34F married to 39M feeling exhausted and misunderstood
Hi everyone, I really need honest advice.
I (34F) got married 5 months ago in an arranged setup to my husband (39M). I’m working full-time and currently travelling around 3 hours daily for office.
Before marriage, we didn’t meet much or have long calls. Most communication was through messages because I take time to open up. I had told him I’m available to talk anytime and we could connect on WhatsApp due to network issues, but he didn’t initiate much. In person, conversations were basic and he always behaved like everything was fine and he understood me. But later on messages, he would bring up the same topics with a completely different POV. He also said he couldn’t remember my likes/dislikes and once accused me of replying late (which rarely happened), and when I showed proof, he changed the topic. This inconsistency started even before marriage.
After marriage, expectations became very different. He expects communication like movies/TV serials (filmy conversations, romantic expressions, constant engagement). I’m a reserved person and not expressive that way. For me, bonding needs time, comfort, and emotional safety. I even told him I’d be more comfortable if things happen naturally, but he expects a specific “wife-like” behaviour based on what he has seen. When I share a different perspective, he calls it “feminist thinking” or says I should follow normal norms of a wife. Because of this, he feels I’m not interested and says I have no emotions or effort.
We live with his family. I took time to adjust, but that was seen as lack of effort. Complaints include not initiating things (groceries, planning), staying in my room, and not engaging enough. Personal matters were also shared with family instead of being discussed with me, which made me feel constantly judged.
Physical intimacy has been difficult. He tried to initiate closeness at night while I was asleep, which made me uncomfortable. When I said I need time and emotional comfort first, it was taken as rejection. This created pressure, and instead of feeling close, I started feeling anxious and tense.
His behaviour is very inconsistent—sometimes caring and emotional, sometimes harsh and blaming. He has said things like I have no emotions, I’m like a “dead body”, I’m not interested in marriage, my intentions were wrong, I might love someone else, or that I married for money. He has also made assumptions about my past without any basis. At the same time, he says he misses me and chose me over many options. This push–pull behaviour is very confusing.
The most hurtful part is financial accusations. I have never asked him for money. I manage my own expenses (toiletries, makeup, personal items), even bought my own wedding-related things, and never demanded outings or lifestyle expenses. Still, he keeps saying I married for money and talks about “settlement” and loans.
Because of all this, I feel emotionally drained, silent, and constantly misunderstood. I feel tense around him and don’t feel emotionally safe. I even had to take a break and stay separately for some time because I couldn’t handle the pressure. Now things have escalated to talks of separation.
My question:
Am I actually not putting effort, or is this a mismatch/unhealthy dynamic?
Is it normal to feel this level of discomfort so early in marriage?
Can a relationship work where one person constantly assumes the worst and the other feels unsafe to express?
I genuinely wanted to try, but now I feel exhausted and disconnected. Any honest advice would really help.