r/Arrangedmarriage

Fiance and her family are too much into cars. She is so used to having travelled in her dad's car, her cousin's car and her brother's car.

Only during her education phase, she used to travel via travels private bus, which she rarely uses nowadays.

She and her family think that train, auto and bus are all substandard.

I don't have a car, I was not planning to buy either. I have always travelled by AC train, AC bus for intercity travel. For within city travel, I prefer auto for long distances and two-wheeler for short distances and rarely cab.

Post roka, I got to know that a car is non-negotiable for her. So, we made a middle ground that she would buy a car soon after wedding (I am buying a 1.5 Cr flat). She wants to buy an automatic 20L car (sure, as long as she can afford the EMI, can contribute to some household expenses and maintains some savings/investments).

I have a driver's licence, but I'm not much interested in driving. She likes driving, she's a novice too, but willing to master driving once the car is bought.

She also says no one from her family travels by auto, train or bus. I used to think that this was due to the fact that there's no train station in her hometown, however she later said that all her relatives staying in Pune-Mumbai too don't use train.

Is a car a must these days?

Added more details to answer comments:

I've already clarified that I will try to increase my confidence to drive, but if I don't get the confidence, she will have to take the driving load herself. So, I won't become her personal driver. But, will she insist on hiring a driver later? Maybe!

We talked about expenses before roka. She used to say she spends like 10-15K per month, but that was because she lived with her brother and sister-in-law and never spent money on household stuff.

So, 10-15K was her own expenses like makeup, salon, shopping, and occasional travel. For other things, her family doesn't let her pay.

I also said that I like independent people and she would have to use her money for her own expenses.

She knew I travel by train, auto. But, she never questioned me before roka. She says she thought bachelor guys may travel by any form.

She said she thought everyone usually buys car post wedding for family comfort.

All the wrong doings are being corrected. We hardly see any dowry being forced.. chores are managed by both( not always) and people are trying to treat each other equally. But one point remains same.

Why do women always need someone earning equal to or more than what they earn? And a women working in India are happy to marry someone who has settled abroad but dont even bat an eye on someone who is in India if the girl has settled down abroad even if the guy is ready to relocate.

When everywhere people are trying to he equal, why do you guys want to upscale through marriage? Why not think of building a life together?

I'm just too curious to know.. I'm sorry if I've hurt someone's sentiments.. but yeah i want to know this.

Thanks in advance ✌️

How do I ask a prospective arranged marriage candidate whether he is a feminist without outright asking him? Because

1. He might try to change his answer depending on what he knows of me

2. He may get too scared of the word 'feminist' while maybe being an ally without actually understanding what these words mean

I'm almost 30, F (my beloved mother thinks it is 3 years too late for me and the market is too bad) so I'm officially involved in the search now and I'd like to filter guys out at the outset as much as possible without having to waste my time in getting to know someone whose social beliefs and value system won't align with mine. So what should I ask him maybe indirectly or by giving him a hypothetical situation so that I can gauge what he thinks?

Besides this anyone who has gone through the process themselves or is currently in it and has any other tips on topics besides what I've asked about, always open to hearing others out.

Thanks a lot in advance

Hi everyone, I really need honest advice.

I (34F) got married 5 months ago in an arranged setup to my husband (39M). I’m working full-time and currently travelling around 3 hours daily for office.

Before marriage, we didn’t meet much or have long calls. Most communication was through messages because I take time to open up. I had told him I’m available to talk anytime and we could connect on WhatsApp due to network issues, but he didn’t initiate much. In person, conversations were basic and he always behaved like everything was fine and he understood me. But later on messages, he would bring up the same topics with a completely different POV. He also said he couldn’t remember my likes/dislikes and once accused me of replying late (which rarely happened), and when I showed proof, he changed the topic. This inconsistency started even before marriage.

After marriage, expectations became very different. He expects communication like movies/TV serials (filmy conversations, romantic expressions, constant engagement). I’m a reserved person and not expressive that way. For me, bonding needs time, comfort, and emotional safety. I even told him I’d be more comfortable if things happen naturally, but he expects a specific “wife-like” behaviour based on what he has seen. When I share a different perspective, he calls it “feminist thinking” or says I should follow normal norms of a wife. Because of this, he feels I’m not interested and says I have no emotions or effort.

We live with his family. I took time to adjust, but that was seen as lack of effort. Complaints include not initiating things (groceries, planning), staying in my room, and not engaging enough. Personal matters were also shared with family instead of being discussed with me, which made me feel constantly judged.

Physical intimacy has been difficult. He tried to initiate closeness at night while I was asleep, which made me uncomfortable. When I said I need time and emotional comfort first, it was taken as rejection. This created pressure, and instead of feeling close, I started feeling anxious and tense.

His behaviour is very inconsistent—sometimes caring and emotional, sometimes harsh and blaming. He has said things like I have no emotions, I’m like a “dead body”, I’m not interested in marriage, my intentions were wrong, I might love someone else, or that I married for money. He has also made assumptions about my past without any basis. At the same time, he says he misses me and chose me over many options. This push–pull behaviour is very confusing.

The most hurtful part is financial accusations. I have never asked him for money. I manage my own expenses (toiletries, makeup, personal items), even bought my own wedding-related things, and never demanded outings or lifestyle expenses. Still, he keeps saying I married for money and talks about “settlement” and loans.

Because of all this, I feel emotionally drained, silent, and constantly misunderstood. I feel tense around him and don’t feel emotionally safe. I even had to take a break and stay separately for some time because I couldn’t handle the pressure. Now things have escalated to talks of separation.

My question:

Am I actually not putting effort, or is this a mismatch/unhealthy dynamic?

Is it normal to feel this level of discomfort so early in marriage?

Can a relationship work where one person constantly assumes the worst and the other feels unsafe to express?

I genuinely wanted to try, but now I feel exhausted and disconnected. Any honest advice would really help.

I’ve realized something lately — arranged marriage isn’t just about you, your looks, or your salary. It heavily depends on your parents’ social skills and networking.

In my case, my parents are extremely introverted. They prefer staying at home, don’t like meeting people, and avoid social interaction unless it’s something unavoidable like a wedding. There are actually quite a few good matches within our extended family and network, but they just don’t make the effort to pursue anything seriously.

Instead, they believe in things like “abhi yog nahi hai, June ke baad hai” and just leave everything to that. Meanwhile, I feel like nothing is actually happening.

What frustrates me is that they’re treating marriage like it’s something that will just happen online — like scrolling profiles and it’ll magically work out, almost like ordering something from Amazon.

On my end, I’m 5’9, fit, outgoing, earning well, and I travel a lot. I’m putting effort into myself, but I still feel stuck because the process on their side is almost zero effort.

When I look around, a lot of my friends have found great matches — sometimes even way out of their league — and honestly, it’s because their families are proactive, social, and know how to communicate and build connections.

So yeah, my takeaway is:

Arranged marriage depends a lot on how proactive and socially active your parents are — not just on your profile.

Curious if others have experienced something similar?

This is continuation of the of an earlier post about Seven stages, in the Arrange Marriage, aimed at how not to drain yourself, by emotionally investing too early, too soon. Keeping clarity at the primary focus. And now I am explaning all the stages in detail.

Here are the stages in quick re-cap, I have written post on each point as well:

Biodata → Filters → Communication → Verification → "Advancement" → First Meeting → Decision

Step 5: Advancement

1. Advancement should happen one stage at a time.
If you were texting, the next step is a call. If calls are going well, then a video call. If that also feels right, then you meet. I don’t think people should jump stages just because the vibe feels good. Each stage should earn the next one. That is what keeps the process clean.

2. The person who initiated usually has to move it ahead.
If you were the one who sent the first interest and began the process, then usually you are also the one who has to suggest the next step. That means you say let’s get on a call, let’s do a video call, or let’s meet. This does not mean doing everything alone. It just means taking that slight extra initiative in the beginning.

3. Early on, effort is not exactly 50-50.
A lot of people expect exact balance too early, but I think it works more like 51-49. The person who initiated carries that extra 1 percent by moving things ahead. But the other person should still show interest, effort, and availability. If it starts becoming too one-sided, then that itself is information.

4. Do not create pressure by expecting them to carry what you started.
One mistake people make is that they initiate the process, but then start waiting for the other person to do all the advancing. That usually creates pressure. And pressure makes people uncomfortable. Once that discomfort enters, the process starts slowing down and people call that confusion.

5. This is the stage where receptivity gets tested.
At this point, you are not only seeing whether they reply. You are seeing how they show up. Do they remember things about you? Are they present in communication? Are they transparent? Do they give clarity, or do they add more confusion? Are they actually available, or are they just dragging the process? This stage reveals that.

6. Every response is communication, even silence.
Here, not every response has to be verbal. Silence is also communication. Delay is communication. Effort is communication. Avoidance is communication. A person repeatedly forgetting things, giving vague replies, or being available only when convenient also tells you something. So do not just listen to words, read the pattern.

7. Do not open up too much too early.
Sometimes this stage can go very well, and then naturally you may feel like opening up quickly. That is where people blur the lines too fast. The problem is that even here, full clarity is still not there. So if you emotionally lean in too much and later things go wrong, stepping back becomes much harder. That is why even in a good phase, stay emotionally resilient.

8. Most conversations here should still stay around clarity.
At this stage, I still think the conversation should mostly stay around non-negotiables, verification, practical alignment, communication style, seriousness, and availability. Not fantasy, not emotional over-sharing, and not behaving as if the bond is already final. The point is still clarity.

9. Each stage shows you something different.
Texting shows how they communicate, how available they are, and how much importance they are giving this. Calls show their way of thinking, how expressive they are, and whether the conversation flows without visual support. Video calls show presence, comfort, and whether the interaction still feels right face-to-face. That is why every stage matters.

10. If meeting is the next step, practical effort matters.
If you are the one suggesting the meeting, then yes, you may have to take the longer journey. But that does not mean doing everything for them. It means you take the lead in movement, and they should still show effort in participation. If someone makes everything unnecessarily difficult without a genuine reason, that itself tells you a lot.

11. This is still the stage where you can keep options open.
At this point, you may still be speaking to more than one prospect, and that is okay. The one who gives basic clarity, receives basic clarity, and naturally moves from text to call to video call without unnecessary confusion will stand out on their own. You do not need to force that.

12. The whole point of this stage is reciprocity.
That is the real idea here. Not speed. Not pressure. Not emotional intensity. Reciprocity. If the interest is genuine, things move more naturally. If every next step feels forced, dragged, or one-sided, that is also your answer.

13. Move ahead only when clarity increases.
Do not move to the next step just because time has passed. Move because clarity has increased. Once text, call, and video call have given enough basic clarity, then you can involve parents if needed, or move to the next stage, which is the first meeting.

Advancement should feel like mutual movement, not one person dragging the process forward.

And if all has gone well so far, then the next step should be #6 the First Meeting.

In general, I feel that in most cases, Indians (especially Indian girls) are very reserved and non - inclined towards even discussing these aspects of married life when they're asked privately in one to one meetings.

In some cases I feel that they're not even bothered about this aspect at all. Then we often hear of extra marital affairs etc after the marriage.

Shouldn't there be an honest discussion around this especially when you are planning to spend your entire life with someone? I can't understand why such a crucial factor is so heavily ignored in most arranged marriage discussions.

So just for the people who are getting into AM. I know a lot of your parents are just excited about your marriage. So what happens sometimes is you see the profile on the phone, your parents contact the partners parents, they have a talk, you guys are asked to meet or talk on phone and the process goes on. Sometimes what happens is parents are excited because the girl or boy seems perfect on paper. So the topic very immediately moves to when the marriage is expected to happens and where it will happen. All this before you people have even met. The girl hasnt seen you, you haven't seen the girl, you haven't gone to the other person's house and they haven't come to your home. Etc etc.

This would be great if the other family is also in the same page as you. But I happened to meet someone who is on a different page than me and they kind of tried to emotionally blackmail us and to get us robbed or sqeeze us financially in the name of marriage. We were smart and didnt give a shit about this. So missed a bomb.

Just be aware of these people and also inform your parents that not to get emotionally attached and speak the next step before things get moving naturally. AM is a slow process. dont hurry it.

This was never in my plans obviously so I'm dumbstruck and shaking.

I have accepted that the care giving is going to be gruelling.

I'm scared what if he gets it in the future or our kids.

I'm scared and my thoughts are spiraling right now.

I'm thinking if I should break up or something since this is going to be an awful lot.

We've been together for almost 2 years in a LDR. I'm more scared of seeing him go through all this and suffering but I also love him to bits and want to be supportive. Idk what to do. Please advice 🙏

I want to talk.

26F here. I genuinely don’t understand what’s going on with some guys and their parents. They have zero communication among themselves, yet they portray their son as if he’s extraordinary.

The first person I spoke to, his mother told me he was busy with March-end work which I completely understood. I assumed he would message once he was free. But when he finally did, all he talked about was how busy he is and how he has no time to even think about an arranged marriage. When I mentioned what his mother had said he casually replied, “I have nothing to do with March-end.” I was like wow.

Another person, we exchanged numbers and barely spoke before he left me on seen for days. He lives in Hyderabad while his parents are in the same city. Then his mother called me asking why I am not replying to his messages. I was honestly shocked. What kind of behavior is that, lying so blatantly and shifting the blame onto me in front of his family?

And then she had the audacity to say, “Why don’t you just call him? He’s very shy,” and started laughing. What kind of parenting is this? Your son cannot even hold a basic conversation?

I don’t know. I am just fed up with this whole setup and people like this.

If both spouses are happy before marriage itself , (+) * (+) = (+)

If atleast 1 spouse is unhappy being single itself , (+) * (-) = (-)

If both spouses are unhappy being single, Nope, this is the only case the formula, it doesn't work. If you are unhappy single, you will be unhappy married!!

Sharing something personal because I need to get it off my chest. I was in a relationship for 5 years, and from the beginning, we were sure about getting married. I accepted his flaws as he accepted mine. But when it came to real commitment, he asked for time and left me hanging.

Amid the uncertainty I found out he had gotten engaged. The girl and him also dated for a while while he was with me. A lot of chaos erupted between mine and his family after this. I opted for the legal route. Surprisingly, he is still getting married to the girl. Like how is that possible for an AM set up? Ofcourse i want their engagement to break off. Is this normal for AM?

For context: They are marwadis and both the families work in the same business

Ps: now my family wants me to move on and fibd someone from AM set up which i have denied. In no sane world, i have decided to get married at all or date until i am ready.

I'm really tired of this process. The resume rounds, the phone calls, the meetings, the family comments, the constant question of "So what did you think?" after each interaction. At some point I stopped asking "Is this the right person" and started asking "Is this person enough to make this happen?"

Has anyone ever said "yes" from this exhausted position? How did it end, honestly?

After binge reading Indian marriage subs, I feel this is what actually saves a marriage…

Ive been quietly reading posts here for a long time…and honestly, same patterns keeps showing up again and again (excluding the cases involving abuse, narcissistic partners, etc.)

What actually makes a marriage work is not “perfect match”, kundli, money or even love alone.

It’s this:

Wife clearly communicating what is bothering her.. Not silent treatment, not expecting mind reading. Just clear communication.. “this hurt me”, “this is not okay for me”. Simple, direct.

Husband has a strong spine. Not mummy’s puppet. Not avoiding conflict. He stands up when needed, especially when things get messy with family.. protecting wife’s dignity always

Both people have done some self-work. Therapy, introspection, whatever works. But they’re aware of their own triggers. Not just blaming each other for everything.

They understand it’s not husband vs wife. It’s both vs the problem. Team mindset. Same side.

That’s it. Sounds basic but honestly very rare.

Background:

I (26M) am currently in the US and have been in an arranged marriage (AM) setup with a woman (26F), also based in the US, since late January. Biodatas were exchanged and we started chatting regularly. The conversation was healthy and things felt promising early on.

How it started:

While I was in India on vacation, we began texting and it felt natural. She was a bit awkward when I suggested a call but I didn’t read too much into it. After I returned to the US around end of February, she asked me out for our first meet. Everything went well — good vibes, easy conversation, no awkwardness in person.

I asked her out the very next week for a second meet because I genuinely wanted to get to know her better. That also went well.

Where it started getting confusing:

After our 2nd meet, there were no texts from her side for almost 2 straight weeks. I eventually reached out and the conversation was fine — casual and ongoing — but I was always the one initiating. Every time I texted her, she would take hours to reply, even after work hours. She never once asked me how my day was going or initiated a simple check-in. For someone looking for a life partner, that felt like a bare minimum that was missing.

The gap between our 2nd and 3rd meet stretched to almost a month — again with me initiating all the texting. It started feeling very one-sided.

Before our 3rd meet I brought it up — told her the gaps were too long, that there was no real effort virtually, and that I needed at least some basic consistency. Her response surprised me. She said she thought I was “too cool to be bothered” so she kept things casual and didn’t want to come across as too eager. She admitted this wasn’t normal behaviour for her.

That conversation felt like a breakthrough. We discussed that we needed to talk more seriously and do regular calls, which we both agreed upon

Our 3rd meet was genuinely great. Everything felt natural and in place. But after that meet? Same pattern. Daily texting for a bit, then hours-long gaps in replies, and now it’s been 3 weeks with zero initiation from her side for a 4th meet. I have asked her out twice already. She sometimes casually mentions future plans — things we’d do “if we end up together” — but she never actually takes the step to make something happen.

Where I stand now:

It’s almost May. We’ve had only 3 meets since February. Every time we meet in person it feels like the pieces fall into place. But virtually it feels like I’m talking to someone who’s only half present. We discussed doing regular calls — nothing has happened. We discussed meeting more frequently — I’m still the only one asking.

She’s had a serious relationship before (3 years) that ended due to family reasons, so I understand she might be guarded. She also mentioned she felt the meets were “too casual” and she wanted deeper moments — but she doesn’t seem to be actively creating those moments either.

I nearly quit before our 3rd meet because of the month-long gap and one-sided effort. Something told me to give it one more shot. The meet was great. But here I am again, in the same loop.

TLDR: 26M in AM setup with 26F since January. 3 meets over 3+ months — all great in person. Virtually she barely initiates texts, never asks how my day is, doesn’t initiate meets, and takes hours to reply. We’ve discussed this and she agreed things need to change but nothing has. I nearly walked away before but the in-person connection keeps pulling me back. Looking for honest outside perspectives.

Hi i am just about to text an prospect ..but i see she turned on disappearing messages on whatsapp ....how should i take it ....is it normal ??

I am scared of arrange marriage possibilities my family is looking for me

I, M27, recent Central government job. Average looking. No great body. Skinny. No great assets.

Recently after stabilizing in this job, my family is looking for a bride for me. But , as they are somewhat modern type; They want a working woman as my wife. Also, she should be of government employee too.:-state gov, central gov, or bank,even police.

 

Now coming to the point, I am also about women working in all spaces. I am all about feminism and freedom too. In the starting of the lookout process, even I was looking for a working woman. Because they bring a sense of responsibility and they have open minds about a lot of things. Also, I have a feeling that my income may not be enough for future.

Even before the starting of the process I had preferences in my mind about my life partner, about here attractive standards, education , career , nature. But one non-negotiable I have about wife is that I and her has to co-habit throughout the life.

I know  government employees transfer and problems. I know how hard it would be for me to come back even to my home state, let alone home city. But that is not even  the starting point. Now my family wants me to marry someone with same destiny who can transfer to any place. NO. I hate this idea. I wanna make a grihastha. I wanna cuddle with my wife daily

I am not a great man. I am not a saint. I know this preference comes from the fact that I have been single my whole life, and I see so many couples on a daily basis, I just hate myself that I just couldn’t have a girlfriend in my adult life. And I know after marriage it is about intercourse what is driving me to marry. I believe in consent. But not long-distance, hello!. I just cant live like a randwa even after marrying. But my family is not understanding. They are showing me rishtas of girls who are in government services.

They think that women sitting at home karengi kya. I agree. I have seen my mother and her intellect due to sheltered life and no good exposure to outside. But I am not ready to married to a person who has possibility of living away from me just because her job demands it. I am okay if they do any home made business or work from home job, and I am all about helping in houe chores, even if I marry someone non-working. But mai taiyarr nahi hu eik aisi life jeene k lie jismein meri patni alag rahe. Isse accha to kunwara and frustrated rehna.

I am confused whether I even want a working wife or not. Kyunki mere colleagues jinki non-working wife hain, wo sab khush to hain hi. Ab kya hi bura hai unka.

I am confused, angry and unable to judge the situation. Please guide me, if possible tell your marriage stories when two government employees are married. I think transfer policies are getting sh*tter day by day in this country; and I have a feeling that spouse based transfer is getting declined day by day.

Hi all, I am 27 F and I have been quite active in this sub. I have asked a lot of my questions and concerns around AM process. I have one basic question though - ideally, what should an AM process look like? I am asking this as I have recently started getting a few matches.

Earlier, I would have a short chat on WhatsApp and then a phone call. But while doing this, I would also realise that I haven't seen many photos of the guy, or I would spend a lot of time talking to them on phone and feel like the vibes are not matching. It felt like a waste of my time.

Should I first chat for a few days, ask all the basic questions and then, if I feel comfortable, move to a phone call? Or should I speak on the phone first? Should I evaluate multiple matches at the same time before moving ahead?

The only thing which matters is confidence and the way you are living just having good package doesn't matter , a personality which feels like one can break rocks matters , girls break all rules to marry the guy she likes , women like confidence , ambition and yess most importantly attractiveness no matter how you look build some muscles get lean you will look much better , stop being desperate start reading , lifting , politics and talk about your interests to girls which really excited you not just to impress them but to communicate, become a complete mam and see things change , anyone on this sub can tell me if I am wrong , I will be glad to learn 😊

I matched with a girl through a broker. She is from a village but currently lives in Bangalore and works as a contractor(now she left the job, but staying in Bangalore). During our first conversation, her family rejected me because I have less land. Later, they said they would proceed if I bought more land, so we agreed to do that.

After that, they made new demands—initially saying they would give 30 tolas of gold, then reducing it to 20, and later to 10. They keep changing their statements and are not communicating clearly. Her father does not speak directly with my father; instead, he communicates through the broker or through me.

Meanwhile, the girl and I have been talking daily. Our conversations have become somewhat romantic, and we have met in person and kissed on the cheeks a few times.

Am I being trapped in this situation?

Shall I cutoff all the connection with her and her family