r/datingoverforty

Hi All,

I am female, in my early to mid 40’s, looking for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage eventually. It seems like all men just want casual or semi serious, but do not want to live together or get married. I understand that people have been burned by divorce by this age, however, I don’t let that define me and I am having a hard time finding someone who doesn’t let that define them. I am someone who has my life together and I am told I am attractive and young looking, yet it seems like the pool is bleak out there for others who are seeking real commitment.

Does anyone date to marry anymore? If so, where do you find these people outside of church? I am not religious enough to attend church and do not want someone who is super religious.

If you do not want to date to marry, what are you looking for? Why don’t you ever want to get married again? What is the upside for a woman to be with a man for 20 plus yrs without marriage? Esp as we get older.

I would like input from men and women.

I hear so many people say dating over 40 is a nightmare. Especially women. Was dating in your 20s and 30s really that much better? If it was, then how come you didn’t marry any of them?

I keep coming across Instagram videos where men walk up to women in public places like streets, supermarkets or shopping centres and start a conversation. Quite often they end up exchanging numbers, and it looks like there’s genuine interest on both sides. I’m curious if anyone here has actually had a relationship come out of being cold-approached in places like streets, supermarkets or shopping centres... . I mean where a man just approaches you, says you’re attractive, or opens with something light, chats for a few minutes, and then you give your contact details. Watching these clips, I keep wondering what those people have in common, and whether a real connection can actually start that way. My instinct is that it would probably take a lot more effort from one person to turn that into something real, but I might be off.

I (40 F) recently got back into dating and had an experience that left me genuinely confused.

I matched with a guy (M 45). We’re both coparenting with our exes. I’ve been divorced for about two years, and he’s currently separated but living apart for around two years while waiting for his divorce to be finalized.

We texted for about two weeks before meeting. It wasn’t constant texting, just thoughtful conversations about personality, goals, parenting, and how our days were going. It didn’t feel overwhelming.

We went on a date yesterday and it honestly went really well. He greeted me with a hug before we even went into the restaurant. He was upbeat, attentive, and engaged, asking questions, listening, and sharing about himself. It felt easy and mutual. After dinner, he offered to drive me home, told me he had a really great time, and said he would like to see me again. I told him I felt the same. When he dropped me off, he asked for another hug and I gave it.

A few hours later, he texted me again saying he had a really good time and asked again if I would like to see him. I replied quickly and said yes, I had a great time too and would like to see him again.

Now here’s where I’m confused.

Today I didn’t hear anything from him. In the afternoon, I sent a simple message letting him know I’m available Saturday if that works for him. It’s now nighttime and he hasn’t responded at all.

I’m trying to understand how someone can come across so interested both in person and over text and then just go quiet like that. Is this just normal dating behavior now? Would you assume low interest at this point or is it too soon to tell?

Would love to hear thoughts on whether busy single dads are looking to find a long term partner or are mostly focused on their child and own well being for now.

I’ve been a single parent 10 years in June. I enjoy my own company and I’m not needy, but I am ready to meet someone beyond a FWB situation.

I recently met a single dad I really like and felt a strong connection with but his focus is work and his child for now. His separation was messy and he’s not ready to take the leap…all he wants in casual fun.

I’m disheartened and feeling maybe I’ll be alone another 10 years until my children are adults. I live in a small regional community with an even smaller dating pool. To find a fellow single parent locally that I connected with, I felt I’d finally got lucky and things were starting to turn around for the better… but it seems no one wants commitment anymore

I'm 40, own my place, have a career with a great salary and plenty of men have found me attractive. Obviously everyone has different taste so I'm sure there's plenty of men that don't find me attractive either but my biggest issue is I wonder if the fact that I truly don't need anything in life scares men off. I really just want to hear honest opinions from men.

I know that's just a snippet of the whole picture. I am divorced and have a 5 year old so I understand that could also be something someone isn't interested in. I just really want to know if my independence is a factor.

Well, I'm a 49F who was just notified by Bumble yesterday that my account was blocked. No idea why: Possibly an annoyed man who I refused to meet or sleep with, possibly due to a picture by the pool in a bathing suit?

What's weird is that it's honestly a relief. It's kind of nice to not have lots of notifications all day of men who mostly just want to get laid. Has anyone else just experienced RELIEF at taking a break from the apps (deliberately or not)?

What would be a respectable, mature, and attractive way to say you're only interested in something casual, like a friends with benefits, on a dating app? Thank you for your input and advice.

Hi, I’m a single dad (M40) and was wondering if someone can give me some advice.

I’ve been separated and now divorced for a long time now, so I’m not rebounding but I need help with regards to just talking to women in general after initially approaching them.

I ask this because I was at the gym the other day and I’m almost 100% certain that a girl was signalling for me to go over and talk to her, she followed me around the gym for over almost 2 hours most of the time moving and working out next to me, making sure I noticed her…flicking her hair, her body language, her glancing back at me all the time…yet I just kept thinking that I didn’t know what to say to actually start a conversation and then let alone keep it going. I’m afraid in the back of my mind that any awkward silence will just kill any chance I have of locking in getting to know her better.

Then, other things pop in my head like “ shes really attractive, way out of your league, old man” , “ if this fails, shes just gonna think your a creep at the gym “ and “this is my gym that I go too all the time - so what happens if I crash and burn then I have to go see her all the time”.? All these thoughts stack up in the back of my head killing any confidence I can summon.

Does anyone have any advice on how to keep the conversation flowing and just to help keep myself to remain confident and have some cues to fall back on? Any advice would be great.

Thank you

Those of you who are dating and share custody of your kids, how are you handling it when someone asks you on a first date but it’s your weekend with the kids? Are you hiring a babysitter? What about if the kids are old enough to stay at home alone - are you telling them you’re going on a date? Or are you declining and just dating on days when you are kid free?

This has come up a few times lately where I’ve been asked on a date at the beginning of the week I have my kiddo, meaning I won’t be able to go on a date for another 7-14 days. I’m curious how others handle it, especially with kids who are around 12 y/o. I think my kiddo is old enough to know I’m dating, I’m just not sure how I feel about leaving them to go on a date, especially when we already have limited time together.

Can we have a discussion on the apps, what you use, what you think of them and what works for you?

This has been my experience with the apps

Bumble: Ive had a lot of dates over the years. I do feel like the app is not as good as it was, say 6 years ago.

Tinder: This is by far the most used app in my area. Having said that, I hate it. It feels like this where is people go to swipe and only swipe or to find penpals. Im not interested in either of those things. I also get a lot of tourists looking for either guides or hookups, neither of which I am interested in.

Breeze: (I know its not available everywhere) The idea is that you skip all chatting and go straight into a date, ie you see a profile, if you like them and they like your profile, you are then given a calendar to pick what dates you are available for a date, book it in and then go on the date (literally no chatting at all). I loved the idea of this, as I kind of hate the initial chatting. However, I didnt have great experiences and it was the first app I was catfished on after 5+ years of OLD.

Hinge: Top 2 of the apps that I like. I like the general no BS, you can message, paywalls are minimal and it seems like more serious/intentional singles use it.

Boo: One of the newer apps and Id rate it in my top 2. I like that it allows neurospicy people to be open and honest about it. Im not sure about the social side of the app (encouraging interacting with other users in the 'universe', however, I do share memes, so its not the end of the world). I was surprised that it seemed to have more users than I expected. There are a lot of international users that you can see, this is not something Im opposed to but I understand other users may only want local users only.

What are your experiences?

I am aware that apps dont guarantee dates, nice people, other singles who are a match, finding 'youre person', or anything beyond disappointment/frustration at times.

I’m a 48F have been with my boyfriend Marcus 49M for 8 years. We recently broke up because I felt lonely in the relationship and after two weeks of no contact he reached out, sounded sincere, and I agreed to try to work things out. Since then I haven’t seen him once.

Throughout our relationship I used to spend the night at his house regularly. He would invite me over, we would watch movies together, hang out, do what normal couples do and he made me feel welcome in his home. Although we live in the same city, this started going down to two days a week (usually Friday and Saturdays) to just (Fridays) once his 18 year old daughter moved in with him after her mom remarried, our time together went from twice a week, to once a week, to now not seeing each other at all. He has not once invited me over or made any effort to see me since we agreed to work things out or even before we broke up.

This isn’t the first time his daughter’s presence has affected our relationship. Three years ago we went to his niece’s birthday party and he reserved a hotel room with two beds. Instead of sleeping in the same bed with me he chose to sleep in his daughter’s bed and I slept alone the entire night. When I brought it up he said he didn’t know how to handle it. After that I stopped attending his family events because I was scared of feeling invisible again.

I also noticed that when we are alone he is warm, affectionate and makes me feel completely loved. But the moment his daughter is around I become invisible to him.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you handle it? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

I have known his daughter for eight years. But I feel like he does not make it known to her that I am important in his life. She does not talk to me. I make every effort to say hi if I ever see her. She never says hi to me or even acknowledge me. I don’t know if she feels like I’m taking her dad away. I’m not trying to do that. But she lived in her home with her mother while her mother dated her boyfriend and eventually married him. How is it any different from me? What am I doing wrong? Is it me or is it him? Please help me if you’ve been through this.

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Hello everyone! So I've been out of the dating scene for a while mostly because I've been working on myself. I want to but I'm not quite ready to jump into dating again. First I want to look at some things about myself that could be affecting what I attract or why I struggle to find a good partner.

Recently I had started talking to an old friend and it ended up being a situation where I was quickly ghosted. I'm talking I was ghosted within the first week. They came back but was flaky so I cut that off. I started thinking about my dating history and how this situation was far from the first time this happened. Throughout the years whether I was looking for a LTR or something casual, I would end up in these situationships or I get ghosted. The two LTR I was in, one just ghosted me after a year and the other I was with for 5 years and found out they had been cheating on me almost the entire 5 years. So either I can't pick them or I am really scaring people off. 

So I don't really know where to start with figuring out if there are issues with me and dating. I've asked friends to give me their honest opinions but I don't get much from that. I've always been pretty tough on myself and I used to think I was a bitchy person but I'm actually very sweet and giving. I'm always offering help because I like being of service to people. I've thought about things like I don't chase, I prefer to show my interest with actions like initiating plans, it takes time for me to trust someone and to really open up to them, I am a physically needy person but not as needy emotionally, etc. I usually am the one asking questions getting to know them while giving little information of myself. I've even wondered if I have a sorta victim mentality or something else and thats why I attract or go after these people that play games with my heart. One issue I have had is being bisexual. It's been more of a problem with women than it has been with men. But I've viewed that more as their own insecurity than any issue with me.

Anyone have any advice for me to look at myself and pinpoint my dating issues, and what I can do to be able to read people better or be better at choosing?

We both exchanged messages on an app, it got steamy, we planned to meet near her place in case we wanted to follow through with the desires we were messaging. We did everything we messaged about...plus more. It was refreshingly mature, simple, and mutually desired. She asked if we can do a FWB thing so she can start her weeks off fully relaxed, I said yes as long as it doesn't impact my normal schedule. Just two adults being honest, free, kind, and open. I hope everything can experience that.

I’ve finally met someone on OLD and we just instantly clicked. We have similar senses of humor, interests, personalities, all the important stuff. This one is a keeper.

I do not have children. She has a 19 year old currently away at university but will be coming home for the summer. I understand meeting an adult child is a lot different than meeting a toddler or teenager.

I’m open to any and all advice on how to navigate this. I’ve never dated anyone with kids so this will be a new experience for me.

I am coming out of long term relationship and i am looking for a a casual situation where no judgements, have fun and have sex a lots of sex. is it bad to have that expectations i am sure there are womens who just want to that. get Phyically satisfied.

Ladies, genuine question.

After how many questions or how long of a conversation do you usually exchange phone numbers with someone from a dating app?

I feel like a lot of guys ask for WhatsApp or a phone number almost immediately. Like… we’ve barely said anything. Maybe three questions total and two of them are “what are you doing right now?”

Just because I swiped right doesn’t mean I already like you. It just means I’m open to getting to know you.

To me, the chat is the stage where we’re supposed to figure out if there’s even basic chemistry or conversation. If we’ve barely talked, moving to WhatsApp feels strange.

Curious what other women do.

Do you wait until there’s an actual conversation going?

Or do you exchange numbers pretty quickly?

I have never had this as a woman that I want more sex than my partner. I have been dating someone new since one month. We are officially a couple and see each other several times a week as we live close by. He is wonderful. Emotionally maybe a bit more reserved. He is kind and listens. He is also a good dad to his son. My previous relationship was quite intense with someone with a high sex drive that sometimes would push my boundaries a bit. Not in a dramatic way. Also quite possessive, like in "you are mine" kind of way. And he had really strong emotions. That turned out not to be so healthy. Now everything is more calm. I feel really safe on a physical level. There is no need to "prove" myself sexually. This is causing me to feel a lot of attraction. I am 42 and he is 44. I was quite stunned when he said that after a certain again it is better to not have sex as a man more than twice a week, as he says it takes away his focus?

I see no scientific evidence of this.

He gives me compliments. I know the mutual attraction is not the problem.

I really want to respect his boundaries. But we sleep together a lot and it's sometimes hard to not turn touch into something more sexual.

I think it is the first time in my life I am actually sexually frustrated. As I went long times without sex even in a relationship but I didn't get tempted like I'm now.

Has anyone experienced this as a woman?

I know man deal with this a lot. How do you guys handle it?

Newly single and have never dated online. I am a professional in a large city, but worried that I might match with patients or people I know from when I was married. I guess, do you overly exposed? Maybe i am over thinking this? Is there one ap that I should start with that is better than others?

Are you worried they can reverse image search you to find out your real details before you're comfortable.. or do you use all new pics just for the sites? Not sure that just made sense....it is a valid female safety question .

Thanks.

I met a nice woman at speed dating, then talked to for about an hour and a half at the singles mixer later that evening. Lots in common, we have been texting for a week, and first date (besides at the mixer) is tomorrow.

She just started baking bread. I went to culinary school for baking. And I used to have a beehive.

Would it be wierd to give her a small (4 oz) jar of my honey… with my interesting label I think she would find funny…on our first date to enjoy with her bread?