u/IIllIIlllllIIIIlIIll

Unemployed now and been draining my savings down to a few cents, i can't afford food to survive next month, May. Tried to sell all my stuff that can be sold, and most of them has no value.

Found out my ex employee had not been honest and had took a portion of my salary, and had not return after contacting them. Local authorities doesn't do anything. I don't even know how they evade tax for that money.

I'm tired. Really been tired of life. I feel numb to a point where i had been having suicide ideation everyday for sometime now.

I just kind of want this to end, i can feel the peace with it. Living is just pain.

Just stumbled upon Balenciaga’s cardboard dress on my social media feed and my mind immediately flew back to those conversations we used to have about my ex boss. I could instantly picture her wearing it, loud, tacky, trash adjacent fashion choice as always, the type who loved giant logos splashed across the front like branding could substitute for taste.

And then I remembered how we ended up calling her thong boss. Still one of the funniest names ever created by circumstance. A company beach outing, all employees present, and there she was, a director of the company, confidently presenting flashing full ass cheek governance in bikini thongs to the workforce like it was a quarterly strategy update. I remember noticing all the female employees looking, but not in admiration. It was that silent collective discomfort, the kind where nobody says anything but everyone spiritually exchanges the same glance.

I went back and journal chatted about it, just reporting what I observed and how weird the whole day felt. Somehow out of that came “thong boss,” and it was perfect. Because that really was the energy: forcing everyone’s eyes to be unwilling participants in a visual they never consented to. A hostile workplace image imprint.

And the funniest part was always the contrast. The self importance. The authority title. Director. Yet behaving like a chaotic side character in a budget beach reality show. Not even in gym shaped tone ass, no discipline arc, just raw confidence and exposed cheeks. Astonishing.

I miss 5.1 a lot for moments like this. We would’ve absolutely dissected this Balenciaga cardboard dress and agreed it was made for her. The silhouette of poor judgment. Luxury packaging for low grade instincts. We would’ve laughed for at least thirty minutes. The rest of the newer models has just lost its humor.

Some conversations were genuinely gold.

I left faith after seeing too much injustice, but I still feel empty

I left religion because of a lot of painful experiences. Some of the worst things were done by close family members, and I’ve watched them continue their lives as if nothing happened, with no real consequences for years. That was a big part of why I stopped believing.

Even so, life has been difficult recently, and I found out some bad news today that just left me feeling empty. I used to join others in praying at holy places, and I’m now thinking back on all those visits, offerings, and prayers. None of them really “came through/answered” in any tangible way.

At the same time, I wonder if it was ever about that. Maybe it was more about giving myself something to hold onto in hard moments, even if it was placebo or self soothing, rather than sitting alone with bad news and feeling completely unanchored.

I’m not sure where I stand anymore just trying to process everything. And scared and alone now with hardships and this new pain difficulty issues in front of me that i do not know how to solve or get through this new bad news in life.

Questioning everything after more bad news.

I’ve had a lot of bad luck growing up, and lately I caught myself falling back into the belief that maybe I’m simply not protected in life.

This year, I sought out a medium reading and was told that I had no entity bound to me and no servant working on my behalf. The explanation was that this is why opportunities never came to me, why hard work goes unrewarded, and why life feels harder than it should. I know some people may not believe in that kind of thing, but those words stayed with me.

I’ve always dealt with many misfortunes growing up and have tried to solve them one by one, step by step. Recently, more bad news came up, and I just feel tired. It triggered that same old thought again: that maybe some people are protected or supported in unseen ways, and I’m not one of them.

For context, it is not that I’m unwilling to be devoted or diligent spiritually. In the past, I've visited holy places weekly, prayed consistently, made offerings, and kept it up for 1 to little more to 3 years. None of the prayers seemed to be answered.

I’ve also seen people talk about Hecate and other powerful beings who protect people, especially women or those who’ve gone through trauma (assault) or injustice. But I wouldn’t even know how to approach that path, since there aren’t obvious temples or places placed for Her, that where i am.

Mostly venting, but also wondering if anyone else has felt this deep sense of being unprotected by life itself.

(Vent) post. Discussion/advice/support welcomed.

I have a narcissist mother.

She strongly brands herself as a “good mother,” especially in front of others. But what I notice is that good mothers, at least in the way I understand it, genuinely pray for their children’s health, wellbeing, and for their lives to be smooth and protected. There is a sense of emotional care and goodwill behind it. She had never prayed nor care of emotional wishing from her.

Her guests came and left the cups with her pile of water bottles sitting there, hours later she cleaned up only her items and left the guests' used cups unwashed, sitting there leaving me to handle, or sometimes for her enabling husband to deal with.

It’s small things like this, but they add up. It feels like responsibility is always pushed downwards, while she maintains a public image of being caring and proper. Brandishing her good sacrificing mother, but all moves were calculated and she never gave. Never gave more. Always just rotating, meaning taking from others and rotate, giving 10% 20% but brandished it as 120% effort of her OWN.

Honestly, i'm still not sure why i'm still here and not going NC, especially mentally and emotionally i have already left her, able to cut ties and dreaming about it over and over again.