u/TadpoleEmbarrassed93

I've tried a lot of things. In a lot of parts of life. I've tried therapy and not only did it make me worse, I'm still in debt 8 months later because they told me my insurance would cover it. they covered 12 dollars. 12 dollars from each 800 dollar visit. Not only did she make me worse but I'm stressed about being in medical debt.

But if I tell people I've tried therapy multiple times and it didn't help, they just blame you. they tell you you didn't actually try or that you need to try harder. people use "go to therapy" as some silver bullet against you. it's such a privileged thing to be able to say, because clearly they haven't had to deal with it themselves, or the consequences of "getting help"

I've tried medication and I became an SSRI zombie, I felt like I was being chained down inside of my own brain, but it made me docile. a docile, obedient little wage cuck. "oh but you were better" no, I just wasn't a human being for a month. you don't want me to get better. you just act like giving me cookie cutter advice makes you a good person. you act like me telling you it doesn't work makes me a bad person because I "don't want help" because I've taken your sub brick IQ advice before you gave it and it DIDN'T HELP

Try to make friends? ok, try meetup apps/sites, forums, subreddits, discords, just walk up to people irl and talk to them. none of it works. in fact, people get really upset when you interact with them. like, really upset. they get mad when you try talking to them.

oh, that social advice doesn't work? you couldn't find anyone online who'd stick around? didn't fit in with online communities? you just weren't compatible with some people? well obviously you're a creepy weirdo loser freak incel because my advice didn't work for you, because my advice didn't work for you.

instead of nobody being at fault because that advice didn't work for one person, you're actually a bad person who doesn't ever want help because you've legitimately put in effort. because I've legitimately tried so hard in my life to get better but it always falls short, no. actually because everyone else knows better, that means you actually never tried and you just want to complain. People wanna claim to be mental health advocates and throw you under the bus the moment your issues aren't solved by a pat on the ass and a "cheer up oomfie"

I hate people so much. I feel so alone because nothing I do is ever enough and if I tell people I've tried they just get mad and accuse me of not trying, never trying. that Im where I want to be. because fuck me. it's impossible for people's best efforts to bare no fruit apparently. anyone trying their best and failing obviously never actually tried. Unless it's them of course, of course if they try and fail they deserve pity. Not me though. Fuck me.

I'm looking for friends who have similar interests, I'm a shut-in who only really leaves the house for work. I don't have any irl friends and my interests primarily consist of Videogames, Anime

I have a lot of series that I like, my long time special interests consisting of CoD Zombies and Fate, both of which have been major fixations of mine for years, CoD zombies being one I've had for over a decade and Fate arguably being the series I've fallen for the hardest.

I would like to find friends who I can play games with, or maybe watch stuff with and discuss media with. If you're bisexual and have been excluded from or been unable to fit into queer spaces/communities and/or share similar interests with me i'd be happy to receive a DM.

forgive me if I'm awkward or my messages look dull or uninterested I'm just really awkward and bad with social interaction even online

I'm bad at forming relationships and socializing, I struggle to fit in in public and am so used to shutting myself in that I feel uncomfortable around people. I only really leave the house for work.

I have the typical shut-in interests, spending most of my time inside playing games or watching stuff. I enjoy watching and analyzing media I feel passionate about and better understanding why I enjoy the things I like, or why I don't like the things I don't like. My long time favorite series are CoD Zombies and the Fate series.

I'm also working on an analysis/critique/review of a series I have a lot of strong feelings about, which I've never done before.

my sleep schedule is pretty bad and I'm kinda awkward even online. chronically depressed, exhausted and lonely. I want friends but I feel like I'm incapable of it. I would like to have a friend group again someday but I don't know if I ever will.

I don't really know what all to put here. I'm kind of a loser. I suck at socializing and have been unable to find anything in my area to meet people. I don't really know what to do anymore.

I'm really into Fate, CoD Zombies both classic and modern, and Terraria which I've spent an unhealthy amount of time in recently. I have a lot to say about certain media and like to yap.

if you're really into Fate, tell me your favorite character, if you're really into zombies, give me your favorite map.

I'm working on a creative project but I've been very inconsistent on it.

I basically only leave the house for work. I don't really do stuff. I'm a social outcast.

I apologize if I seem cold initially

I'm incredibly sleep deprived as I write this, apologies if this post seems scatterbrained

I've tried to understand what's wrong with me. despite my best efforts, faking it till I make it, trying to be kind, helpful and useful or just staying in my own lane and keeping my mouth shut and my head down, whatever course of action I take I've drawn in negative attention and actions.

I've told myself that it wouldn't make sense for people to inherently treat me or look at me differently than others. something like that lacks a logical through line. It would make sense for a handful of people but most of my time in school and work have seemingly looked down on me, treated me poorly or attempted to do wrong onto me unprovoked. Lying, attacking even people who have gained my trust just to hurt me worse than anyone else.

it's something I've never understood, that I've over thought my actions to the point of driving myself to headaches and tears trying to understand "what am I doing wrong? what did I do? something provoked this action, this response. people don't do things for no reason."

I've attempted improving my hygiene, dressing more simply, I've attempted to better my social skills through interactions but it's hard when most people won't even give you the time of day (literally). I've tried taking notes, writing out my verbal and text interactions and studying them like it's a college course. but I just don't understand. I just don't.

but finally. something happened that made me feel like maybe that feeling was right. maybe I'm just inherently looked at differently by people.

I'm not liked at my work. despite trying my best to make this workplace different than my previous ones, I put my best foot forward, trying to be kind, helpful and personable. however despite these efforts, I could tell in the tone and eyes of my colleagues that despite trying my best, they didn't like me. the person who taught me my job taught me less than half of what I needed to know, two coworkers attempted to get me fired because I "make them feel uncomfortable" my managers have made unsubtle jabs at my weight and physical capabilities and have thrown the book at me on technicalities so I always feel like my livelihood is in danger.

then the new hire came around. day one he's given a warm welcome, everyone is greeting him, everyone is asking him thing's. at several points during his first week the people in my part of my workplace would not work and just chat with him, but then when I would I'd be told "work and talk" unlike everyone else, and one of my coworkers decided to shame me in front of him by making up a rule and pointing out loudly that I wasn't following the made up rule. I was stunned and couldn't even defend myself because of my utter disbelief.

I thought at the very least he seemed like a good guy so I tried making friends with him, but he snaked me, spreading lies about how I didn't put in as much work as everyone else despite the fact that he's a total slacker. It was such nonsense even the coworker I've beefed with most called it out. the guy who trained me taught him everything and has become friends with him, everyone treats him well and things I've had the book thrown at me for, he's been given a free pass.

it's just so blatant it's almost funny. I really have tried to understand, but it feels like every attempt to understand why people are the way they are about me has been thrown in my face by this guy starting at my work. given a warm welcome instead of my cold, uninterested one and treated like a welcome addition instead of a reluctant one.

I continue to refuse that it's beyond my understanding but I fear I just can't logic or learn my way into being liked. it's like this guy was sent to throw my worst fear in my face. that people just naturally dislike me.

I've tried to understand what's wrong with me. despite my best efforts, faking it till I make it, trying to be kind, helpful and useful or just staying in my own lane and keeping my mouth shut and my head down, whatever course of action I take I've drawn in negative attention and actions.

I've told myself that it wouldn't make sense for people to inherently treat me or look at me differently than others. something like that lacks a logical through line. It would make sense for a handful of people but most of my time in school and work have seemingly looked down on me, treated me poorly or attempted to do wrong onto me unprovoked. Lying, attacking even people who have gained my trust just to hurt me worse than anyone else.

it's something I've never understood, that I've over thought my actions to the point of driving myself to headaches and tears trying to understand "what am I doing wrong? what did I do? something provoked this action, this response. people don't do things for no reason."

I've attempted improving my hygiene, dressing more simply, I've attempted to better my social skills through interactions but it's hard when most people won't even give you the time of day (literally). I've tried taking notes, writing out my verbal and text interactions and studying them like it's a college course. but I just don't understand. I just don't.

but finally. something happened that made me feel like maybe that feeling was right. maybe I'm just inherently looked at differently by people.

I'm not liked at my work. despite trying my best to make this workplace different than my previous ones, I put my best foot forward, trying to be kind, helpful and personable. however despite these efforts, I could tell in the tone and eyes of my colleagues that despite trying my best, they didn't like me. the person who taught me my job taught me less than half of what I needed to know, two coworkers attempted to get me fired because I "make them feel uncomfortable" my managers have made unsubtle jabs at my weight and physical capabilities and have thrown the book at me on technicalities so I always feel like my livelihood is in danger.

then the new hire came around. day one he's given a warm welcome, everyone is greeting him, everyone is asking him thing's. at several points during his first week the people in my part of my workplace would not work and just chat with him, but then when I would I'd be told "work and talk" unlike everyone else, and one of my coworkers decided to shame me in front of him by making up a rule and pointing out loudly that I wasn't following the made up rule. I was stunned and couldn't even defend myself because of my utter disbelief.

I thought at the very least he seemed like a good guy so I tried making friends with him, but he snaked me, spreading lies about how I didn't put in as much work as everyone else despite the fact that he's a total slacker. It was such nonsense even the coworker I've beefed with most called it out. the guy who trained me taught him everything and has become friends with him, everyone treats him well and things I've had the book thrown at me for, he's been given a free pass.

it's just so blatant it's almost funny. I really have tried to understand, but it feels like every attempt to understand why people are the way they are about me has been thrown in my face by this guy starting at my work. given a warm welcome instead of my cold, uninterested one and treated like a welcome addition instead of a reluctant one.

I continue to refuse that it's beyond my understanding but I fear I just can't logic or learn my way into being liked. it's like this guy was sent to throw my worst fear in my face. that people just naturally dislike me.