u/Constant_Breath_8125

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I know it’s crazy and immature that I’m bringing this up again and again, especially since you’ve already been supportive. You’ve been through a lot yourself, and you still have to deal with them in person, unlike me. You probably don’t even want to think about all this anymore, and here I am dragging it back up. I’ll try to make this the last time I say all of this.

I’m sorry for repeating this, but I genuinely feel like all of this happened because of me. I don’t think I’m a good person. The people who really know me would probably agree. My roommates have literally heard the way I talk about her in my room every day. I get frustrated for no reason sometimes, and I can be rude, cold, and distant. I don’t share things like my power bank or laptop, while she does. One of my roommates says she’s a nice person and that she’s helped her heal in ways no one else has. Everyone has something good to say about her. She helps people. So maybe I’m the problem.

The truth is, I’ve hardly ever liked her. Even though she helped me a lot and did me a lot of favors, I never spoke up when I felt hurt by things she said or what I thought were indirect taunts. Maybe they weren’t even taunts, maybe it’s just how I interpreted them. But I stayed quiet because I felt like if I said anything, I’d be the one getting called out. She even cried sometimes because I was so cold and rude to her.

She once told two of our friends that our group had “two duos,” and I didn’t instigate anything against them. I just ignored them and mostly talked to one person I felt safe with. They might think that’s wrong, but I didn’t care at the time. Now I know if I ever speak up, they’ll probably gang up on me. One of them has always called me out whenever she had complaints, and she’d act like the victim. She also ignored me when I didn’t inform her about my PG. Same with the other one. I just felt safer with the one friend who was kind to me.

I’m distant in general. I don’t like lending things. When my charger melted and she made comments implying she would have shared hers, it felt like an indirect taunt. Maybe my communication is just bad and they didn’t understand me, but am I supposed to feel good when I think someone is taunting me?

I get offended by a lot of things, but I rarely complain, at least not in front of her. If she could say certain things in front of me, I wonder what she said behind my back. I also get frustrated easily, but I try to hold it in. Still, I end up being cold, rude, and mean, which doesn’t make me a better person. She also complained about the group to our roommates, and they got frustrated too. I didn’t agree with everything she said, but I stayed quiet. Maybe some of it was true. But if she had talked to us first, I might have taken it differently.

She once asked me if I felt bad because “they are also my friends,” which felt like another indirect taunt. I didn’t come to college for this kind of drama. I’ve called her things like attention seeker, narcissist, and worse when talking to my roommates. But when I think about it, maybe I’m the one who is those things. You might not have noticed, but I always did. I’ve always hated her. I tried not to, but even small things would trigger me. She’s very dominating, and someone else in the group said that too. But that doesn’t justify me.

I think she had issues with the one friend I was close to because of me. If I hadn’t isolated myself with that person, maybe things would’ve been different. They might have still been friends. I created so much drama, and that friend had to deal with it. They even had to go and talk to the others because of me, while I switched off my phone and avoided responsibility. And now I’m bringing it up months later.

I say a lot of horrible things about her. She once said she felt lonely and left out around December in second year. That might have been because of me. I was always cold and distant, so she’d just put on headphones. When I mentioned this before, it might have sounded like I was talking about third year, but it was second year. Her mental health was affected, and I was part of the reason. We used to go straight back to our room after attendance. The others didn’t know her before, but I did. So I should have been better.

I even think it’s partly our fault she didn’t get a guy she liked. We joked about it and didn’t support her trying to approach him. That makes me a bad person too. I don’t take a stand for anyone. I seem nice because I stay quiet, but people who really know me know I’m not.

I’ve had anger issues for a long time. I wasn’t nice even in school. I’m just someone who appears nice because I don’t show things openly. When she said her mental health was affected, I felt frustrated instead of concerned. I even thought about asking if she needed a psychiatrist. Another friend suggested she meet someone for help, so clearly others saw it too. Still, my reaction says a lot about me.

And about not telling her about pg I had financial problems I wasn't comfortable talking about it plus it's her I hate her she is not someone I would want to share my problems with. It is very suffocating and exhausting to exist in her presence. If I were to tell anyone she would be the last one. Why were her friends calling me out .

I also don’t let people into my room. Once someone complimented my room and wanted to see it, and she said in a rude tone something like, “She won’t let you in.” I still let them in because I’m dependent on people and didn’t want conflict. I denied even my closer friends coming to my PG, not because I didn’t want them there, but because the room is small and I don’t like invading personal space. I should have explained that instead of just saying no.

There were small incidents too. Like when someone asked about mess food and she signaled them not to talk about it and rolled her eyes at me. Or when someone complained that I don’t accompany them or didn’t inform them about the PG. I thought I made it obvious I didn’t like her, but I never actually said it. That’s on me.

I keep my own soap and handwash and don’t share it. Someone called that unhygienic. I don’t understand how that makes me unhygienic. It just felt like another thing to criticize.

I’ve said extremely bad things about her in my room, using slurs, mocking her voice loudly so others could hear. One roommate once said everyone can hear it in a frustrated tone. I didn’t care at the time. I let my anger out like that. It started around third semester. By fourth semester, after she complained about the group, I just started hating her completely. Being around her feels suffocating.

I feel like I was just clinging to people, and they were tolerating me out of kindness. I feel like a free extra no one actually wants. It’s always been like that. I keep thinking I deserve all of this. I caused problems, said terrible things, and now I’m facing the consequences.

I’ve never used as many bad words as I did in college. I just don’t say them in front of others. I use them privately, loudly enough for people to hear. That says a lot about me. Even if they aren’t perfect, it doesn’t make me better.

Sometimes I even feel like I hate her so much that I think about harming her, which scares me. I know that’s wrong. I take out my problems from home on others, which is unfair.

There are small things too, like when someone asked me to check her marks and I didn’t. She got upset and went to the washroom. I keep disappointing people. During exams, because of seating, she had to sit at the edge while others could cheat more freely. That also felt like my fault. Or when I refused to shift seats in lab even though I knew she feels left out. That was insensitive.

I don’t know how to respond when people reassure me because I don’t believe it.

I also keep thinking about “what if” scenarios. Like if I had worked harder and gotten into a better school in 6th grade, maybe my life would be different. Better environment, better friends, better communication skills, more confidence, more extracurriculars. Maybe I would have been normal, not someone who isolates themselves in a room all day.

I even think about my family. I wish my parents made better decisions instead of relying on others. I sometimes wish I didn’t have a sibling because I don’t feel capable of being an elder sibling. When my brother was born, I felt like I was being replaced. I didn’t want other kids in the family because I thought people would stop loving me. I know that sounds childish, but those feelings were real. I still love my cousins, even if I sometimes feel jealous.

I don’t understand why everything feels like it’s constantly triggering me. Why does it feel like everyone is ragebaiting me all the time?

I know I’ve done a lot wrong. I don’t know what to do with that. But I will still do it if I got another chance in a worse way.