Feeling superbly fucked up but not sure if I should be: emotional neglect/ mother daughter enmeshment, possible bpd mother
Constantly feel guilty for how messed up I feel considering it maybe wasn’t that bad.
Backstory mum has possible bpd, waif/witch variation, I grew up an only child, dad left before I was born and met him again when I was 13.
It’s so hard to put my finger on but pretty sure my mum has displayed pretty disturbing behaviour. She is the classic ‘I must be the worst mother in the world’ type when I bring up anything.
My mother was allowed to have all the feelings, below are some examples of such feelings or experiences, I wasn’t allowed them if I got angry she got more angry sometimes till she was shaking and spit came out of her mouth.
Anyway here’s some things which felt out of place:
- when I was 6 or 7 she told me I might have to take the wheel on a highway because she was having a panic attack (don’t remember any aftercare for this towards me) I understand and am empathetic towards panic disorders but she was often mean during this and has no care about how it might effect me as a child
- I would have to be her escort through crowded places or cities as she would get dizzy so when we were out she would hold onto my arm, I was a child
- when she had a panic attack she would sometimes say why I was doing this to her if I didn’t exactly care for her in the way she wanted like knowing she might having a panic attack driving on certain roads or taking her to to crowded places
- when I met my dad for the first time I was very stressed and didn’t know how to regulate myself I heard her say she stops eating when she’s stressed figured it’s a good idea, got an eating disorder, she also became pretty thin at the same time family members were worried about her she was getting so thin, she never bothered to ask how I was actually feeling I know this is fucked but it almost felt competitive she was doing that??
- when I lost my v card I dunno why but I told her maybe because I thought it was the right thing to do (probably due to enmeshment) she went into the bathroom and started smashing things in anger.
- her long term partner told me on a night they went out whilst she was drinking she tried to open the door whilst they were driving because they were fighting (suicide threat covertly?)
- after us talking about a family friends suicide that happened after an argument with his wife, the next thing she said is ‘gosh I don’t know what I would do if we had a big fight…’ (covert suicide threat?) also often says ‘I don’t care if the plane goes down that I’m flying on’
- constantly the victim, always some kind of tragedy resulting in her hysterically crying, sometimes she’d make out like she’s dying like having a thyroid nodule she basically made out like it was cancerous, or she had a small skin cancer she had to get burnt off or some kind of pollup? In her cervix, so made out like she would die, 20 years later she is fine, well besides she has central pain syndrome from a workplace injury and ptsd she says from workplace bullying she is now on disability and severely depressed… well more then what she was before.
- I look on a lot of other families and it looks so fun and easygoing my mum seems genuinely depressed most of the time I guess she was often the victim the poor single mum but I dunno what a burden I felt like
- I found some cards I written her that were so caring and empathetic saying I’m so sorry mum your going through such a hard time etc, I have no idea what it possibly could of been, probably just all the exaggerated tragedies
- often would see her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying in fights with other adults such as a boyfriend and my aunty (who were really nice) also she’s about 30-35 at this stage which is around my age which is fucked I would never act like that
- would love bomb me telling me she loves me like 20 plus times a day, then on other days silent treat me and darvo me
- she was a pastry chef and one time I wanted to make macaroons to sell at a market I made some and she said they were not good enough to sell at the market instead of teaching me how to do it when pushed why she wouldn’t teach me she said baking is ‘her thing’ and she wanted me to find my own thing in some weird fucked competition way
There’s ALOT ALOT more but there’s a lot here
After all this I feel severely stunted I tried to be as normal as I could be but it resulted in me being very anxious and ocd as a child, as a adult incredibly desperate for connection socially just off the mark I would say I’m extroverted but emotionally am so dependent on people liking me it consumes me, I’m quick to anger and feel totally all over the place in terms of identity feelings and basically feel like a 15 year old, I’m 35 now.
Sorry for the rant just want to get a perspective on if how I turned out is valid or I’m just fucked