u/xDelicateFlowerx

I’ve realized my main survival pattern now as an adult is masquerading as over-functioning. I learned early that showing distress got me punished, dismissed, or hurt, so I adapted by staying composed and getting things done even when I’m not okay.

A lot of my survival has also been about choosing between impossible situations just to get through the next moment. Literally choosing one form of interpersonal harm for another just so I can have a hot shower, a roof over my head, and some support long enough to heal a bit to actually make some headway in my own life.

Becoming small, non-reactive to DARVO, accepting of dehumanization, degradation and humiliation. Believing wholeheartedly its what I deserve and loving those who harmed me almost unconditionally due to the way I've been conditioned.

I. Hate. My. Survival. & Trauma. Responses.

I almost wish I was a weaker person because maybe I wouldn't have adapted like this.

Feeling so weak and lightheaded already. Haven't even begun drinking full bottle of miralax. Only took first two ducolax tablets. I need to take two more 3 hours after I finish the 48 ounces of liquid clearlax.

This sucks, lol. And I still have to drive in the morning to appointment.

So, my GI likes adding Miralax cap fulls about 1 to 2 for a week before the prep day. I'm already losing sleep and feeling really anxious about the process. I feel like this is almost especially come 24 day before prep where I will need to take 4 ducolax tablets and 64 oz Gatorade with 238gm of Miralax. I'm really considering cutting ducolax down to two tablets spaced out and continuing low residue/restriction diet for the rest of the week.

Also, how do you keep everything sanitized and clean during the process, lol? Im considering buying gloves and extra cleaner.

Has anyone else reached this point? I have GAD, and panic attacks. I'm maxed out on my Buspar 60mg and had to move to benzos as PRN just to get minimal relief. My anxiety has been at max level for a long time. And I am not sure where to go from here and wondering if others have found ways to manage it. Or if anyone can just relate to be living in a constant anxious state even with years of treatment.

For full context, I inserted myself in a sub, and made a comment that misaligned with the echo chamber. This led to me being doxxed and banned from sub for disinformation. My posts in other subs were attacked and I was shamed for a particular interest. I was then attacked for having CPTSD and told I am too *fucked-up* to even choose such interest for myself.

This was one of the few times I've had my history of trauma weaponized against me. Women did this which isnt surprising but yeah. Does having CPTSD make me too fucked up to choose things for myself? While simultaneously making easier to bully and dehumanize in online spaces?

Has anyone else been bullied or harm directly due to having CPTSD? And told you arent capable of making decisions for yourself?