtain financing, according to him, he will take the vehicle also.

He is $200,000 in debt (of which I know nothing about), took all of the $16,000 tax refund and I have no idea of where the money went, and he retained an attorney that 1) claims he is well within his rights to essentially continue this financial abuse and 2) tried to pressure me to sign a PL agreement that gives him full custody during the summer months, pay me only $800 in temporary spousal support, and only $1500 in child support.

I know as his legal dependent he can't just leave me on the street, but I don't have an attorney and the clock is ticking.

The rent on our current home is $4100. I was depending on PL relief to either take over the lease or find a new residence for my children and I. But with the judge continuing the PL hearing that is no longer an option. I have no money for an attorney and do not qualify for legal aid.

I figure I can reach out to his command, but I don't know where to start as he is currently at NDU (national defense university).

I figure I will try to make a few appointments with legal assistance offices at local bases, and I want to file a motion to reconsider and subpoena financial records, but that all seems impossible on my own, especially within such a short time frame.

I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for exactly. Just any insight you may have I guess ☹️

Hi everyone! I'm hoping to get some advice as I start planning travel for my husband's Air Force BMT graduation at JBSA Lackland. I'm really excited but also a little nervous — I'll be traveling alone as a woman to San Antonio, a city I've never visited before, and I don't have much travel experience in general. This will also be my first time doing anything military-related, so I feel like I'm going in completely blind!

A few questions I'm hoping the community can help with:

How long should I plan to stay?I've seen conflicting info, some sources mention a town pass on the Saturday of graduation week, but other videos show families only spending time with their trainees on Wednesday and Thursday. I want to make sure I book flights and a hotel for the right window without missing any time with him.

Is the base easy to navigate on graduation day? Are there clear signs, guides, or staff to help visitors find where they need to be? I don't want to show up and feel completely lost.

Any general tips for a first-time solo female traveler heading to San Antonio? Safe areas to stay, places close to base, things to watch out for, how to get around anything helps.

I may be his only family there, so I really want to show up prepared and make the most of this trip for both of us. Any advice from those who've been through this is so appreciated. Thank you! 🤍

hi! To give some context, my husband & I(23F) are newly married & are living together for the first time. He also recently joined the military & we of course have been moved to the base he’s at now while he continues his training (already went through OCS).

I have the privilege of not having had to scramble for a new job once moving since I work remotely. I work 50-60+ hours a week M-F & have long nights a decent amount of the time. Before moving out here I had lived at home & as I’m sure you all know, taking care of yourself while living at home is MUCH easier than caring for yourself and another person.

I’m struggling to adjust to taking on all of the household responsibilities, shopping, cooking etc while working all those hours. I’m addition, I can’t really do many chores during the weekend bc my husband wants to spend time together and gets upset if I eat into our time together by doing chores. So he actively stops me from doing them on the weekends (cooking not included bc we still need to eat lol).

He wants me to have all the housework, shopping, cooking etc done before he gets home since I work from home. This has been causing me to run around all morning & while I work to try to get everything done. Because of this I have been prioritizing everything else & have had no time for me. I don’t watch TV, I don’t read, I don’t do any of my hobbies, I make it to the gym maybe once or twice when I normally would go 5 times a weeks, I don’t take a lunch break while working, I only work, do housework & am out on the weekends enjoying my husband while dreading all the incomplete things at home and the upcoming work week.

How do working military spouses adjust to meet the needs of our partners?? I know he is wiped out when he gets home & and he just wants to spend time with me. But this isn’t sustainable and I need to have some time to take care of myself. Note, I am more than happy to support him in the ways he needs as he is studying and taking on this new lifestyle, it’s just a matter of figuring out how to keep both of us happy.

Please give me some advice with balancing schedules or making systems while being a working military spouse😭🫶🏻 also, we don’t have kids rn so I’m not spending time parenting🙏🏻

hello :)

first time mom here to the sweetest little baby. it’s also my husbands first deployment. they let him come home for a few weeks for both the birth and some time with the baby.

after his leadership told us multiple times that they “most likely” would let him stay home since there’s not much time left in his deployment, we were told recently that he actually has to go back. didn’t get my hopes up in the first place, but still sucks.

for the most part, i coped pretty well the whole deployment while pregnant. focused on our pets, my hobbies, etc. but adding a colicky baby and PPD into the mix has me wondering how I’m going to handle it all.

I know postpartum hormones probably just have me feeling overwhelmed and sensitive. I know he won’t be gone nearly as long this time. But both sides of our family are on the opposite side of the country. I have a few friends here but we aren’t super close. Really, I have no one here.

Anyhow, my venting is over, I would just appreciate any advice from anyone who’s been in my position before :/

Im not sure if this is the right word for it but i am feeling really jealous of my husband who is deployed right now.

He got short notice deployment last month and i was devastated at first especially with the current global landscape. Fortunately he got deployed in Europe so its non hostile/combat.

He and his team are now fully settled in. And have their schedule/shifts in place. They would get 2-3 days off and they would usually go out and explore Europe with how close the countries are in there with their bullet trains.

I am happy they are having a good time which is very well deserved. But also cant help but feel a little jealous.

They are not in a barracks and is staying in the hotel on base. They get to travel and sleep in and be comfortable on their days off.

Meanwhile, i am taking care of the kids, still working full time and left to manage everything at home.

We would talk/facetime and he would be in bed comfortable while I make dinner, or have a clingy child climbing all over me. I have to do bedtime, while he walks leisurely and goes to the gym.

Im feeling horrible for feeling this way. I want to be supportive and mature but I cant help but just feel a tad bit jealous of the life he is living right now.

I love our kids and love taking care of them, i love my husband and glad he is safe. Im just having a little pity party for myself apparently and I cant help it. I just needed to vent.

I’ll be honest, everything sucks. We’ve been together 5 years, he’s been in the military for 4. Everything was fine we had an apartment with roommates, he joins the military, goes to boot camp while I keep working. Had to change jobs last minute right before he left bc they cut my hours and I wouldn’t have been able to make rent. New job paid okay, but without his income I had to ask family for money. That should have been my first sign.

He gets out of boot camp, we move to his duty station. And by we I mean I move completely by myself because he doesn’t have time to come back to our hometown to help me, and I unload the truck and set the house up alone bc he’s at work. I can’t find a job for 6 months, and I have to hear about it almost every day. I finally find something at a restaurant and it covers groceries and not much else. I get told I’m not doing enough.

Practically had to fight him to get a joint account set up before I found a job, until then I’d just have to wait for him to be off to go grocery shopping so he could either come or i could take his card. Things got a little better after I got a job, but not by much. He wants me to go back to school, I want to save up so I don’t have insane debt to pay off from it.

He wants a baby, practically begs for almost two years, and like an idiot I agree. End up in the psych for a week at 6w pregnant, and when I get home the house is a train wreck, his friends that he had over helped me do the dishes and sweep and everything else he neglected while I was away. I work my dead end restaurant job until I’m 37 weeks pregnant, get induced at 39 weeks. Okay.

We move to his new duty station when baby’s like three months old. He’s mad I can’t help him move very efficiently, as if I’m not taking care of an ebf three month old. Can’t find a job her either, baby’s now almost 1. He wants me to work, but also doesn’t want to pay for daycare.

I have to hear about how I don’t contribute anything to this family bc I’m unemployed and not in school, so clearly I’m not making an effort to better myself. I speedran getting an insurance license back in December, took me two months, but I was never able to make any sales in my three months of trying. I worked with my mentor with the company I was with and just couldn’t get sales. I had to buy the leads and there was never enough money in the joint for me to buy more than 40 or so bad .47¢ leads at a time after groceries.

All I hear about is how much debt we’re in from buying the house, and we just had to get a new car bc mine shit itself so I’m driving his old one and he’s got his almost-new dream car. He’s barely home, and when he is he’s almost always telling me that I’m not doing enough. He doesn’t pick up after himself, he doesn’t help with the baby or the pets. Everything that’s not making the money is my responsibility.

Every career idea I come up with he shoots down for one reason or another. A couple months ago he asks me why I didn’t pursue the first career idea I had almost two years ago that he spent almost a month shooting down until I didn’t care anymore

I ask for grocery money and he gets huffy and then gets mad that I shopped at a discount grocery store, but when I don’t he’s upset that the money didn’t get very much. He wants me to cook meals, but he’s either never hungry when he gets home or whatever I made isn’t good, or he wants something else.

Our sex life is in the gutter bc a) I’m always exhausted b) the baby wakes up at the worst times and c) I’m tired of having sex with someone that makes my skin feel too tight, especially when I get nothing out of it.

Baby’s been getting teeth this week and so he’s been bitching because “he hasn’t been sleeping well bc of the noise” I’m sorry that our child that YOU wanted is having a hard time bc they’re in pain and it’s causing you problems. How do you think I feel buddy? You want to kill yourself? Well so do I. I think about it every single day. He wakes me up every morning getting ready for work and 7/10 times he’ll use it as an opportunity to tell me what I’m doing wrong. And it’s the same almost every night before bed, and god forbid the baby wake him up bc then I have to let them cry in their room while I hear about how much his life sucks.

This is the life HE wanted, the house, the car, the wife, the baby and he has it but he does nothing but complain about it because it inconveniences him or some shit. Nobody asked him to join the military, he did that so we could “have a better life” and now we’re both miserable.

I don’t know how much more I can take. I want out but I have nothing. No job, no money, no savings and now I’m stuck with a kid I caved to having. I love them to death, but I regret them every day because they’re just another thing making me dependent on this man. Every day I think about how I almost killed myself when I was a teenager and every day I regret not doing it. This is not the life I wanted, but it’s the life I’m stuck with now until I can figure out a way out.

Any advice is welcome, and I already know I’m stupid, so please don’t tell me that.

I hope that is the case. I had 2 bad experiences trying to book with doctors who accept Tricare Prime. Never ended up going (one canceled day of!) and just continued seeing my usual doctor

We are moving 16 hours away from home. I have severe ADHD and have been taking medication for it for a few years now. According to the pharmacies local to our new base, my doctor cannot send over Schedule II drug prescriptions since he is not licensed in the new state.

I have heard that Tricare Select is better and easier to deal with and would like to switch over as soon as we move if it is possible.

Hi everyone! Quick question, does anyone know if tricare select covers visits with a nutritionist if I have a referral from my PCP?
I’m looking into getting some support to lose about 30 lbs of baby weight and would love to understand what’s covered

Hi all,

My husband is on a long TDY for training across the country (technically a PCS for how long the training is). He is retraining I happened to get pregnant right before he left. I stayed behind to work at my job for a couple more months. I was supposed to fly there next month to be with him. I’m on the west coast and he’s in the south.

Today, I found out I have placenta previa and I cannot fly because of it. Driving isn’t an option bc the training will be over when I’m 34w and I am not driving 25 hours back heavily pregnant.

I am devastated he is going to miss almost my entire pregnancy and possibly birth. I don’t know how to cope and I’m a mess. This baby is a miracle as I have two infertility conditions and I was told I would never have children. This will likely be our one and only baby. It’s times like this where I hate being a military spouse. Any advice is appreciated.

Hi there! This is my first post on Reddit, so I am sorry for any errors. I am a new military spouse. What would the graduation week look like, and what travel plans should I make as I am bringing my spouse's little brother to attend his graduation?

Would I need to bring items for him to settle into Tech School? I am seeing conflicting replies in other posts about them leaving for tech on Friday. Do I make plans to stay the weekend, or wait to hear from my spouse?

Also, we are flying into San Antonio and want to know what the best hotels/ motels would be in the area, as well as the fact that we need help with navigating, as we are not driving.

What would be best for transportation?

Just want to make sure I am covering all bases, so anything I have not considered or thought about, feel free to let me know!

Thank you so much, and I appreciate you all for taking the time to read and reply. :)

My fiancé is in AIT right now until November I think

Im worried that my mental and physical health conditions will impact his future station's. I do not have anyone i can stay with, and cannot be left in another country by myself due to my complex medical and mental health history

My issues are very very severe and I have several conditions that are rare and difficult to treat

Idk if it helps but ill list my diagnoses, I am on disability and all of these were reported and verified by medical personnel I have to state this because this list is insane

Mental health wise I have:

Bipolar 1 with psychotic features present only during mania (I am in remission for this and havent had an epsiode because I am medicine compliant and on the correct dose)

Autism spectrum disorder level 1

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Specific phobia, other (emetophobia)

Once again this is diagnosed clinically I have a huge trauma background hence why I can't stay with anyone else because the only people I know is my family and theyre the reason for my trauma

Dissociative identity disorder

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

Neurological:

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia syndrome primarily hyperadrenergic (hyperPOTs)

Epilepsy (controlled by medicine)

Tourette syndrome (controlled by medicine)

Physically:

Gastroparesis (I have a surgical g j tube for tube feedings, i also have a port implanted for fluids)

GERD

LPR

Intermittent Pericricoarytenoid muscle paralysis

Esophageal dysmotility

Intestinal dysmotility

Celiac disease

Classical-like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Scoliosis

Asthma

And a few more im forgetting

We are about to start the process for EMFP its taking a while to gather documentation because my mental and physical health history is very long

Im scared that all of this would impact him in some sort of way maybe its my parents words getting into my head but I could really use some advice and reassurance

Tysm for reading this far

He's always been a bad/dry texter. Same with calling. You usually have to do the first step whether it's with me, friends of family. I knew this and expected this but now it's been a little over a month since he left for deployment and I am struggling hard. It never bothered me as much in the past cause we used to see each other often then moved together.

I don't mind not texting constantly, but it's more so the fact I need to initiate it and the conversations. We still haven't facetime since he left.

It bothers me in the sense that I feel like I'm alone in this as all the other spouses around me gets phone calls every 1-2 days, constant texting. If I'd have friends around me in similar situation, I think it would make it better. And it's not because he's too busy, he does actually have time to text but he spends his time either napping (which is fair, he does work long days), or watching TV

Anyone in a similar situation or has been in one? How do you deal with it? I do have hobbies but any downtime, I just constantly think about it.

My husband is getting out later this year and I am really struggling with it. Of course I want him to be happy and I know how hard the military has been on him mentally. I’m so excited that he will actually be able to be home permanently, but this is also not easy at all.

I feel frustrated and that he is getting out with no real plan. He doesn’t have an idea of what kind of jobs he wants. I feel like he has the idea that because he’s an officer and has Naval Academy connections, something is just going to fall into his lap. I feel like he’s a little ignorant to the actual civilian job market right now. I told him to find a mentor or hire someone to write his resume, but he doesn’t do it and then submits his resume to jobs just for them to get immediately kicked back by the automatic system. It’s so frustrating watching him.

I feel resentful that I am going to have to be the provider in this transition because I worked hard to get a degree and a high paying remote job (which I also hate and work 50-60+ hours a week). I don’t have the luxury to give up my high income like he’s doing right now. Now I have to be sole provider, make sure we have health insurance, leave all of my friends and family to move to his hometown, etc. all while I’m going through infertility treatments. Like we really want to start a family but now he’s quitting his stable job that provides us everything?!

I feel so frustrated, but I also feel like I am being so selfish because I know being in the military is a huge sacrifice. I’m sorry for the rant but I don’t know who else to talk to about this. I love my husband very much but this is one of the hardest times we have been through.

Summary: I am a military spouse currently living in South Korea with our two young children. My marriage is under significant strain due to longstanding financial secrecy, repeated debt issues, and what I now believe may be compulsive gambling behavior by my husband. Over the years there have been large amounts of missing money, undisclosed loans, sports betting charges, overdrafts, and inconsistent explanations regarding our finances. I recently uncovered additional evidence that has heightened my concerns and left me feeling anxious, overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and unsafe financially within the marriage. I am seeking support to process the situation and determine healthy next steps.

Context: I am just having a hard time right now. I am a military spouse located in South Korea. We moved here recently and have two children all under 6 years old. My marriage is in a very strained state. We have been married for 8.5 years and dated for 3. We have had numerous problems regarding finances, and I just don't know where to go from here. There have been numerous large financial issues throughout our relationship and a lot of secrecy.

The big instances are when my grandmother passed away we received an inheritance of 250,000 in 2019. We paid off our home at the time approximately 185,000 and what was left I think we put in a savings account. I am pretty sure the leftover sum was gone by the time we moved. Other than spending approximately 5k on the rest of my bachelors I could not tell you what it was spent on. We sold the house in 2021 when we moved out of state and got back approximately 220k that was put into a join savings account. I know when we first moved in that we were dipping into savings some for furniture and we used 50K on a new vehicle and both of our masters degrees. I can account for approximately 70k of the 220k. I do not know what happened to the other 150k. I found out about this around 2023 but when I found out we had 5k left. I was noticing that something fishy was happening with our finances and confronted him. At the time he also had a personal loan out for 10k in which he had given the money to his father. I was hurt that he lied to me for so long and that our savings was gone. we outlined a strict budget and I told him that if he ever did something like this again we would have to divorce.

This has created a lot of distrust in our marriage on my part. The finacial problems have continued. I kept seeing charges to our account from draft kings. I know that he did sports betting but I dont think i ever imagined the extent that this is going on. His stepdad left him 100s of vintage pokemon cards in his will and my husband was getting them graded and he explained that he was doing this through PSA via draft kings. January 2025 he thought we were getting our tax return that week and he used his whole paycheck on draft kings saying it was paying for a big batch of cards to get graded. Well the tax return didnt come and that was a big issue because we were broke and had to make it 2 weeks until the next pay day. He started working uber eat to help out and we came up with another strict budget.

October 2026 we were gifted 10k by his mother and most of that money was used to fund a trip to Tokyo. Flights, hotel, Disney, other excursions. When I asked about where the rest of the money was he said hotels are very expensive out there. Which brings us to now and the only thing that was purchase for this trip was flight vouchers for 5 people round trip from Seoul to Tokyo and I don't even know if that is true.  I am seeing questionable spending habits multiple charges 100s of dollars at a time out through paypal or apple pay. 1,600 charge for what looks like a payday loan. Money missing from out join robin hood account. Against my better judgement i looked at some of the browser history on our home computer. I found multiple sports booking website searchs, mlb score watches and multiple loan searches all right around the same time.

I also have not seen our tax return. I was not deposited into our join account this year. It was between 6-9k allegedly. Since we pay our rent, utilities, and internet through our realtor in cash and he was going to be on a work trip for 40 days we discussed using some of the money to pay ahead but allegedly the whole return was given to the realtor, and honestly at this point I don't believe him.

He brought up about a month ago that he had finally paid off his credit card and for the first time since before we met he was debt free. He also told me at that point that he was 30k in debt when we first met. I asked him why he never told me and he said that he was scared I would leave if I knew. I feel like I have been lied to this whole relationship and marriage. I am seeing clear signs of out of control gambling. To the point that our account was overdrafted for over 24 hours when he was leaving for his work trip leaving me in south korea with 2 young children praying that there would not be an emergency in the 48 hours until the paycheck hit.

Money is not everything and I really dont care how much we do or dont have coming in the door. I just want us to be responsible with what we do have. He brings in enough for us to be more than comfortable I just dont feel safe in this marriage anymore and I am trying not to bring this up with him for the last month because this work trip is high stress and a lot rides on it for his career but I am physically nauseous over this whole issue. I dont know what to do.

I know you all probably see posts like this a lot, but I really just need to vent.

My husband was supposed to be gone for 6 months, and I just found out it’s now going to be 9. This is the third time his return date has been pushed back, and I honestly feel like I’m one breakdown away from completely losing it.
This is his first deployment, and we really had no idea what to expect. I know he’s dealing with a lot where he is, and I try my best to be strong and support him, but I’m having a really hard time supporting myself right now.

I work full-time, and on top of that I drive an extra 30 minutes both morning and night just to take my dog to daycare. I’m grateful I can afford it and that she loves it, but the reality is it turns my day into about an hour and a half of driving morning and evening. It’s exhausting, and it’s starting to wear me down.

I don’t really have a support system nearby—both my family and his are across the country. Most days it just feels like I’m doing everything alone.

What’s been hitting me the hardest lately is social media. Every time I open Facebook or TikTok, I see homecomings and spouses being reunited. I’m happy for them, I really am, but it also breaks my heart a little more every time because I just want that to be me. And right now, it feels like it never will be.

I’ve heard a million times, “this is what you signed up for,” but that doesn’t make it easier. I feel like I’m losing my mind some days.
I don’t go out much I’d rather just stay home with my dog. I was also doing school on top of work, but I had to pause because it became too overwhelming. I told myself I’d pick it back up when he comes home… but now that feels so far away.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or even just some encouragement from people who get it. This extension hit me harder than I expected, and I’m really struggling.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

Do deployment affairs last?

Do deployment affairs last? He trauma bonded with someone in deployment. I don’t know if she’s another solider or a contract worker. Just messed up. What’s the chance of them lasting? We are married with kids Thanks