r/polyamorous

I need advice from people in relationships with non-monogamous partners.

My wife went on her first date with a mutual friend last week. I thought I was going to be ok with it. I wasn't.

They have kissed, but not had sex. They know I'm uncomfortable and are holding off on doing anything else out of respect for me (thanks everyone), but it almost doesn't matter.

The physical stuff was never what was scary to me. The scary part is that my wife's heart is not 100% mine anymore. And I know love is not a zero-sum game. Our connection is strong, I know she loves me more than anyone, and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together. I know, intellectually, that her feelings towards this other person do not threaten my present or my future with her... so why is it so fucking scary?

I keep working on this thought like a loose tooth, "my wife is in love with someone else," it feels terrible, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. They could never kiss again, they could never fuck, and it wouldn't make "my wife is in love with someone else" any less true.

My feelings are not her responsibility. All she can control is her actions, but I have a lot I need to figure out just to survive the present, ya know?

What does one do in these situations? When your worst enemy is your own fear and insecurity?

Genuinely asking: if someone on a dating app right swipes you and you check their bio and they say that they are looking for something monogamous, do you automatically swipe left on that basis?

My bio explicitly says I am poly and in an open marriage and I get monogamous bids.

How do folks here navigate this?

I don't get a thing. If I express that I want to be in a throuple or triad, why is everyone naming us as a unicorn hunter. Why can't people be genuine to be in a throuple or triad relationship?

My boyfriend and I, after 5 years together, met a guy with whom we both connected very strongly, and we ended up starting a closed three-person relationship. For months we talked every day and built a very strong bond, but over time my boyfriend began to emotionally disconnect and see him more as a friend, although he tried to continue because there was a very strong connection between this guy and me.

A week ago we saw him again, and my boyfriend had an anxiety attack because the situation was becoming too overwhelming for him, so we decided to end the relationship. The goodbye was very hard and very emotional for all three of us.

Since then, I’ve been feeling terrible. The other guy has completely disappeared, and I can’t stop thinking about him or wanting to text him. I feel very emotionally attached, and on top of that he will soon be moving to our city. Meanwhile, although my boyfriend is an amazing person and our relationship has always been very good, I feel completely disconnected from him. I think the sexual aspect and roles, which worked very well with the other guy, affected me more than I realized.

I know that the right thing is probably to stay with my boyfriend because he’s the person I imagine my future with, but I can’t get the other guy out of my head and it makes me very sad to think everything ended this way.

Any advice? Is there anything that can be done? Ideally for me, my boyfriend would realize how much this guy brought into our lives and would want to go back to it, but…

I am in a polyamorous relationship. I have one partner, with whom I live. (My partner has two partners, including me.)

I have always had ability the to seek out new partners at any time, but I have previously not been interested. The last time my partner and I discussed it, she said she would "find a way to be OK with it" when it happened. This wasn't encouraging, but when I pressed her on it, she was not able to give a better answer, so I figured we'd address it again in the future.

Last night I did go out to meet someone. I told my partner I was going out, but I didn't specify it as a date since I was meeting this person for the first time and didn't know whether I'd want to pursue it any further. When I came back home, I did describe it to her as a date.

She was very distressed by this. She said that my handling of this was not ethical (since I didn't disclose before the fact, only after), and therefore I had cheated on her. She said our relationship is over because she's not sure she can recover from this breach of trust, so maybe I should be calling her my ex-partner in this post. I don't know if I should hope for reconciliation, but I do.

To my partner's point, I could have told her ahead of time that I was considering meeting people more seriously than before. I wanted to tell her, and tried more than once, but the words got stuck in my throat each time. I was afraid to tell her. I was worried about how she would react. It's not a good enough reason to not do it, but those emotions are why I made the less rational choice. It would have been better to discuss it first since I knew the topic was unresolved, instead of being afraid to bring it up due to that lack of resolution. Alas.

Regardless of anything and everything, I love my partner. I never would have done what I did if I had imagined it would cause this kind of harm. We had never specifically talked about how we would go about things if I started looking for a potential partner, but I had told her in the past that I would tell her beforehand if that were my intent. Thus, I told her the nature of the outing immediately with the intention of discussing it more. To me, since the potential to date was already there, I was not going behind her back with only a platonic first meeting. But if I were thinking about seeing one person for multiple dates, or if I were starting to establish an explicitly romantic connection with a specific person, I wouldn't have waited.

Back to the point: I am not here to question whether or not it was cheating. The fact of the matter is, if my partner feels that she was betrayed, then that needs to be addressed. If we can even still be partners after this.

We've been having challenges the past couple years, but I've known for a long time that I'd rather fight for happiness with her than be without her. I just don't know if I should really be preparing myself for the end of everything we worked for. I can't stomach the idea that I ruined everything just by being shortsighted. Or by failing to communicate just a little more clearly, in such a simple, simple way!

Ultimately, my question is this: I know I could have handled it better, and I wish I had. But was I misguided and ignorant to handle it the way I did, or was I completely stupid and utterly untrustworthy?

July last year, I met this girl on Facebook and she said she was solo-poly. We’ve been deeply infatuated, but I’m not poly. The jealousy hurts a lot. I feel like I’m not enough whenever we’re not around. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself.
She’s proud of the progress she’s made emotionally through life, and she’s told me I’m the exception\*, although I’m not entirely sure what that means since she’s still sexually active with another partner. I’ve told her my boundary is dick, but it’s ‘nonnegotiable’ as it was pre-existing dick.
I know I get emotional when I think about it and I keep trying to maintain a level head, but it always circles back to not being enough.
There are so many intricacies and nuances that make me feel love for her and her kids, but it’s a love that only feels reciprocated when we’re together 😔.
I keep asking why I do it to myself, but I do love her.. it’s just the most hurtful love I’ve ever known

Married almost 40 years. Started swinging in 2024. Shifted to both of us having regular solo partners in 2026 (him weekly, me once or twice a month).

Occasionally, I'd join them for FFM. One of those times, I really watched them and got extremely jealous of their closeness. It felt as if he was more focused on her needs than mine when they were together.

I tried talking to him about it. Told him I was jealous, but looking to handle it in a positive way. In the end, I just couldn't deal with him being with her anymore.

I asked if he loved her; he said didn't. He realized how hurt I was and we closed our relationship, I started weekly counseling, and we seemed better.

Yesterday, something popped up that reminded me of their dates. I told him I had jealousy, but it was stupid because at this point she's just a memory and that he'll never see or talk with again. I really wanted him to hold and reassure me at that point. Of course, my insecure side only told him that I loved him, not that I needed to be held.

I'm not sure if he shut down, didn't want to say the "wrong" thing, had his own feelings, or what, but now we aren't talking.

He's extremely worried about my mental health, hence the counselor, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't control when feelings hit. Yes, I'm working on my reaction to the feelings. And I thought talking about them was the right thing to do.

Was I wrong to share my feelings with him? Do I keep the feelings to myself? Only talk about them with the counselor?

So it a year after my divorce and im ready to get out there again. my Ex took the community but I wasn't attracted to any of them. I like people who take care of themselves and work to Better there situations. They all, ex wife included just want people to give them attention because no one ever had it as bad as them. And

They where all in Freenzy all the time. Pretty much Trashie people.

Ok so rant over.

Im trying to meet new people in the area and make new social connections. What apps a good, populated, and free. The pay walls and AI Bots are crazy.

so my wife and I are both asian. been married 3 years. been together 5 total. she’s drop dead gorgeous. a few moths ago, when we were at a coffee shop, i bumped into one of my old work friend (let’s call him jamal. he was born in nigeria and raised in the uk). so we chat for a bit and my wife comes to the till to place an order. the minute he saw her, i could tell he was stunned by how pretty she was. i introduced them. and she was all smiles and talking ( she is with everyone) and then she returned to the table. even when he was talking to her i could tell. he’s a much taller, more muscular guy than me.

ever since i got back to the table, i couldn’t get the image of seeing both of them together out of my head like i developed some weird kink. not surprisingly jamal soon sent me and her insta requests and is in touch fairly regularly . i did bring up the kink personally to my wife (let’s call her dani) and tho she was taken aback we talked for several weeks since and she’s more open to it but hasn’t said anything definitively.

i’m looking for advice: if we do go down this road, will there be feelings between dani and jamal? can this not be a one time thing at all? open to dms, just looking for someone to share this with for guidance really.

Are there any apps available in the United Kingdom to help find people who are like minded into NEM. Please let me know.

My long-time partner of almost 7 years, with whom I was in a nesting partnership for the last 2 years of our relationship, and I split last summer. I have a partner of a year and a half and I am very happy with her, but she is in a nested relationship with her long-time partner. I am open to all kinds of connections, but I hope to eventually have a nested relationship again as I really value sharing space and having the day-to-day in-person connection of a nested relationship. Everyone I meet is already in a nested relationship or else they are solo poly.

Like I said, I am open to all kinds of connections in general, but this is one kind of connection I would like to have again. And I have not seen a soul on apps saying they are open to this. Except me. Maybe it’s where I live? Is it like this most places?

Let me start by saying my husband call him T and I are swingers have been for 6-7 years and have always enjoyed adding other people to the bedroom for a fun time but it never went beyond a fun time. About 6 months ago I connected with this woman call her B (I'm bi). It was a fun time and then we fell into this thing that felt effortless. It was intense and wonderful and we all three really clicked. Well 6 months later she spend half the week at our place every week and we go to her place 2 weekends a month with the whole family (we have 3 little ones) that are honestly thriving and got this amazing addition to their world. So anyway recently the bedroom stuff has felt less then effortless and puts me in my head. Them loving me isnt hard watching them together in bed makes me sick if hes basically not focused on me, not completely focused but pretty much. Neither of them have an issue seeing me with the other in fact they both love it but seeing them together now for whatever reason is making me want to walk away. everything but the sex is absolutely perfect and the sex is AMAZIMG if im not in my head.. I never had even considered a poly relationship I have always said I play well I don't share well, this just happened and now here we are. I love both of these people they literally do j9t spend time alone together neither of them want to, neither of them want or have any desire to dp anything with eachother without me there but my brain is screaming at me that im going to mess up my marriage or maybe they will even though they have given me zero reason to question. They tell me how seeing me love the other is beautiful and wonderful and they love it all and yet im over here freaking out almost every time we have a sexual encounter that involves all 3 of us together.. maybe im not ment for a poly dynamic idk... at this point I love them both so much and they love me and have care for eachother. Idk what im asking for here I am overwhelmed with emotion. B has told me that without me she wouldnt look at my husband and T has told me he could never look at another woman as more then just my significant other that I just so happen to bring into our bed. Hes never not one single time asked for the 3 of us to get together sexually it was me from the start. I'll answer questions of any kind and take any advise.

I’m going to try and keep this short, but basically I have a boyfriend of 2 and a half years. I truly believe he is my soulmate, and I don’t think we’ve ever left our honeymoon stage because of how in love we are. However, we’re friends with this person (I’ll call them Penelope) and I’ve found myself developing (what I think) is a crush on them? We’ve been friends for about 5 years, but I can’t help but wish they’d text me more, call me more, and I find them extremely attractive.
I’m also having the same issue with another person in our friend group, but it’s not as intense. Anyways, earlier today they mentioned that they think a girl has a crush on them, and she invited Penelope over. Penelope was so happy, but I can’t help but feel a little jealous.
Now I should say that in the past I used to develop a crush on any man that was even a little nice to me, and I still have this issue which makes me feel extremely guilty. I can’t tell if this is actually a crush or something else? Maybe I’m just attracted to them but the idea of being in a polyamorous relationship with Penelope and my current boyfriend wouldn’t be that bad? But also at the same time scared of disrupting the balance in our current relationship, and he’s a little protective of me. And as far as I know I don’t think my boyfriend is very open to polyamorous relationships anymore (we were in one previously and went monogamous.)
I’m open to any advice, what do I do??

So if you and your primary partner is okay with polyamory but you don’t want to hear each other’s details. Does that still count? Like me and my husband set up the rule that we don’t care what the other does. We just don’t want to know the details unless the other person wants to break-up/ get a divorce. Our polyamory is emotional not sexual. As in, neither of us are having sex with anyone else.

Any thoughts?

I’m not trying to challenge anyone’s beliefs or argue. I’m actually interested in others’ opinions. This is intended to an open-minded discussion. Thank you for keeping any comments respectful.

I’m currently going through a really painful and confusing situation with someone I deeply love. We are both polyamorous and married to our respective partners, and we were together for about 9 months. This was also his first real polyamorous relationship/experience.

Over the course of the relationship, he mentioned multiple times that he struggled with not knowing how to carry or balance everything emotionally. At the time, he thought maybe he just needed to adjust to polyamory and get used to this new way of living and loving.

Our connection became very intense and emotionally important to both of us. A few days before ending things, he reassured me that he wanted to make our relationship work and that talking together had helped him feel more hopeful about how to manage everything. Then very suddenly, he ended the relationship because he felt overwhelmed and unable to balance:

- his relationship with me,
- his relationship with his wife,
- and taking care of himself.

At first it felt impulsive and confusing to me because the emotional connection and love between us clearly hadn’t disappeared. Since the breakup last week we’ve been barely talking, we’re having contact maybe once every few days and trying to understand what happened.

What has become clearer is that he doesn’t feel capable of being a “full partner” to two people at the same time (at this point in his life). He’s realizing he has strong people-pleasing tendencies and difficulty understanding and communicating his own needs and limits before becoming overwhelmed. He wants to go back to therapy and work on that.

What makes this especially hard is that neither of us actually wants to lose the connection. He has told me he still loves me, misses me, thinks about me, and does not see this as necessarily the end of our romantic or intimate connection forever. But he also feels that the specific intensity and structure our relationship had was not sustainable for him.

So right now we are in a very unclear in-between space:

- not together
- but also not emotionally disconnected or fully “over.”

We are trying to figure out whether there is another form of romantic relationship that could exist between us that feels healthier and more sustainable for both of us.

At the same time, I’m trying to understand my own needs and boundaries too:

- what kind of relationship I actually need,
- whether a less intense version would still make me happy,
- and how to navigate loving someone while also protecting my own emotional wellbeing.

It’s been emotionally exhausting because there is still so much love, grief, hope, uncertainty, and attachment all happening at once.

Has anybody been through something similar?

I am a 35 F who desires a polyamourous relationship, harem or hinge style. M / ranging from 36 to 65. I even created a survey for interested men to answer but dont know where to post this or where to start?

I have multiple intimate, loving relationships at once. I have multiple friends who I love immensely. To me, having multiple play partners isn’t much different from that.

But I think I can only see myself being IN love with one person at a time. Falling in love is such an all-encompassing feeling, I struggle to imagine how someone could feel that for more than one person. For me, being in love means wanting to give my whole self to only that person. That is a different thing altogether from loving someone.

I’ve heard polyamory described as loving more than one person. But I wonder if people feel they are IN love with more than one person? I’m just curious about how poly people experience this. I’m also curious about whether how I feel would be considered more aligned with polyamory or monogamy?

I never thought about being in a poly relationship before, it just sounded too complicated, that was, until they came into my life. I moved in with some folks for college, and really bonded with my roommate, we became best friends. Later, I found out she had a boyfriend who lives in another state, and to be honest, I wasn’t thrilled to meet him. Any time previously I met a bi girl dating a straight man it almost never bodes well, and having just come out of a tumultuous long distance relationship myself, I was expecting the worst. They also had planned a lot of fun activities for us to do while he was here, and I was not looking forward to being a thirdwheel, as I often am. How wrong I was!

He is the sweetest man I have truly ever met. It took a little bit of getting used to, as I am skittish around new people, especially cis men, but he wasn’t intimidating, he was kind and easy to talk to. I value his friendship as much as my roommate’s now, and I look forward to every time he visits. I never feel like I’m less important when I hang out with them, and I care about them both so dearly. She is open minded, funny, and the most determined person I have ever met, I love how eccentric she is and I admire her deeply. He is smart, kind, and so empathetic. We share a lot of the same interests, he makes me laugh, and I am constantly amazed by how caring he is. They have done a lot for me, and I for them, and I do not think I will ever regret it.

That said, I can never tell them my feelings. I think she sees me more as a brother, and he is straight. I wouldn’t dare do anything to get between them or possibly damage our friendship. I care too much about keeping them in my life to risk them thinking I am creepy or feeling uncomfortable around me. I have come to terms with it, and though it is a little sad, I am ok with it. I will continue to be the best friend I can to them, and I will continue my own search for someone (or someones) who will feel the same way for me one day.

Me (41M) & Husband (47M) | 5 years together, open for most of it
My husband identified as poly when we met — I understood it conceptually but not emotionally. A couple years ago, distance kept us apart for 1.5 years and he developed a boyfriend during that time. It was a rough adjustment, but I threw myself into resources (therapy, Polysecure, podcasts, this community) and got to a better place. That relationship eventually ended due to communication issues and possessiveness on his boyfriend’s part.

About 8 months ago we met a guy on vacation. My husband stayed in that city for 2 months afterward and they developed a daily hangout routine and a romance. Now we’ve moved back to that city, and since I’m out of the house 11–12 hours a day for work (he works remotely), they spend significant time together — sexual and non-sexual. Husband describes it as a deep friendship, not a relationship, and consistently reassures me I’m his priority. But I can the writing on the wall that this has a strong chance of turning into a relationship.

Here’s where I’ve landed: I’ve realized I’m wired mono. I enjoy FWB situations but don’t want or feel romantic love outside my marriage. I’m on a therapy waitlist for someone who specializes in ENM.

My question: How do people navigate a mono/poly dynamic? Specifically, I’m considering asking for a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) arrangement — not just about sex but about their time together generally. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for? Has it worked for others?