r/Suicide_Talk

it finialy got to enough. I’m about to send the final ‚I love you‘ text to everyone and let go. I’m a shitty person, a shitty friend, a shitty sibling. maybe in another lifetime it’s different and I’m a good person with a good life. but. . In this lifetime? I’m shitty. I lost my favorite person because of it. it’s 4 in the morning and I haven’t slept at all, I’d ignored every text or call. I don’t blame anyone for this but myself. but when I text you ‚I love you.‘ it’s time to put your phone down and let me go.

​

I know it’s crazy and immature that I’m bringing this up again and again, especially since you’ve already been supportive. You’ve been through a lot yourself, and you still have to deal with them in person, unlike me. You probably don’t even want to think about all this anymore, and here I am dragging it back up. I’ll try to make this the last time I say all of this.

I’m sorry for repeating this, but I genuinely feel like all of this happened because of me. I don’t think I’m a good person. The people who really know me would probably agree. My roommates have literally heard the way I talk about her in my room every day. I get frustrated for no reason sometimes, and I can be rude, cold, and distant. I don’t share things like my power bank or laptop, while she does. One of my roommates says she’s a nice person and that she’s helped her heal in ways no one else has. Everyone has something good to say about her. She helps people. So maybe I’m the problem.

The truth is, I’ve hardly ever liked her. Even though she helped me a lot and did me a lot of favors, I never spoke up when I felt hurt by things she said or what I thought were indirect taunts. Maybe they weren’t even taunts, maybe it’s just how I interpreted them. But I stayed quiet because I felt like if I said anything, I’d be the one getting called out. She even cried sometimes because I was so cold and rude to her.

She once told two of our friends that our group had “two duos,” and I didn’t instigate anything against them. I just ignored them and mostly talked to one person I felt safe with. They might think that’s wrong, but I didn’t care at the time. Now I know if I ever speak up, they’ll probably gang up on me. One of them has always called me out whenever she had complaints, and she’d act like the victim. She also ignored me when I didn’t inform her about my PG. Same with the other one. I just felt safer with the one friend who was kind to me.

I’m distant in general. I don’t like lending things. When my charger melted and she made comments implying she would have shared hers, it felt like an indirect taunt. Maybe my communication is just bad and they didn’t understand me, but am I supposed to feel good when I think someone is taunting me?

I get offended by a lot of things, but I rarely complain, at least not in front of her. If she could say certain things in front of me, I wonder what she said behind my back. I also get frustrated easily, but I try to hold it in. Still, I end up being cold, rude, and mean, which doesn’t make me a better person. She also complained about the group to our roommates, and they got frustrated too. I didn’t agree with everything she said, but I stayed quiet. Maybe some of it was true. But if she had talked to us first, I might have taken it differently.

She once asked me if I felt bad because “they are also my friends,” which felt like another indirect taunt. I didn’t come to college for this kind of drama. I’ve called her things like attention seeker, narcissist, and worse when talking to my roommates. But when I think about it, maybe I’m the one who is those things. You might not have noticed, but I always did. I’ve always hated her. I tried not to, but even small things would trigger me. She’s very dominating, and someone else in the group said that too. But that doesn’t justify me.

I think she had issues with the one friend I was close to because of me. If I hadn’t isolated myself with that person, maybe things would’ve been different. They might have still been friends. I created so much drama, and that friend had to deal with it. They even had to go and talk to the others because of me, while I switched off my phone and avoided responsibility. And now I’m bringing it up months later.

I say a lot of horrible things about her. She once said she felt lonely and left out around December in second year. That might have been because of me. I was always cold and distant, so she’d just put on headphones. When I mentioned this before, it might have sounded like I was talking about third year, but it was second year. Her mental health was affected, and I was part of the reason. We used to go straight back to our room after attendance. The others didn’t know her before, but I did. So I should have been better.

I even think it’s partly our fault she didn’t get a guy she liked. We joked about it and didn’t support her trying to approach him. That makes me a bad person too. I don’t take a stand for anyone. I seem nice because I stay quiet, but people who really know me know I’m not.

I’ve had anger issues for a long time. I wasn’t nice even in school. I’m just someone who appears nice because I don’t show things openly. When she said her mental health was affected, I felt frustrated instead of concerned. I even thought about asking if she needed a psychiatrist. Another friend suggested she meet someone for help, so clearly others saw it too. Still, my reaction says a lot about me.

And about not telling her about pg I had financial problems I wasn't comfortable talking about it plus it's her I hate her she is not someone I would want to share my problems with. It is very suffocating and exhausting to exist in her presence. If I were to tell anyone she would be the last one. Why were her friends calling me out .

I also don’t let people into my room. Once someone complimented my room and wanted to see it, and she said in a rude tone something like, “She won’t let you in.” I still let them in because I’m dependent on people and didn’t want conflict. I denied even my closer friends coming to my PG, not because I didn’t want them there, but because the room is small and I don’t like invading personal space. I should have explained that instead of just saying no.

There were small incidents too. Like when someone asked about mess food and she signaled them not to talk about it and rolled her eyes at me. Or when someone complained that I don’t accompany them or didn’t inform them about the PG. I thought I made it obvious I didn’t like her, but I never actually said it. That’s on me.

I keep my own soap and handwash and don’t share it. Someone called that unhygienic. I don’t understand how that makes me unhygienic. It just felt like another thing to criticize.

I’ve said extremely bad things about her in my room, using slurs, mocking her voice loudly so others could hear. One roommate once said everyone can hear it in a frustrated tone. I didn’t care at the time. I let my anger out like that. It started around third semester. By fourth semester, after she complained about the group, I just started hating her completely. Being around her feels suffocating.

I feel like I was just clinging to people, and they were tolerating me out of kindness. I feel like a free extra no one actually wants. It’s always been like that. I keep thinking I deserve all of this. I caused problems, said terrible things, and now I’m facing the consequences.

I’ve never used as many bad words as I did in college. I just don’t say them in front of others. I use them privately, loudly enough for people to hear. That says a lot about me. Even if they aren’t perfect, it doesn’t make me better.

Sometimes I even feel like I hate her so much that I think about harming her, which scares me. I know that’s wrong. I take out my problems from home on others, which is unfair.

There are small things too, like when someone asked me to check her marks and I didn’t. She got upset and went to the washroom. I keep disappointing people. During exams, because of seating, she had to sit at the edge while others could cheat more freely. That also felt like my fault. Or when I refused to shift seats in lab even though I knew she feels left out. That was insensitive.

I don’t know how to respond when people reassure me because I don’t believe it.

I also keep thinking about “what if” scenarios. Like if I had worked harder and gotten into a better school in 6th grade, maybe my life would be different. Better environment, better friends, better communication skills, more confidence, more extracurriculars. Maybe I would have been normal, not someone who isolates themselves in a room all day.

I even think about my family. I wish my parents made better decisions instead of relying on others. I sometimes wish I didn’t have a sibling because I don’t feel capable of being an elder sibling. When my brother was born, I felt like I was being replaced. I didn’t want other kids in the family because I thought people would stop loving me. I know that sounds childish, but those feelings were real. I still love my cousins, even if I sometimes feel jealous.

I don’t understand why everything feels like it’s constantly triggering me. Why does it feel like everyone is ragebaiting me all the time?

I know I’ve done a lot wrong. I don’t know what to do with that. But I will still do it if I got another chance in a worse way.

Im 34. Just had a birthday. I can't sleep. Need to be up in 6 hours for work. And the only thing I can think of is how I badly want to relapse and find a nice place to just end it. I have zero friends because I have multiple personality disorders and i was a horrible person before I grew up. Basically non contact with my family. Im homeless living in a tent. I gained over 50lbs in the last 8 months. I dont have enough money for therapy or my meds. Ive been off my meds for almost 2 years now. I was on multiple mood stabilizers. Old psych doctor said its dangerous to be get off but just couldnt afford them no more. I have no education so im working a job that pays enough to get me by. But too much to rely on goverment help. Even if the goverment would help considering I live in a very red state. Tbh if I go tonight who would miss me besides my GF? Dont even know how I managed to land her. She says "I see the potential in the man you're trying to be. And I want to be there when he shows up." Bunch of bull i dont think ill ever get there. Im over weight spiraling and slowly dying. Why prolong the inevitable. Tired of being homeless. Tired of being unstable. Tired of not having money. Just tired of surving. Been doing it since I was a kid. I want to live but never been given a chance. So if the universe wont let me live why stick around?

My boyfriend of 8years constantly cheats on me. I have anxious attachment and I just can’t leave him. He always treats me so bad, makes me beg him to talk to me or basic human decency. He threatens that he will breakup with me. Also I am going through very bad health issues. I don’t know what to do. But I feel so numb.

Man I wish I were dead.

Unemployed now and been draining my savings down to a few cents, i can't afford food to survive next month, May. Tried to sell all my stuff that can be sold, and most of them has no value.

Found out my ex employee had not been honest and had took a portion of my salary, and had not return after contacting them. Local authorities doesn't do anything. I don't even know how they evade tax for that money.

I'm tired. Really been tired of life. I feel numb to a point where i had been having suicide ideation everyday for sometime now.

I just kind of want this to end, i can feel the peace with it. Living is just pain.

For context I’ve(21F) been best friends with her for over a decade, practically growing up together. We’ve both gone through a lot and love her as my sister. However, I’ve sometimes resented her because of my own issues and it’s my responsibility and fault for letting my thoughts take over. I know she deserves better than a friend like me. I’ve had unresolved childhood trauma from bullying that I’ve never come around to address professionally. In the process I’ve gone into a suicidal pathway with contemplating suicide multiple times. But I don’t really want to come up with excuses since I do blame myself for not going to get professional help. I guess truthfully I just feel like I have no energy to push myself into going to get help(again I know this is an excuse to myself).

Anyway, I’ve been contemplating just moving past my friendship since looking at it the burden of the emotions I foster aren’t fair to her. At the same time my body insecurities also make me compare to her. She hasn’t done anything wrong and is supportive I just find food sadly a sense of comfort. I do go to the gym or push myself to go more now. However, that doesn’t always work out and that’s because of myself so I have no excuse but try and fix my eating and working out.

Having a different college path has also made me feel more lonely then I thought. I sometimes lay and just wonder if I wasn’t here it would rid the world of someone not worthy to be here. I don’t know how to find my will to live. And as cliche as it sounds i genuinely believe no one will ever love me. Never having a boyfriend or let alone a guy look at me, sort of ruin my self esteem, especially when your friend constantly has stories about guys hitting on her.

I don’t think I have much time left. I’ll keep my promise to my dog, but after that, I just can’t think of a reason to be here anymore. I’m a net burden to a dying world.

I posted a blog about a situation that happened a little while ago. The situation cleared up, but theres a lot of debris that has fallen on me. I have been proven innocent by my school and the police, as the other guy involved has been proven guilty. I was not involved whatsoever, but some people still believe that I was no matter what I tell them. A lot of my “friends“ have switched up on me, and it seems like they are just bitching right now, but I don’t know if they’ll ever switch back. people harassed me in school, online, and just in general. I get prank calls of people telling me I’m a failure and then I should kill myself. People don’t talk to me in school and they go out of their way to avoid me people move their seat away from me in class so I’m isolated. And people are just blatantly rude to me and they disregard my side of whatever story. I try to tell him that I’m innocent, but they don’t listen and no matter what I try to think positive out of this situation, the negative thoughts always take over. I am a known football star at my school. i’m the starting quarterback. I have big dreams to play football in college and even further but recently I’ve been rethinking my decisions. Everything about this past situation has been so detrimental to my mental health. I don’t know what I wanna do in college anymore. I don’t know if I wanna finish high school and I just don’t know what I wanna do with my life. Someone please help me get out of this slump.

Both can end up with not being dead but just brain dead or paralyzed.

Ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was 12 and my past attempts have been unsuccessful and i never really got any help for it,i couple months ago i started to feel better about life in general but it all started to go downhill. I used to talk to people all the time and at least be able to look at myself in the mirror but now i only talk to like two people daily (not family) and only hang out with one friend. I never really make my problems obvious to other or open up since i don’t want to be a burden and i always try to show my best side. My other friends are acting so weird towards me and have a whole gc where they make plans without me and im pretty sure the girl who I’ve been the closest with since my sophomore year of hs and have been through so much together has been talking shit about me with them which we’ve only known them for a couple of months. I just feel so alienated by everyone and I can’t even stand to look at myself because of all the bullying. My grades have dropped tremendously and I have so many absences because I can’t mentally handle school right now and atp I don’t even care that much since I feel like I’ve given up on everything. All my goals are out the window and I know I prob won’t make it if I do fail since I can’t handle the shame and disappointing my mom. I’ve talked about some stuff with my bsf but I also don’t want to talk about it 24/7 cus I don’t wanna be too much even though ik she would never say it. I just don’t want to feel like a burden and so alone.

Hey… I’m a 17-year-old guy who’s been struggling mentally for a while.

I’ve been doing this small check-in with myself in the shower every day, and yesterday for the first time in months I didn’t want to die. I don’t expect that feeling to last perfectly, but I want to believe it means something and try to build on it.

I’ve realized that one of the only things that has helped me through all of this is connection with other people. At the same time, I sometimes feel like I don’t fit in, or I end up isolating myself even from people who are good for me.

So I’d like to find people around my age who are open to genuine, calm conversations and building a real connection over time.

I’m not looking for someone to save me, and I’m not in a place to save anyone either. I’m just looking for something mutual, where we can support each other without pressure.

If we start talking and it doesn’t work out, that’s completely fine—no expectations or promises. I just want to try and see where things go, slowly.

If this resonates with you, feel free to reach out.

Within the last year, I've been falsely convicted of a felony, my wife left me, I crashed my truck, lost my job, been paralyzed on one side, and gotten two DUIs despite not having had anything to drink. Now I'm unemployable, unloved, and unwilling to continue living but too afraid to kill myself.

I have nothing in this world. I have nothing for this world. For years, I have felt like I wasn't meant to be here this long and every day I feel more and more like I am not supposed to be here.

I wish I had died in the crash.

before i even start explaining myself i want to clarify none of this is like health related other than just for my own pleasure to feel better. the other day i decided to give up and just try to overdose and pray for death. i got my antidepressants and downed whatever was in the bottle. in a couple minutes i was in a lot of pain but i could tell i wasn't going to die from this even if i wanted to. so instead of just sitting there on the bathroom trying to fight my vomit, i puked a lot of it up. it took a couple days but now i can properly walk again with minor shaking. my issue is the antidepressants had a side effect of delayed ejaculation. it has been 4 days since i took the pills and i still cannot cum at all. it's very bothering because my love partner wants to try and help me in a romantic way that i can't really take if i can't experience the full thing and instead just tire us both out. i know that consequences come with actions and all that, but i still am very bothered by this a ton. sorry about the slightly intimate vent yall.

love you guys and i swear yall are worth all the time in the world. keep fighting as long as you can alright?

I really wish I had a good enough plan that wouldn’t fail.

Fair warning this can be very triggering for some people. So long story short I’m adopted and ever since I was a toddler I have always been trying to kms and my adoptive parents made it abundantly clear they hate me and wish on multiple occasions I had succeeded in kms but I’ve been kicked out multiple times and even moved out twice and I now currently live with my friends family but on Saturday 04/24/26 I woke up to the news that my grandmother had passed away and my adoptive parents went to see my grandfather (he lives in a different state) and didn’t invite me to come because I’m too much of a burden to the family but after that I went into a really bad depression and had no on to talk to I tried to talk to my friend that I live with and his mom but at his current stage in life he’s being an absolute duck and selfish and the whole woe is me phase and like ig I get that but stfu sometimes you know? And his mom has no clue how to deal with mental health so with no one to talk to it kept getting worse and worse until Monday 04/27/26 rolled around and it was senior skip day at my school I woke up that morning feeling like a dead man walking and when everyone left for school and there mom went to work (she works from home) I told her I was going to take a nap at 8:00 am and she believed me because I hadn’t eaten or slept since Saturday. And I went up to my room with the only thought running through my mind being today is the day I die and I’m on antidepressants one of them for anxiety called propranolol and I already knew the minimum lethal dose was 2,000 milligrams and I had quite a few extra prescribed bottles with 90 pills in each bottle each pill being 20 milligrams. I did the math and was like huh that’s more than enough to kill me I have 360 pills here that’s 7,200 milligrams more than three times a lethal dose and at 8:15 am I made up my mind I decided that the date that would be on my tomb stone will be 04/27/2026 and for anyone who doesn’t know what propranolol will do if you take a lethal dose is it’s a beta blocker meaning it’s mainly used for lowering blood pressure and heart rate but most cases death is caused by the consumption of 2,000 or more milligrams and out of the 360 pills I took 225 pills that’s 4,500 milligrams or 4.5 grams that’s over double the lethal dose minimum and i consumed all the pills at 8:20 and if you don’t know the side effect of a propranolol overdose let me enlighten you the following are the most common side effects of a propranolol overdose: Key Symptoms of Propranolol Overdose: Cardiovascular: Profoundly slow heart rate (bradycardia), low blood pressure (hypotension), cardiac arrhythmias, and cardiogenic shock. Neurological: Seizures, coma, decreased level of consciousness, fatigue, and confusion. Respiratory: Shortness of breath, slow or difficult breathing, and potential respiratory depression. General/Other: Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, lightheadedness, cold extremities, and sweating. I'm adding a second and maybe third part if i cant add the screenshots to the second

https://preview.redd.it/z4eqfep9wyxg1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=5f58ce2fd8786b7ece2b7d9631f8302ccc9a04e3

https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience

Why Should i keep existing? [context] I'm an ex drug addict, face has giant open pores, been alone for 10+years. I have no room to love someone, nor do i think i could be loved. I'm not close with anyone. Cant make connections with people, just face value. I believe in god and that's been keeping me going. Also my mom being alive is another reason. I have also been working out for a couple years. Trying to better myself, but i feel the same everyday. My face doesn't look as bad anymore, but its still not great. I: cant even look in the mirror without hating myself. The drugs really fucked up everything. I'm just a shell of who i used to be. I know the basic answers I'm about to get, if any?