r/CPTSD

i’ll wake up and get ready, and walk for sometimes up to 14 hours straight. i’ll give myself minimal breaks, usually only stopping to use the restroom places or to refill my water. somedays i’ve gone until i’ve collapsed, then i just lay there, get up when i can, and then keep going. it’s all i know what to do right now. it feels like im trying to run from something but idk what.

whenever i walk past restaurants or coffee shops and i see couples, friends or anyone sitting around and talking and laughing with each other i break a little inside. it feels like there is a chasm separating me and everyone else in this world and i don’t know how to get over it. everyone’s on the other side living what seems to be a pretty great life and im stuck alone in the dark unable to ever join any of them. the emptiness i feel and the grief i feel surrounding who i could have been had so many things in my life gone different makes me just want to keep walking and walking. the abuse i went through and the extreme trauma i went through were hell, but the loneliness that’s come as a result of surviving that is genuinely the worst thing i’ve ever gone through and i don’t think it will ever end. i’m surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people and ive never felt more alone.

Last year while driving to work at a clients house, I spotted an injured monarch butterfly on the side of the road that couldn't fly. I pulled over and kept it safe in an open box with a bunch of colorful flowers for it. It also let me pick it up and would rest on me.

My client has a granddaughter, a child younger than 10, nicknamed "Poppy," who arrived and was both amazed and concerned for this butterfly. I asked them to take care of it that day so I could work, and she was thrilled.

I'm told I became something like a role model and she asked about me and the butterfly frequently, when ever she arrived she would search for me to come see me and talk, and always asked how this butterfly was doing.

Flash forward to this year, and for some pretext I've literally been having one of the worst weeks of my life. I'm at a breaking point in my family and have slept in my car multiple times.

But Poppy returned again, after almsot a year, and she never forgot me or what I did. She asked if I still had it, I told her the butterfly recovered and flew away last summer, and she showed me this adorable butterfly hat she wears kw and that butterflies are her favorite. And something about that made me teary, and then when she left with her grandmother, I started crying my eyes out.

I don't have my own kids, and probably won't, haven't even had a friend or relationship in almost 10 years now because of the C-PTSD and clinical depression. I've been in a very bad place lately so in a cruel world where it feels like the adults don't care anymore, this kid saw my humanity and trusts me like I'm some kind of super hero over one small act of kindness. I hope I inspired them to care for animals. I would protect them at all costs.

I am trying to get therapy for my C-PTSD, I think I have it because of the constant nightmares and hyper vigilance and the multiple events that may have caused it. It is very difficult to live normally these days.

I found a therapist who is OK. She forgets what I say a lot, and wants me to look her in the eyes and not fidget, she said treat every session as a test, but she is nice otherwise. I tried to tell my therapist what was going on at home. I told her the tiniest bit about how sometimes I feel unsafe with my dad.

She told me she had to call the police. She told me I was a vulnerable person because I have autism and rely on my parents for support needs. She said as a mandatory reporter she is legally obligated to report safety concerns.

I was devastated because I am an adult. I am capable of a lot of things. I had to convince her my fear was just intrusive thoughts for the entire rest of the session.

I feel worried because how will I ever be treated for my trauma if when I talk about it, providers will call the police on me? I am just really overreacting and I don’t know why I am scared and having these nightmares and reactions to them.

Did I say something wrong? Does anyone have any advice for getting help?

I don't know why it never made sense to me before. I have had partners in the past who mentioned they feel jealous of whatever pet I had at the time. They joked they knew they would always come second to the pet.

I used to always laugh at the joke and found the idea silly. Now that I've done more self reflection however, they were right. I did love the pets more.

I think a lot of us yearn for radical acceptance and unconditional love when it comes down to it. And we have a hard time showing that type of acceptance and love to ourselves. But our pets? They just love us, some in their own quirky ways, but they do. They give us what so many of us search for. Not only that, but they don't abandon us. They help us heal so many wounds with just their presence and a well timed head butt.

So if you've been in the same boat before, and have loved your pets dearly, to the point people joked about it, don't ever feel ashamed about it! Take it as yet another sign that you are deserving of love and acceptance.

And if you haven't ever had a pet, if you can afford it, perhaps look into getting one to help you along your journey. If that's not an option, maybe volunteer with a shelter.

Try to see yourself through their eyes, and let their love soothe part of your soul.

honestly, aside from parental abuse i went through, it's all the crazy bullying as a child that affects me to an insane level.

all the insecurities; apologizing, making myself smaller, misunderstanding deprecating "jokes", fearing judgement.. flinching & constant anxiety/jumpiness due to all the physical bullying. the involuntary age regression when something triggers me... i could go on about all the behaviors that CPTSD causes in me, and surely many many of you.

maybe this observation is false, and i'm seeing something wrong, but oh my god, childhood bullying- and just bullying in general is taken so lightheartedly. due to pop culture, media like movies and books, it's like we are desensitized to how truly devastating it is to a child's development. especially if their parents aren't really present. (be it emotionally and or otherwise...)

i feel so stupid blaming so many of my more "pathetic" behaviors being so obviously a result of the school experiences i went through. i wish there was better representation for this. i wrote an article about it last year, but i didn't explore the cptsd part of it much.

do any of you have school experiences that traumatized you? if yes, let's talk about it. i'm feeling quite alone in this.

I’ve realized my main survival pattern now as an adult is masquerading as over-functioning. I learned early that showing distress got me punished, dismissed, or hurt, so I adapted by staying composed and getting things done even when I’m not okay.

A lot of my survival has also been about choosing between impossible situations just to get through the next moment. Literally choosing one form of interpersonal harm for another just so I can have a hot shower, a roof over my head, and some support long enough to heal a bit to actually make some headway in my own life.

Becoming small, non-reactive to DARVO, accepting of dehumanization, degradation and humiliation. Believing wholeheartedly its what I deserve and loving those who harmed me almost unconditionally due to the way I've been conditioned.

I. Hate. My. Survival. & Trauma. Responses.

I almost wish I was a weaker person because maybe I wouldn't have adapted like this.

What's the point?

If nobody likes you because the people that birthed you didn't give a fuck so since the only source of unconditional love isn't available all that's left are superficial shallow relationships?

Nobody wants to be around because they deem you the defective one not the parents. I'm not defective but deficiant but no one cares they only ever want to invest their love to winners that already have enough love to last them a lifetime. Isnt funny how much people gush over celebrities and the such meanwhile homeless people on the street continue to be ignored. It has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with human nature.

All that's left for me are chats with ai and weekly therapy with a person that looks at me like I'm some bug. Socializing is for normies who want to exchange little pleasantries. Where am I supposed to go to find love?

Also if one more person tells me to adopt a dog I'm going to lose it. I need a person that loves me back not some pet.

I literally can't do anything. Five years as a NEET and I don't see anything worth doing when Im not wanted anywhere. No career. Cant move either because Im not welcomed anywhere.

I would say "whats the point" and I can already imagine the responses. One telling me Im some learned helpless whinner and another telling me that truth is we are slaves for the elite to harvest us until they no longer need us lmfao. Some people have things in their lives that distract them from this fact. What do people without vices do?

Sort of a question for the older people here—do things really get better? It's something I've also questioned in myself. Despite just being a teenager, there hasn't been a year in which I wasn't subject to different kinds of trauma. I've got yet to take a break from it. I don't even know when this'll all end. Does it even have an ending? Is it possible to even get help? How can you cope with everything that's happened? I find the notion of that as something so inspiring, brave really—and yet I can't do it myself.

Edit: Wow, I can't even bring myself to reply to all of this. It feels so wholesome and like, understanding in a way that warms my heart. Thank you so much for all of your responses, I didn't think this would gain a lot of traction.

I am doing it.

I have started the process of the lengthy, legal process of going after the state for my abusive childhood and the loss of income.

I am turning 50 in a few days. I am sitting here feeling scared, proud, worried, but determined. It took me 30 years to go no contact, and I never told anyone what happened in that house as a child, except my therapists and a few close friends.

What happened ruined my life in so many ways, I managed to get a higher degree and worked in a very high paid job when I suddenly got an acute mental health crisis that lasted 6 years. DID, PNES, C-PTSD, SH and psychosis and endless hospitalizations. And now I am on welfare.

So.

I was looking at my picture of my brother that took his own life years ago, and I felt this powerful feeling in my chest and and I told him "I am fucking going to do this for you too, it's for both of us"

No more hiding, no more protecting someone who deserves nothing but punishment, If I win I will get not only a financial solution to a very hard life situation but I will win my life back, I will end the cycle of being stepped on and just taking it. I'm done. I'm on a warpath and I will stop at nothing to take my abusers down.

I just really needed to share that with someone who knows how hard this is, how hard it will be, but I know many people in here will support me.

Thank you if you read of of this, and I wish nothing but the best for you all.

It’s not fair that a child undergoes abuse for their entire life and then has the daunting task of healing from that abuse and the abusive parents just get off Scott free

Am I the only one that finds this Ridiculous?

Not trying to be a victim here but I honestly just laugh to myself sometimes, ALOT.

I'll never understand abusing a child. I don't have kids and I don't need to have kids to know that my mom was just wrong and my parents low-key had no business even having children. Not saying what you think I am. Aside from intense episodes of suicidal ideation I'm glad that I'm alive. But, it just gets to a point where it is truly Ridiculous.

I don't wanna work. I don't wanna worry about working. And I'm tired of work being all that life is and I've always struggled to work. Always struggled to keep a job. And I am struggling to finally get away. And my body knows. Nothing, nothing matches the grief that begins to accumulate.

Parents are undiagnosed, dad has adhd, mom's on the spectrum and has ocd. Her side of the family has it so aside from how cptsd has made me unravel there also are hereditary components.

Depending on where you are in the world it just feels like we're being asked of too much, and then some? Not everyone had an identical experience but also having grown up sheltered and isolated, what was I supposed to be able to achieve here?? would someone like to tell me?

would you guys consider this to be sexual abuse? when i was around 4-8(?) my grandpa used to take me out back into this wooded area of his property where no one could see and literally beat the shit out of me with switches he would find, the ones that he knew would hurt most and wack me as hard as he possibly could until i couldn’t even walk and or i was bleeding. i’m diagnosed audhd and i didn’t really listen or behave well as a child so the only punishment i got from my grandpa was him making me pull my pants and underwear down and hurting me. i don’t know what to consider it as and my parents said it’s not sa. i was the only girl young in the family at the time and the only kid who had to pull their pants fully down for him and thinking about it makes me so scared. it stopped when i started developing more and taking form. i also swear he did something else but i can never remember i always feel like more happened but i can never put my finger on it unfortunately no matter how hard i think about it. i talked to more of my family about it because his children got spanked too but i was the only one who had underwear exposed.

in addition i remember him getting mad at me one time and pulling his car over into a random parking lot with my grandma and my grandmother on my mom’s side ( who was literally horrified ) and dragging my knees onto the concrete until they bleed so badly i could barely walk.

he almost got the cops called on him for attempted assult of a child at a wedding recently and it makes me sad to see he’s never changed.

i’m 20 now but i think it’s given me a lot of issues and i genuinely think my potential bpd started from some of this? is that even possible. i always feel so stuck and lost and disgusting for letting him do what he did to me. he is notoriously not a good person and my grandma has never really stepped in or said anything even though she’s witnessed a lot of it happening. i know his kids ( mainly the girls ) grew up very scared of him and would hide when he came home.

i can’t get professional help at the moment but when i’ve talked to my past therapists about the spanking part they’ve never really said anything so it’s always left me with a lot of questions.

I just got rejected from another therapist during an intake because I sounded “too depressed” and highly recommended I should do in person therapy, which I told her I can’t do because I mainly use a walking aid to get around town and I am in need of intensive levels of therapy. She told me I would benefit more from an outpatient program, which I have already completed last year. I haven’t even been hospitalized since like two years ago after having a panic attack. what the hell is therapy even about at this point.

I've tried a lot of things. In a lot of parts of life. I've tried therapy and not only did it make me worse, I'm still in debt 8 months later because they told me my insurance would cover it. they covered 12 dollars. 12 dollars from each 800 dollar visit. Not only did she make me worse but I'm stressed about being in medical debt.

But if I tell people I've tried therapy multiple times and it didn't help, they just blame you. they tell you you didn't actually try or that you need to try harder. people use "go to therapy" as some silver bullet against you. it's such a privileged thing to be able to say, because clearly they haven't had to deal with it themselves, or the consequences of "getting help"

I've tried medication and I became an SSRI zombie, I felt like I was being chained down inside of my own brain, but it made me docile. a docile, obedient little wage cuck. "oh but you were better" no, I just wasn't a human being for a month. you don't want me to get better. you just act like giving me cookie cutter advice makes you a good person. you act like me telling you it doesn't work makes me a bad person because I "don't want help" because I've taken your sub brick IQ advice before you gave it and it DIDN'T HELP

Try to make friends? ok, try meetup apps/sites, forums, subreddits, discords, just walk up to people irl and talk to them. none of it works. in fact, people get really upset when you interact with them. like, really upset. they get mad when you try talking to them.

oh, that social advice doesn't work? you couldn't find anyone online who'd stick around? didn't fit in with online communities? you just weren't compatible with some people? well obviously you're a creepy weirdo loser freak incel because my advice didn't work for you, because my advice didn't work for you.

instead of nobody being at fault because that advice didn't work for one person, you're actually a bad person who doesn't ever want help because you've legitimately put in effort. because I've legitimately tried so hard in my life to get better but it always falls short, no. actually because everyone else knows better, that means you actually never tried and you just want to complain. People wanna claim to be mental health advocates and throw you under the bus the moment your issues aren't solved by a pat on the ass and a "cheer up oomfie"

I hate people so much. I feel so alone because nothing I do is ever enough and if I tell people I've tried they just get mad and accuse me of not trying, never trying. that Im where I want to be. because fuck me. it's impossible for people's best efforts to bare no fruit apparently. anyone trying their best and failing obviously never actually tried. Unless it's them of course, of course if they try and fail they deserve pity. Not me though. Fuck me.

Iv been with my current boyfriend around 2 year, my previous long term relationship was very abusive and I do have cptsd as a result. I get triggered by loud noises, shouting etc. My current boyfriend is aware, he raised his voice once not directed at me but I literally froze then totally freaked out for days, once I had managed to calm a bit I explained the reasons why my body reacts the way it does and he apologised and since then he has always been supportive. However the other day on a drive the woman’s voice on the sat nav was really loud. I was like why has she started shouting at me? He then started laughing and said is she going to trigger your ptsd and you got to pull over and sit in a trance all scared and shaking.
I didn’t reply as I as shocked he could make such a joke and Iv never brought it up since, however I can’t stop thinking how he could come out with such a thing. This happened 4 days ago and I’m unsure weather to bring it up or not

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Every single interaction with someone ,who doesn’t suffer from severe cptsd and has barely any traumatic experience , feels like a constant trigger and confrontation of my own shitty life. I’m fucking done trying to act “happy” when i hear others have a good family , friends , good childhood.

I'm still lonely as fuck, I still have trust issues over my friends even a tiny bit of they've done something wrong I would nitpick on it and ghost them or avoid them without looking into their perspective. I genuinely think IT'S my fault for being socially shit, I do not talk about drama or whatever is going on with (name person's) life in their usual conversations. I would still remember back in first semester, in our circle of friends I wasn't picked or looked at during pairing or groupings.

It's my fault that my nervous system automatically LOCKS into dissociation mode or hypervigilance, every single detail to keep myself safe only for it to backfire and end up in the deepest pits of suffering. Why can't I enjoy the present moment? why am I SO silent? why can't I think OR respond to any of their conversations?

Maybe that's why they don't trust me because I am not talkative enough or vulnerable enough, I would rather die on the mountain than experience emotional anguish from being vulnerable.

Can you help me?

Or will you sit there and do your method onto me?

Will you get stuck behind what you’ve been taught instead of being with me?

I know there are psychiatric conditions where people need medication and structured methods.

I’m not one of those people. I just never had a real person to be with me and to engage with me in my worries, my feelings. Be that competent someone I never had.

That’s all I’m looking for.

I want you to engage directly with me.

With me.

With ME.

And I want *you* to be real as well. I can’t connect with you if you’re not there for me to connect to.

If I go quiet I don’t want you to “ I’ll sit here and wait”, I want you to ask “what happened, was it something I said?”

Just like you would with a normal person.

I am a normal person, just with an extreme inexperience around having people try to meet me.

I feel like after 30+ failed therapists that I surely must be the common denominator and that if I could just stop being so difficult then maybe I could get some connection.

Yet it’s strange because I’m always open for it? I’m always hoping and eager for it.

But it never comes.

Well. Here and there with random nurses and bus drivers yes, but not from the people trained to help me.

I’m right here. Why am I invisible?

It makes me feel crazy.

•••

(I do try to share what I need with therapists but it feels really vulnerable and I don’t trust that they’d want to relate that way. On and off they can really be unprofessional and hurtful too so I’m weary of that as well)

Constantly feel guilty for how messed up I feel considering it maybe wasn’t that bad.

Backstory mum has possible bpd, waif/witch variation, I grew up an only child, dad left before I was born and met him again when I was 13.

It’s so hard to put my finger on but pretty sure my mum has displayed pretty disturbing behaviour. She is the classic ‘I must be the worst mother in the world’ type when I bring up anything.

My mother was allowed to have all the feelings, below are some examples of such feelings or experiences, I wasn’t allowed them if I got angry she got more angry sometimes till she was shaking and spit came out of her mouth.

Anyway here’s some things which felt out of place:

- when I was 6 or 7 she told me I might have to take the wheel on a highway because she was having a panic attack (don’t remember any aftercare for this towards me) I understand and am empathetic towards panic disorders but she was often mean during this and has no care about how it might effect me as a child

- I would have to be her escort through crowded places or cities as she would get dizzy so when we were out she would hold onto my arm, I was a child

- when she had a panic attack she would sometimes say why I was doing this to her if I didn’t exactly care for her in the way she wanted like knowing she might having a panic attack driving on certain roads or taking her to to crowded places

- when I met my dad for the first time I was very stressed and didn’t know how to regulate myself I heard her say she stops eating when she’s stressed figured it’s a good idea, got an eating disorder, she also became pretty thin at the same time family members were worried about her she was getting so thin, she never bothered to ask how I was actually feeling I know this is fucked but it almost felt competitive she was doing that??

- when I lost my v card I dunno why but I told her maybe because I thought it was the right thing to do (probably due to enmeshment) she went into the bathroom and started smashing things in anger.

- her long term partner told me on a night they went out whilst she was drinking she tried to open the door whilst they were driving because they were fighting (suicide threat covertly?)

- after us talking about a family friends suicide that happened after an argument with his wife, the next thing she said is ‘gosh I don’t know what I would do if we had a big fight…’ (covert suicide threat?) also often says ‘I don’t care if the plane goes down that I’m flying on’

- constantly the victim, always some kind of tragedy resulting in her hysterically crying, sometimes she’d make out like she’s dying like having a thyroid nodule she basically made out like it was cancerous, or she had a small skin cancer she had to get burnt off or some kind of pollup? In her cervix, so made out like she would die, 20 years later she is fine, well besides she has central pain syndrome from a workplace injury and ptsd she says from workplace bullying she is now on disability and severely depressed… well more then what she was before.

- I look on a lot of other families and it looks so fun and easygoing my mum seems genuinely depressed most of the time I guess she was often the victim the poor single mum but I dunno what a burden I felt like

- I found some cards I written her that were so caring and empathetic saying I’m so sorry mum your going through such a hard time etc, I have no idea what it possibly could of been, probably just all the exaggerated tragedies

- often would see her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying in fights with other adults such as a boyfriend and my aunty (who were really nice) also she’s about 30-35 at this stage which is around my age which is fucked I would never act like that

- would love bomb me telling me she loves me like 20 plus times a day, then on other days silent treat me and darvo me

- she was a pastry chef and one time I wanted to make macaroons to sell at a market I made some and she said they were not good enough to sell at the market instead of teaching me how to do it when pushed why she wouldn’t teach me she said baking is ‘her thing’ and she wanted me to find my own thing in some weird fucked competition way

There’s ALOT ALOT more but there’s a lot here

After all this I feel severely stunted I tried to be as normal as I could be but it resulted in me being very anxious and ocd as a child, as a adult incredibly desperate for connection socially just off the mark I would say I’m extroverted but emotionally am so dependent on people liking me it consumes me, I’m quick to anger and feel totally all over the place in terms of identity feelings and basically feel like a 15 year old, I’m 35 now.

Sorry for the rant just want to get a perspective on if how I turned out is valid or I’m just fucked