u/TurbulentAnimator275

Spouse came out to a couple other people a month ago, I found some things and asked if it was a possibility (I was afraid I was being cheated on) and they told me they’re trans and got upset. I understand they felt forced to tell me, but idk. I’m also hurt they didn’t want to tell me as their spouse. Anyone decided not to tell their spouse first? Can I ask why?

They also don’t want me to talk to any friends or family about it so I don’t out them, and they’re uncomfortable that I know since I “reacted badly” was overwhelmed/blindsided/probably not as supportive as I could have been in the first 48 hours of knowing. I asked a lot of questions about their plan, and their expectations, and I told them I support them and will be here for them and want to stay together and that I’m excited for them, just overwhelmed.

Still, I probably could have reacted better, I just struggle with change. Did you not want your partner to speak to anyone about it once you told them/they found out? I genuinely want to center their experience, it just feels like it will impact me too as what I thought of myself as a cishet person in a now queer relationship. (I’m open to new experiences and seeing if we can make it work, as are they).

Edit: I want to be a good partner and I want to learn and I want to support them, that’s why I’m here, it’s just a bit new to me after knowing for 3 days and being together for years.

Also they’re not the only trans person in my life, I’ve been accepting of others in prior experiences - so I guess I just feel like I missed something.

They’re upset that I’m “reacting poorly” (asking them questions, trying to be curious, wanting to know what they have it mind, I did express some concerns and probably shouldn’t have; mostly just about their safety and etc). And they’re upset that I found out/are taking that as proof that they shouldn’t have had to tell me.

I’m struggling with this, and do still want to be with them and make it work and love them dearly and am happy for them, just anxious and overwhelmed.

How was it for you, and how did you work on reframing them in your mind?

I love them, I support them, and I want to be the best partner I can be. I just struggle with things being different than how I expected.

No transphobia and no “break up” advice please.

Edit: please be gentle with me, my partner doesn’t want me to tell anyone IRL and out them, so I’m just a bit alone on this one rn

Just feeling kind of isolated / alone.

If anyone is in a similar situation with a spouse, I’d love to chat.

(They don’t want me to out them to anyone to talk to them).

Married some years, together more than that.