College student struggling to keep up. Contemplating dropping a best friend because of personal insecurity and self loathing.
For context I’ve(21F) been best friends with her for over a decade, practically growing up together. We’ve both gone through a lot and love her as my sister. However, I’ve sometimes resented her because of my own issues and it’s my responsibility and fault for letting my thoughts take over. I know she deserves better than a friend like me. I’ve had unresolved childhood trauma from bullying that I’ve never come around to address professionally. In the process I’ve gone into a suicidal pathway with contemplating suicide multiple times. But I don’t really want to come up with excuses since I do blame myself for not going to get professional help. I guess truthfully I just feel like I have no energy to push myself into going to get help(again I know this is an excuse to myself).
Anyway, I’ve been contemplating just moving past my friendship since looking at it the burden of the emotions I foster aren’t fair to her. At the same time my body insecurities also make me compare to her. She hasn’t done anything wrong and is supportive I just find food sadly a sense of comfort. I do go to the gym or push myself to go more now. However, that doesn’t always work out and that’s because of myself so I have no excuse but try and fix my eating and working out.
Having a different college path has also made me feel more lonely then I thought. I sometimes lay and just wonder if I wasn’t here it would rid the world of someone not worthy to be here. I don’t know how to find my will to live. And as cliche as it sounds i genuinely believe no one will ever love me. Never having a boyfriend or let alone a guy look at me, sort of ruin my self esteem, especially when your friend constantly has stories about guys hitting on her.