Thinking about leaving
I’ll be honest, everything sucks. We’ve been together 5 years, he’s been in the military for 4. Everything was fine we had an apartment with roommates, he joins the military, goes to boot camp while I keep working. Had to change jobs last minute right before he left bc they cut my hours and I wouldn’t have been able to make rent. New job paid okay, but without his income I had to ask family for money. That should have been my first sign.
He gets out of boot camp, we move to his duty station. And by we I mean I move completely by myself because he doesn’t have time to come back to our hometown to help me, and I unload the truck and set the house up alone bc he’s at work. I can’t find a job for 6 months, and I have to hear about it almost every day. I finally find something at a restaurant and it covers groceries and not much else. I get told I’m not doing enough.
Practically had to fight him to get a joint account set up before I found a job, until then I’d just have to wait for him to be off to go grocery shopping so he could either come or i could take his card. Things got a little better after I got a job, but not by much. He wants me to go back to school, I want to save up so I don’t have insane debt to pay off from it.
He wants a baby, practically begs for almost two years, and like an idiot I agree. End up in the psych for a week at 6w pregnant, and when I get home the house is a train wreck, his friends that he had over helped me do the dishes and sweep and everything else he neglected while I was away. I work my dead end restaurant job until I’m 37 weeks pregnant, get induced at 39 weeks. Okay.
We move to his new duty station when baby’s like three months old. He’s mad I can’t help him move very efficiently, as if I’m not taking care of an ebf three month old. Can’t find a job her either, baby’s now almost 1. He wants me to work, but also doesn’t want to pay for daycare.
I have to hear about how I don’t contribute anything to this family bc I’m unemployed and not in school, so clearly I’m not making an effort to better myself. I speedran getting an insurance license back in December, took me two months, but I was never able to make any sales in my three months of trying. I worked with my mentor with the company I was with and just couldn’t get sales. I had to buy the leads and there was never enough money in the joint for me to buy more than 40 or so bad .47¢ leads at a time after groceries.
All I hear about is how much debt we’re in from buying the house, and we just had to get a new car bc mine shit itself so I’m driving his old one and he’s got his almost-new dream car. He’s barely home, and when he is he’s almost always telling me that I’m not doing enough. He doesn’t pick up after himself, he doesn’t help with the baby or the pets. Everything that’s not making the money is my responsibility.
Every career idea I come up with he shoots down for one reason or another. A couple months ago he asks me why I didn’t pursue the first career idea I had almost two years ago that he spent almost a month shooting down until I didn’t care anymore
I ask for grocery money and he gets huffy and then gets mad that I shopped at a discount grocery store, but when I don’t he’s upset that the money didn’t get very much. He wants me to cook meals, but he’s either never hungry when he gets home or whatever I made isn’t good, or he wants something else.
Our sex life is in the gutter bc a) I’m always exhausted b) the baby wakes up at the worst times and c) I’m tired of having sex with someone that makes my skin feel too tight, especially when I get nothing out of it.
Baby’s been getting teeth this week and so he’s been bitching because “he hasn’t been sleeping well bc of the noise” I’m sorry that our child that YOU wanted is having a hard time bc they’re in pain and it’s causing you problems. How do you think I feel buddy? You want to kill yourself? Well so do I. I think about it every single day. He wakes me up every morning getting ready for work and 7/10 times he’ll use it as an opportunity to tell me what I’m doing wrong. And it’s the same almost every night before bed, and god forbid the baby wake him up bc then I have to let them cry in their room while I hear about how much his life sucks.
This is the life HE wanted, the house, the car, the wife, the baby and he has it but he does nothing but complain about it because it inconveniences him or some shit. Nobody asked him to join the military, he did that so we could “have a better life” and now we’re both miserable.
I don’t know how much more I can take. I want out but I have nothing. No job, no money, no savings and now I’m stuck with a kid I caved to having. I love them to death, but I regret them every day because they’re just another thing making me dependent on this man. Every day I think about how I almost killed myself when I was a teenager and every day I regret not doing it. This is not the life I wanted, but it’s the life I’m stuck with now until I can figure out a way out.
Any advice is welcome, and I already know I’m stupid, so please don’t tell me that.