Most of the time I’m in a bad mood. I can barely take care of myself, how can I manage a whole relationship with someone else? I’m worried I’ll end up hurting her or make her feel bad just because I feel bad. I almost feel selfish, and like I’ll just bring her down with me. Yeah
Sorry I’m unsure if this post follows the guidelines, I didn’t see anything against asking if something counts as “abuse”. I genuinely don’t know if what I experienced was abuse, and if it was it’s not like I can do anything about it. I will be 18 in over a week and I want to seek mental health help if I can.
Growing up, I was always scared of my father. He could be very aggressive and violent, and would get mad at us (my siblings and I) a lot, over small things like spilling/dropping food, forgetting to clean up our toys and stuff, or “talking back”/giving an attitude (I didn’t understand what that meant as a kid). He would yell and scream, and would even punch walls and break objects because of something I or my siblings or my mom did. He could also be very insulting, he’s called me useless, told me I can’t do anything right, called me emotional and made fun of me for crying. He did this to my mom and siblings too, especially my mom because she was the only one brave enough to argue back with him (not these specific insults, but just generally criticizing everything she did. It was exhausting to even just overhear, but my mom never seemed to care.)
Another thing, he would often yell at/insult me or my siblings until we’d cry, then yell at us for crying and being too sensitive.
So I never really felt that comfortable around him. He was also always fun and goofy, joking around a lot. But he could switch in an instant. He’s not a bad father, or a bad person.
My mom is a lot calmer, but she can be similar. Even though she stands up against my dad, he’s very much her priority and if I were to anger him she would take his side. She often tells me I argue too much—I try not to, it feels like whenever I speak they call it arguing and get mad at me for any slight disagreement, or even if they sense that I might not agree with them. I don’t know, it’s very confusing, I just know that whenever I talk to my parents I am always left angry and sad and confused. My mom has told me they like my brother because he “doesn’t argue”, even though he does, we’re both teenagers so I guess we’re very argumentative.
I always tried my best to be a good kid. I never snuck out, drank, smoked, skipped or failed classes, I tried not to argue, I kept my head down and just tried not to anger my parents. It didn’t work, they were always angry about something, and I was always confused because I couldn’t tell when I did something wrong until they were mad. Sometimes, I just can’t help but feel really sad over this. I feel like no matter what I do, they’ll never love me. I feel like they’ll always be disappointed in me. Because, no matter how much they say, they love me, they don’t act like it.
My siblings and I were pretty well behaved. We never had outbursts or anything, though my parents seem to consider anything as “tantrums”, like I said, confusing.
When I was 16 I started harming myself. I suddenly became very angry and started breaking things or putting holes in my walls, but my parents did not tolerate this. So I took it out on myself instead. I have a lot of scars everywhere. I am not exactly clean, but I have reduced harming myself a lot and don’t have any obvious wounds. When I told my mom, she didn’t seem to care, as long as I wasn’t doing it anymore. She’s very good at being calm, not like my dad. I’m still pretty depressed, and I find it hard to do things even things I enjoy. But I’ve done good enough in school and I’m starting university next year, so I guess I’m fine.
Now, it seems I can’t stand my family. Even if we get along, any little interaction leaves me angry and disturbed. I spend most of my time in my room avoiding them. It’s confusing, because I do love my family and I know they love me, too. My parents say they’re proud of me, but I can’t help but feel apathetic towards them. I feel like such a jerk, I feel selfish, but I wonder if I only feel this way because of things that happened in the past (and that are still happening to be honest, they never changed or got better). I don’t know if I want to call it abuse, but I’m just really confused and would like some clarification on this.
I know my parents would not understand any of this, they wouldn’t understand my mental health struggles, and frankly, I don’t think they care that much. My parents, especially my dad, often talk about how traumatizing their childhoods were and how we (my siblings and I) have it so much better than they did. I know they would not be happy with how I’m feeling. So, I don’t think I am going to try to make them understand, I think I’m just going to distance myself when I can. Thanks for reading this train wreck lol.
Edit: I have one more thing to say actually. One reason I’m really coming back to question all this right now is because most people I know, at my age, seem to get along with their parents much better than they did in their early teens. Like, a common joke I see is they were “evil” but they chilled out around 17 (my age). I feel like I don’t get along with my parents, and I really resent them, but when I was like 13 to 15 I got along with them much better, and it’s just left me really confused, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
The type where instead of hurting others or breaking things, you harm yourself. I don’t see anyone talk about this type of anger issue. Is it rare?
Every time I quit I eventually relapse. Beginning to think nothing will help me. I don’t see a point in stopping, I already have horrible scars, and what’s it matter if I’m only hurting myself?