It's a curse to be avoidant
I'm still lonely as fuck, I still have trust issues over my friends even a tiny bit of they've done something wrong I would nitpick on it and ghost them or avoid them without looking into their perspective. I genuinely think IT'S my fault for being socially shit, I do not talk about drama or whatever is going on with (name person's) life in their usual conversations. I would still remember back in first semester, in our circle of friends I wasn't picked or looked at during pairing or groupings.
It's my fault that my nervous system automatically LOCKS into dissociation mode or hypervigilance, every single detail to keep myself safe only for it to backfire and end up in the deepest pits of suffering. Why can't I enjoy the present moment? why am I SO silent? why can't I think OR respond to any of their conversations?
Maybe that's why they don't trust me because I am not talkative enough or vulnerable enough, I would rather die on the mountain than experience emotional anguish from being vulnerable.