Can a relationship work if your partner isn’t into your pre-op body?
Hey everyone,
I’ve never made a post like this before, and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for — maybe advice, maybe just hearing from people who’ve been in a similar situation. I’d especially love to hear from other gay trans men or gay/bi cis men who’ve dated trans men.
I’m 23, a trans man, have been on T for almost 7 years, and I’m pre-op. I’ve been with my boyfriend (27 cis m) for over 2 years and we live together. I’m pansexual and he’s bi, and I’m also the first trans man he’s ever been with.
In the beginning of our relationship, our sex life felt really healthy and adventurous. We both tried new things together, communicated openly, went shopping for toys together, etc. I’ve always been someone who likes keeping things fun and exploring different things sexually.
Over time though, I’ve started noticing that a lot of the effort around intimacy comes from me. I spend a lot of time doing things he enjoys, trying new things for him, initiating, and trying to keep things from getting repetitive. But when it comes to me, there’s very little foreplay or effort on his end, and our sex life has become extremely routine.
Earlier today we had a conversation about it because we barely have sex anymore compared to our first year together, and it’s been making me feel unwanted or unattractive. During that conversation, he admitted that he doesn’t really like interacting with my pre-op anatomy sexually. He said he’s a “texture person” and just isn’t into it.
That honestly hurt a lot, especially because I’ve kind of suspected it for a while. Looking back, there were signs — he never really seemed comfortable with certain things involving my body, and even when we made videos together, he only wanted content focused on me doing things to him rather than anything involving my body directly.
What makes this more confusing emotionally is that he’s okay with PIV sex, but he doesn’t seem interested in any other kind of interaction involving my downstairs or foreplay focused on me. I think that’s part of why this has been affecting my self-esteem so much.
I know everyone has preferences and boundaries, and I’m not angry at him for not liking certain things. I just wish he’d been honest sooner because it explains a lot of things that have been making me feel insecure and undesired.
I guess what I’m asking is:
Have any other trans men been in relationships with cis men who weren’t fully comfortable with their pre-op body? If so, how did you navigate that emotionally and sexually? Did things improve with communication, or did it end up becoming a compatibility issue long term?
I think I’m struggling with figuring out whether this is something workable or if it’s slowly damaging my self-esteem more than I realized.