u/throwAway8765644

Am I the only one that finds this Ridiculous?

Not trying to be a victim here but I honestly just laugh to myself sometimes, ALOT.

I'll never understand abusing a child. I don't have kids and I don't need to have kids to know that my mom was just wrong and my parents low-key had no business even having children. Not saying what you think I am. Aside from intense episodes of suicidal ideation I'm glad that I'm alive. But, it just gets to a point where it is truly Ridiculous.

I don't wanna work. I don't wanna worry about working. And I'm tired of work being all that life is and I've always struggled to work. Always struggled to keep a job. And I am struggling to finally get away. And my body knows. Nothing, nothing matches the grief that begins to accumulate.

Parents are undiagnosed, dad has adhd, mom's on the spectrum and has ocd. Her side of the family has it so aside from how cptsd has made me unravel there also are hereditary components.

Depending on where you are in the world it just feels like we're being asked of too much, and then some? Not everyone had an identical experience but also having grown up sheltered and isolated, what was I supposed to be able to achieve here?? would someone like to tell me?

I started working a part time again and it's hard. It's hard being a person that was never cared for before. In every relationship I've been the person that cares too much, never cares about themselves, and accepts so much mistreatment.

I'm exhausted and that's putting it very lightly. The little frustrations really get me going. That's where I've been at. My life hit rock bottom in several areas a few years ago and no one around me has cared or stretched out a hand. I don't even get validated unless that validation comes from me or from strangers online.

I literally never feel like myself anymore since I live with my parents. Now it's been a mission to reclaim myself in parts and pieces. But I am severely triggered. Constantly..

I hate when people say stuff like this to anyone because it's so incredibly dismissive and incorrect to just assume in most contexts..

Sometimes people say this kind of line just to continue overlooking the problem because their fine with the music playing and don't care about that one person.

Haven't had this exact thing said to me but I've dealt with the types that try to use this form of "logic" and it just doesn't apply to abusive and dysfunctional families where the one standing all alone is usually in the right about alot of things..

If not Everything.

The grief stacks up fighting battles that no one can see but probably can feel. Going unseen and unheard is heavy. Especially when it starts in your family and remanifests again out in the world.. I think about everything so much but lately the only advice I see is how talking about your trauma won't heal it. And I agree. It's the bigger things that do like finding community or connection. Stepping outside of your comfort zone, things that'll literally rewire your brain and eventually your nervous system over time.

This week I made a mistake, even though consciously I know I didn't, and it set me back. This constant need to be perfect, even throughout the mundane things in life.

But I'm glad that it "happened." Because who wants to carry all of that anyway? Don't we have permission not to be perfect at all times?? Can't I just be myself.

It makes me mad thinking about how genuinely fucking difficult and exhausting my mom made my life for me.

And if you wait for love to find you, you might never have it. For years I've been telling myself that I'm going to die. Die when it's inconvenient. When I finally get somewhere in life. When things finally get better. It's probably all the grief.

Imagine suddenly waking up to how much you've been suffering all your life because you were in fact abused at home. But it's wasn't physical abuse so everyone gets to treat you like you're just crazy because its what's most convenient.

So much grief.

Other stuff piles on and that point you start to finally burst at the seams..

You finally start to scream but by then it's "too late." That message comes from a large crowd. Gotta find a better one,

and yourself..

Thanks for listening.