r/Anger

My partner and I have been together for nearly 5 years. He has always had anger issues, even before we got together, but I understood that this was from childhood trauma and I've been very patient over the years to help him see a good therapist and learn proper coping mechanisms. He has never laid hands on me, but his reactions at times can be aggressive. I have PTSD so I have asked many times for things not to be handled this way, especially at the minimum not to raise his voice during conflict or frustration.

For a while it's been better, not always perfect but the behavior had significantly improved. I'm a direct communicator and I'm very good about making my issues known in a respectful, constructive way since I've gone through a lot of therapy as well.

We recently found out I'm 10 weeks pregnant (we are both 31 and were planning on getting engaged this year, estimated due date is in November). I've never been pregnant before, and tbh I didn't think we would be able to conceive without IVF, so for me this was a happy surprise. We were back and forth about terminating or keeping the baby for about a week after finding out. A week ago, I could tell the logistics of the unknown were really stressing him out so I said "Ok well then I'll just abort it, I'm not going to trap you in something, I want us both to be happy" and he slammed his hand on the headboard near my head and told me not to do that (he had an abortion in a previous relationship years before me, so it's not like this was a value surrounding being against abortion). I obviously got super freaked out by that because well, I'm pregnant and I have PTSD, so I got activated and said absolutely fucking not and scheduled an abortion.

The next day he came in our room (we slept separately that night) and apologized, saying that was wrong and he won't do that again. I understand there's a lot of emotions surrounding this whole thing for both of us, but I made it clear that in order to make this work, that can't happen again. But then I guess the stress of the night before initiated some severe cramping for me (we hadn't been to the OB yet) so we ended up going to the hospital. We learned that I now had a small hemorrhage as a result of the emotional distress of this incident, though these hemorrhages can pop up in the early phases of pregnancy. Doctor told me to not work for the next few days and rest. My partner said he felt really bad, so I said "Well let's just make sure this doesn't happen again from behavior like that".

Several days passed. We went to the OB and saw the baby, we were both very excited, committed to keep it. My partner is really into firearms and is talented, he had intentions to shoot competitively, and I fully support his hobbies/interests. But then he started talking about buying a $2000 firearm before August before the laws changed. He explained that it will cost him more and a lot of classes if he doesn't buy this firearm before then. I kept saying "I mean, we can try to budget for it, but we are expecting a baby that we need to save for...". Last night we were taking a shower and he started talking about it again, I said "I really don't think that's wise financially right now. I understand that it's going to cost more in the long run, but what's really the most important to save for right now?" He then accused me of not listening to him. He seems to think that if I was listening, this would change my opinion of it being a good idea. I feel I did listen, I even reiterated exactly what he said, but I still stood on the belief that it was a bad idea right now.

He instantly got agitated, tried to shut down on me and said he no longer wanted to talk about it. I was still talking calmly and said "Well I'm sorry but we need to figure these things out at some point, and anytime I try to engage you on how loose your spending habits are (because he has nothing in savings) you never want to talk about it". He started progressively getting more aggressive with me, and I said "alright, just get out of the shower and leave me alone so I can finish". As he dried off, he kept arguing with me, and I said "You know if we can't talk about these things constructively like I'm trying to do (because he is busy and there are not a lot of opportunities to do so right now) then we need to get an abortion." Instantly, he ripped the shower curtain off the rod and threw it over the toilet, completely exposing me to the cold air while I was still showering. He glared at me and said "You're not doing that, we agreed we were keeping it". I immediately got super freaked out again (because PTSD and I'm fucking pregnant) and reacted in fight or flight mode by slapping him, saying "What the fuck is wrong with you? You said you weren't going to do something like this again, it hasn't even been a week! You don't do this to a pregnant woman!" He then proceeded to try to justify this behavior and followed with "well you slapped me" and I'm like "Of course I did! You just completely exposed me in a hyper aggressive way while I'm pregnant! Any normal person would react that way to your behavior!"

Obviously I know that slapping him was wrong (I feel awful but it's really hard sometimes to think properly if my PTSD is being activated like that) but I really just want to understand from a male perspective what's happening here. I do NOT want to bring a child into a home with aggression and violence. Obviously this behavior is not normal, but can someone enlighten me on the potential emotions that he might be experiencing? Are these reactions he's having justified? I feel like whether we keep it or not, he's angry and aggressive either way. And yes, I do believe it is directly related to this. I don't want a "just leave him" response, I want to help my partner and prevent this from happening again.

And by fighting. I mean shouting, hands slapping counter tops, slammed doors, and long awkward periods of silence until things blow over.

Bonus Question: Have you ever seen a parent apologize to one another or admit they were wrong?

Bonus Bonus Question: Who has personal anger issues today?

hello, Im 19 and Ive had anger issues since I was a child and never seemingly got better, Ive reached the point I talk in a angry tone without noticing it and when its too late. everyones afraid of me and I dont realize that I am angry or talk that way because im so used to always being angry its my defult tone.

I dont know how I can manage my anger fully especially whenever I get upset I just feel tired constantly I dont know how to handle it. everything just hurts everyone around me and I dont know how and where to start with fixing up myself

One of my classmates shone a laser into my eyes after finding out that I have -6 vision and after hearing the teacher say that it’s dangerous to walk outside without glasses with such a prescription. It took me a couple of minutes to realize that I was angry at myself for not reacting more sharply—like not punching him in the face—but instead I just responded briefly in conversation with others. He kind of thought I has bad eyes and decided to “finish me off” or something? I keep having thoughts that I should get back at him or get into a fight. I would call myself a pacifist, but right now I feel anxiety mixed with hatred.

I have a bad reputation in for being short tempered and impulsive when my switch get flipped. Anyone who can relate, which I think we're all here for, knows it's shit being short tempered. If you keep the anger in it will be unleashed eventually on someone who has nothing to do with the source.

Keeping it in too long makes you irritated and depressed. So when ever I'm in a conversation and someone talks about that they are short tempered, I think to myself, you sound like a fucking idiot. If you really were, you would've known that it doesn't feel like something to be proud of.

I wake up angry. So angry my chest hurts, I shake, and I’m nauseous. Everything makes me so incredibly mad I feel like I’m going to scream but I have nothing to yell at. It’s gotten so bad my partner has said “maybe we try to not have a miserable day tomorrow” practically everyday. I do try, I feel awful that nothing can seem to make me happy. I never yell, or break anything, or stomp, or slam doors. I just come off very negative about everything. Random harmless stuff like the sun shines to bright and I feel like I’m going to vomit and have a heart attack and I don’t know why. It’s become a joke how I seem to see everything negatively. People make me mad, food makes me mad, the weather makes me mad, everything makes me mad. Not just mad absolutely furious, shaking furious, I want to scream, and break things, and I don’t know. I don’t do that cause I know it’s unreasonable. My body feels like it is genuinely shutting down I’m so angry all the time and I don’t know what to do. I need this to stop. Has anyone dealt with this before and do you have any tips to make it stop? I don’t want to be this miserable, I would greatly appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Anyone?

Flipping appliances and throwing my bags and chairs across the room kicking doors and everything else I see. Im usually clumsy and it does make me angry but for the past few days ive been losing stuff and losing my temper over it more often than usual. Its exhausting being so emotionally charged all the time and mortifying when someone sees me like this. Its so humiliating when someone sees you as just some man child who cant control his anger but i really cannot for the life of me control this and i feel like im just better off dead for the safety and peace of mind of everyone around me and for myself who’d rather not feel anything at all if it means i wont lose control as easily. Seriously i cant reconcile the idea of me being a functional human but also someone with such a humiliating and dehumanizing trait that comes out so easily for petty and useless reasons

i hate how my anger gets to me, it’s so tiring, i’ve tried every single method to try and atleast minimize the effect but with no success. it’s killing me, especially when i take it out on my siblings, they don’t have angry or abusive parents, yet they have an angry older sister that they have to deal w her bullshit every day, hearing her yell and lash out on everyone whenever the slightest mistake happens, id literally do anything for it to stop i hate myself for it and i dont even know where i got it from, both my parents are chill af, it’s so confusing and frustrating

I yell at video games, I yell at my friends, I yell at my partner, and when I'm called out for it I want to kill myself. I just want to stop yelling because I hate hurting the people I love, but everything makes me angry. Please, I'm so tired.

Hi I'm 20 and I'm so tired to be always angry and violent, I get angry easily and often end up hitting the person in front of me, who is often someone close to me.
I've tried working on myself, meditating, breathing exercises before I explode but I just can't seem to control my violent impulses.

when I end up hitting the person in front of me it's often because I feel like they don't understand what I'm saying, especially when I open up and talk about my feelings. If they don't seem to empathize/understand or continue to get angry at me, I don't know what to do or say anymore, and I hit them.

I've been like this with everyone around me, my mother, my sister, my ex who left me because of this. It's starting to completely ruin my life.

Should I go see a therapist? I'm scared they'll don't understand or that I won't be able to have the courage to talk about it.

I'm seeking advices or discussions around this topic... please

So I would like to learn more about anger and how to deal with it on here I feel like if you're angry about anything you're usually met with unsupport and hostility from other people . They treat you like you're a troll. Anyone else have that experience ? It could just be the subreddits some places are just more toxic than others I guess. But I think anger is valid .

I’ve been struggling with anger for about 5 years now and I’m no closer to resolving my issues or even figuring out what they are. My wife is scared and stressed by my raising my voice at our child (5) when I want them to listen or stop/start doing things.

My anger got me into legal trouble a few years ago. I took an anger management course as part of the process of avoiding a conviction. I still get angry.

I’ve been in therapy for almost 5 years, starting from a time when I lashed out at some of my wife’s friends. My wife thinks it’s not helping. She thought I was a calm person when we met. I thought I was too. Turns out I’m just good at hiding my frustration until it spills out. When it started to emerge in our relationship she attributed it to unresolved grief from losing my first wife.

I just don’t know what it is.

I’ve also been unemployed for almost 3 years now, working independently since then but not earning much and not getting steady work sometimes. I try applying for jobs but I rarely get to the interview stage. And somehow the same jobs keep coming up as if they still haven’t hired someone but it’s never me. My wife helps me apply sometimes but I feel like a ghost. A lot of the ads sound like I’d be training AI to do my old job anyway.

I wonder if it’s depression. I don’t enjoy much of what I used to do anymore (interests, hobbies). I don’t have close friends. I don’t do much of anything.

I don’t know what to do. I wish I had the kind of temperament where I could let things not get to me but that seems like not feeling much of anything.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

I find myself getting into petty arguments with people over who’s wrong and who’s right. Even if it’s not a big deal, I just find it hard to let go when someone challenges me. Even if I’m 100% right and they’re wrong and I sho them all the proof and facts, it seems to never matter in an intense argument. Maybe it’s just my ego idk.

The type where instead of hurting others or breaking things, you harm yourself. I don’t see anyone talk about this type of anger issue. Is it rare?

Since I was around maybe 14, I have had pretty bad anger issues and emotional regulation issues in general. When I would get built up to a certain point from whatever external or internal factors got to me at the time, I would punch holes of varying sizes in my wall. I have about 12 holes about my room/door, 4 of them being uncovered and a large one being covered with obvious tape. The most recent one was maybe a couple months ago, but since then I have seriously sat down with myself and decided I cannot continue like this, and I need to get control of my shit (19 now, also in therapy). The main thing I've been thinking about that really scares me is someone coming into my room, especially if I get into a relationship, and seeing them. I have been thinking about plastering over them soon but either way, especially on the doors, they will still be most likely noticeable. I regret it a lot. I just really need advice on how I should go about handling a future situation where this will occur, any similar experiences, or just any advice in general because I don't want people to see me as an unhinged person, or be scared of me. How would you see someone if you walked in their room, whether it be a friend or partner, and saw that?

So i went back to college and their are some girls who try really hard to get a reaction out of me, i purposly don't Respond to it I have heard threats but never mention my name. I am hiding my anger but this is bin going on for 2 months or even longer, i am ready to fight beceause I feel like I am at my breaking Point.

This girl would not stop she does aviod me but give really stank faces. i try to focus on school beceause that's important to me but this girl seems extremly obsessed with me it's really bizar and The anger what i feel is unbearable the teacher do notice there is tention and i acually don't know what to do anymore. They got stared at by groups wierd dismissive stank faces but never in my face.
I aviod looking at her beceause I know it Will make me agressieve and there is this one teacher who try to make me look at her or try to start a Conversation between us.

i am not someone you should play with and im afraid im going to Burst and have legal trouble for assault.

22(F) with a 21(M) for a year. We've both grew up in very abusive homes. Physical, sexual, emotional, neglectful abuse. No, we can't afford therapy.

For a normal couple, I have seen it where one person says "I think this" the other person says "Well, I think this, which is the opposite of what you think"

And it ends there. How? Me and my boyfriend can not operate this way.

First example

My boyfriend likes well known emo rappers. I personally hate them. I hate their voices. I hate the cringey angst. But I'll tolerate his music as often as I can without complaint. At some point I can't take it, and I use my headphones while in the car.

While listening to music in the car one day, I played a 90s emo punk band that he didn't know. I said their voice sounds similar to the emo rappers he listens to.

Uh oh.

He completely disagrees. It begins a fight where I aggressively try to explain the similarities and he aggressively tells me I'm very very wrong. I mock his rappers, he calls me arrogant and I'm completely wrong and I don't listen to anyone but myself. Pretty much that I'm stupid for making the comparison, and no one would agree with me. Here is where I get so angry, my blood boils, I feel completely overlooked and misunderstood, I flail, I scream my points, I punch the car, I pull my hair. It's a fenzy and I feel like I can't help it. I'm so angry. I've lost control. I can't calm down.

We are in a car. We can't step away. All I can do is put on my headphones and he blares his music to be obnoxious.

My boyfriend? He can calm down quickly. He can step back from a moment and try to move past things. I, however, stew in my anger. I can't let go. I can't let go of the fact that I was misunderstood, and how it was handled. I take a long time to calm down. It can take hours. Over something so small.

And after we calm down? Yeah, he understood my comparison. He understood what I was saying bout the two bands' similarities. This doesn't make me calm down, but it should. It only makes me continue to be mad. He's ready to move on, apologize, kiss, hug, but I'm stuck in my anger. In those moments I can't remember why I love him, I can't remember good moments between us even if it were minutes ago, I can't find a good enough reason to calm down. The moment we try to talk about it again, it will flood back. The frustration, the anger, the helplessness, the lashing out, it will return.

Over what? Over nothing. It's always over nothing. There are many examples. Times where I dislike his behavior. I could simply approach him kindly. And even if he gets defensive, I should be able to keep my composure, but I can't. Because that defensiveness begins the disagreement. We aren't agreeing on something. And it turns into something very very bad. I make it much much worse than it ever has to be.

There are deeper examples where something that should be a conversation turns into lots of screaming, lots of insults, in each other's face, and my lashing out turns to him. I push him. As things get worse, I'll punch his chest and arms. And times where he won't stop yelling or gets too close, I've grabbed his neck. Over. Nothing.

It always begins over something that we don't agree on. It makes us both angry, but I lose control and make it much worse.

I know I have OCD. I've learned that I'm codependent, and I'm reading the famous book for it. Maybe this is part of it. But I'm beginning to feel like there's something more. A personality disorder? I just feel so helpless. I don't know how to change. I feel like I will never change. I wish I could wake up one day and know how to control myself.

Here are my questions:

What is wrong with me? What does this sound like to you? How do I control my anger? How do I prevent the anger build up, and how do I calm down quicker?

How do other couples handle being able to disagree on something and just drop it?

It seems like that is impossible for us. To just ignore it, leave it alone, never address it? Even though its so small. Even though it doesn't matter, it feels like it matters a lot to us to be able to agree on EVERYTHING no matter how small.

Your answer will be "get over it, let it go, you can't agree on everything"

That answer fixes nothing. I need advice.

my wife says she gets triggered when she sees me. She says she doesn’t feel emotionally safe or secure. I cursed her out twice as I felt she was very disrespectful to me as her husband. I apologized both times but she didn’t accept because she said I “justify”. Then came taking the house key away from her twice(she doesn’t live with me it was for easy access). She doesn’t live with me in general because we haven’t agreed on ANYTHING no finances nothing and we are always arguing and her kids are real comfortable where they are.

Anyway the second time I took the key was because she stated she would never prioritize anyone but herself, that was extremely hurtful to me so then I stated take your stuff out of my house and give me my key. Most of the time I put my wife first because I have much more freedom and I don’t let my child run the show. Anyway so now we aren’t talking, we don’t see each other. I tried to take her to the movies and go out to have fun and she says no she gets triggered seeing me and gets hurt seeing me. This last argument she was the aggressor. I’m not sure what to do, but I feel like i’m being treated as if I physically hurt her. I have been improving on my anger but she really knows how to piss me off with her words, even though she doesn’t curse me out it’s just as bad or even worse honestly, I rather get cursed out. I’m just exhausted I am trying but she’s real emotional and lives off her emotions and not logic. She only sees the mistakes I do and not the good.

Sorry this took off on a tangent.

Any suggestions would be great!

Thanks!

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Please advise

Hi, I am '34M' in a relationship with '35F' from the past 13 years. There are moments when we both get agitated. I really don't want any agitation in my life and she is the one I love the most. I am scared that if I say something nasty and by chance something happens to her or me. I don't want our last conversation to be full of rage. I really want to think before I speak but whenever I am agitated I just say without thinking.

There is an Indian Yogi named Sadhguru who says you have to become love and it should not be concentrated to one being. Once you become loving people around you will be the most happy.

He also says in a relationship we should always keep the other person important and their happiness at priority. We should not be extracting happiness from them. Once we are happy our relationship will be more joyful.

Did meditation have helped anyone in their relationship?