girlfriends bottom surgery, potential breakup
im ftm and have been dating my gf (mtf) for about 10 months now. when we first got together i had only been w cis women before and had never really enjoyed sex, it was always something I experienced as a chore tbh and not something I’ve genuinely liked engaging in. im also extremely dysphoric and tended to make sure the focus was on my partner rather than myself. Im also in a long term relationship with a cis girl (we’re poly), and we have sex maybe twice a year as I just don’t really enjoy it (that’s part of the reason we’re open).
when my (trans) girlfriend and I first started dating, I made clear to her that I have a weird relationship to sex and that I might never feel comfortable being completely naked, etc. However, we fell in love so hard and so fast that I have actually been able to have sex with her, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before - I won’t go too into detail lol but I have never been more attracted to anyone in my life and the sex is otherworldly (for both of us!)
when we first started dating we chatted a bit about her getting bottom surgery, and she said some pretty mixed things to me - she said she wanted it and was in the process of scheduling it, but it wouldn’t be for another few years. She also hinted a few times that she would have to think twice about whether or not she wanted it any more, because now she has a partner that makes her feel good about her body.
At the time I didn’t really think much of any of it at all, it didn’t matter whether she had surgery or not as I don’t really care about genitals. But as time has gone on, I think I’ve come to realise that I don’t enjoy sex with people with vaginas. I don’t like going down on them, and I think it really exacerbates my dysphoria to have the same genitals as a female partner.
All of this is something I’ve been grappling with for a few months on my own, but it’s become somewhat urgent as my gf’s surgery date has been moved forward by a whole year, and I don’t know how I feel about it. On the one hand, we’re so deeply in love that I can’t imagine a surgery could possibly change that. It seems insane to break up with someone prematurely over the possibility of a dead bedroom when we have something so special and like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Like, I can’t know for sure that it will change how I am attracted to her so I don’t want to make any rash moves
On the other hand, I am worried it will change my attraction to her (and her attraction to me) and kill off our sex life/relationship (the sex is a pretty major part of the relationship tbh), and I don’t want to initiate a break up post-surgery when she is vulnerable. I’m also worried I won’t be able to celebrate her surgery properly because I’m associating the whole thing with the potential end of our relationship, and I really do want to be happy for her because it’s such a big deal :(
I’d really appreciate if people could be kind in the comments - I know how awful this sounds and I feel absolutely terrible about it all. This was never my intention at all; I had no idea I had a ‘genital preference’(?) before we started dating. I have never and will never try to convince her not to get the surgery. The idea of breaking up with her is making me suicidal and im relapsing w a lot of bad behaviours I haven’t done for like 4 years. I have set up some sessions with a trans therapist to talk this out too. I have never felt like this about anyone before (and neither has she), and I just can’t imagine my life without her :’(