u/Okthen8008

If I sound harsh I don’t mean to, I just want to get my point across clear. I love him a lot and our relationship is amazing. I want the best for him and I want us to grow together as a couple. We have great communication except for the issues below as this just feels too sensitive.

TLDR: 30F have been with 30FtM for nearly 5 years. He wants to medically transition but is delaying it until he comes out to his religious parents - which may not happen for years. They don’t know I’m his partner, and I’m uncomfortable with the idea of a secret marriage. I’m also worried about how future transition changes might affect attraction and our dynamic. I want to support him, but I’m starting to feel stuck and unsure how to move forward without pressuring him.

My partner came out at age 15. Everyone in his life knows except his religious parents. He sees them once or twice a month. He thinks one parent will be okay with it and the other will either disown him or they’ll act like nothing has changed (in a negative way), or just that the relationship will never be the same, so I understand the reservation.

When we first got together 5 years ago he would talk about being excited for top surgery and going on T, and he still talks about it to this day. The amount he used to mention it I thought he meant within the next few years but I’ve spoke about this with him and he said he wouldn’t do either of these things until his parents know. I get the feeling from other conversations that this will still be several years away… I just want to say I know not everyone wants to physically transition and that’s not the problem; I just know he’ll feel so much better in himself if he has both or either of these things as it’s what he wants, and he says itll help his dysphoria. His dysphoria has also been affecting our sex life, when it happens it’s amazing but we do it a lot less than we used to/ I would like. He also gets misgendered about 50% of the time we go out and sometimes it hurts him, I can see that and it hurts me in turn.

I also worry is that the longer he leaves is, his access to T will be hard or not at all, because of my countries politics, not to mention top surgery is going up in price.

Another worry is that by the time he goes on T, I’ll be so used to the relationship now it that I won’t be able to adapt to his change in smell, bottom growth etc. Also I really hate facial hair (I only like how it looks when it’s thick but even then I don’t like the feeling of it) but I know he will want to grow it out whatever stage it’s at.

Finally, we’re wanting to get engaged and married within the next 5 years. His parents think I’m only a friend and I’ve never met them. We’d get eloped so attendance isn’t the issue but I would feel uncomfortable getting married if he wasn’t out to his parents. I also think there’s a chance that us getting married would be delayed because he wants to be out to his parents first but he can’t find it in him to tell them…. I’m just not okay being in a secret marriage.

I’ve not spoken to him about a lot of the above as I don’t want him to feel bad about himself or put any extra pressure on him which he already feels in himself.

Do you have any advice for us/me? What do I say to him??

TLDR: My 4-year relationship is struggling due to my mental health and a new condition that means I may need more support. I feel unsupported while he feels drained, and after a hospital stay I realised I don’t feel I can fully lean on him. He says he doesn’t want to break up, but things feel off and I worry he’s staying out of obligation. I don’t know whether to stay and risk overwhelming him or leave and lose my main support.

I feel stuck between needing lots of support but also not wanting to trap him in something that’s too much. What would you do?

Me and my boyfriend (late 20s, 4 years together) have been on the rocks recently. I’ve been struggling with PMDD, ADHD, anxiety and depression, and I feel unsupported at times, while he feels drained. I don’t think either of us are “wrong,” we’re just clashing (for the first time ever).

I went to stay with family to get some space, and while I was there I ended up in hospital (something new and scary, not life-threatening but potentially life-changing). I didn’t tell him until the next day because I didn’t want to worry him or feel like a burden, and honestly didn’t feel like I could lean on him. My mum said that’s a bad sign and you should always feel like you can lean on your partner for support...but maybe not in this context?

Before all this, I had a feeling he might break up with me. After I told him about the hospital and asked if he wanted to break up with me he said no of course not, but things feel “off.” I’m now worried he might feel like he can’t break up with me because of everything going on, or that he’s staying out of responsibility rather than love.

My condition means I might need more support day-to-day (some days I won’t be able to go out alone), and I’m currently not working (may return soon or reduced hours or not at all idk). My family live far away and I don’t want to move to them. He’s said before I need lean on others more, not just him, which I agree with - but now I’ll need even more support, which could drain him further…

I care about him deeply and don’t want him to resent me, but I also don’t know if breaking up is the right thing when he says he doesn’t want that.

TLDR: a month ago I suddenly became very anxious, overwhelmed and low, and asked my bf for space and more emotional support, but he hasn’t really adjusted. I am hurting and feel unseen. He feels criticised and exhausted. I also don’t have close friends/family to lean on, so I’m unsure if I’m asking for too much or just not getting my needs met. I had an anxiety attack 2 days ago and now he wants space. I think he might break up with me or maybe I should let him go. Is there any way i can fix this when I feel so awful. Where do we go from here?

Sorry this is so long. Any advice about dealing with neurodivergence/pmdd/mental health struggles in a relationship is appreciated.

29f+28ftm together nearly 4 years and live together. We’re opposites in that he’s very approachable and happy-go-lucky and I am more reserved and feel things very deeply (black cat/golden retriever type). I’ve always struggled suffered with my moods but Ive try my best to be healthy about them and take a breather when I need.

About a month ago, almost overnight, I became extremely overwhelmed, anxious and low (I think I may be experiencing burnout even though I have a pretty slow life). I didn’t want my boyfriend to talk to me, touch me, or even be near me, which is very unlike us as we’re usually very affectionate (aside from ongoing issues with hardly any sex for the past year which I have been struggling with but he is okay with).

At first I admit I didn’t handle myself well, but as soon as I realised what I was feeling I communicated that I needed space and emotional support, and said I thought it might be linked to my ADHD meds. But when I’m clearly down/not acting myself, he either acts normal and tries to cheer me up (which makes me feel worse), or vaguely ask “you okay?”. I’ve asked him to acknowledge my mood more directly, like checking in properly, but he hasn’t done this. He also hasn’t really respected my need for space, I’ve had to repeatedly remind him. I know it sounds horrible for me to suddenly withdraw so physically and emotionally but I just can’t, life feels too much right now and I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions.

I also don’t feel supported in the ways I need. He listens if I’m upset, but he doesn’t offer me any words of support (I would love him to say “I hear you, I see you, and I’m here for you” and I told him that) or practical help like cooking and chores. When I brought this up, he said I was criticising him and that he is trying, and I said that wasn’t my intention and I’m sorry but I also don’t feel like the changes I asked for have happened. He does give me car rides sometimes which I appreciate but recently only if I give him money…I worry that I don’t do enough for him and he’s feeling undervalued, but I also wish he would do more for me (he has way more energy than me e.g is neurotypical, less demanding job with less hours, needs ways less sleep so has more time than me).

I also don’t have close friends or family to talk to, which makes this feel even more isolating. I feel very insular and just me me me (in a negative way). I’m currently seeking counselling/therapy, private is too expensive so the free resources take a while to access.

A couple days ago I had an anxiety attack and couldn’t stop crying I couldn’t explain why and I said it’s work (a hug source of anxiety for me). He helped me catch my breathe then asked for a hug I said no and he left for his friends bday. That evening when he returned I was very quiet, not ignoring him I just didn’t say anything. We didn’t kiss or cuddle and fell asleep and I think he was crying but I was half asleep so not sure. The next morning I said sorry I was so quiet, I just didn’t have anything to say, and were you crying and do you want a hug. He said yes he was and no to the hug and that he needs space. Anything practical I’ve spoke to him about since then he’s been cold with me. I asked why he needs space and he said hes emotionally exhausted. He’s never once asked this in our nearly 4 years together. The irony is I’ve now got the space I was originally asking for, and have been able to regulate myself. Although I feel bad that he feels bad. I also feel bad for myself that I was so vulnerable with my anxiety attack and he’s just left me.

I don’t know how to handle the relationship now. I feel like he might even break up with me. Maybe I should break up with him. I feel like I might be expecting too much, but also like my needs aren’t being met. I feel really sad and don’t know what to do.

TLDR: a month ago I suddenly became very anxious, overwhelmed and low, and asked my bf for space and more emotional support, but he hasn’t really adjusted. I am hurting and feel unseen. He feels criticised and exhausted. I also don’t have close friends/family to lean on, so I’m unsure if I’m asking for too much or just not getting my needs met. I had an anxiety attack 2 days ago and now he wants space. I think he might break up with me or maybe I should let him go. Is there any way i can fix this when I feel so awful. Where do we go from here?

Sorry this is so long. Any advice about dealing with neurodivergence/pmdd/mental health struggles in a relationship is appreciated.

29f+28ftm together nearly 4 years and live together. We’re opposites in that he’s very approachable and happy-go-lucky and I am more reserved and feel things very deeply (black cat/golden retriever type). I’ve always struggled suffered with my moods but Ive try my best to be healthy about them and take a breather when I need.

About a month ago, almost overnight, I became extremely overwhelmed, anxious and low (I think I may be experiencing burnout even though I have a pretty slow life). I didn’t want my boyfriend to talk to me, touch me, or even be near me, which is very unlike us as we’re usually very affectionate (aside from ongoing issues with hardly any sex for the past year which I have been struggling with but he is okay with).

At first I admit I didn’t handle myself well, but as soon as I realised what I was feeling I communicated that I needed space and emotional support, and said I thought it might be linked to my ADHD meds. But when I’m clearly down/not acting myself, he either acts normal and tries to cheer me up (which makes me feel worse), or vaguely ask “you okay?”. I’ve asked him to acknowledge my mood more directly, like checking in properly, but he hasn’t done this. He also hasn’t really respected my need for space, I’ve had to repeatedly remind him. I know it sounds horrible for me to suddenly withdraw so physically and emotionally but I just can’t, life feels too much right now and I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions.

I also don’t feel supported in the ways I need. He listens if I’m upset, but he doesn’t offer me any words of support (I would love him to say “I hear you, I see you, and I’m here for you” and I told him that) or practical help like cooking and chores. When I brought this up, he said I was criticising him and that he is trying, and I said that wasn’t my intention and I’m sorry but I also don’t feel like the changes I asked for have happened. He does give me car rides sometimes which I appreciate but recently only if I give him money…I worry that I don’t do enough for him and he’s feeling undervalued, but I also wish he would do more for me (he has way more energy than me e.g is neurotypical, less demanding job with less hours, needs ways less sleep so has more time than me).

I also don’t have close friends or family to talk to, which makes this feel even more isolating. I feel very insular and just me me me (in a negative way). I’m currently seeking counselling/therapy, private is too expensive so the free resources take a while to access.

A couple days ago I had an anxiety attack and couldn’t stop crying I couldn’t explain why and I said it’s work (a hug source of anxiety for me). He helped me catch my breathe then asked for a hug I said no and he left for his friends bday. That evening when he returned I was very quiet, not ignoring him I just didn’t say anything. We didn’t kiss or cuddle and fell asleep and I think he was crying but I was half asleep so not sure. The next morning I said sorry I was so quiet, I just didn’t have anything to say, and were you crying and do you want a hug. He said yes he was and no to the hug and that he needs space. Anything practical I’ve spoke to him about since then he’s been cold with me. I asked why he needs space and he said hes emotionally exhausted. He’s never once asked this in our nearly 4 years together. The irony is I’ve now got the space I was originally asking for, and have been able to regulate myself. Although I feel bad that he feels bad. I also feel bad for myself that I was so vulnerable with my anxiety attack and he’s just left me.

I don’t know how to handle the relationship now. I feel like he might even break up with me. Maybe I should break up with him. I feel like I might be expecting too much, but also like my needs aren’t being met. I feel really sad and don’t know what to do.