r/abusiverelationships

The older I get the more I hear about my friends/others upbringings and realize how uncommon it is to have a decent father.

Why are so many men physically violent with young girls? Over half of my friends (f) have experienced physical violence/neglect/evil from their dads growing up especially when they were young. Why are so many so short tempered and so OK with being assholes to little girls? How are you like this towards such young defenseless children? Especially women who they probably already see as weak. It's horrifying. Why is it so easy for you to cross a line and not see an issue with it?

im 28 about to be married in a few months, I was in a super abusive relationship a few years ago and he actually ended up almost killing me.. I met a guy whi was divorced and we had a great relationship until recently... hes grabbed me by the throat a few times now (not squeezing but grabs) when I have made him mad or he will throw me down on the bed and sit on me so I listen to him.... tonight I noticed he had some scratch marks on his back and asked him where he got them from, he said it was from me which it wasnt and when I said that he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me on my side and yelled at me.. he apologized for hours after and wouldnt accept I wouldnt listen to his apology. I want to leave but the shelters are full where I am, I dont have a single friend to go to or any family at all, i have no job right now or any kind of money...I feel stuck here. I dont know what to do..

I don’t even know where to start, but I really need to get this out.

I grew up in a family where love and fear existed together. As a child, I was carefree and didn’t understand what was happening. But looking back now, everything was already broken.

Father was controlling, aggressive, and always believed he was right. My grandmother constantly created conflict and fueled his behavior. One of my earliest memories is being dragged to the bathroom while my mother was inside. He started banging on the door like a maniac, and when she answered, he slapped her hard. I still remember my brother crying.

That was just one moment. There were many more.

At night, my mother would sometimes wake me up just to show me her swollen face, telling me it was “allergies.” I believed her then. I understand now.

My parents came from different religions and ran away to get married young. My mother is educated, hardworking, and strong. Everything we have today exists because of her. But father never valued that. He always acted like “the man of the house,” controlling everything and complaining about everything, while she carried the entire family.

She cooked outside in the rain because she wasn’t allowed to cook inside. She cleaned, took care of everyone, then went to work in the family business. Even during pregnancy, she walked long distances for checkups. She never rested.

At the same time, father slowly isolated her from her own family, saying they were bad influences. She had to hide just to stay connected to them.

Then came another shock: after building a business on family land, my grandparents refused to give ownership. My parents were left with nothing. Instead of standing up, father blamed my mother.

As I grew older, my life became more restricted.

I wasn’t allowed to:

go out

make friends

do sports

wear normal clothes

study freely

or even work

Father believed controlling me was protecting me. In reality, it destroyed my growth. I had to learn basic life skills very late because I was never allowed to experience life normally.

At the same time, I went through things no child should experience.

I was exposed to inappropriate behavior from people I should have been safe with. At school, a caretaker behaved in ways that were completely wrong with children. I didn’t understand anything at that age. I thought it was normal or something to hide.

That confusion affected me deeply. I did things as a child that I regret—not because I was bad, but because I didn’t understand right or wrong. No one guided me.

School wasn’t safe either. I was bullied by students and even teachers. One teacher insulted me because of my mother’s religion and humiliated me in front of the class. I started believing I was the problem.

At home, things were worse.

Father was violent—not just toward my mother, but toward me. I’ve been beaten to the point where I couldn’t breathe. I had visible injuries, and I was told to lie about it.

I stayed awake many nights, ready to protect my mother. I stood up for her—but later, she told me she didn’t need my help. That broke me.

There was also a fire that destroyed everything—money, clothes, valuables. Father blamed my mother again. But later in life, I realized it might have been me as a child accidentally causing it while playing with incense. That guilt stayed with me for years.

As a teenager, I became angry, lost, and isolated. I escaped into gaming because it was the only place I felt free.

I wasn’t allowed to work or build independence. When I finally started fighting for myself and tried to work, it was already late compared to others. I had no guidance, no support, and no experience.

I eventually managed to go abroad to Europe, hoping for a better life. But even there, I faced bullying and discrimination. People made jokes about my appearance, my height, my body, and sometimes treated me like I was less because I come from a small island.

I tried to stand up for myself and others, but many times I trusted the wrong people. I kept supporting people who weren’t loyal to me. It felt like a pattern—giving, trusting, and getting hurt.

I came back home hoping things would change.

They didn’t.

Same environment. Same control. Same tension.

Now I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m trying to build my life from zero.

I struggle with focus, overthinking, and what I believe could be ADHD. My mind feels overloaded. Sometimes I feel completely lost, like I’m not functioning the way I should. It affects my ability to work and move forward.

But despite everything, I don’t want to give up.

I want:

a stable job

independence

a healthy environment

peace of mind

I am not lazy. I am not weak. I just never had the right environment to grow. I'm just lost.

I also tried to share my story before—on YouTube. I made videos holding big papers with my story written on them, hoping someone would understand.

It didn’t reach many people… but somehow, it reached my mom.

She came to me angry, showed me the video, and said: “What is this?? This is you!?”

Everything matched—the story, the details, even the initials. I tried to deny it, but she didn’t believe me. She was more concerned about “family image” than what I went through.

So my solution at that time?

I blocked her. Hide some videos.

Out of everyone in the world, the one person I was trying to avoid… was the one who saw it.

Another thing I’ve struggled with my whole life is how people see me.

I’m not what society calls a “pretty” or “feminine” girl. I’m tall, big, and built strong—people even call me names that I look like a bodyguard,gorilla,ew,homme,etc 🫠

Because of that, I’ve been judged a lot. People have called me names, made comments about my face and body, and even suggested I should “fix” myself.

It made me question myself—like, is being “pretty” more important than being a good person or having real skills?

I’ve always tried to be kind, to help people, to be a people-pleaser… but in the end, I often feel used, left out, or not valued.

Sometimes it feels like people give importance to looks more than character—and I’ve always been on the losing side of that.

I’m also a big introvert, which makes everything harder.

Today, I’m still here. Still trying. Still fighting.

I’m not asking for pity. I’m asking for advice.

How do I break out of this cycle and finally build a stable life for myself?

\-This is a 2/4 part of my life. I really tried to post my story everywhere but it got banned/removed/unnoticed.

---Again I live on a small Island so many things are out of my reach. Therapy??? No one cares about that around me,old thinking people. Plus I don't have the funds for that 🙇🏻‍♀️

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadRedditors/s/V6WmayahMV

I would like to start this off by clarifying I am completely uncertain of what I can call this, and hope that I don't offend or harm anybody in asking if it could be. I am just hoping for some honest answers in order to place this experience in the right place. Also I apologize for how long this is, I felt like I had to explain everything in order to ask the question at all. For context, I am 16F today.

A few days after I turned 14, I met a guy on an app similar to Yubo. I was only on that app to begin with because I was "bored" and knew not to take anything seriously. On his profile it said he was 17(m). We began talking casually and I was so immediately in awe of his depth, intelligence and humor. Growing up I've always had many friends and (I've been privileged enough to have) formed many amazing connections in my life, but it is rare that I find someone I feel I identify myself with fully. I felt that I not only understood him, but he understood me. After a few days of speaking, he casually brought up the fact he was actually 20. When I mentioned his profile said he was 17, he acted shocked and said it must've been a glitch and that he didn't believe I was actually 14. I knew even then it was wrong we were speaking, I kind of crossed him off as a weird guy but for some reason just figured it didn't matter if we kept speaking because "I knew what was going on" and it "wasn't serious". I thought he seemed interesting. He, for the first weeks, would call me things like "kiddo" and would mock me for being "younger" and "a baby". I remember I found it a bit cringy and odd, but for some reason I played along thinking once again, it "wasn't serious". I just felt I had the upperhand and it didn't matter if I played dumb, I just liked talking to him. I dont really know why I did that.

After a few weeks we kind of stopped speaking for about a month, we sometimes texted but not often. I didn't really mind. One day we randomly reconnected and ultimately decided to be good friends. He told me he had a girlfriend. Since nothing ever truly flirty had happened, I began to see him as an older brother or mentor, and he would often give me advice on my life and we would talk about really complicated topics. I really enjoyed speaking with him because I didn't have many people in my life who liked getting into conversations like that. At first I of course had my doubts about him, but overtime came to trust him more and more and despite the fact I knew it was odd he wanted to be "friends" with a 14yo, I began to believe it had just been a mistake we had gotten matched up and a pure coincidence we had gotten so close and connected and understood each other so much. After about a month he broke up with said girlfriend of about a year and told me all about how toxic his relationship had been. I didn't know if to believe him but he truly seemed so heartbroken, I thought maybe I could.

Fast forward six months, and our conversations began to turn more "romantic". On my side, I guess I just really adored him as a person. I wasn't sure if I really liked him and I knew it was dumb to be in a relationship with someone online but I admired him so much I just kind of let it happen I guess. I felt like I was more pretending and again it "wasn't serious". We told each other we loved each other a lot. I do think I meant it, I loved him as a person. But I'm not sure I ever asked myself if I truly did "love him" romantically. I just figured at an unconscious level "I love who he is but the romantic part isn't real" (it was online, he lived across the world, and I figured he wouldn't actually want anything serious with someone my age).

We kind of kept this "I love you, you're so amazing, etc, etc.." thing going on for about 5 more months but it didn't seem like anything was too serious on either side (we meant what we said but I didn't think the romantic part was meant to be real). We loved each other as people. I just wanted to keep him in my life I guess. I felt I knew it didn't make sense for him to take "us" seriously as a romantic option, so I guess I just let it happen. I also don't know why.

He would call me mature often, but I didn't find it shocking because it was something I've heard more than a few times (I've always been known as the "mature" kid who "grew up so fast"). He made a few sexual jokes during that time, once joking about me "flashing" him, which made me pretty upset, and of course he would call me beautiful, amazing, fascinating, smart, cute, etc.. once hot, which was also upsetting. I've always had issues with sexual things and lust, so all of those things bothered and unsettled me but I never made quite as big as a deal out of them as I felt because I thought it would sound stupid or disappoint (?) him. I kind of mentioned it but always said "its okay" when he would apologize and say it was a joke.

At around a year after knowing each other, he called me to tell me his "toxic ex" had come back into his life, and that he was officially ready to cut her out of his life forever, because he wanted to be with me. I remember kind of freaking out because it seemed odd to want to "end things forever" with an ex of a year, which you know in real life, over a 15yo girl you only know on the internet. I insisted he didn't do it for me, that if he did do it it was because he knew the relationship wasn't good for either of them. I also told him I refused to harm another girl or be that person for anybody. We had quite a few discussions about it, where he would say things like "you are perfect, yet I'm addicted to her", "you are the person I see myself marrying", etc. I found all of these things kind of unsettling, and it kind of dawned on me how serious this was for him (I know it sounds horrible, I felt guilty at the time but I just had never understood he actually wanted a real relationship with me), and also I just hated the position he had put me in and thought it was both unfair to me and the girlfriend, mostly for her, no matter how "toxic" she had been to him. Though for some reason, despite the distance I set in our own personal ""romantic"" relationship, I was still there for him "as a friend" and gave him advice and support for the entirety of the process, as he was very broken down and struggling. I feel like maybe deep down that's all I wanted to be, just his friend.

Long story short, he ended up saying "goodbye to her forever", and after that I talked to him about ending our friendship/"relationship" (?), because I wasn't comfortable with the position he had put me in, with the little regard towards her and I, and how strange he had been through all of it (he acted very out of character and very different that who I had known him to be during that entire period).

However, he kind of convinced me to let him set things right, though I asked for some time to think about it.

I ended up going to a different country on my own for a summer course soon after that, and I just slowly ended up warming up to him again as I kind of resorted to him for advice and reassurance during the anticipatory weeks (I was very excited but very nervous lol) and I started to see him as that really amazing, smart, incredible guy, my friend, as I had before. He was just great during that time I guess, he was the person I had felt I knew. During the month I was there, I kind of started to "develop" feelings for him. I knew it was odd and unconventional and "dumb", but we clicked so well I just kind of got lost in it. Even though I was living one of the most incredible and fun and exciting experiences of my life, I still would call him for hours everyday, update him constantly, put him on the phone with my friends, all of it. He was there for everything. We were constantly talking, despite our almost 8 hour time difference. During that time is when truly, I just adored him, admired him, and almost started to question if maybe it could turn into something real. I kind of what my first semi-sexual conversation with him, which I had never done with anybody before. As mentioned, I've never felt comfortable talking about that with anyone, and I'm not sure I did with him, but it just kind of happened, as awkward as it was for me. Once again, I just let it happen I guess. It didn't feel horrible at the time. It makes me kind of sick to think about it now, bad about myself, but I guess it just is what it is. He also mentioned a lot to me that month how he did feel guilty about our age gap and that he couldn't tell anyone in his life but I guess we kind of had a conversation along the lines of "we're different, this is different than those other stories".

Coming back home after that, we started sleeping together on the phone, facetiming often, and I began to be very vulnerable with him as he was with me. He at the time, was the sweetest, he was always there when I needed him and I was really happy to have him in my life. My mom had known about him for the entirety of us knowing eachother, but this is when I really came clean about him being 21 and us being more romantic, but I insisted it "wasn't serious" and he was, in my mind, my friend. She was doubtful but she really liked him as a person, and she trusted me since I was very "mature", and that she thought I "knew what I was doing". This went on four months, and I even began telling people I had a "boyfriend", even though I never gave any details. I felt like we were equals, he was my best friend and he just felt safe to me.

Around the 4 month mark, he sent me flowers, along with a smaller bouquet for my mom. I was kind of disappointed because I knew everything about him, and he had gotten me the one kind of flowers I don't like and the note made me a bit uncomfortable as it mostly was addressed to my mom. It came off as if he were trying to ease my mom into the idea of us dating and almost "bribing" her (?). My mom thought it was a lovely gift but it kind of threw me off (he ended the note with "a small token of appreciation for giving birth to this wonderful creature that you call daughter"), which didn't really sound like him and just made me feel weird inside.

A couple of weeks after that I found some posts he had liked which were weirdly disrespectful toward women and about cheating and just some gross things things. It bothered me not because of our relationship but more because of the principle and also the fact he had lied about a few things regarding that already. I didn't make a huge deal out of it but it kind of made me question who he truly was even more, and in the following weeks after that he started revealing more of his opinions regarding these things and it started really making me question everything. Eventually, in November he really started pushing the s3xual part, asking me more questions (which I usually worked around and wouldn't answer) and bringing up his urges more and more and how "hard" it was for him. I always felt kind of uncomfortable and wrong, and always made it clear it was awkward and hard for me to talk about, but he never pushed too much and I once again, just kind of let it happen. I often told him that he didn't have to pursue a rls with me, that i would be happy for him if he found a girl in his city, that I was sure there were loads of nice women that would wanna be w him, but he insisted they "weren't me" and that he "only needed me".

In December I decided to end everything. I had really started to resent him at that point, I suspected heavily he had been lying to me constantly (which I always made clear was the one thing that completely breaks my heart, I hate being lied to), I just felt wrong inside all of the time regarding us, I felt like he was so different now, I resented his perspectives and opinions and most of all, he sometimes disregarded my feelings and was often arrogant and disrespectful, and I just wanted out desperately despite the fact I didn't really know why. I just knew it wasn't what I wanted, that it wasn't right. It was hard to "end" things because we had been so close for so long then, and I found myself often wishing I could've just kept him as my best friend. It was a dramatic and hard goodbye but I got it done and I kind of felt better.

After around 2 months of no contact, I met a new friend who mentioned she was talking to a 21yo. When I saw their messages, I was pretty horrified to discover that this person spoke to her almost exactly the same way my person had to me when we first met ("kiddo", "you're so smart, so mature", "when you're older, you're too young", "I can't say that it would be wrong to say to a baby", "little sister"). I always felt I had had the upperhand because "I knew what was going on", and that nothing bad would happen to me because I was "smart" and "mature" enough to manage it (not too sound arrogant or self-assured, I just for some reason thought I had it under control). But to see it from an outside perspective, when it was happening to another person, I so blatantly saw how odd it was. That saying "I can't say it" is a way of making you say "noo tell me", so when they say something kind of weird you can only blame yourself for insisting, it made me question if maybe what I once had believed was a friendship, that what I had convinced myself was an accident, was actually all strategic. "Grooming", that maybe he had "prepped me" in a way. That he had planned out those six months of friendship to build up my trust, that that subtle transition from friendship towards relationship was MEANT to be subtle, that I wasn't crazy or bad for being kind of surprised when suddenly things felt very serious. Just all of it, that none of it was with good or genuine intentions, it was all planned.

I felt dumb. All this time I was so convinced I was in control.

I ended up messaging him, I needed to tell him or ask him ig for some reason . It was about a 6 hour long talk, I told him everything that he had done that had hurt me or affected me, we kind of argued and he also managed to make me feel incredibly guilty about the fact I had hurt him horribly when I left. I figured that was fair since I had done it pretty suddenly. I brought up the fact I was questioning if maybe "it" (us) wasn't so much something we had done together but rather something he had done TO me. He was upset by everything I said. I ended up agreeing to not having him blocked (even if we were supposed to not speak unless it was an emergency) after things calmed down. I felt guilty for how much suffering I had apparently caused him, I guess I missed my friend too. Over the course of that month he would text me every once in a while to say he missed me. I started missing him a lot more, I missed my friend more than anything, I missed when I felt I knew him and I felt safe with him. I missed that person I had once felt so seen by and that I admired so much.

After about a month I texted again, I felt I needed clarity. I needed to understand what had happened. We ended up arguing for hours once again, where I told him again and again I felt like I stopped knowing him some time ago and that he was a different person. He had been pretty mean to me since last time we had talked and he had just never been like that to me. He also started being weirdly misogynistic. I reread our messages from when we first got together and I saw more than ever, just how manipulative he had been. I was kind of horrified. He kept telling me that he loved me, that he resented me for not seeing how much he loved me, that I was the only person he had ever seen a future with, that "if I felt he had hurt me then he wasn't sure I was ready for what the next one might do to me". I said "my love for you shouldn't be measured in how much pain I am willing to endure for you" and he said "maybe it should". It all just felt threatening and kind of sick, just someone completely different. Then, he kind of randomly admitted he had been talking to his ex girlfriend the entire time we were ""together"" (I knew once she had reached out to him because he called me once bawling his eyes out and I found out when we broke up (three months later) it had been because she had been insulting him, but I was not aware it had gone on for the entirety of our ""relationship""). It upset me quite a bit when I found out because he knew I have a lot of issues around lying and ""cheating"" and it just made me upset that the person I knew as my best friend had lied to my face for six months. I asked him to show me the messages. He refused, I insisted. What he showed me was so gross. It was only her messages, but they were the most fr3aky, graphic descriptions of sex, almost what I believe is called ddlg, from her. I matched up the dates and they were all from nights where we (him and I) had been talking. His excuse for his sometimes horrible behavior had been that he was recovering from a terrible year and an incredibly difficult, toxic relationship. He often said that I had been his motivator during that year as I often uplifted him and was there for him always, that I had kind of "saved" him. It became clear to me their relationship had indeed been strange, because the messages were even a bit "psychotic", but still, it didn't seem abus1ve to me in any way outside of how apparently these messages were used to "manipulate" and "tempt" him. I figured if she spoke to him that way it was because he spoke that way to her, as well. At that point I just began bawling my eyes out. Not only had he lied to me, went behind my back, when I was supposed to be "safe" with him, but I just felt that this amazing and intelligent person I had once known as my friend, was someone completely different. I was just more in shock than anything. Who had I been talking to for a year and a half? is what I couldn't stop thinking abt lol. know its dumb, I know I should've known better than to trust him, than to believe in someone I'd never met in real life, but I had genuinely believed I mostly knew all of him because we had shared so much and spent so much time together. I didn't know him at all obviously.

We ended up calling and thats when things went downhill. I was talking to somebody just absolutely different than who I had believed him to be. I quickly understood he had shown me the purely sexual messages with intention: that was the one thing I hadn't "fulfilled" for him. When I was crying asking him why and who she was speaking to, he asked if I was "jealous", and then proceeded to say "no one could ever f**k her as good as he did" later in the conversation when talking about her new bf. I just felt like he was trying to genuinely make me "jealous" (?) and my mom says he was trying to show me how "desired" he was. I just felt gross inside, to me all of that seemed like the girl was degrading herself and he himself clearly only saw her as an object to own, his "property" I guess. Especially about the ""ddlg" stuff, I felt so gross. I believe this girl was his age, but it made me feel even more disgusted about all the wanting me to call him "d4ddy" jokes lol, which I had pretended so many times not to notice. I should've known better, I think. Anyway we eventually ended the call after a lot of me crying and quite a bit of arguing. I told him I would never speak to him again. I feel sick every time I think about those messages, about the way he spoke abt it.

My question is, would this be considered grooming? I feel like it isn't, because technically I was kind of aware and I guess mostly consenting. I felt we were on equal ground for most of it, up until the end. Also I just feel like our situation is strange. I feel like I do not look like the typical "victim". I wasn't unaware, I guess I wasn't vulnerable or isolated outside of the fact I have always felt different because of how "mature" I am meant to be. Everyone around me, even the adults that know, don't think it was weird because "I knew how to handle it". I know I am very privileged, I have good, loving parents, I had a good childhood. I feel like I am okay with myself. I'm very grateful. I feel like its almost unfair to think to call myself a "victim". And he was pretty "normal" I guess. Nothing like the typical examples of "pr3ds" one would expect to see. He has good friends, is known for being "good looking" and "popular"I guess, from a good home, with parents who provide for him. I mean I know to try to be in a rls w someone so young means something is not right in your life, but my mom says he probably just didn't wanna grow up and must be immature. But then like I feel like there's better ways to deal with that, I've often wished he would've "cared enough" as to have wanted to protect me from the obvious hurt that would come as a result of all of this. But then I just wonder if maybe we were like two confused ""teenagers"" who just happened to connect, him a young adult who was lost in his life and needed support, and me wanting a safe space and someone who I didn't feel "different" around. I just feel kind of embarrassed I tolerated all of that. I don't know if it was just an accident. Like what if he was on that app looking for little girls, it wasn't a "glitch", what if thats what he was wanted, and I fell for it, and he was never truly my friend (he did mention all in our last conversation that he thought I was beautiful from the start and I said "you were my friend" and he said "you were too, romantically). So then I guess I know all those things are likely. But what do I call it? I mean he was never overly sexual, he never pushed me too much, he did care for me and was a great friend and bf when things were good, he supported me, he was always there, he cared for me, comforted me, put in effort, was respectful, kind. I also feel guilty with his girlfriend, that I was talking to him thinking he was my friend when the whole time he was just trying to get with me. Another thing I've heard is that parents can also get "gr00med" which I wonder is what he attempted with my mom? I feel gross about myself I guess? I don't know why I let all of that happen. But I also don't know "what" exactly happened. I just was hoping somebody could help me figure out where to place this. "What" happened? What do I call this? Thank you so much for anyone that read through this, I would really appreciate any honest insight and I hope I am not doing any harm in asking. Thank you.

We were arguing and he threw a controller at me and missed and I was trying to walk away and he just grabbed my neck. I don’t have any friends or family near me so I don’t have anywhere to go and he apologized but now I’m scared and I have no clue what to do.

Last year was a turning point for me.

My mom has struggled with drinking for years, and it’s led to several really difficult and honestly traumatic experiences. (besides this one)

Last year we had planned a trip to Portugal together for September after my original plans with a friend fell through.

I thought I could keep things stable (haha) but one day in June she started drinking in the morning and, as usual things spiraled.

When I tried to leave, she blocked me (which isn’t new), and it turned into hours of verbal attacks, and eventually physical aggression. It ended with me running out of the house and calling the police. Because of the law, she was arrested something I didn’t intend, but it made me realize I couldn’t keep living like that. The whole experience was horrible.

For context, I was living w/ my mom, stepdad, and our two dogs (we adopted them together pre-COVID, when things were stable)

Anyway after that, I moved out. I stayed with my boyfriend for a couple of months and now have my own place. I’ve tried to maintain some form of contact, but every time, the drinking resurfaces……..

Now she’s in our homeland (she often travels there unpredictably and extends her stay) & she’s expecting me watch the dogs so my stepdad can join her. This isn’t the first time her decisions have created obligations for me.

After many repeated cycles, I feel completely drained and I don’t even have anything to say anymore.

One of the hardest parts is that she doesn’t acknowledge the impact of her drinking at ALL. When things happen, they’re often brushed under the rug. Even apologies seem childlike and there never any real change.

For example, I lost money canceling the trip we had, and instead of addressing what led to that, it was minimized as “just not meant to be.” She’s very religious so she really means it.

I love my mom, but I can’t keep putting myself in situations where I feel unsafe around her or responsible for managing her life. As an immigrant daughter, I feel like I’ve taken on a lot for her over the years.

We share dogs, which adds another layer. I care about them, but I’m now being expected to rearrange my life and stay at the house so my stepdad can travel, even though I have my own place now. That’s been another point of stress which is causing me to leave this post.

How do you maintain boundaries with a parent who doesn’t acknowledge the problem?

Please read, I need to talk about what my life is like and hopefully get some insight, and find some community or some healthy friends.

I’m trapped handing all disposable income to debt payments after maxing out credit cards she convinced me to open to buy her shit. I’m gullible because I’m autistic, and I always make the wrong choice. I can’t afford to live anywhere yet but with equally abusive and narcissistic parents. I’m 31 with a bachelor of science making $70,000 in a STEM job. I have done therapy and IOP twice in the last 2 years but nothing sticks because of my horrible environment, in which I don’t feel safe to process my life and experiences. Somatic experiencing felt amazing the first session last year but it’s negated instantly when I go back to their house and didn’t work again. My mom stole my journals documenting abuse she’s done and art projects the IOP assigned me to detangle endless abuse and trauma (all three have done physical/emotional/verbal abuse). I don’t have an environment to live in I feel safe in or a home.

I even tried going to a male domestic violence shelter last year. My mom and dad wanted me to move out unless I left the shelter. All I wanted was to feel safe and fall asleep without being scared or numb. My first memory is of being molested by a non-family member, telling my mom, and her telling me “that didn’t happen”. My parents both assaulted me as an adult in their house. I couldn’t do anything because I would have been homeless. I had to go to my sister who raped me’s wedding in February because they’d kick me out if I refused. I tried organizing family therapy to stop how they treat me, they DARVO’ed everything to negate their abuse and my memory. They also invented a fake reason to change the lock so I couldn’t go in the home without them letting me in (they made up that I entered the house after being out late more than once), with which to redirect the focus of the family therapy to how I wanted to “force them to trust me” instead of them giving a fuck about me. I stupidly told my sister she raped me after another accusation of inhumanity toward me, so now I have to go along with my evil mom’s assertion that “I had night terrors when I was a kid” and pretend I made up that I watched my sister tell me “this is what you get for masturbating loudly” while raping me and choking me until I blacked out at 17. My mom threatened to leave my things on the front lawn if I called CPS. Years later she attacked me while I was asleep screaming “I hate you so much”. Her pussy whipped enabler husband (my loser father) got the cop to laugh about how his dad beat him too so she’d get off. They’ve got the cops on speedial and convinced my aunt and uncle I’m some sociopath lying to discredit them, who are boomers so they believe it. They’ve stopped bothering to hide that they record their conversations with me, they press the record button on an iPhone audibly knowing it’s a win win for them. If I stay nothing they get what they want. If I mention it they get to allege I’m hallucinating and get a free recording. After my “girlfriend” engineered a situation last year where I was charged with family violence for her (after spitting on me in private) withholding the keys to go inside and piss while at her apartment’s pool, they convinced me to instantly go to a mental hospital to soften a judge’s opinion. The lawyer deemed it unnecessar afterward, and it was dismissed. They wanted me to look unstable in case I ever accused them of their crimes, and to doubt myself more. He can’t drive because he has a felony DWI charge for a stimulant or something. It’s always projection. Also my sister hangs up instantly if I try to talk about what they do.

They get away with everything because they lord over me that I supposedly am supposedly severely mentally ill (they extorted me under threat of homeless for 6.5 years to let them watch me take anti-psychotic medication daily until a couple years ago. I’m exactly the same, the “symptoms of mental illness” were symptoms of perpetual abuse and familial neglect). I’ve been going back and forth between a woman exactly like my mom for 3 years. I secretly feel l deserve mistreatment as a duty. I know it’s because my mom fluctuated between calling me worthless while smashing my head into the passenger window while driving me as a kid (that stopped when I got taller than her, the psychological torture never ended until she decided I wasn’t human anymore and told me so) and praising me telling me I was so “special” and her “little king”. I was her emotional sponge growing up, her feelings mattered and mine didn’t. Now I’m of no use to her for narcissistic supply. The demon I’m dating took my period of growth and crushed it. I’m already dead. My mom told me “my son is dead. You killed him.” It’s both her words and this woman’s forever in my head. My thoughts aren’t there.

My whole life is now doing anything to forget this cage exists or praying for death. My mom’s nickname for me in childhood was her “guinea pig”, and Iearned every curse word because she called me it. The other woman is just as bad, she destroyed my childhood mementos and bragged that she loved doing it. She told me she’d leave me if I didn’t kiss her feet after stopping taking her to dinner reservations. She kicked me to the ground and pulled me by the hair because I wanted to talk about how a movie reminded me of our “relationship” and she didn’t. She winked after I told her I knew she scratched my eyeball while I was asleep. She loudly pounded her chest saying “___ stop hitting me” while I was asking her to stop mistreating me, then smiled and winked at me. My mom doesn’t brag about or reveal being a sadist, but it’s the same thing. Tells me “you’re so fucking sick” if I mention what she did or said ever. Immediately gaslights me with “that never happened” and “I don’t remember that happening”. My dad thought I was recording him once when I asked him to tell me why he punched me as an adult a few days prior. He ignored it, then turned around whiled leaving the restaurant and wiggled his tongue while silently laughing. Sometimes he calls crying saying “I don’t want you to have bad memories of me”.

I can’t do it anymore. If anyone has advice or god forbid wants to be my friend, I really need anyone healthy. I’m tired of this nightmare.

I didn't know that. And it's really fucking with me that he could've hit me that hard but also gaslit me hard enough that I never got checked out. at a minimum I have 3 different forms of binocular vision dysfunction that I'm going to have to pay 3000 dollars and 6 months of what is basically physical therapy for the eyes. What else might it have affected? I'm really in my head about it now. What if I'm like, stupider because of it all? Like literally, a brain injury.

9 months out now, protective orders, a divorce and it's still fucking with me.

I've been in a 4 year relationship and have a 2.5 year old child with this man. He is wonderful around the house, very helpful with my son, cleaning and goes out of his way to help family and friends. Goes thrifting with me. Pays our bills since I've been having financial troubles as of late.

here's my "dillema"

When we argue, which isn't all the time, most of the time, we're fine, he becomes evil? he calls me lazy, stupid, ugly, useless etc. I know this sounds insane. The other day he put me in a headlock to try and grab my phone from me, he has punched me in the leg, kicked me in the ribs. He accepted a friend request online from a girl he used to have relations with much before we ever got together, he did end up deleting and blocking her but initially had lied about ever being intimate with her. He raises his fists and intimidates me when I upset him by saying something. He picks on my sense of humor and hates when I'm laughing while I text my bestfriend. He gets genuinely mad/annoyed. Critiques how I do the dishes, critiques meals I make, critiques how and what I feed our son.

okay, reading this back to myself it sounds actually crazy but I'm just so confused by how things are good 90% of the time but then we argue and it's like hells gates have opened.

I have contacted a woman's violence shelter and am in the process of getting housing for my son and I.

am I being selfish? am I really considered "being abused?" I feel like I'm over-reacting and taking spaces for housing and resources for others who have it much worse.

I am going through so much mentally, so I ask please that you are not too harsh on me... I feel very confused and, honestly, a bit naive and stupid...thank you so much for any advice.

I already make $35-40 an hour, but with all of my other bills, renting by myself would leave me with almost nothing to save (like $800 a month AT BEST, and pretty much nothing regularly).

I have an SAI of -1500 meaning I get like $3000-8000 per semester in student loan refunds depending on my grades.

I originally planned on staying here with my $400/month rent and saving up as much money as possible to repay my car loan and student loans early, but should I just fucking move and hope I land a higher paying job once I’m done with school..?

It’s $1200-1400/month here to split with a roommate and $1500-700/month to live alone.

I haven’t been able to find a roommate, so should I just leave and use my student loan refunds as a buffer / emergency backup???

UGH

**also** in case going to question how I have an SAI of -1500 and make this much, it’s because FAFSA goes off prior prior year income and I was on an unpaid medical leave for almost the entire year in 2024. So I happened to get “lucky”, I guess, even though I got fucked in every other aspect of life. But I probably won’t be able to afford much in the way of college courses after the 2026-27 school year.

I’m battling so much right now. After 36 years of horrific abuse, which has many battles I won’t mention. Yes struggling to live but doing it didn’t get this far being meek, I have severe trust issues after being raped and beaten so much. Guy I’m with turned out to be I’m sure very sociopathic, I’m blunt and honest, he’ll never hit me, a first, admits he is that, but shows he isn’t willing to be anything but yet I’m supposed to waver.. big fu to him right now. Struggling cause my usual nervous system response is to fawn and I’m fighting against it. I dunno why I’m posting. Maybe to vent. Maybe yo be heard. Maybe to feel human. Maybe to pretend others care but thank you for listening.

Can false praise be a form of abuse?

I’m talking about a spouse or in-laws constantly putting you on a pedestal, praising you in ways that are exaggerated, false, or socially trapping, until you start feeling like you are being forced to live inside a made-up version of yourself.

From the outside, it looks like admiration.

From the inside, it can feel like control.

You cannot easily correct it without looking ungrateful. You cannot reject it without seeming rude. You cannot fully accept it without feeling complicit. So you get trapped inside a flattering lie.

Has anyone experienced this? Does this feel like a form of emotional abuse or coercive control to you? And can overpraise from family slowly erode your sense of self the way more obvious manipulation does?

I’ve tried to think this through carefully and wrote about it elsewhere, but I’m not posting the link because I want honest views, not clicks.

I’d really value your perspective.

My wife has issues with emotional regulation. We're near a breaking point because of it.

As a recent example, I was recently studying for a midterm (I'm trying to go back to school since my career needed to take a hit to support hers, as her job advancement required us to move internationally twice and I couldn't work for over a year. If I said no to the moves, she would instantly divorce me. I insisted she seek counselling for these coercive tendencies and I thought her career advancement would change things, but it didn't seem to do much). She knew my midterm was the next day and that it was very important. Deapite this, she experienced one of her emotional episodes, said that I was not paying enough attention to the family and kicked me out of our work area, making me study on our bed. She continued crying and being upset about my focus being on the exam for the rest of the day.

Two weeks later, we spoke and I asked for an apology about the event. She rolled her eyes and said "I'm sorry". I was so hurt that I left the room. She followed and said that I interrupted her and that she was the one who was hurt. Then she said that she was going to give me an apology. A big part of was thinking "you had two weeks".

How do you manage when someone eye rolls when apologizing? And what if they then say "I would have" and puts it back on you? I feel like I just can't win and it's on me to be perfect to get a resolution.

Also, is this all just really wrong? I'm pretty depressed and can't imagine making it through life without her, and I worry that this attitude could be keeping me stuck.

I been with my son father for 11 years but he doesn't want me around my family and we get into fight because I'm tired 9f only seeing him family and I miss my family but he always threatens my life if I take my son and leave to my family ......

hi please need some support I have no friends and my own mother is verbally abusive and only has negative things to say when I tried to tell her my problems.

I’m currently pregnant , baby is due in June , this is my 9th pregnancy, back in November my partner who’s the dad of my 8 children burned my face,arms with a torch lighter and beat me all over from head to feet punched,kicked me and strangled me also SA me with shampoo bottle. I went to the police and he was arrested but bonded out a week later. Following that DCS took our 8 children away, my oldest is 12 and my youngest is 1 and that was devastating due to loneliness and no one understands the pain of losing the children and I had no friends and family really so I took him back ,dismissed the protection order and recant all statements of abuse to the cops and DCS. It was ok at first but every other day he would just snap and demand I tell him the truth he always accused me of cheating since the first week we were together , first time he gave me a black eye was 2017 and everything just really escalated over the years. I had 2 mental hospital stays because of suicidal ideation and that really made it difficult to have my kids back because of that history ! Basically every day he would be mad at me he think it’s all my fault that the kids are taken and I need to tell him who I’ve been seeing and I would tell him no one I have been faithful since I got with him but that’s not good enough he would get pissed off and said I’m lying and would start to hit me or tried to break my hand or do anything and if I changed my answer tried to say whatever name he accused me of he would say call the person and I would be like I have no contact info because I haven’t talked to another man. Even everywhere I go I have to always record with my phone if not he would accused me of meeting up with some men at gas station or grocery store one time he punched my mouth and made me lose my tooth because he saw there was a guy behind me at gas station even tho I didn’t talk to the guy at all he accused me of knowing him who I have never seen before and demand his name and info and I said I have never seen him he got mad and started beating me. Stuff like this happens every other day if I don’t record every second that’s I’m not with him. Over the years he would kick me out and I would always just go to the ER because I have no where to go or I would go to my moms who lives 10 states away but would always come back the next day because of the kids . I do still miss him and love him and care for him but all the mental and physical abuse daily it’s just too much. 3 weeks ago he was in one of episodes again demand names and I would say there’s no one and he started beating me all over with the leg of my boot , I had bruises all over and he also made me strip naked and beat me in the shower and threaten to kill me in the tub, I almost was gonna run out naked ask for help but luckily his mother showed up and 2 weeks ago I told his mother what happened and she convinced me that I should get away from him and he is and will kill me one day and that’s coming from his mother. I was able to get the protection order against him again and he’s currently in a different state because there are 13 sexual assault and assault charges against him from November. Last 3 days he called and texted about 300 times saying he loves me and sorry and all that but a few texts he would call me names and accused me of being with some men and blame me for everything that had happened. I finally blocked him but tonight I just feel so lonely and sad so I unblock him and want to see his miss calls and texts again.

It’s just so difficult, over the years he manipulated the children to hate me and told them lies about me saying I went with other men and I don’t love them and made other people think he’s such a great dad taking care 8 children while I’m just a crazy mentally ill bad mom. My oldest daughter knows better as she actually had to yell dad stop a few times when he was beating me and drag me by the hair to the room. I told her I finally separated from their dad she was like good for you mom I’m proud of you it’s good you’re not with him. But some of my other children still confused they love him and with everything happened now he’s not calling or visit them anymore they’re like where’s dad and I’m like I don’t know.

I guess it’s because I have no one to talk to the therapist I saw via zoom for 40 min feel very insincere she’s like try go for a walk and download this meditation app it will help you.

So I google what to do loneliness after leaving abusive relationship and found this Reddit. I guess I just needed some insight from people with experiences like me to offer some advice and support. Thanks !

And I’m trying really hard to understand whether he’s an abusive person or just in active addiction.

We’re currently separated and the more time we spend away from each other the more confused I become about everything. When he left, I was so confident that was the right option and now I’m left wondering if he was actually abusive or just a good person in active addiction.

For years he spent so much money on alcohol and at bars while I was the main breadwinner and caregiver for our special needs child. But I still thought he was a good person who was just struggling. That we were deeply in love and he just needed support to get through his illness.

Except then the manipulation/coercion around sex started. I developed some chronic health issues and even though I was obviously struggling health wise (and working 2 jobs) he would still be moody, passive aggressive, withdrawn, etc if we didn’t have sex every two days. He would also make coercive comments like “you’ll feel better if you have sex” if I said I was tired or didn’t feel well. This among many other things that are too long to list.

This was all the while he was drinking the least since we’d been married.

That’s when I really started to question whether the alcohol was the issue and if our issues would go away if he got sober.

We’re currently separated because of many of the issues above, but I’m constantly ruminating on whether it was all really that bad, if he really is a bad person or just needs to get sober, or if I’m just telling myself it’s bad because selfishly I want more. And this is just an easy cop out for me to bail without feeling bad.

most of my friends know and they reach out but idk how to answer because i feel ashamed because i wont leave. i always see tiktok or posts about how exhausting it is to be the friend on the other side of it. i dont want to lose my friends because of this. i’m just not there yet im not ready.