r/mypartneristrans

I am transmasc, my ex came out to me as transfem​. We had been together a little over 7 years, we were married. While my ex was trying to figure themselves out, I at one point said their new hairstyle reminded me of their brother. Because truthfully, it did. Their brother also had long hair with middle-part bangs. Apparently this was a huge mistake, which I apologized for, asked for further clarification (whether it was bad to compare them to any family member, if this extends to things beyond looks [interests, etc]) and said I'd never do it again. It made my partner extremely upset at me, ​and they treated me very poorly in the relationship afterwards. It hurt a lot to have spent so much time with them for one mistake to cause critical damage, especially when ​we'd be around ​friends​ who compared their shaved face to people in popular media​ and they never complained to me about that being a problem. But I also understand that I was their partner so my words hold more weight.

I am so scared of making a similar mistake, or any mistake of that caliber ​again. Not even in a romantic relationship context but​ in a friendly relationship too. Is this something that you all would feel a similar hurt about? Should I avoid comparing someone to anyone? I am okay with making mistakes, but I don't want to hurt people...

EDIT: I am using they pronouns for my transfem partner because that's what is what I was last aware that they wanted me to use. I have not contacted them about or been updated about their preferred​ pronouns since we have separated.

My Partner (AFAB, they/she) and I (cis, he/him) are having a low-stakes argument over whether “asshole” is a gendered insult. Partner thinks it is because “most of the time” when someone calls someone else and asshole, they’re talking about a man and it would be “confusing” to refer to a woman as an asshole. I say it’s not because everyone has an asshole so it should be okay to call anyone an asshole.

The context for this is that I referred to a transphobic woman as an asshole, to which Partner objected and said I shouldn’t misgender her, and then felt annoyed that they needed to defend a transphobe.

Partner and I will settle this argument one way or the other, I just wanted to see what the hive mind thinks.

They’re upset that I’m “reacting poorly” (asking them questions, trying to be curious, wanting to know what they have it mind, I did express some concerns and probably shouldn’t have; mostly just about their safety and etc). And they’re upset that I found out/are taking that as proof that they shouldn’t have had to tell me.

I’m struggling with this, and do still want to be with them and make it work and love them dearly and am happy for them, just anxious and overwhelmed.

My (28) wife ( 29 M to F) is the love of my life we've been together 12 years. There's been so many ups and downs with her transitioning. She's been on E for almost 2 years and it has completely downed her labidos to almost non existent. Thing is I'm no stranger to medication fucking with sex lives. Ever since I've come off all forms of contraception (have been on it since I was 15) my sex drive has sky rocketed.

She has no drive at all, nothing works I've tried so many things to get her in any sort of mood and it's just blank. I'm at a point of no longer trying because I've been turned down more than enough times. She still tells me she loves me and it's not me it's her but it's tearing me up not having any sort of intimacy in our relationship. I crave her body in any and every sort of way, I adore her touch. I try touch her and once again it's blank.

How do you deal with this? Has anyone else dealt with zero sex drive? I miss sex, I miss feelings the sounds everything. I want her so bad but how can I want what isn't there any more? Please any advice would be great!

Sincerely a pent up ball of sex

I’ve always struggled with change, and I am having a hard time accepting my husband’s desire to receive hormones, because I fell in love with him before he realized his gender dysphoria. I still want to be with him, and I will accept him if he elects to do it. I just feel so overwhelmed, and I am scared of my partner becoming unrecognizable.

Context: My partner was assigned Female at Birth. I am a bisexual male. I have had some flings with men before so it is not as though I would not be attracted to my partner when he appears more masculine it is just that I am really intimidated by the change.

So it hasn’t been long since they came out as transgender and I am glad they are being closer to who they are but I keep on worrying that it will cause a change in there personality that will be big so they longer become who I love are we still gonna have the same interests as before and I know that is dumb but I still worry same goes for when they start voice training am I going to hate the voice the get, I though it would be better to get something from others than just let these thoughts spiral and lead me to doing something dumb (again)
Of course I’m still worried about all of the rest like how my family is going to react when they find out but these two things are bothering me the most sorry for the dumb post

Hey everyone,

I’ve never made a post like this before, and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for — maybe advice, maybe just hearing from people who’ve been in a similar situation. I’d especially love to hear from other gay trans men or gay/bi cis men who’ve dated trans men.

I’m 23, a trans man, have been on T for almost 7 years, and I’m pre-op. I’ve been with my boyfriend (27 cis m) for over 2 years and we live together. I’m pansexual and he’s bi, and I’m also the first trans man he’s ever been with.

In the beginning of our relationship, our sex life felt really healthy and adventurous. We both tried new things together, communicated openly, went shopping for toys together, etc. I’ve always been someone who likes keeping things fun and exploring different things sexually.

Over time though, I’ve started noticing that a lot of the effort around intimacy comes from me. I spend a lot of time doing things he enjoys, trying new things for him, initiating, and trying to keep things from getting repetitive. But when it comes to me, there’s very little foreplay or effort on his end, and our sex life has become extremely routine.

Earlier today we had a conversation about it because we barely have sex anymore compared to our first year together, and it’s been making me feel unwanted or unattractive. During that conversation, he admitted that he doesn’t really like interacting with my pre-op anatomy sexually. He said he’s a “texture person” and just isn’t into it.

That honestly hurt a lot, especially because I’ve kind of suspected it for a while. Looking back, there were signs — he never really seemed comfortable with certain things involving my body, and even when we made videos together, he only wanted content focused on me doing things to him rather than anything involving my body directly.

What makes this more confusing emotionally is that he’s okay with PIV sex, but he doesn’t seem interested in any other kind of interaction involving my downstairs or foreplay focused on me. I think that’s part of why this has been affecting my self-esteem so much.

I know everyone has preferences and boundaries, and I’m not angry at him for not liking certain things. I just wish he’d been honest sooner because it explains a lot of things that have been making me feel insecure and undesired.

I guess what I’m asking is:
Have any other trans men been in relationships with cis men who weren’t fully comfortable with their pre-op body? If so, how did you navigate that emotionally and sexually? Did things improve with communication, or did it end up becoming a compatibility issue long term?

I think I’m struggling with figuring out whether this is something workable or if it’s slowly damaging my self-esteem more than I realized.

im ftm and have been dating my gf (mtf) for about 10 months now. when we first got together i had only been w cis women before and had never really enjoyed sex, it was always something I experienced as a chore tbh and not something I’ve genuinely liked engaging in. im also extremely dysphoric and tended to make sure the focus was on my partner rather than myself. Im also in a long term relationship with a cis girl (we’re poly), and we have sex maybe twice a year as I just don’t really enjoy it (that’s part of the reason we’re open).

when my (trans) girlfriend and I first started dating, I made clear to her that I have a weird relationship to sex and that I might never feel comfortable being completely naked, etc. However, we fell in love so hard and so fast that I have actually been able to have sex with her, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before - I won’t go too into detail lol but I have never been more attracted to anyone in my life and the sex is otherworldly (for both of us!)

when we first started dating we chatted a bit about her getting bottom surgery, and she said some pretty mixed things to me - she said she wanted it and was in the process of scheduling it, but it wouldn’t be for another few years. She also hinted a few times that she would have to think twice about whether or not she wanted it any more, because now she has a partner that makes her feel good about her body.

At the time I didn’t really think much of any of it at all, it didn’t matter whether she had surgery or not as I don’t really care about genitals. But as time has gone on, I think I’ve come to realise that I don’t enjoy sex with people with vaginas. I don’t like going down on them, and I think it really exacerbates my dysphoria to have the same genitals as a female partner.

All of this is something I’ve been grappling with for a few months on my own, but it’s become somewhat urgent as my gf’s surgery date has been moved forward by a whole year, and I don’t know how I feel about it. On the one hand, we’re so deeply in love that I can’t imagine a surgery could possibly change that. It seems insane to break up with someone prematurely over the possibility of a dead bedroom when we have something so special and like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Like, I can’t know for sure that it will change how I am attracted to her so I don’t want to make any rash moves

On the other hand, I am worried it will change my attraction to her (and her attraction to me) and kill off our sex life/relationship (the sex is a pretty major part of the relationship tbh), and I don’t want to initiate a break up post-surgery when she is vulnerable. I’m also worried I won’t be able to celebrate her surgery properly because I’m associating the whole thing with the potential end of our relationship, and I really do want to be happy for her because it’s such a big deal :(

I’d really appreciate if people could be kind in the comments - I know how awful this sounds and I feel absolutely terrible about it all. This was never my intention at all; I had no idea I had a ‘genital preference’(?) before we started dating. I have never and will never try to convince her not to get the surgery. The idea of breaking up with her is making me suicidal and im relapsing w a lot of bad behaviours I haven’t done for like 4 years. I have set up some sessions with a trans therapist to talk this out too. I have never felt like this about anyone before (and neither has she), and I just can’t imagine my life without her :’(

I (30s AFAB NB) am really down right now and just need to vent and be heard.

My only serious relationship in life has an end timer, and it's not by my choice. I love my wife (30s MtF,) absolutely love her. I have been there pushing through and carrying the lion's share of effort for all our hardships and joys, waiting for her to just put any effort into our lives.

I was supportive when she realized who she truly is. Supportive when her family disowned her for being herself. Supportive when she fell in love and had an emotional and online affair. Supportive when she admitted she has never been sexually attracted to me and that I have the wrong genitals. Supportive when she said we should open up our relationship, but that she wants to still be nesting partners with me and stay with our little family. Supportive (and hopeful) when she struggled with jealousy & anger after I started dating. Supportive when her heart was broken, several times. Supportive through her mood swings and changes.

My wife admitted she's never been romantically in love with me last year. She admitted she's never been sexually attracted to me last year. She was adamant the entire time that she wanted to stay with me because we were family and she loved me, just not romantically. That she loved our little life we built and didn't want to lose it. That she wanted us to support each other and be there for each other as nesting partners. Build a joint family with our future partners.

She told me yesterday that she doesn't want to grow old with me. She doesn't want to continue with our previously agreed life choices. She wants to find happiness and grow old with someone she loves romantically and has a deep sexual connection with. She wants to be a bride.

There is an end date to us, but it's not decided. It'll probably be after the children graduate. I love her so much. I fell in love with her, the real her. The person she always has been, but has hidden behind compulsive heteronormativity. I put every ounce of fight I had into supporting this relationship, growing it into its next evolution. I pushed away every anxiety, fear, and intuitive thought that tried to point out the truth of how she felt about me down for almost two decades. I stamped down my inherent reactions fueled from poor self esteem, abandonment, neurodiversoty, and emotional neglect as a child. I labeled my subconscious recognition of the truth as fear and anxiety; irrational. A basic response based on trauma and mental health. The whole time it was my pattern recognition skills trying to push through the subconscious layers to warn me. My effort, support, love, and our time together isn't enough. She can't see a life long term with me.

I feel like a burden. Like an old toy that's been thrown into the donate box, just waiting for the day I'm dropped. Leftover, broken, and purposeless.

Every aspect of my life feels like a train hurtling at a heightened velocity towards a massive derailment. My career, marriage, health, friendships with coworkers. It's all culminating together to create this massive pressure system and I can't find a release valve that will not cause the whole thing to explode or spill.

I feel like I'm losing everything I've built. Every effort I have expended was just another piece on an unstable foundation, destined to collapse.

There is no foreseeable way to come out of this without everything falling apart.

The most terrifying component to this debacle is not that I don't know how I am going to pick up all these pieces; it is that I don't know if I want to. I have been fighting on every front of life with minimal backup for so long that I am now drained of all the drive and fight. I don't feel like I have anything left to try to rebuild, start fresh. After 30+ years of giving all my energy to everyone but me, I don't know if I have any left for myself.

Today we are supposed to celebrate mother's day for us both as a family. Our little self-made unit. All I want to do is crawl into a small dark space and grieve. Cry until my body fails. Dissociate for hours on end. However, I have to be strong for the kids. I have to pull myself together, once again, put on a mask, and pretend that my life as I have visualized it isn't falling apart right in front of my eyes.

Pretend that there is no expiration date to what I thought was my future.

A future that never truly belonged to me.

Going on a trip with my gf’s family soon, who have just officially learned that we are dating. My gf has warned me that I’ll likely be cornered / isolated at some point to be questioned, frankly, “why are you dating a transgender?” And similar weird things.

I like to be witty / disruptive with my responses to their transphobia. I nearly got kicked out of my first dinner with my gf’s dad for pretending not to recognize her deadname when he referred to her with it. So I’m going to stand firm that I am a Straight man (which im not), to prove that I view her purely as a girlfriend, and that liking her does not “mean I’m gay”.

Currently I’m thinking of saying, “well, i’m a tits guy, and she has those.”

Edit: before more comments come in questioning my gf and I’s judgement, no we do not WANT to be around these people. We are college students peacemaking with people my gf is still financially dependent on.
I am looking for non-serious responses purely because my relationship with them is very temporary.

My (cis female) partner (mtf) just came out socially a few weeks ago. she has gotten a lot of support from coworkers and other folks. We have a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. When we told the kids, our son took it pretty hard. There was lots of crying and him begging me to convince my partner not to do this. Our daughter took it better but still says “I don’t want dad to be girl.”

Our son is very social at school and heavily involved in travel baseball. He loves his dad a lot (partner says kids can still say “dad”) but he is embarrassed for my partner to come to school events and baseball games.

My partner is understandably hurt by this. I’m not really sure what to do. I don’t want my partner to feel like she has to hide, but I also understand that when you’re 10, your friends mean everything. As adults, it’s easy for us to say that if it bothers your friends then they aren’t your real friends. But we’re able to say that after years of life experience.

Whats the right course of action here? Have my partner stay away from certain events until my son is ready, or tell my son to deal with it?

Just wanted to share something nice from this week!

My partner had an initial appointment phone call with a doctor this week for an undiagnosed health issue. I didn't realise at the time but I think beforehand I was bracing for potential transphobia/lack of understanding or acceptance.

But it was great! The doctor started by asking what pronouns he should use, and then he listened to my gf's concerns and took them seriously. He did briefly mention when discussing their about current medication that he could see they were on HRT, asked if it was for transition, and checked they had medical support for that and that there weren't any concerns from the gender team around the health issue they were there for. And that was all, no trans broken arm syndrome or pretending that someone being on hormones means you can't treat other, totally separate, medical issues. Then at the end of the appointment he even checked if it was ok to mention the HRT for transition in the letter he was going to send on to their GP.

I've had bad experiences myself with feeling unheard by medical professionals, and I was especially nervous for my partner given the things you hear about transphobic or just plain ignorant health practitioners. This was a breath of fresh air and showed how much these things can make a difference! We shared a sense of relief and pleasant surprise after, and I'm feeling hopeful that as they continue to see this doctor that they'll be respected and treated as they deserve. Wishing this for all of you, and your partners too!

My fiancee wants to transition mtf. We've been together for 4 years and they said they felt this way at year 3 but didn't want to tell me because they were afraid of losing me. I know it's not their fault but I can't help but feel lost. We fell in love at first sight and I wanted to be everything for them. They didn't tell me about feeling androgynous until the end of year 1 and it took me some time to figure out if I wanted to be with them and I felt like I loved them more then that so maybe I could get over it. It took 5 months but I eventually got used to it. Then when we had our first bad fight they got onto grinder to get back at me. They say they didn't do anything but after all this I don't know if I believe that.

I didn't find out they took estrogen (years before we go together) until the end of year 3 but I didn't think anything of it cause they were going through a rough time at that point and I believed them when they said they stopped and didn't like it. Now I found out they has been thinking of transitioning since I left for my job in another state while they're working in another state as we were trying to move and they told me they felt relieved when I left so they could find themself.

I feel like it's not fair I didn't know this was going on. I feel horrible that we didn't work this out together that they were alone. I feel lied to which is selfish and I know that but I had every intention to love them unconditionally till I died and now I don't know if I can. What's even worse is I would always say not to change themself for me cause then they would resent me but I guess I should've taken my own advice cause now I resent them.

But gosh it hurts the fact that I guess they could never be themself around me. I don't want to let them go. We talked about growing old and dying together. My entire life is shaped around them there is nothing that I own that is just mine it's ours. I don't want to let my happiness go and I truly feel like my world is burning right now. I don't want them to be with anyone else I want them to be with me. But I don't know if I could love them like I used to if they changed and I'm tired of changing myself hoping it'll be enough. They have been going to therapy for a while and felt this way for about a year so the fact that I am finding this all out now hits me with about every emotion available.

Im scared I don't know what to do I love them I don't want it to end. This feels out of the blue and I'm scared there's other stuff they're hiding. But we've had such a fairytale love story I don't want anyone else I want my lover.

I have been dating this person for two years. We became boyfriend and girlfriend and had very good moments. We started living together six months after we began dating, and everything was going well. We had arguments about coworkers because some of them wanted to go out with me, and he became very jealous—at times even possessive, despite us not having been together for very long.

One time he took my phone when I went to the bathroom. That upset me because I didn’t feel we had enough trust for that kind of invasion of privacy. From that point on, we started checking each other’s phones and sharing passwords, etc., until last year when he began saying I didn’t need to have his password and started acting strange. He no longer wanted to go out anywhere, he didn’t hug me anymore, and it felt like I was just living with a friend because he spent all his time on the computer.

Then one day I decided to take his phone while he was asleep (it was unlocked), and I looked through it because I suspected he was cheating. I found a letter where he talked about wanting to be a transgender woman, about having these desires, jealousy, and depression from not knowing what he should do, since he didn’t want to lose his family and friends. This completely shocked me and broke my heart. Part of me understood that he deserves to be happy and accepted, but another part of me felt hurt because he talked a lot about not wanting to lose his friends and family, but never mentioned anything about his “girlfriend.”

I talked to him, and the relationship became very difficult because I felt like he had lied to me the entire time and had never been honest with me or even mentioned this topic. After that, we continued acting like nothing had happened, but he still kept his phone and computer locked.

Later, on another occasion, he forgot his computer open and I found that he paid for trans OnlyFans content. He also saved photos of women he had had sexting conversations with before, and I found that he searched porn sites specifically for transgender porn.

I feel like one thing I could manage was him being trans in secret, but another completely different thing was him complaining about having to pay for our dates, while he could spend $30 on photos of a trans woman.

We talked about it and he begged me to forgive him and said everything would change. I know I shouldn’t go through his phone, but when you are in a relationship like this, you start questioning whether you are enough, whether they are lying, or whether they are seeing someone else. So I checked his phone again without him knowing, and I did this many times.

During that time, I found more photos of people from work, especially women. He would save screenshots of them, zoom in on them, and then delete them. This made me very sad because I would see the same people he worked with on his phone. He would excuse it by saying he was jealous of them or just trying to understand transition processes, and telling me I don’t understand how he feels. But he has never thought about how I feel seeing all of this and seeing the same coworkers on his phone.

I also found conversations in ChatGPT where he says he is finally going to start hormones and do this without telling anyone while still living with me. He keeps saying how worried he is about his family and childhood friends, but he never mentions me. I have never found a picture of me on his phone always other people, people we know.

A week ago, I found more deleted photos and videos of coworkers saved from their social media. I also found many photos of him dressed as a woman, and what shocked me the most was a video of him recording himself with a dildo and sex toys, as if it were content for OnlyFans.

Every time I confront him, he just tells me I make him feel bad about who he is. But he never told me about any of this. I have tried to deal with everything and support him, telling him that if he feels this way he can transition and deserves to be happy and loved, but I just don’t know how to continue anymore. I don’t know if I should stay with him. This is too much for me. I feel like everything I have lived with him has been a lie. Like I was just a disguise for him.

He also records girls from work to keep the videos on his phone. I love him and care for him deeply,he is also my best friend. I’ve tried to support him and be there for him whenever I can I’ve even done his makeup and painted his nails, pretending it was just something I wanted to do for the sake of learning. I wanted to earn his trust, but it seems I never will.Even though he says he only likes women, I just don’t know anymore what to believe.What I should do ?

I hope this is ok. My ex husband/wife transitioned to female and I have been wondering about some things. I'm really not a rage baiter or hater or trying to make some point or argue.

I'm just curious when there are two women in a relationship and you have kids together and one of you transitions to male, how do you deal with the aspects of things like Fathers day, calling him dad, doing stereotypical dad things like going to daughter dad dances, etc?

If the children are in touch with a biological father, do you do fathers day together or do you just stick with mother's day?

One thing I noticed is that kids of MTF people seem to still treat mom like a mom and treat the transwoman parent like a dad. But I only have talked to a few people about it. I just wonder how people navigate it in this culture.

If this isn't OK I will delete, no problem. I can share more about my experience too if that makes you more comfortable.

If I sound harsh I don’t mean to, I just want to get my point across clear. I love him a lot and our relationship is amazing. I want the best for him and I want us to grow together as a couple. We have great communication except for the issues below as this just feels too sensitive.

TLDR: 30F have been with 30FtM for nearly 5 years. He wants to medically transition but is delaying it until he comes out to his religious parents - which may not happen for years. They don’t know I’m his partner, and I’m uncomfortable with the idea of a secret marriage. I’m also worried about how future transition changes might affect attraction and our dynamic. I want to support him, but I’m starting to feel stuck and unsure how to move forward without pressuring him.

My partner came out at age 15. Everyone in his life knows except his religious parents. He sees them once or twice a month. He thinks one parent will be okay with it and the other will either disown him or they’ll act like nothing has changed (in a negative way), or just that the relationship will never be the same, so I understand the reservation.

When we first got together 5 years ago he would talk about being excited for top surgery and going on T, and he still talks about it to this day. The amount he used to mention it I thought he meant within the next few years but I’ve spoke about this with him and he said he wouldn’t do either of these things until his parents know. I get the feeling from other conversations that this will still be several years away… I just want to say I know not everyone wants to physically transition and that’s not the problem; I just know he’ll feel so much better in himself if he has both or either of these things as it’s what he wants, and he says itll help his dysphoria. His dysphoria has also been affecting our sex life, when it happens it’s amazing but we do it a lot less than we used to/ I would like. He also gets misgendered about 50% of the time we go out and sometimes it hurts him, I can see that and it hurts me in turn.

I also worry is that the longer he leaves is, his access to T will be hard or not at all, because of my countries politics, not to mention top surgery is going up in price.

Another worry is that by the time he goes on T, I’ll be so used to the relationship now it that I won’t be able to adapt to his change in smell, bottom growth etc. Also I really hate facial hair (I only like how it looks when it’s thick but even then I don’t like the feeling of it) but I know he will want to grow it out whatever stage it’s at.

Finally, we’re wanting to get engaged and married within the next 5 years. His parents think I’m only a friend and I’ve never met them. We’d get eloped so attendance isn’t the issue but I would feel uncomfortable getting married if he wasn’t out to his parents. I also think there’s a chance that us getting married would be delayed because he wants to be out to his parents first but he can’t find it in him to tell them…. I’m just not okay being in a secret marriage.

I’ve not spoken to him about a lot of the above as I don’t want him to feel bad about himself or put any extra pressure on him which he already feels in himself.

Do you have any advice for us/me? What do I say to him??