u/bb5055

i’ll wake up and get ready, and walk for sometimes up to 14 hours straight. i’ll give myself minimal breaks, usually only stopping to use the restroom places or to refill my water. somedays i’ve gone until i’ve collapsed, then i just lay there, get up when i can, and then keep going. it’s all i know what to do right now. it feels like im trying to run from something but idk what.

whenever i walk past restaurants or coffee shops and i see couples, friends or anyone sitting around and talking and laughing with each other i break a little inside. it feels like there is a chasm separating me and everyone else in this world and i don’t know how to get over it. everyone’s on the other side living what seems to be a pretty great life and im stuck alone in the dark unable to ever join any of them. the emptiness i feel and the grief i feel surrounding who i could have been had so many things in my life gone different makes me just want to keep walking and walking. the abuse i went through and the extreme trauma i went through were hell, but the loneliness that’s come as a result of surviving that is genuinely the worst thing i’ve ever gone through and i don’t think it will ever end. i’m surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people and ive never felt more alone.

do the dishes or clean up your laundry dude, this is genuinely embarrassing and i’m ngl makes you highly clockable. it’s embarrassing to live with a tr**** roommate, makes me regret moving in with an AMAB

for over two decades i operated under this idea that eventually someone would come into my life and save me from this. they would fix me, give me stability, the unconditional love i’ve fought for my whole life, and i’d be better.

that’s actually never going to happen. it doesn’t matter who comes in, how much they try and help me, and how healthy they are for me. i’m stuck like this. i’m just stuck broken. i’ll never be like other people.

i’ve been in therapy for a while, have had 6 psych hospital stays, and have cycled through supportive loved ones. pulling them in and then pushing them away. things have only gotten worse and worse and worse. i really can’t do this anymore. i’m really really tired.

i was raped as a kid and was subject to all manner of horrible horrific abuse for the remainder of my childhood and teen years. now i’m just fundamentally broken. everyone hates me for being a trans woman, everyone who finds out i have BPD hates me for that, and if they don’t care after a long enough time of getting to know me they eventually do too.

my therapist has helped me tap into my real sense of self and it’s just pain. it’s just an endless well of fear, suffering, and grief. that’s all i am. that’s all i ever got the chance to be.

i’ve been running into so much ableism in ever facet of my life. with medical professionals, friends, work, and especially online. a lot of people know about BPD now and they all think we are irredeemable monsters.

am i even a human being? am i just some inhuman evil thing that was put here to suffer and make others suffer? i’ve known two other people with BPD in my adult life who died by suicide before the age of 30. i’m 29 and i don’t think i can make it that far

hahahahahahahahahahahahah what???????? dude there’s no way!!!!!!!!!!?????? that’s a dude!!!!!!!! had me fooled but then she (wait is that a he too?) grabbed his boner! lmaoooo just boys being boys, albeit disgusting on some deep fundamental level. man he’s more hung than me, crazy that something with tits could ever be packed like that.

i want to be pretty so badly. i want people to look at me and see a girl. i have severe gastritis and hyperpots and my inability to stop losing weight is destroying my body, making my disability even worse, preventing me from working, causing my entire life to fall apart. i’ve been to the er twice about this and no one cares. i have lost such an extreme amount of weight in such a short amount of time but even still whenever i try and get help for this i am brushed off. i am scared and i dont want my body to fall apart anymore. my hair is falling out, my nails are constantly getting torn up my bed, i dont have the energy to even do basic things like do the dishes. i just want help for this. how do i get help for this?