r/Stepmom

Whenever my husband gets paid he buys me a gift, a treat, and puts money on my coffee account. He also puts aside an entire day each week to dedicate to just being with me and we just....be. yeah were usually home but its still there.

We have 6 kids between the 2 of us. I came with 4 boys and he had a boy and girl. They all live with us full time. I have sole custody of my boys so since my oldest was 5 (now 16 almost 17) thats dad. SS and SD not so much. We just recently got them (16 f and 13m) full time back in October due to BM getting a divorce and moving in with her mother and they hate their MGM cause she's a hateful woman(their words) and BM refuses to be a mom (their words)

So the thing with the gifts and the yada yada is routine basically. My boys are used to it and always get excited to see what gift dad brings home mom and I usually share my treats and spend my coffee money on them sometimes too...I like to share. But SS and SD arent vibing with that.

They think its weird and rude dad buys mom gifts and treats and not anyone else.

"Why do you always put mom first?" Is the question always asked in various ways.

My husband always answer the same way....

We chose each other then and choose each other now.

I put him first and he puts me first but TOGETHER we put our kids first.

They're spoiled rotten and they know it. After bills and necessities we spend plenty on all the kids as equally as possible. But for some reason my husband buying me gifts and treats and taking time to just be with me irks the hell out of SS and SD....

This go 'round he bought me some yarn for a project im working on (he got the right one im so proud) and SD was PISSED because he just told her she couldn't have a $70 video game but just couldn't wait to spend $15 on two balls of yarn for me....SS got involved and agreed that a game for the kids was more valuable than yarn for my project.

He told her to build a bridge and get over it, and told him go stop riding her coat tails in entitlement. But I feel almost guilty because im worried its going to cause issues that weve always had this policy of our relationship comes first, our family as a whole second.

Like....are we wrong? Or am I just being a nervous Nelly?

I feel awful even writing this, but I need honesty.

I love my partner more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve had serious relationships before, including a long marriage, and this is the most loving, peaceful, harmonious relationship I’ve ever known. He feels like the love of my life.

But I’m struggling deeply with his three kids.

One child (11 - they adopted her when she was 4) lives with us full-time now, which completely changed the dynamic of our home. It was also not something we agreed to or planned for. She literally landed in our care after her mom called the cops on her for having a meltdown. I have now stepped into full-time mother mode to an anxiously attached, traumatized girl on the verge of puberty, who now wants nothing to do with her mom.

The other two are 5 and 6, and when they’re around it feels like nonstop chaos. They’re incredibly loud, spoiled, demanding and emotional. All three kids clearly have trauma and behavioral issues, and being around it drains me.

Their mother is a narcissist and creates endless chaos, conflict, and instability. I try not to deal with her directly but the fallout from her parenting has become a huge weight on our relationship and daily life.

I hate admitting this, but I often dread the kids being around. I feel overstimulated, resentful, trapped, and exhausted. I miss peace. I miss having a home that feels calm.

The hardest part is that I’ve always wanted children of my own.

But I’m 35 now, and I cannot imagine bringing a baby into this mess. When I picture my future child being raised alongside his kids in this environment, it doesn’t feel right at all.

He is open to having a child with me, but we are nowhere near a place where it feels wise or safe. I’m starting to fear that by the time life ever settles down, it may be too late for me.

So I feel stuck between the love of my life… and a life that feels impossible.

Has anyone else loved the partner but hated the parenting reality that came with them?

So my SD is 15. She has a boyfriend and has been to stay at ours a couple of times. I don’t mind having him around but her dad and I have a little one together who is 2 and these kids get very noisy in the night and keep waking the child up. Not just that the mess we have to deal with or I have to deal with every time after they leave is unreal. It honestly annoys me but obviously i never said anything until now. Is it even my place to say that i don’t like having SDs boyfriend around? I don’t know.. but I genuinely don’t want him around. Whenever he is around my SDs level of disrespect towards her dad increases too which is frustrating :/

Me and my husband is sober and sane but yet we lost 16 year old son to his crack head mom.. why because he misses them. She kept bio dad from his son for 14 years against judges order because she didnt like bio father. She had no running water no septic no food, no power abuse of crack heads and crack use with the kids home they didnt go to school they got detected because the kids went to the neighbours because they were hungy and couldnt find their mom for 2 days. When we had him he didnt like rules. Now hes back with his mom skipping school and im in a small town so i know whats going on. She got booted out of two places in the last two months for cookin crack but she gets her kids back. Good job cps. Whatever the kid wants....

Well I found out we are getting the kids a day earlier than expected because BM has to work all day tomorrow. Bf gets all excited because “now he can plan a sleepover for them” uhhhhhhhhhh , does this stress anyone else tf out? My one day a week to unwind and relax all to myself is not only taken away because we get the kids but on top of it I should also just go with kids screaming and running around all night? I’m stressed just thinking about it. I asked my bf if sleepovers can be planned in advance not just the day of because I have to mentally prepare myself for that. Is this just me or anyone else?

Just curious to see if Mother’s Day as a step mom is celebrated for others… let me know! Thanks

I feel too emotionally immature and erratic to be in the role I am. This situation is so complex and confusing and exhausting. I’ve been ss(8) main caregiver for a year now. They have 50/50 but bm is your textbook definition of deadbeat and Disneyland parent. False promises, months of no contact, only takes him out to play games for a couples hours then drops him back off, buys him whatever he wants when she sees him, etc. She can’t find 5 minutes to even make a phone call for months on end.

It hurts me to see this happen to a child, especially one I’ve been a mom to now for a year, alongside my own son.

I’m an overly emotional person, I’ve been trying to learn to chill out through therapy and reading mindfulness books and meditating, but lately I’ve had little outbursts. It makes me feel so awful and guilty because why am I being this way? It makes me feel completely incapable of being a mother and makes me feel bad for my ss and my own son(15months).

Sometimes my emotions just feel so much I can’t feel anything else and I do or say things I don’t mean or should just keep to myself. Which brings me to last night and earlier tonight.

Got into an argument with Dh regarding bm, or more so how he replied to her about something stupid, it did not need to turn into an argument. Ss overheard the whole thing (we thought he was asleep and didn’t realize he could hear us from his room as we live in a big house) and I said some mean things about bm. While I think what I said is the truth, I still can understand why that would hurt him so much to hear because he LOVES her so much. Truly I didn’t think he was awake or could hear cause we weren’t raising our voices or anything, but he heard it all and I can’t take it back.

Ss didn’t have school today for state testing and all day it’s been fine, but then he just told me he heard everything dh and I said. And he started almost defending his mom. Honestly I’m going through my own stuff unrelated to my family, and I’m still kind of on edge from the argument last night, and I became uneasy everytime bm is brought up to be honest. I don’t even know exactly what I said word for word, but I KNOW it didn’t need to be said. It wasn’t anything like “she’s a bad mom”, but I did point out to him that she never sees or calls him and I said I didn’t care what her reason was. Cause he always says she works a lot and that’s why. And the reason I said I didn’t care was because dh said basically the same thing yesterday to him, pointed out that the facts are the facts. He did it in a nicer way though. And I told him the only thing that matters is if HE likes her and wants to be in her life and I’ll always support that and makes sure he can talk to her and see her. However he responded to that made me snap and I said “well I don’t like talking about your mom”.

I just know what I said was too much and it didn’t need to be said AT ALL. I feel like hiding in a hole. I don’t know why I said anything I said. I feel so so awful. It’s different when Dh says things about her to him vs me. I haven’t been around that long and Dh is more composed and can cope better than me. My whole life feels like a big trigger and I’m constantly frustrated and uneasy and then I act how I did earlier and then I spiral into a self guilt and loathing cycle.

I don’t feel like leaving my bedroom I feel so awkward and bad. At the end of the day that’s his mom who he loves dearly and I feel like I completely betrayed him. Dh has always been very big on letting him figure out who his mom is on his own, and lately he’s been more aware and has made comments about her false promises so maybe that’s why I felt more “comfortable” letting things slip out, I really don’t know.

Context: I’m in my early 30s, SO in his early 40s with two kids (8 and 10). We’ve been dating for years, always open about our future regarding children. He’s worried he’s getting too old to have another child. I’m not 100% sure I’m willing to risk my fertility window to gamble on being with him forever. I’m convinced he’s my forever person, but if it doesn’t work out I’m worried I’ll regret not having my own children. His children are great/respectful, he’s a great dad, perfect supportive partner to me, BM unstable but I expected that given their messy divorce which he initiated.

Can someone who is/was in the same situation as me provide any advice? Is it worth it being with your “soulmate” to give up on having your own kids? I can’t imagine having a stronger connection with anyone else, anyone else would feel like settling. I’m not baby crazy, pregnancy scares me every year older I get, always was open to the possibility of adoption too. But I do feel the social pressure to have one of my own. My friends (all starting to have kids now) keep asking me uncomfortable/annoying questions like if he wants more kids almost once a month. The same friends all make motherhood sound very stressful they hated pregnancy and struggle to connect with their newborns and their husband’s have lazy parenting styles.

I feel conflicted most of the time about the topic. I have a 6 figure job/full-time career, so my life does have “purpose” outside of kids. Wasted a decade on a physically/verbally abusive ex, which also contributed to me being still unmarried at this point in my life. Part of me always feels insecure about my age and being unmarried. Probably because my ex used to insult me about it constantly for not staying with him. I know this is a very personal topic, but any advice is appreciated.

Just a vent. I became a stepmom to an 18-year-old a few years ago. She lost her Mom to cancer and I have always tried to be a friend and a supporter without trying to step into any sort of Mom role. She now has a family of her own, including two kids.

I try to be the greatest step-grandma I can possibly be. We’ve furnished both nurseries and the toddler room. I do hours upon hours of research to make sure that we choose gifts that are special and highly rated/recommended — usually splurge items that they probably couldn’t get themselves.

The youngest recently turned one. I spent my usual weeks planning and preparing, including asking SD for any and all ideas. Got the SD requested items, plus a ton of items that I researched myself. We are definitely not wealthy but we are frugal, so all in all this was around $500 in gifts. The wrapping and shipping took a long time (they are long distance).

And then … nothing. I know they opened them because I saw photos of my GD wearing an item we sent online. But not a text, not a thank you, not a word.

My feelings are hurt. This is honestly pretty typical, but usually there’s at least a text. Feels like a lot of work for zero response. Blech.

Hey all. I am in need of advice and solidarity. Husband has a daughter we share 50/50 with her mom. I do not have any of my own. Each week when it’s about time his daughter goes to her mom I feel relief and believe I will have a week of childfree bliss, sex and rest. But without fail my husband and I will fight every single day until she is back, we make up on the last day and her week is great and without snags or any karfuffle. This pattern is driving me crazy and we can’t figure it out. I have theories but don’t know how to go about it to fixing it. My theories are: 1. I want to be left alone to my own thoughts and silence after a week of nonstop talking around me and my husband the extrovert is now redirecting his energy to me. 2. All the bickering we brush under the rug while kid is with us finally comes out and we can talk openly, because we do not fight in front of her we just kinda communicate with looks. He is grumpy in the mornings and I am grumpy in the evenings so it all comes out freely when she’s not here.

Help! I think I mostly want to know if this happens to other people.

Statistics say it takes about 5 years on average for a family to successfully blend .. I can see this in my own situation. There’s been a lot of ups and downs but we’re finally in a place where me and so know how to get and stay on one accord.

There’s a time to be patient & then there’s a time where you have to be willing to draw your line in the sand and when you do the latter and your partner reflects and meets you where you’re at .. THAT’S who you keep doing THIS life with (or the one where you never had to do that).

I’ll tell any woman who listen, THIS life is not worth it with the wrong person. But with the right person & given the work this lifestyles forces you to have to do as individuals and a couple it will create a connection with depth, trust and fulfillment.

Your needs can be met in a blended family and with a partner who has a child with someone else .. it’s ALL about if they are willing and able to be willing and able.

Hopefully this is a refreshing post for some and a confirmation for others.

Am I wrong to think that restricting a cell phone from an 11year old is ok? Her mom bought the phone so SD can keep in touch with both parents. I have problems with her being on the phone Waaaayyyyy too much but my husband does not want to restrict her from using the phone. He feels she should be able to use the phone whenever she wants. I said after 7pm, she should ask to use the phone and he was uncomfortable with that. He is also uncomfortable making her ask to use the iPad. That one really irks me because children should not have unrestricted access to “toys”. I always made my children ask. We have set this issue aside for the time being. I don’t know if I am being a nazi or control freak or if he is just too laid back?

Hello,

It’s my first time posting here. I want to ask your opinion about my situation. My SS gets pick up by his mom, she parked her car in front of the house so my kid does not need to cross the street or whatever. He just needs to walk from our door to the front yard. The reason I don’t walk him is I’m avoiding bio mom. Me and my husband are trying to do parallel parenting. No contact unless about our kid, even small talk. I feel guilty not walking him because his mom gets out of the car and close the car door for him. When me and my husband pick him up, we’re just in the car and wait for him to get in.

I talk to my husband about this. He said I don’t need to feel bad about it. The only thing he wants me to do is to make sure it’s the mom who picks the child and gets in the car safely. That’s all. I know my husband has a point but I just want to know other’s thoughts about this situation?

I’m looking for some advice on a situation that’s becoming really upsetting for our family.

I’ve been with my partner for 8 years, and I’m stepmum to his two kids (F21 and M17). Their parents divorced after their mum had an affair. Over time, both kids ended up living with us—my stepdaughter moved in at 16, and my stepson was dropped off at our door at 14 when his mum remarried and didn’t want him living with her.

My stepdaughter no longer has contact with her mum. My stepson didn’t speak to her for a while either, but recently she’s started rebuilding a relationship with him. The issue is, she tends to be very manipulative and asks a lot of questions about what’s going on in our household.

We had asked him not to share private family matters with her, and we thought he understood. However, we’ve now discovered that she’s been posting on X (Twitter) about our lives—sharing personal information and making negative comments about their dad.

This has really upset my stepdaughter, who feels completely betrayed by her brother. It’s also causing a lot of tension in the house.

I understand he’s 17 and probably wants a relationship with his mum, but the impact of what he’s sharing is hurting everyone else.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do we handle this without pushing him away, but still protecting our family’s privacy?

Edit: SD has now spoken up and shown her brother the posts. She’s really upset with him for oversharing, especially since she had already asked him not to tell their mum anything about her life.

I also spoke with SD and told her it’s best not to read what her mum is posting. It’s upsetting, and her mum continues to share things about our lives publicly for attention, despite the impact it has on the kids.

From my side, I’m also upset about the negative comments their mum continues to make about their dad, and the way she twists situations to paint herself as the victim when she was the one to choose her partner over the kids twice.

I feel really sad for my SS, as it sometimes seems like her interest in him isn’t genuine and may be more about her own needs, which is hard to watch.

I’ve been a quiet reader for a while in this group, learning all that I can while trying to not get too anxious of my future.

A little background, I’m 32F living alone, no kids or pets. I’ve been with my bf 35M for almost 3 years and we want to get married and have a baby of our own one day. He has a son almost 5 who lives a few hours away. He had to move due to work and we met early in that move. The BM and son were gonna move too, but bailed of course.

He will move back in 2 months bc being a long distance dad is not healthy to either him or his son, which I absolutely support the move. We will be long distance for the year and I plan to move in with him this time next year. I’ll visit a lot and get to spend more time with his son as well. Both being remote will be great and it’s in a location with incredible travel and adventure nearby we can do with and without his son.

What I’m so anxious about is realizing how dramatically different my life will be next year and moving forward.. my current lifestyle to then living together finally, but in a different area and having his son 50/50. Im kind of mourning how we never got to live together where we are at currently, enjoying the exciting chapter of that without any stressors of kids or pets. I’m trying to not be naive and I’m already kinda mourning this change next year. I’ve met his son when he visited once for a few days and absolutely adore him and vice versa. I’m just starting to panic about how it’ll go, like this woman now lives with daddy and why tf does she sleep in daddy’s bed etc etc.

Idk I’m sorry I’m venting now. Please any advice or support helps. I know I’m walking into the lions den with the SM world. But this is my person and someone I’m absolutely willing to fight for.

With Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) right around the corner, what is something you wish you got a thank you for or even just an acknowledgment of? Big, small, silly, meaningful… from your partner or from the kiddo/s themselves?

It can also be something that your partner or stepkiddo has thanked you for or called out that you do, that made you feel good, seen, heard, and like your role matters as much as we all know it does!

I’ll start, my stepson and I tackled a crafty school project together that he was stressing about. After he presented it in class, he told me thanks again, and that he had told his teacher his stepmom helped him… it was small and some would say silly, but it made me smile.

*This is meant to be uplifting, funny, pull at your heartstrings… share whatever you want!

This community helps me through some of the hardest moments of being a stepmom, and especially ahead of “holidays” that can bring up tough feelings (and sometimes super fun and loving ones!), I just want to help celebrate one another with some reminders about all that we do!

Me and my husband have been together for 5 years..he has a daughter who is 9 from a previous marriage. So he has split custody with the mom. The mom moved and got married. Back to the child.. I have always been really nice and sweet to her, I have tried to spend time with her, I’ve bought her things and all that. So it sounds like there wouldn’t be a problem right? Today we went mini golfing..everything was fine and she was happy. And halfway through golfing she decides she doesn’t want me around so her attitude changed..I tried asking what was wrong she wouldn’t tell me..her dad tried asking what was wrong and she would tell him. She said she’s was afraid to hurt my feelings..I said honey it’s okay just tell me what’s wrong. So it came out she didn’t want me there. Well she likes to tell her dad sometimes she doesn’t want me around and she has lied on me a few times trying to tell her dad something in front of me when it’s not true. So I clearly say that’s a lie. And this last time when she tried it we were out to eat(and she was whispering something to him) and then she quit whispering and was talking and I asked if I could have the keys to his truck because I was not going to sit there and be made out to be somebody I’m not. My husband got mad and told me to grow up and act like an adult and I said I am..and that I wasn’t saying anything and I just didn’t want to be a part of that. He said she’s a child..why don’t you just move(like leave the relationship). This was while we were sitting in a restaurant. He said you can go outside I’m not giving you the keys..so I went outside. He said all this in front of her too. I have tried to talk and everything and I’ve tried to be nice to her and it all just gets thrown back in my face. I really don’t know what to do? Does anyone have any advice or suggestions please? What am I doing wrong?

I regularly read on here about ungrateful and spoiled stepkids. My (29f) stepkids (3f, 6m) are ungrateful as well. They want everything, do not like anything they get, and will not lift a finger to do anything themselves (like putting away their shoes). They expect to be treated likes prince and princess, and although this might be normal at such a young age, I would have loved it if they were more grateful and humble.

I get it though, after a divorce, the kids are being spoiled to compensate. I saw it when I met my husband when the 6 year old was only 3,5. He got new toys every week and everything was done for him. BM still does this and it really shows. She always takes the kids somewhere expensive. Always compensates by buying toys (oh we didnt have time to go to the playground today? You can pick out a new toy instead). Its driving me insane. I was raised to be very very grateful. My mom stayed home with us and my dad was always at work. We didnt have a car so my mom would occasionally take us somewhere by bus, and we would get toys on our birthday or like special occasions. We never went somewhere on the weekends. It was just us playing outside. We would go on vacation for 1 week during the summer. My mom always jokes that we never even asked for candy or ice cream or toys. I know this is the other end of the spectrum, but now these kids grow up with all these expectations to be taken somewhere all the time. To get new things all the time. To immediately get a drink whenever they are thirsty. And I hate it!!

I would love to spoil them in a maturing way. You know, like grandma's do. Making them food, buying something small occasionally, making sure they are fully loved and cared for. But nothing is enough for these kids. I would like to tidy their room for them, because "they are just kids". But I cannot get myself to care for them this way because nothing is ever enough. There's always skmethjng wrong. When I make them a special lunch, they dont want it because they dont fancy it. When I tidy their room, I put thing in the wrong places. When I take them somewhere on the weekends, they actively hate it. And its not specifically me, they also do it to my husband. They are conditioned the be ungrateful and negative.

My husband and I are on the same page, and we tried so hard to raise them differently. We grew up the same way and we both are extremely annoyed by their ungratefulness. My husband has admitted that he spoiled them too much after the divorce, and sometimes he still struggles with being a stricter parent. He often asks me if he is being too harsh, or if they can be children at our home, about things that are completely normal in my eyes.

I think I just wanted to vent but any advice is welcome.

why have a child if you’re just going to emotionally abuse them?

HCBM can eat a fat one.

that’s it. that’s the post.

I’ve been in SS6’s life since he can remember. He means the world to me and I’d do anything for that kid. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and having the opportunity to be a stepmom has been very fulfilling for me despite all of the not-so-fun parts we are all far too familiar with.

We all know that as a SM (if mom is involved and active in SK’s life) there are certain boundaries we have to have in place with our SKs because, well… we aren’t mom. Some things not to step on moms toes, some things to respect that the 2 bioparents need to make certain big decisions, and some just to be appropriate.

That being said, I’m pregnant and waiting on baby sister to make her debut. I’ve been saying for years whenever a really frustrating part of stepmotherhood comes up, “I can’t wait to have one of my/our own”.

Obviously #1 and very bittersweet is getting to have them full time. Although it’s going to SUCK that she gets to stay with us and he doesn’t. We have 50/50 and I’m so glad that he has his mom, but no party enjoys not having their kid full time. It’s hard on everyone.

Sometimes I say it when there’s a parenting decision made I strongly disagree with, but “it’s not my kid” so I have to let it go.

Sometimes I think it when I have to act different at joint school/sports events to not offend BM or seem like I’m trying to be his mom.

I can’t wait to actually just be mom, not the sub-in. Not have a wall up with my daughter. Not worry about something I say to her going to her “other house” and being taken completely out of context. I can’t wait to make decisions that I feel are in her best interest and the only factor I have to consider be my husband’s opinion.

I’d love to hear, what do you guys love about/look forward to in getting to be a full time & bio mom?

Can be as vague or specific or petty or wholesome as you feel. Maybe this can be a safe place to vent about SM frustrations and a light at the end of the tunnel with our own kiddos.