u/bunny_lxve

I feel too emotionally immature and erratic to be in the role I am. This situation is so complex and confusing and exhausting. I’ve been ss(8) main caregiver for a year now. They have 50/50 but bm is your textbook definition of deadbeat and Disneyland parent. False promises, months of no contact, only takes him out to play games for a couples hours then drops him back off, buys him whatever he wants when she sees him, etc. She can’t find 5 minutes to even make a phone call for months on end.

It hurts me to see this happen to a child, especially one I’ve been a mom to now for a year, alongside my own son.

I’m an overly emotional person, I’ve been trying to learn to chill out through therapy and reading mindfulness books and meditating, but lately I’ve had little outbursts. It makes me feel so awful and guilty because why am I being this way? It makes me feel completely incapable of being a mother and makes me feel bad for my ss and my own son(15months).

Sometimes my emotions just feel so much I can’t feel anything else and I do or say things I don’t mean or should just keep to myself. Which brings me to last night and earlier tonight.

Got into an argument with Dh regarding bm, or more so how he replied to her about something stupid, it did not need to turn into an argument. Ss overheard the whole thing (we thought he was asleep and didn’t realize he could hear us from his room as we live in a big house) and I said some mean things about bm. While I think what I said is the truth, I still can understand why that would hurt him so much to hear because he LOVES her so much. Truly I didn’t think he was awake or could hear cause we weren’t raising our voices or anything, but he heard it all and I can’t take it back.

Ss didn’t have school today for state testing and all day it’s been fine, but then he just told me he heard everything dh and I said. And he started almost defending his mom. Honestly I’m going through my own stuff unrelated to my family, and I’m still kind of on edge from the argument last night, and I became uneasy everytime bm is brought up to be honest. I don’t even know exactly what I said word for word, but I KNOW it didn’t need to be said. It wasn’t anything like “she’s a bad mom”, but I did point out to him that she never sees or calls him and I said I didn’t care what her reason was. Cause he always says she works a lot and that’s why. And the reason I said I didn’t care was because dh said basically the same thing yesterday to him, pointed out that the facts are the facts. He did it in a nicer way though. And I told him the only thing that matters is if HE likes her and wants to be in her life and I’ll always support that and makes sure he can talk to her and see her. However he responded to that made me snap and I said “well I don’t like talking about your mom”.

I just know what I said was too much and it didn’t need to be said AT ALL. I feel like hiding in a hole. I don’t know why I said anything I said. I feel so so awful. It’s different when Dh says things about her to him vs me. I haven’t been around that long and Dh is more composed and can cope better than me. My whole life feels like a big trigger and I’m constantly frustrated and uneasy and then I act how I did earlier and then I spiral into a self guilt and loathing cycle.

I don’t feel like leaving my bedroom I feel so awkward and bad. At the end of the day that’s his mom who he loves dearly and I feel like I completely betrayed him. Dh has always been very big on letting him figure out who his mom is on his own, and lately he’s been more aware and has made comments about her false promises so maybe that’s why I felt more “comfortable” letting things slip out, I really don’t know.

Had a conversation, actually multiple, a while back with dh about getting ours son and ss into the same dentist and doctor’s office for convenience. Bm had taken ss to the doctor and dentist in the past, not many times though, but she lives over an hour away. Ss LIVES with us fulltime. (Not court ordered, it’s 50/50 on paper).

I told dh that ss needs a doctor and dentist down here because god forbid there’s some type of emergency and we have to go almost 2 hours away WITH a toddler in the car. That’s ridiculous! It makes no sense for his doctor and dentist to be that far away when he barely sees bm once every two months.

I told dh, how can we rely on the woman who can’t call her son for 5 minutes to take him to regular doctor and dentist check ups? You can’t, it’s that simple. It just doesn’t make any sense.

Bm texted dh yesterday and asked if she should schedule ss a dentist appointment up in her city. And Dh said “yeah go ahead”. WHAT?!?

I’m sorry what??????? Am I insane?? Why????

Anyways, I’m just incredibly mad and feel completely ignored by my husband. We’ve had multiple conversations about this and he said he agreed with me, but then bm reaches out for the first in a while and he’s like “yeah okay.” Without talking to me about it and completely disregarding every conversation we’ve had about this specific thing. It just makes no sense to me.