Life has been a decades-long nightmare, could anyone talk to me? How do I get out?
Please read, I need to talk about what my life is like and hopefully get some insight, and find some community or some healthy friends.
I’m trapped handing all disposable income to debt payments after maxing out credit cards she convinced me to open to buy her shit. I’m gullible because I’m autistic, and I always make the wrong choice. I can’t afford to live anywhere yet but with equally abusive and narcissistic parents. I’m 31 with a bachelor of science making $70,000 in a STEM job. I have done therapy and IOP twice in the last 2 years but nothing sticks because of my horrible environment, in which I don’t feel safe to process my life and experiences. Somatic experiencing felt amazing the first session last year but it’s negated instantly when I go back to their house and didn’t work again. My mom stole my journals documenting abuse she’s done and art projects the IOP assigned me to detangle endless abuse and trauma (all three have done physical/emotional/verbal abuse). I don’t have an environment to live in I feel safe in or a home.
I even tried going to a male domestic violence shelter last year. My mom and dad wanted me to move out unless I left the shelter. All I wanted was to feel safe and fall asleep without being scared or numb. My first memory is of being molested by a non-family member, telling my mom, and her telling me “that didn’t happen”. My parents both assaulted me as an adult in their house. I couldn’t do anything because I would have been homeless. I had to go to my sister who raped me’s wedding in February because they’d kick me out if I refused. I tried organizing family therapy to stop how they treat me, they DARVO’ed everything to negate their abuse and my memory. They also invented a fake reason to change the lock so I couldn’t go in the home without them letting me in (they made up that I entered the house after being out late more than once), with which to redirect the focus of the family therapy to how I wanted to “force them to trust me” instead of them giving a fuck about me. I stupidly told my sister she raped me after another accusation of inhumanity toward me, so now I have to go along with my evil mom’s assertion that “I had night terrors when I was a kid” and pretend I made up that I watched my sister tell me “this is what you get for masturbating loudly” while raping me and choking me until I blacked out at 17. My mom threatened to leave my things on the front lawn if I called CPS. Years later she attacked me while I was asleep screaming “I hate you so much”. Her pussy whipped enabler husband (my loser father) got the cop to laugh about how his dad beat him too so she’d get off. They’ve got the cops on speedial and convinced my aunt and uncle I’m some sociopath lying to discredit them, who are boomers so they believe it. They’ve stopped bothering to hide that they record their conversations with me, they press the record button on an iPhone audibly knowing it’s a win win for them. If I stay nothing they get what they want. If I mention it they get to allege I’m hallucinating and get a free recording. After my “girlfriend” engineered a situation last year where I was charged with family violence for her (after spitting on me in private) withholding the keys to go inside and piss while at her apartment’s pool, they convinced me to instantly go to a mental hospital to soften a judge’s opinion. The lawyer deemed it unnecessar afterward, and it was dismissed. They wanted me to look unstable in case I ever accused them of their crimes, and to doubt myself more. He can’t drive because he has a felony DWI charge for a stimulant or something. It’s always projection. Also my sister hangs up instantly if I try to talk about what they do.
They get away with everything because they lord over me that I supposedly am supposedly severely mentally ill (they extorted me under threat of homeless for 6.5 years to let them watch me take anti-psychotic medication daily until a couple years ago. I’m exactly the same, the “symptoms of mental illness” were symptoms of perpetual abuse and familial neglect). I’ve been going back and forth between a woman exactly like my mom for 3 years. I secretly feel l deserve mistreatment as a duty. I know it’s because my mom fluctuated between calling me worthless while smashing my head into the passenger window while driving me as a kid (that stopped when I got taller than her, the psychological torture never ended until she decided I wasn’t human anymore and told me so) and praising me telling me I was so “special” and her “little king”. I was her emotional sponge growing up, her feelings mattered and mine didn’t. Now I’m of no use to her for narcissistic supply. The demon I’m dating took my period of growth and crushed it. I’m already dead. My mom told me “my son is dead. You killed him.” It’s both her words and this woman’s forever in my head. My thoughts aren’t there.
My whole life is now doing anything to forget this cage exists or praying for death. My mom’s nickname for me in childhood was her “guinea pig”, and Iearned every curse word because she called me it. The other woman is just as bad, she destroyed my childhood mementos and bragged that she loved doing it. She told me she’d leave me if I didn’t kiss her feet after stopping taking her to dinner reservations. She kicked me to the ground and pulled me by the hair because I wanted to talk about how a movie reminded me of our “relationship” and she didn’t. She winked after I told her I knew she scratched my eyeball while I was asleep. She loudly pounded her chest saying “___ stop hitting me” while I was asking her to stop mistreating me, then smiled and winked at me. My mom doesn’t brag about or reveal being a sadist, but it’s the same thing. Tells me “you’re so fucking sick” if I mention what she did or said ever. Immediately gaslights me with “that never happened” and “I don’t remember that happening”. My dad thought I was recording him once when I asked him to tell me why he punched me as an adult a few days prior. He ignored it, then turned around whiled leaving the restaurant and wiggled his tongue while silently laughing. Sometimes he calls crying saying “I don’t want you to have bad memories of me”.
I can’t do it anymore. If anyone has advice or god forbid wants to be my friend, I really need anyone healthy. I’m tired of this nightmare.