18 and no will to live
Ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was 12 and my past attempts have been unsuccessful and i never really got any help for it,i couple months ago i started to feel better about life in general but it all started to go downhill. I used to talk to people all the time and at least be able to look at myself in the mirror but now i only talk to like two people daily (not family) and only hang out with one friend. I never really make my problems obvious to other or open up since i don’t want to be a burden and i always try to show my best side. My other friends are acting so weird towards me and have a whole gc where they make plans without me and im pretty sure the girl who I’ve been the closest with since my sophomore year of hs and have been through so much together has been talking shit about me with them which we’ve only known them for a couple of months. I just feel so alienated by everyone and I can’t even stand to look at myself because of all the bullying. My grades have dropped tremendously and I have so many absences because I can’t mentally handle school right now and atp I don’t even care that much since I feel like I’ve given up on everything. All my goals are out the window and I know I prob won’t make it if I do fail since I can’t handle the shame and disappointing my mom. I’ve talked about some stuff with my bsf but I also don’t want to talk about it 24/7 cus I don’t wanna be too much even though ik she would never say it. I just don’t want to feel like a burden and so alone.