r/Schizoid

I've read time and time again about how social isolation seemingly destroys the inner psychological state of the average person — however — I find it hard to believe that this would apply to me.

I never get lonely and don't even understand what it feels like. As long as I know I am safe then there is nothing to worry about. Simply being around others is not a need in itself, but only a consequence of me having a requirement for something else, e.g. food, shelter, security. If those needs are met — then I'm just chilling and having a good time.

Sure, sometimes I like to share my opinion with others — like I am now — but if I can't do that then it's cool too. I would be hard pressed to call this something that results in me feeling any sort of distress — quite the opposite actually.

Ultimately, I feel that we need to take a grain of salt with all scientific studies vis-à-vis the average — we truly are that different.

I feel like that's what it all comes down to isn't it. I don't enjoy anything that a human is conventionally supposed to enjoy. The combination of anhedonia and the paradox of both craving but also being uncomfortable with social contact feels like it's impossible to ever be okay with life. I don't enjoy having a job, grinding for money, paying taxes, socializing or hedonism, which is what society seems to be mainly built around. As such I have no idea where to go or what to do. I have been through the whole 'do something' phase chasing achievement, connection and making my dreams a reality so I can't even blame my problems on lifelong self-isolation. The most defeated moment of my life may have been joining a sports team, training for years, placing well and getting a medal and feeling absolutely nothing. I'm not suicidal because I worry what comes after life may be even worse. Other humans may as well be aliens. Therapy has been absolutely useless and meds just made me worse. I feel like a formerly caged animal or robot just going in circles, doing things not because I enjoy them or need them but because what else is there.

Sometimes people try to communicate and get closer to me, even when I show clear signs that Im not interested. I don’t necessarily feel bad when I reject them, but sometimes I wonder what we could’ve been if I was more open. I wonder what other people feel when they reject others.

I'm a welder, I dropped out of uni and a service job for a myriad of reasons, but it was mainly due to the socialization and the constant pressure to "network".

I feel like this kind of work fits well enough for me, it forces me to focus less on my internal life and more on the external world, it doesn't require much socialization, and it's repetitive enough. It's a job that cares much more about immediate, physical results than social performance.

I don't love my job, but I don't hate it either, it's tolerable, and my coworkers don't seem to care about my disinterest in socialization.

Any similar experiences?

does anyone else, when no-one is around, say their ideas out loud/go on long, rambly speeches? i would call it more ‘monologuing’ than talking to myself because it’s not a two-sided ‘conversation’ so to speak, but rather more like i’m giving a lecture or seminar albeit without an audience. this only happens when i’m in a more positive state of mind and have lots of physical energy, whereas most of the time i’m just thinking in silence.

i was diagnosed with high functioning autism as a pre-teen and recently diagnosed with ‘significant schizoid traits’ or something to that effect so was interested to see if anyone could relate (or not). thanks.

The ability to observe humans and their actions from a more machine-like perspective allows one to find exploits in the human psyche.

Could you imagine if you had motivations that could be achieved via social engineering? I do some masking here and there to get by and minimize my social exposure because it is exhausting. The psychopath feels similar to us in regards to lack of emotions and actively uses all of these things we consider a nuisance to secure power, money, etc.

Lately I can’t shake the feeling that my life has turned into something deeply tragic. Not in an exaggerated way… just in a quiet, unavoidable way that I can’t really ignore anymore.

I stayed inside my house for years. Completely isolated. At some point the days stopped meaning anything and I slowly detached from everything and everyone around me. I barely talked to people, barely went outside, barely felt human anymore.

The only reason I even returned to the outside world is because my mother got sick. Now I go to the hospital every single day.

And honestly it’s destroying me mentally.

Being around people again after so many years makes me realize how disconnected I am from normal life. Everyone around me seems functional, present, real. Meanwhile I feel like some hollow person awkwardly pretending to belong there.

What confuses me the most is that I always thought I lacked empathy. But seeing my mother like this has created a kind of sadness I genuinely can’t describe. I feel devastated that I can’t help the person who tried to help me, who gave birth to me and raised me.

The feeling sits in my stomach like a massive knot that never loosens no matter what I do.

The suicidal thoughts came back hard recently too.

What hurts the most is the loneliness. Imagine standing in a hospital surrounded by hundreds of people and still feeling completely alone in the universe. I actually considered talking to a chatbot a few nights ago because I realized I genuinely have nobody left to talk to anymore. And somehow even that made me feel worse.

Then something happened that honestly scared me a little.

After years of emotional numbness, I suddenly started crying uncontrollably. Full breakdown. I can’t even remember the last time I cried before this.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just wanted someone, somewhere, to know I existed for a moment.

My symptoms don't really point to ADHD but I can't focus on anything. If I'm still I have to move my legs, if I try to read or watch something and I feel I got the reason for a scene, got the information that moves the plot, I feel a desire to skip it. I've been dumbing down my media for some time and now I can only read shallow manga because it's easy to pass the page and keep my fingers and mind occupied.

I went to see a new psychologist today did some introductions and gave a limited amount of information. I was told Schizoid Personality Disorder sounds like a good thing lol. Was just interesting to hear that from someone. While I agree it has some benefits there's plenty of annoyances as well. Has anyone had a similar scenario with someone and if so what sort of reaction did you display

So...I was struggling with depression, alienation, derealisation and similar things all my life, but I was very "internal" about it, so nobody really noticed (except my mother. most people assumed i'm just weird and a spaced out loner) But as a female i got through by "being quirky", and i'm really very independent and overall just "roach" my way through life. I have no ambition or goals, but I can't even bother to care much about that.

Admittedly the depression got me a few times really bad, but I made it out myself every time so far. And with 28 I got an Asperger Diagnosis (that is also 10 years ago already) because I wanted to know "what's up with me". And at the time, autism was the only "weird" thing I knew about and I went to a specialist directly, sadly not the best one it seems. The diagnosis didn't seem very furrow (done in one 1:1 talk and a few small cognitive tests) - and I did question it quite early on. After having to interact with some autistic people I realise i'm not much like them at all, even though I can understand their thought-pattern and direct way of speaking very well. But i don't have sensory issues, or melt-downs (just maybe light psychosis) and i think that negates an autism diagnosis quite directly.

But I didn't care that much till now, at least I had "something" to hold onto. And also an excuse to hand out to me coworkers to leave me alone. (People are much nicer to people with autism then to people with personality disorders. It is like that and we all know it. And i have no problem using that hypocracy for myself to get through the day...)

Much later (4 years ago or so) I found out about the Cluster A disorders and it seems either StPD or SzPD fit my patterns much better (I always had a rather fragile sense of reality, but i know i don't have schizophrenia, since my aunt has it and so i know what that looks like).
At least i relate to some of the diagnostic criteria (of both SzPD and StPD), not always to personal stories in forums and such (even though i think that's because not everybody claiming to have SzPD or StPD is actually having it. Not that I can say what i have or not have either, but i'm aware of the self-diagnosis thing going on online. And it's a bit confusing ngl)

Whatever, the thing is. I keep questioning. And I would REALLY like to stop having to wonder about that, because it's annoying as fuck. I kinda care, but also don't really? It doesn't really change anything about myself at the end of the day. And I don't know if that's enough to pay for another diagnosis. (At least I found a diagnostic center looking at multiple disorders and possibilities at once and actually being up to date, it seems. but it's like 800€ without a referral - that i will not bother to get.)

So I don't want therapy. I am not fine, but I don't want anybody to snoop in here either - i'm good being alone. I just would like to know what's up. I think it would be helpful that I can at least stop circling around the topic all the time (I think that has a lot to do with my identity issues and low sense of self). I reread the diagnostic criteria every few months, repeat doing the self-assessment tests... and while i always get high scores on those, I always just left it at that only to come back to it a few weeks later.
And i would like to let that behaviour go finally (it's been YEARS), even if it just tells me I have nothing and just need to pull myself together or whatever.

So yeah...just wondering if that's enough to warrant paying for a diagnosis?
I would like to know other peoples thoughts and or maybe experiences related to this?
Thanks in advance and sorry for the rambling text...

I’ve always felt that my existence is really heavy on other i feel like everyone hates that i exist

When I’m at college i always feel everyone looks at me with a disgust look, i always feel they are talking about me or making fun of me even that i never a social interaction with someone there

I don’t even feel wanted in my family i feel that i’m a mistake

Thankfully there is a "rant" flair lol.

How am I supposed to live in such a semi-zombie like state ?

Living in my head ,anhedonia ,abulia ,apathy you name it .

I want to live a meaningful and creative life or to end my life but I am a total coward to do so .

Do not get me wrong. I admit there are worse . i could be living in a war torn zone suffering from famine and disease.

I wonder what kind of God exists . I believe in existence of God but I am not so sure about his benevolence and intentions.S

What kind of purpose could he have for a schizoid?

I forgot where exactly I read it, I think it was Wheeler, and it had stuck with me ever since:

Apparently schizoids tend to see themselves as ideal partners and can imagine to be with basically anyone. That's because they're so emotionally intelligent that they adapt/mask easily and so detached that they have no clue who they really are and who would actually fit them and who they would really fit. They end up with partners that might turn out over time or seen from the outside to not fit well at all.

I know a lot of people here wouldn't touch a relationship with a ten foot pole, but what about those of you who are in or tried relationships? have you ever felt like the above?

Because, it sucks but it describes me very well. I was wondering if anyone can relate in any way.

I have come to the conclusion that in my case (not all cases), no amount of effort, discipline or commitment will ever be enough to adapt to the demands of society. The equation of energy output vs. energy input on a daily basis comes with a net loss. I believe negative symptoms is the direct consequence of a body and a mind that never get enough time to recover. When this goes on for years and years the void eventually consumes all your inner life.

Failing to function in society is not a moral failure, for some it is simply unevitable. Refusing to participate is at that point the only rational thing to do. The consequences may be harsh, but when participation slowly kills you either way there is nothing to lose really. It might actually work out, if not, well, exit is always an option.

I just see that suicide is pointless and I think I just lack the motive anyway, why would I kill Myself when I'm going to die anyway not like it'll make a big difference, on the other hand I wouldn't mind dying anytime soon or even rn

Death isn't really scary or as ppl make it seem, maybe you won't die if u have something to lose if you don't, then there's no need to be scared of it since you already have nothing

I love thinking about death as the state before I was born, pure nothingness, but idk how would it be but I wouldn't mind it at all

Dying slowly may be a bad idea I think it's the only exception if I was dying slowly and I'm not able to handle myself I'll just end it by that time I think

My current doctor is against it for me because I have memory problems that ECT can intensify and ketamine is too expensive where I live and she thinks it won't work

I just can't form relationships and friendships for more than 2 weeks! No matter how hard I try after 2 weeks I can't be bothered to text or reply back, I crave my solitude so much, do you get me?

I went though a lot of trauma when I was younger so I left my family, parents ,siblings literally everybody I knew in my home country and moved to a new country when i was 18, All with the clothes on my back, I bad and £150 in my pocket, I ended up meeting a man ,Got married and have 2 kids, The marriage was diabolical, A lot of domestic abuse from his side, In the end I stabbed him in self defence one night and went to a refuge for mother and children to get away.. bare with me..., so I left him in 2018.. and since then I can hold down any relationships or friendships for more than 2 weeks, I really try. But I feel i put on this false confidence at the start and people love it, but soon my loner mask slips and I can't keep it up so I usual make some excuses after 2 weeks and bow out.. respectfully of course.. I make sure I do damage control and end things nicely as I can't be doing drama and anger... apart from my 2 teens I don't have mant interactions with people on the outside as I call it. I'm a loner and love it, I can't help it.. but i do feel I'm going to be one of them cases you read about where a mummified body is found fused to a sofa in their house years later as no one checks on them, I think I'd like a relationship, How do I stop break the cycle? And give someone a chance and be less selfish!? Being schizoid is no joke It has me thinking about leaving everything behind... again. (No hate or nasty msgs please I'm rather fragile today, ) Thanks🫶

...is when people talk to me just because I'm there. I can tolerate interactions that have a clear goal, like someone wanting something specific from me.

For example, "How did you do on that exam?" "I think I did well." "How did you study for it?" "Well, I..." is a acceptable exchange, because the other person has the clear motive "Find out how score better next time". It's impersonal—not about me, but the information being shared.

I dislike when strangers or people in public places talk to me for no clear reason, though. I'm not in the waiting room just to have a chat, I'm here for a appointment, and only that. Is my mere existence enough permission to approach me?

It's one of those opinions that most people would consider strange, I'd likely come across as entitled or whiny. I'd only get a "Oh, it's just a basic social nicety, it's not that bad, just go along with it!" But, I don’t wanna.😣 Do I need to carry a fly swatter and a sign that says "If you try to talk to me I will smack you"? Sometimes I feel like that's the only way to get some peace.

I'm 25, a masters student, jobless, never been in a relationship and have no friends. I have no ambitions and am deeply unhappy with my educational responsibilities and dread getting into the workforce.

I wish money would just fall into my lap so that I would find the time to read novels, write songs, learn drawing and origami, guitar and drums, write stories and poems, read about history and science, talk to cool people who know things I don't, play board games, live by a quiet lake, travel to cook places, learn to actually cook, go dancing, learn skateboarding, rock climbing etc.

But all of that depends on earning money and doing shit you don't like to earn it makes me so depressed. Life in this world is locked behind paywalls. Even now i barely have the energy to study so much and I'm barely doing good.

I know my life, with this lack of drive and ambition, will just pass in a blur of work, chores, bills with 0 time for anything that would nourish my soul. I'd rather die today than wait to actually see it come true.