u/CapableEvening2712

And I’m trying really hard to understand whether he’s an abusive person or just in active addiction.

We’re currently separated and the more time we spend away from each other the more confused I become about everything. When he left, I was so confident that was the right option and now I’m left wondering if he was actually abusive or just a good person in active addiction.

For years he spent so much money on alcohol and at bars while I was the main breadwinner and caregiver for our special needs child. But I still thought he was a good person who was just struggling. That we were deeply in love and he just needed support to get through his illness.

Except then the manipulation/coercion around sex started. I developed some chronic health issues and even though I was obviously struggling health wise (and working 2 jobs) he would still be moody, passive aggressive, withdrawn, etc if we didn’t have sex every two days. He would also make coercive comments like “you’ll feel better if you have sex” if I said I was tired or didn’t feel well. This among many other things that are too long to list.

This was all the while he was drinking the least since we’d been married.

That’s when I really started to question whether the alcohol was the issue and if our issues would go away if he got sober.

We’re currently separated because of many of the issues above, but I’m constantly ruminating on whether it was all really that bad, if he really is a bad person or just needs to get sober, or if I’m just telling myself it’s bad because selfishly I want more. And this is just an easy cop out for me to bail without feeling bad.

Every day I oscillate back and forth between whether what I experienced was actually abuse, whether I’m the abuser, and if I’m the cruel and vindictive one for wanting to leave him. That I’m being selfish and I’m creating a false narrative that makes it easier to leave.

He’s never been overtly cruel to me. Never yelled at me, never called me names, never mentioned my insecurities (like acne). Always been very emotionally aware, validated my emotions about situations, never made me feel like I was being dramatic.

He was always very verbally and physically affectionate (and I to him). Always telling me he loved me, that I was beautiful, always noticed if I did something different with my hair or makeup. Always holding my hand, kissing me, and showing affection even in public.

Instead, it’s mainly been alcohol abuse, lying about money, and sexual coercion.

He’d spend so much money on alcohol, lie about where he was going because he knew I’d be upset if he was going to the bar, and hide alcohol bottles and drink in secret because he “didn’t want to upset me”. He’d drive drunk and tell me he was sorry, but just keep doing it. He damaged several cars this way.

I was the main breadwinner and he helped me with admin and operations for my business (very part time). I never cut him a paycheck, we just shared the finances. I didn’t want to emasculate him or be controlling by constantly monitoring his spending. But, he would constantly spend money on get rich quick schemes (always felt like he was just one big break from getting back on track) without telling me, paid for big tabs at bars, sent hundreds of dollars to random people he met at bars of his alcoholic friends. He’d never tell me about any of these things, I’d only ever find out after looking back on statements.

I was making a great income from my job so his excessive spending was cushioned by that, so I never really felt the full weight of the issues. Mostly because our love felt so worth saving and he was always so receptive in our discussions. I always felt like we were making progress until the next time something happened. But it always just enough time for me to feel like I had gotten over the last time and it never really built up.

When I had to close my business, I ended up getting 2 jobs to replace my income while he struggled to get a part time job. I told him he needed to get two part time jobs but he constantly stalled. He always had a reason why he wanted to wait to commit to another part time job (another opportunity coming up, transportation issues, etc), meanwhile I carried most of the mental and financial load of the relationship.

Even still, I felt like we were soulmates and he just needed some time and space to grow out of some immature mindsets.

When my health suffered and my libido dropped, that’s when I really started to question whether he really loved me. He had always been a little bit brash when it came to sex but he really just started to become harsh with me.

When I would tell him I wasn’t in the mood because I wasn’t feeling well (anxiety, pain, or fatigue) he would either try to convince me I would “feel better” if I did or he’d be passive aggressive — heavy sigh, say he couldn’t sleep, not speak to me much, or shuffle around loudly in bed all night. If I fell asleep while foreplay was going on, he’d sigh loudly, aggressively turn over so his back was facing me, or click his tongue in disappointment.

He eventually stopped cuddling me at night all together because I’d fall asleep before we could have sex.

Even during this period, we never usually went more than a week. But, after about 2 days, he would become moody and easily irritated with me. When I’d ask him why he was irritable, he’d say he had blue balls and this is “just how men get”. When we’d have sex, he’d be back to his normal self.

I finally worked up the courage to tell him I was feeling like an object and that there were issues in our marriage we needed to fix, so I wanted to pause sex while we worked on our issues. He protested at first but eventually agreed.

The problem was that it only worked for about a week before he would start pushing on my boundaries again. When I reminded him he would sigh, withdraw, and become moody. If things were really bad, he’d go into a silent rage and give me the cold shoulder for days. I’d withdraw in response. Then he’d come back and apologize.

That cycle continued for months and eventually we decided to separate because of it all. He said he constantly felt rejected by me even though I felt like I had communicated my intentions and my issues with his behavior around alcohol, money, and sex. I was clear that I felt taken advantage of in many ways (to which he agreed and apologized) but that I was willing to do the work to make things better.

He seemed desperate for things to get better and in many ways they did — he had a 30 day stint of sobriety. But he was still pushing my boundaries sexually and being dishonest about money. But it just all became too much for me.

So many of the issues in our relationship happened when I didn’t see them — getting drunk and spending money at bars — so it almost feels like it didn’t happen to me. There’s also all of the weird passive aggressive stuff, like circular arguments disguised as playful banter, playing issues down, long deep conversations about how much he loved me after I’d bring up issues. Such subtle manipulation that I’m not even sure it’s manipulation.

All I have to prove that I’ve been harmed by him is the financial damage from his drinking. But, even that doesn’t really feel real to me because we never went without.

I feel so much more peaceful with him gone but he still wants me back. He says he’s going to prove to me he can be a good husband and is still calling me pet names. I just can’t help but feel like I’m abandoning someone unfairly and springing this on him out of the blue. Like, maybe it wasn’t even abuse and he’s still the good person I always saw underneath.

Every day I oscillate back and forth between whether what I experienced was actually abuse, whether I’m the abuser, and if I’m the cruel and vindictive one for wanting to leave him. That I’m being selfish and I’m creating a false narrative that makes it easier to leave.

He’s never been overtly cruel to me. Never yelled at me, never called me names, never mentioned my insecurities (like acne). Always been very emotionally aware, validated my emotions about situations, never made me feel like I was being dramatic.

He was always very verbally and physically affectionate (and I to him). Always telling me he loved me, that I was beautiful, always noticed if I did something different with my hair or makeup. Always holding my hand, kissing me, and showing affection even in public.

Instead, it’s mainly been alcohol abuse, lying about money, and sexual coercion.

He’d spend so much money on alcohol, lie about where he was going because he knew I’d be upset if he was going to the bar, and hide alcohol bottles and drink in secret because he “didn’t want to upset me”. He’d drive drunk and tell me he was sorry, but just keep doing it. He damaged several cars this way.

I was the main breadwinner and he helped me with admin and operations for my business (very part time). I never cut him a paycheck, we just shared the finances. I didn’t want to emasculate him or be controlling by constantly monitoring his spending. But, he would constantly spend money on get rich quick schemes (always felt like he was just one big break from getting back on track) without telling me, paid for big tabs at bars, sent hundreds of dollars to random people he met at bars of his alcoholic friends. He’d never tell me about any of these things, I’d only ever find out after looking back on statements.

I was making a great income from my job so his excessive spending was cushioned by that, so I never really felt the full weight of the issues. Mostly because our love felt so worth saving and he was always so receptive in our discussions. I always felt like we were making progress until the next time something happened. But it always just enough time for me to feel like I had gotten over the last time and it never really built up.

When I had to close my business, I ended up getting 2 jobs to replace my income while he struggled to get a part time job. I told him he needed to get two part time jobs but he constantly stalled. He always had a reason why he wanted to wait to commit to another part time job (another opportunity coming up, transportation issues, etc), meanwhile I carried most of the mental and financial load of the relationship.

Even still, I felt like we were soulmates and he just needed some time and space to grow out of some immature mindsets.

When my health suffered and my libido dropped, that’s when I really started to question whether he really loved me. He had always been a little bit brash when it came to sex but he really just started to become harsh with me.

When I would tell him I wasn’t in the mood because I wasn’t feeling well (anxiety, pain, or fatigue) he would either try to convince me I would “feel better” if I did or he’d be passive aggressive — heavy sigh, say he couldn’t sleep, not speak to me much, or shuffle around loudly in bed all night. If I fell asleep while foreplay was going on, he’d sigh loudly, aggressively turn over so his back was facing me, or click his tongue in disappointment.

He eventually stopped cuddling me at night all together because I’d fall asleep before we could have sex.

Even during this period, we never usually went more than a week. But, after about 2 days, he would become moody and easily irritated with me. When I’d ask him why he was irritable, he’d say he had blue balls and this is “just how men get”. When we’d have sex, he’d be back to his normal self.

I finally worked up the courage to tell him I was feeling like an object and that there were issues in our marriage we needed to fix, so I wanted to pause sex while we worked on our issues. He protested at first but eventually agreed.

The problem was that it only worked for about a week before he would start pushing on my boundaries again. When I reminded him he would sigh, withdraw, and become moody. If things were really bad, he’d go into a silent rage and give me the cold shoulder for days. I’d withdraw in response. Then he’d come back and apologize.

That cycle continued for months and eventually we decided to separate because of it all. He said he constantly felt rejected by me even though I felt like I had communicated my intentions and my issues with his behavior around alcohol, money, and sex. I was clear that I felt taken advantage of in many ways (to which he agreed and apologized) but that I was willing to do the work to make things better.

He seemed desperate for things to get better and in many ways they did — he had a 30 day stint of sobriety. But he was still pushing my boundaries sexually and being dishonest about money. But it just all became too much for me.

So many of the issues in our relationship happened when I didn’t see them — getting drunk and spending money at bars — so it almost feels like it didn’t happen to me. There’s also all of the weird passive aggressive stuff, like circular arguments disguised as playful banter, playing issues down, long deep conversations about how much he loved me after I’d bring up issues. Such subtle manipulation that I’m not even sure it’s manipulation.

All I have to prove that I’ve been harmed by him is the financial damage from his drinking. But, even that doesn’t really feel real to me because we never went without.

I feel so much more peaceful with him gone but he still wants me back. He says he’s going to prove to me he can be a good husband and is still calling me pet names. I just can’t help but feel like I’m abandoning someone unfairly and springing this on him out of the blue. Like, maybe it wasn’t even abuse and he’s still the good person I always saw underneath.

I let it go on for years without recognizing that’s what was happening. Even now, I look back and think “was it really that bad”.

For context, my husband is an alcoholic and alcohol (plus the instability that comes with that) has caused some major rifts in our relationship over the years that never really got repaired. We’ve always been a very physically affectionate couple since we’ve been together but his libido has always surpassed mine.

It started with him telling me he needed to “release” every two days (seemingly jokingly). I thought he was just being funny / flirty with me but when it went past two days he was very aware and was counting the days as it went by. He would become moody, irritable, etc and when I asked him why, he would say “blue balls”. I would laugh it off because it sounded silly but if I turned him down at night after he had been irritable during the day he would get irritated.

This was “manageable” in my mind and I never really gave it too much thought. I thought, boys will be boys and, as a wife, there are things that I’m not going to want to do sometimes that I have to do, even if I’m tired or upset, and this is just part of marriage.

But, deep down I think I knew something was wrong because my libido had gone from high to pretty much nonexistent.

Things went to the crapper when I got sick (while still working 2 jobs). I started dealing with chronic symptoms that really messed with my stress levels and sleep. I started having panic attacks and debilitating shoulder pain that would all flare when I went to bed. Any ability I had to power through my low libido to meet his needs went out the window.

I made sure to communicate all of this to him. He knew on a day to day basis how my body was feeling and how my symptoms seemed to flare at night and everything. He generally seemed supportive but when I was constantly turning him down for sex then he started to get really moody.

He’d complain about his “blue balls”, he’d toss and turn at night saying he couldn’t sleep because we weren’t having sex, he’d say how it was affecting his mental health. He’d complain that I was always tired and when I reminded him of the fact that I was dealing with these symptoms, he’d tell me “I just needed to release and I’d feel better” if I was anxious or “I’d sleep so much better” if I was tired.

If I did have the intention to have sex, a lot of times I’d fall asleep during foreplay like if we were cuddling or if he was giving me a massage. I was \*really tired\*. Sometimes he’d grind up on me or sigh loudly or turn around aggressively next to me if he knew I’d fallen asleep. When I’d inevitably wake up to this, sometimes he would start kissing me to try to get me to stay awake. Eventually, he stopped cuddling with me or giving me massages before bed altogether because I was falling asleep pretty much every time.

I never expressed any issues with some of this behavior prior because I never thought I was allowed to have an issue with it. But when I was dealing with so much pressure from work and dealing with these health issues at the same time (that I was doing my best to resolve), and he was still so moody about sex I just started to feel like an object.

After this, I told him I didn’t want to have sex for a period of time because I was feeling objectified and like I wasn’t sure if he really cared how I felt about sex (on top of other issues in our marriage). I just wanted some time to repair things. After a lot of protest he agreed to my boundaries but was constantly pushing on them. When I would remind him, he would take it as rejection and started to say things like “but your body is mine” or “what’s the point of being together if there’s so many rules about how I can touch you”. He’d withdraw and ice me out or say I was punishing him if I reminded him of the boundaries. Then he’d warm back up again but start right back into it — sneaking “accidental” grazes in or “slipping a hand” up my shirt or around my waistband or would make comments about having a boner. He said he was just flirting with me and he didn’t realize it was such a big deal. Except for the fact that this made up the bulk of our interactions on a day to day basis. I just started to feel like I was being pawed at constantly.

Most of those things I would have been okay with previously under normal circumstances but after feeling like an object I think it just hit differently. I started to wonder if I had just been downplaying the behavior before and now I was just starting to see the truth of our relationship. I feel guilty that I let it go on so long unknowingly. I feel like I sprung these feelings on him out of the blue, but they did come out of the blue in a way — mostly because I felt objectified when I was most vulnerable.

I let it go on for years without recognizing that’s what was happening. Even now, I look back and think “was it really that bad”.

For context, my husband is an alcoholic and alcohol (plus the instability that comes with that) has caused some major rifts in our relationship over the years that never really got repaired. We’ve always been a very physically affectionate couple since we’ve been together but his libido has always surpassed mine.

It started with him telling me he needed to “release” every two days (seemingly jokingly). I thought he was just being funny / flirty with me but when it went past two days he was very aware and was counting the days as it went by. He would become moody, irritable, etc and when I asked him why, he would say “blue balls”. I would laugh it off because it sounded silly but if I turned him down at night after he had been irritable during the day he would get irritated.

This was “manageable” in my mind and I never really gave it too much thought. I thought, boys will be boys and, as a wife, there are things that I’m not going to want to do sometimes that I have to do, even if I’m tired or upset, and this is just part of marriage.

But, deep down I think I knew something was wrong because my libido had gone from high to pretty much nonexistent.

Things went to the crapper when I got sick (while still working 2 jobs). I started dealing with chronic symptoms that really messed with my stress levels and sleep. I started having panic attacks and debilitating shoulder pain that would all flare when I went to bed. Any ability I had to power through my low libido to meet his needs went out the window.

I made sure to communicate all of this to him. He knew on a day to day basis how my body was feeling and how my symptoms seemed to flare at night and everything. He generally seemed supportive but when I was constantly turning him down for sex then he started to get really moody.

He’d complain about his “blue balls”, he’d toss and turn at night saying he couldn’t sleep because we weren’t having sex, he’d say how it was affecting his mental health. He’d complain that I was always tired and when I reminded him of the fact that I was dealing with these symptoms, he’d tell me “I just needed to release and I’d feel better” if I was anxious or “I’d sleep so much better” if I was tired.

If I did have the intention to have sex, a lot of times I’d fall asleep during foreplay like if we were cuddling or if he was giving me a massage. I was \*really tired\*. Sometimes he’d grind up on me or sigh loudly or turn around aggressively next to me if he knew I’d fallen asleep. When I’d inevitably wake up to this, sometimes he would start kissing me to try to get me to stay awake. Eventually, he stopped cuddling with me or giving me massages before bed altogether because I was falling asleep pretty much every time.

I never expressed any issues with some of this behavior prior because I never thought I was allowed to have an issue with it. But when I was dealing with so much pressure from work and dealing with these health issues at the same time (that I was doing my best to resolve), and he was still so moody about sex I just started to feel like an object.

After this, I told him I didn’t want to have sex for a period of time because I was feeling objectified and like I wasn’t sure if he really cared how I felt about sex (on top of other issues in our marriage). I just wanted some time to repair things. After a lot of protest he agreed to my boundaries but was constantly pushing on them. When I would remind him, he would take it as rejection and started to say things like “but your body is mine” or “what’s the point of being together if there’s so many rules about how I can touch you”. He’d withdraw and ice me out or say I was punishing him if I reminded him of the boundaries. Then he’d warm back up again but start right back into it — sneaking “accidental” grazes in or “slipping a hand” up my shirt or around my waistband or would make comments about having a boner. He said he was just flirting with me and he didn’t realize it was such a big deal. Except for the fact that this made up the bulk of our interactions on a day to day basis. I just started to feel like I was being pawed at constantly.

Most of those things I would have been okay with previously under normal circumstances but after feeling like an object I think it just hit differently. I started to wonder if I had just been downplaying the behavior before and now I was just starting to see the truth of our relationship. I feel guilty that I let it go on so long unknowingly. I feel like I sprung these feelings on him out of the blue, but they did come out of the blue in a way — mostly because I felt objectified when I was most vulnerable.

I (27F) have been with my husband (29M) for almost a decade. He’s my first and only relationship.

We had our first child and got married all within the same year. In hindsight we probably never should have gotten married because he was not stable, had commitment issues leading up to us dating, and enjoyed alcohol a little too much, too frequently. But, we always had what I felt was a great connection — same sense of humor, we could spend all day with each other and not be sick of each other, shared perspectives on spirituality, loved his family (and vice versa), could have a conversation without even saying a word. Like, soulmate stuff. I truly felt he was my soulmate.

But, he got significantly worse late into my pregnancy. He slowly but surely started drinking more heavily more often, blacking out, calling off work to go drink, things he had never done before. Once our baby was born, things escalated further. He was getting drunk just a few days after we left the hospital and seemed overall very emotional. I should have just left then but back then it didn’t even feel like an option. I felt like the frog in boiling water. All I could remember was this great connection and I think I was in denial about how bad everything was.

I just stayed in that state for years even as things got worse. I worked 2 jobs, took care of our little one, and just overfunctioned. Thankfully, we were living with family of mine at the time who stepped in while he was completely unreliable. They let him continue to live in their home with us and just wanted him to get better (like me).

We moved out of my family’s home and, after many conversations, his drinking did eventually slow down and he seemed to even out emotionally. He was much more present as a dad. But we still fought often over his moodiness, drinking, employment, his excessive spending (I was the breadwinner, he worked part time) on alcohol, starting up “side gigs”, etc.

Nonetheless we still spent great quality time together, had fun, and had long deep conversations. He would always tell me he loved me, we were frequently affectionate, and he was always doting on me. It was like I would see the him I always knew, but then he would just dissolve and turn into something else, sometimes all in the same day.

I told myself I just had to hold on until he got better, that this was what being committed to someone was about.

When those same family members hit hard times, I started visiting them often to help out and sending them money. I felt it was the least I could do given how much they helped me when he was neglecting his responsibilities.

Alongside all of the other issues, this became a real point of contention. He said he was moody, drank, and didn’t want to work more because he felt like he was a third wheel to my relationship with my family members and that money. He said I was leaning on them for decisions, that he didn’t feel like we were a real, independent couple. He said he never felt accepted by them, judged, etc.

I reminded him that he had never really done anything to really rebuild trust with anyone, especially me. I felt that because of that, he didn’t have any right to have say anything about how I was helping my family, especially when they had helped him so much while he was acting like a complete jerk. He agreed but it never really changed anything, I know he still felt that way. Especially as time went on and his drinking slowly decreased in frequency (still binge drinking), I think he felt more and more entitled to my family and I no longer leaning on each other. I felt obligated to that, too.

Everything reached a tipping point when I got sick. I experienced long standing symptoms after a virus (while working 2 jobs) and my libido completely tanked. All the sudden his regular sexual advances (which I had no problem with) verged into coercion territory. He was saying how he was struggling with his mental health because he wasn’t getting regular “releases” (keep in mind we were still having sex at least 1x per week), heavy sighing if I said I was tired or didn’t feel well, and would be in a bad mood if we went beyond 2 days, which he said was because he wasn’t getting sex enough. It made me start to feel awful, like an object.

It was like I finally started to see the light, like I couldn’t do this anymore. Now I was starting to feel like maybe he wasn’t just a broken person who needed help and love through a mental health struggle, maybe he really just didn’t care about me at all.

I finally broke down and told him what I was feeling and that I couldn’t do it anymore. I’d been pushed past my limit and if there was any hope of saving our relationship, he would have to stop drinking and we couldn’t have sex until we repaired our relationship. He went back and forth between saying I was trying to manipulate him, control him, and dangle sex over his head to saying he loved me more than anything, wanted to honor all of my requests, and get better for us.

But the longer I held my boundaries, the more frustrated he became. I just couldn’t handle it and I shut down. Eventually he broke up with me because he said there was no point in us being together, he was wasting my time because he wasn’t going to get better, and he felt I was moving on.

We’ve been separated since then but he is still going back and forth about everything. Saying he’s going to get better and win me back, then not contacting me for days, then going back to acting like we’re still together, even though he broke up with me. He started saying that he never meant to break up with me and he doesn’t even remember doing that. But he was just stabbing in the dark to see how I really felt.

Deep down I think I know I should divorce him but I just can’t bring myself to do it. That connection we’ve always had is still there and I still love him, but we are so much more peaceful without him here.

I hate I let myself feel torn about helping my family because he had such a big issue with it. I hate feeling like I’ll never find a connection like the one we have even though it’s been objectively awful for me. I hate that he just acts however he wants with me instead of respecting reasonable boundaries and that it frazzles my brain.

But most of all, I hate that I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m so scared to leave him and think about never being with him ever again when it’s pretty much all I’ve ever known. Why do I feel this way?

TL;DR My husband feels like my soulmate but has been a pretty objectively awful husband and yet I’m still struggling with divorcing him. Why?